To assume I've been ghosted?

[ghosting]

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

My advice would be to tread carefully.
If he takes a day to reply to you, take two days to reply to him!
Don't ask to see him, let him ask you and do not sleep with him!
These games are stupid but it's what they clearly want , if he makes you feel disheartened in anyway walk away.

I've been thinking about this a bit recently as have had similar doing OLD. Lots of messages without me responding, then when I eventually do sometimes after a few weeks or months lots of texts at the beginning, a few meets, then after a few meets maybe sleep together after a few of the dates, then get the gut feeling they are backing off, and then the gut feeling is true. No drama just fade away. So it's not like a quick one night stand or something.

What I've noticed is it happens when I finally, after weeks or months of them doing the chasing, start to initiate meeting, that they seem to lose interest. You would think that they'd get fed up of having to chase all the time and like it to be reciprocated, but the opposite seems to be the case. So maybe they like the chase or are afraid of intimacy or commitment.
Obviously not all guys, just these ones.

So it seems whether you wait to sleep with them, it makes little difference if they are this type. Just means it takes you longer to find out, and you've possibly had more time to build a connection. And also it's difficult to tell if they are this type, as if they are any good at it they know what to say, apart from the obvious future faking and red flags is hard to tell.if they are not this type, and it's meant to be, it won't really matter when you slept with them or how much you both texted and so on.

So I guess maybe have no expectation, make sure you're not future faking yourself, and if it goes from being happy for both of you to message whenever you feel like it, to second guessing yourself if its OK to message and getting headwrecked waiting for them to message, just forget and move on.

Often they are doing nothing wrong, neither of you owes the other anything though a bit of courtesy would be nice, and see each meet as a chance to try something out for a while and see if it works and if not ok, rather than seeing everything as having to move in a linear way to a relationship.

Don't want to be too soft, but also don't want to be too hardened. It's a difficult one alright, but maybe just adjust expectations not of how you want to be treated, but of how it may turn out.

To be honest I can't be arsed with all those dating games, waiting a day to reply so your life looks interesting etc. If I like you I'll tell you, if I don't I'll tell you I don't. If my phone is in my hand when you message me I'll read it and reply, if I'm in a gym class or out with friends then I'll reply when I can etc. If you ask me out on a certain date / time and I'm free then I'll say I'm free, if I'm already planning something with friends then sorry but hopefully another time. Straight from the shoulder, what you see is what you get.

There's nothing wrong with just being honest and upfront, if he doesn't like that it thinks it's boring then righto fair enough and take care, goodbye, fuck off etc.

If he does like that then he appreciates who you are and maybe you've a chance of being well suited and on the same page.

If I want to play games I'll stick to monopoly thanks 👍🏻 who can be arsed with that shit

Geordie that is exactly how I am too and I'm so glad to know there's someone else who thinks and acts like I do when it comes to dating.
I honestly think that if someone is the right person for you then there will be non of this game playing shite.

It took me 17 (yes, 17) years of dating, including a few LTRs, to realise that EVERY SINGLE TIME I had one of these 'mind fuck, what does that call/text (or lack of) mean' beginnings, not a single one of them developed into anything more than a few dates. Whereas the 'no dramas, phoned when he said he would' types all naturally developed into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without it even being discussed.

I met my now-DH through OLD 13 years ago. Very happy together with two children, but if I was ever on the dating scene again, I would have no qualms about dropping the mind-fuck types straight away; your instincts are normally correct, I just wish I'd listened to mine more often.

It took me 17 (yes, 17) years of dating, including a few LTRs, to realise that EVERY SINGLE TIME I had one of these 'mind fuck, what does that call/text (or lack of) mean' beginnings, not a single one of them developed into anything more than a few dates. Whereas the 'no dramas, phoned when he said he would' types all naturally developed into a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship without it even being discussed

That’s fascinating!

He’s back to being really chatty, so maybe he was just really busy at work? Still no plans to meet up but his work schedule is quite unpredictable. Hopefully I’m not just making excuses for him now!

MsVestibule same for me. Ive had two significant OLD relationships, one my ex and one my fiancé (lots of others that went nowhere before them) and both of them were no drama whatsoever. Appeared when they said they would, texted or rang back when it was correct to do so. No worrying or paranoia, just genuine blokes.

Maybe he has been busy elsewhere.......

I agree with MsVestibule - no drama with my OLD date who turned into a BF even though we did have a genuinely fairly complicated and slightly dramatic situation going on! But even so it's all as simple as it could be, communication has always been clear and open between and the only times I've felt confused or unsure it's been down to a genuine misunderstanding which was easily cleared up quickly.

Whereas the ones who kept me guessing, worrying, on the edge of my seat, re-reading texts or hypothesising situations ("maybe he's....") all flaked out on me, were emotionally unavailable or went on vanishing acts (and periodically reappear months and months later....)

Glad he's back in regular touch. I think you just need to see what happens with this one but agree with those who said that worrying/guessing etc isn't a great sign.

I also agree with whoever said that texting a lot before meeting (and texting a lot in general) does ramp things up in a slightly artificial way. It feels like you know them better than you actually do. And it makes it worse if things don't work out and you are used to texting a lot.

I think you need to accept that OLD is a roller coaster, take regular breaks from it as needed, remember you don't know this person or anything about them. I did find some men liked to "date you into sex", ie they just wanted sex but wanted it with someone they perceived as a "nice girl" (ugh) who they could convince into it (ugh again!).

I found that are two options to screen those men out. One is just have sex when you feel ready and when you want to - but have no expectations from them and be ready to walk away if they seem like they are attempting a head fuck (they tend to want to date you into sex then keep you dangling around in case they want to go back for more).

Second options is wait a while to have sex - so that if they are this type of man, they'll get fed up of waiting. Some may give up but for some it'll just spur them on or be more of a challenge and be worse for you when you eventually have sex after wasting a lot of time and energy on them. I can't bear that type of man, i always had much more respect for the men who were honest about just wanting sex!

There are lovely men out there who do want relationships, I did OLD for a couple of years and had a few short relationships which ended as we just weren't right for each other. I've been with my current bf for 2.5 years and he's amazing. I took the attitude that I'd just do OLD as and when I felt like it as I knew it was very unlikely I'd meet the right person in my day to day life (small child, work in a tiny company etc). But I still made sure I was happy single and wasn't pinning all my hopes for life on meeting a man.

I think a lot of it is just me and my anxiety. Maybe he isn’t that interested, or maybe he is seeing someone else, or maybe x, y and z. I don’t know. But I hate the feeling in myself that I’m doing this all wrong, because that’s what I’m feeling at the moment.

I am happy single and I’m definitely not pinning all my hopes on finding a man. It would be nice to spend some time with someone I get on with, but it’s not the be all and end all. I have gotten swept away in his talk of the future and I need to try and ground myself a bit better.

In my experience if they suddenly go quiet, or ghost and then reappear, they will do it again. Not worth the agro.

As a bloke point of view, I was 'ghosted' at least 3 times in my OLD days by women I thought had more about them .

I think on each occasion I was used as an ego boost for someone who really didn't want to see anyone.

My experience of OLD, definitely towards the end, is that there was nothing easier or nicer about it than real life, as Im pretty convinced it's just taken the place of real life. People are materialistic, players, fantasists etc..you've just got to take your lumps if you go down this path .

What a creep.

Next time wait longer before sleeping with them.
Trouble with internet dating is there are too many men out there looking for these opportunities

I also know several women that have married there internet dates tho

I feel for you op.

mad, did you RTFT? He’s been perfectly nice and normal following one busy day at work. How is he a creep? And how would waiting longer to sleep with him make a difference? She’d just be more invested.

Just updating to say that he’s back to normal, so I think a combination of a really badly timed busy day and my anxiety working overtime lead me to the (hopefully) wrong conclusion.

Still not managed to fixed another date yet. I’ve got kids and 3 part time jobs. He works 50+ hours a week, often in different parts of the country. I’d really like to make it work, but is it possible with 2 really busy people?!

Good stuffs ghosting ~ I hope all works out for you

Maybe yes
Maybe no

I am amazed you managed a shag with your schedule though ! Kudos !

I am amazed you managed a shag with your schedule though! Kudos!

Haha thanks! It does seem somewhat miraculous seeing as we still haven’t managed to set another date!

I do think MN advice on this sort of issue is so contradictory.

A guy hasnt instantly replied to a text, and everyone is telling the op to walk away, that hes not interested.

Then he does text, amd the op is told not to reply, to leave it for a while. Which means she is now being the one appearing not interested, and if he were to follow the advice of walking away because they havent instantly replied, then you have 2 people who may really like each other, but might get busy sometimes , never contact each other again...

MsMarvel - I didn’t abide by most of the “don’t reply too quickly” advice. It feels like game playing and I’m not into that. I’m kind of learning that he isn’t either. Sometimes he is just genuinely busy. And sometimes, I’ve realised, so am I. If I’ve got the kids I might get a chance to read a text but not manage to respond for a couple of hours if I am needed to do something else for the kids. My anxiety definitely got the better of me when I wrote the OP!

I agree with widgin.

Today he has disappeared off the face of the fucking earth. And this follows discussion of what we can do during time off in the summer.

Unless he has a very, very good excuse, I’m done.

Yes you've given him enough chances. Time to move on from this flake!