Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
OutofTyme · 04/06/2018 07:21

If I'm not mistaken he tends to go quiet at weekends? Which really does suggest he's not single.

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 07:23

I will give him a chance to explain (he seems to be unravelling currently sending text after text that I haven’t yet read) and then I’ll set some boundaries, that it doesn’t work for me for him to just go quiet for hours on end, and that I want an explanation as to what happened over the weekend. If that puts him off, that’s fine. If he gives me some sort of reasonable explanation, I’ll consider my options. I don’t have a lot to lose either way.

OP posts:
Madonnasmum · 04/06/2018 07:24

Don't have it out with him! Way over invested!
Play it cool. If you feel like replying, don't do it for a few hours. When you do, see if he fancies meeting up on a weekend. You need to see if he avoids weekends which could indicate he's married or has many weekend interests and they are a higher priority than you.

Sametimesameplace · 04/06/2018 07:29

Has he suggested meeting up again or is it all just texts?

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 04/06/2018 07:29

He texted yesterday but didn't reply to a 5pm text yesterday? And he's texted this morning? It's only 7.30am, that all seems fine to me. He could very well be married etc but it's hardly a long time without texting is it? Just an evening really.

WhatCanIDoNowPlease · 04/06/2018 07:31

Although the fact you haven't seen him since your ok (22 May) seems that if he's that busy, what's the point?

MrJohnReese · 04/06/2018 07:34

Sorry but I think you're over reacting a bit. Not a long time to go without answering a text - you're not even in a relationship with him! A lot of men are put off by women wanting constant text contact.

I know it's frustrating waiting but wouldn't write him off yet

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 07:35

It has been suggested that we meet up one night this week and also the weekend. So I don’t think he has a regular partner. Obviously doesn’t mean he isn’t out shagging someone else though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 07:36

And it’s the change in contact that is different. I know people get buys and go quiet. And I’m cool with that. But it’s not usual for him to do that

OP posts:
Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 07:46

Although the fact you haven't seen him since your ok (22 May) seems that if he's that busy, what's the point?

We have both been busy. I was away for a weekend and he worked away last week. We are 2 people with really busy lives. Yes it’s a struggle to find a time to meet up, but at least we understand each other’s busy lives. I would find it more difficult to be with someone who wasn’t as busy and might get frustrated with how busy my life is!

OP posts:
TeacupTattoo · 04/06/2018 08:09

Why don't you give yourself time-frames? Might help your anxiety. Eg, 'I expect some kind of contact/response within 48hrs'. (After you've had sex this doesn't seem too much to expect) You don't have to tell him, just keep it in your head that that is your standard. I know right from the very beginning with my husband (met OLD) we were in contact at least daily and neither of us had any anxiousness over if the other was playing games. It felt nice and respectful and right, immediately.

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 08:14

Teacup yes that makes sense. It’s about boundaries and how I expect to be treated. I have been crap with boundaries before and been trampled all over (numerous abusive relationships), so I need to set boundaries in my head and also say them out loud to others. That’s quite a challenge for me. But I deserve to be treated nicely and need to stand up to behaviour that doesn’t live up to what I am looking for.

OP posts:
LastNightsMakeUp · 04/06/2018 08:24

@ghosting have my head in my hands reading this this morning....

We have both been busy. I was away for a weekend and he worked away last week. We are 2 people with really busy lives. Yes it’s a struggle to find a time to meet up, but at least we understand each other’s busy lives. I would find it more difficult to be with someone who wasn’t as busy and might get frustrated with how busy my life is!

Please don't make excuses for him! It takes very minimal effort to send a message or make a quick call. Especially when you are interested in someone. Respect and take care of yourself - and put yourself first!

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 08:42

Oh I’m not making excuses for him regarding being in contact. To me it’s not ok that he seemed to fall off the edge of the planet yesterday with zero contact and restart today as if all is well with zero explanation. And that I will call him up on because that is not how I expect to be treated.

Regarding meeting up, that’s a different matter and what I was referring to in that bit you quoted. He works away, I have kids and 2 jobs. It’s hard to coordinate 2 busy diaries, hence not meeting up since my OP. But that I can live with. Being ignored when he usually replies to texts within a few minutes isn’t ok.

OP posts:
Elphame · 04/06/2018 09:04

Bluntly - if he was that keen he'd make time for you even if he was busy. Texting takes seconds.

Yes he has a busy schedule - so did my OH and I when we met. I knew he was keen when he cancelled commitments so he could see me again a few days after we first met rather than stick to the original plan which would have meant a couple of weeks before we were both free.

He really is playing the classic game - blowing hot and cold and giving you just enough to keep you dangling. Move on and forget him.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 04/06/2018 09:14

I really think if everything is fine except for a few tardy replies you would be mad to chuck it in. I would ignore all the “he’s married” comments. There’s absolutely no basis for that accusation. And they were unread messages. Maybe he just let his phone go flat and was away from a power point. Who knows? People try for years to find a nice partner. Give him a chance.

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 09:20

Maybe it’s just me then?! Although it doesn’t feel like it!

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 04/06/2018 09:43

If everything was well with you two, you wouldn't have these massive doubts. A new relationship is not meant to drag you down and make you worry the way you have been.

CharliesSister · 04/06/2018 09:50

Has he ever gone quite for longer more than 24 hours? Cause tbh I think you may just have different communication expectations.

Original poster
ghosting · 04/06/2018 09:54

Has he ever gone quite for longer more than 24 hours? Cause tbh I think you may just have different communication expectations

No, the longest was yesterday which was 12 hours. But he usually reads and replies to messages very quickly. To not be online at all for 12 hours is VERY unusual.

Maybe I am just being anxious and high maintenance. But the way he was over the weekend doesn’t feel right, and you are meant to listen to gut instincts, right? I will give him a chance to explain what happened though. Just in case it is me being paranoid.

OP posts:
CharliesSister · 04/06/2018 10:13

But he usually reads and replies to messages very quickly.

So what's the problem? He usually replies to messages quickly. Occasionally he doesn't, you've said he works long hours and presumably has a life outside of work too.

I think freaking out every time he takes longer than ten minutes to reply, or doesn't reply one evening, is more your problem than his. I don't mean to be mean, and I say this as someone who has an anxiety disorder.

People on MN are very quick to accuse things and say LTB, but in reality he's probably just busy.

Dont "have it out with him", or make accusations. Tell him that you like him and worry when he doesn't reply, see what he says.

I live in Saudi Arabia and my boyfriend lives in the UK, I work 144 hours a week, he works 60 or so, we've never gone longer than 24 hours without a message but it's not unusual to only have one a day.

CharliesSister · 04/06/2018 10:18

I've just reread your recent posts as I'm not sure what you mean by what happened over the weekend.

If you're freaking out/pissed off at 5am in the morning because you haven't heard from him since 5pm, then you need to walk away.
Perhaps you're being high maintenance, perhaps you're genuinely picking up on something instinctually, either way this isn't healthy and sounds like it's really dominating your life and consistently affecting your mood.
At this stage the relationship should be fun and exciting.

FWIW there isn't anything wrong with texting at 5pm then not texting until the next day, and if someone brought that up to me as a major issue I'd probably back off a bit.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 04/06/2018 11:16

^This. He might have just fallen asleep watching tv at 5pm then gone off to bed. If he works so much it would be easy to do.

RoseWhiteTips · 04/06/2018 11:20

Get rid. Stop wasting our time.

Notmorewashing · 04/06/2018 11:29

Sorry but I would get rid.

Everyone and anyone can message constantly in this day and age even with a busy career and social life. If the guy likes you he would be harassing you.

Not judging but why would you sleep with someone before being official if you can’t handle him not contacting you ?

Swipe left for the next trending thread