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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To assume I've been ghosted?

610 replies

ghosting · 22/05/2018 13:57

Met a guy on OLD about a month ago, seemed lovely, all was going well and we were texting a lot and met a couple of times for coffee.

We spent the night together last night, and today...nothing.

He hasn't replied to a message I sent about 4 hours ago, although he has read it.

Is there any rational explanation, or have I been ghosted?

OP posts:
OldBook · 24/05/2018 07:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ghosting · 24/05/2018 07:53

stopshouting

Problem is, the guy I met ticks all those boxes...

OP posts:
thatsscottishtender · 24/05/2018 07:58

I wouldn't respond again. Silence is powerful, as you have learned.

It really shouldn't be this hard. You feel mindfucked after a month in. Trust your instincts and move on.

If you've never read 'He's Just Not That Into You' then do it. I raised my expectations greatly after reading it. When I met my husband I had no doubts as he never once was too busy, or forgot to reply, or did anything that even slightly made me question his interest in me.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 24/05/2018 08:18

🤷‍♀️ Sorry !

JessieMcJessie · 24/05/2018 08:32

No ghosting he doesn’t tick the kind, honest and open boxes! You just thought he did.

Actually stopfuckingshoutingatmw I’d be wary of “wears heart on his sleeve” because IME a common trait of time wasters is to come on massively strong in the beginning with all manner of declarations then to leave you reeling when they back off without explanation. No idea why they do it when it’s not even necessary to get a shag, but they do and it can be very upsetting.

WittyJack · 24/05/2018 08:36

People are weird on OLD. More than once, I had a date where we met at 5ish for coffee, but got on so well that we went for dinner and drinks, and finished at 2am-ish with a snog/talk of next date.

Never heard from them again. And this happened with 3 different guys over the years. I totally get them not fancying me, but then why insist on taking me out to dinner and cocktails? Why stay so late if you're not having fun? I still don't understand that!

Another shout for "he's just not that into you" (book, not film - 2 very different beasts). I learned a lot from that book.

WittyJack · 24/05/2018 08:42

Some quotes:

www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/6842.Greg_Behrendt

isthismylifenow · 24/05/2018 08:49

I had a little dabble on OLD. Don't think I'll go down that route again. Was quite excited to start chatting to someone who was really real (I mean, just finding someone who is just that is a challenge) and we start chatting. Lots in common, thought it was going well. He was on holiday when the chat got into full flow, asked me out for a date when he got back, I said ok... chats continued.

The minute he got back from his holiday, not a word from him. Then randomly one day, no message or anything, he sends me a song out of the blue. I reply short and sweet, get chatting again. Yes, he is on holiday again. Hmm Chat a bit more, again asks when we could go out, I say let me know when you are back from your holidays. You guessed it, not a peep since.

I haven't blocked him. I am waiting for his next message so that I can ask him if its sunny where he is......

Arse.

TooGood2BeFalse · 24/05/2018 09:02

OP you really do sound lovely, you have had 99% helpful and kind responses but 1 or 2 that would upset some people and you have responded so graciously.

ghosting · 24/05/2018 09:04

I’m SO confused.

He rang last night. Really chatty, made inferences about meeting again (but didn’t actually arrange anything), was back to “normal”. He said he had been really busy with work which is why he had been so quiet.

I’ve got other shit going on in my life at the moment but I don’t think I’ve ever been so stressed before. Maybe he can sense that and just thinks I’m some neurotic idiot!

I’ll order the book. And sit on my hands.

OP posts:
Sametimetomorrow · 24/05/2018 09:06

If he was genuinely keen he would arrange to see you again. He wouldn’t want you to go out with anyone else.

isthismylifenow · 24/05/2018 09:12

Ghosting, I think you too shall have to be 'busy' for the next few days.

You dont need this right now. Just play it cool and get the book. I am looking into getting it too. Thanks for that link Witty

StatusFan · 24/05/2018 09:15

I'd bin this one off.
If he was genuinely interested then he'd had found the time to message you.

I was seeing a guy who risked getting warnings at work just to message me (he got 3!).

Definitely take OLD with a pinch of salt. I had one guy who didn't seem forthcoming about meeting, told me he was busy. Asked me what my plans for the weekend were. I told him I'd probably go on a date with someone else.

We met that night as he couldn't handle me wanting to continue dating others.

I've been on & off OLD for a good 8 years now.

ghosting · 24/05/2018 09:53

Book ordered.

And it shouldn’t be this difficult this early on. I’m a bit of a sucker for giving someone the benefit of the doubt - part of me wonders if he has backed off because he is worried that it’s all too much too soon, he seems quite a sensitive type and I think I might have freaked him out - but if he can’t be honest with me then it’s a no go anyway. I can deal with it if he is honest. Going quiet and then acting as if everything is fine is not ok with me.

OP posts:
OutofSyncGirl · 24/05/2018 09:58

Yes you deserve better.

Popc0rn · 24/05/2018 10:04

Do you have any male friends you can ask for their perspective?

This is the situation in summary right...
You met a couple of times for coffee, then on Monday had an evening date, had sex and stayed the night. You text him a couple of hours after leaving on Tuesday morning, he replied late that night, you replied the next day (Wednesday), he rang you later that day.

To me this doesn't sound like he's completely lost interest...not sure what his end game is though. Bit weird to ring you but not to ask what you're up to this weekend or sort out another date Confused. Men are weird sometimes!

ghosting · 24/05/2018 10:13

Popc0rn yes that’s pretty much it. I am away this weekend, which he knew about, and I think he is working away next week. So maybe that’s why he didn’t suggest another date, as it will be at least a week away anyway.

I can think of a suitable male friend to ask so will see what he thinks.

OP posts:
ghosting · 24/05/2018 10:15

I think the difference is that previously we were in text contact all the time. And now that’s massively reduced. So he’s not fallen out of touch completely, but it’s not on the same level it was before.

I really need to learn not to overthink things so much!!

OP posts:
FluffingtonPost · 24/05/2018 10:26

Been following this thread with interest...I remember being in the same boat years ago with OLD before I met my now DP (who I also met online). It is aminefield, but after many failed attempts and eventual success my take on it would be this...

Texting for however long before meeting, is not the same as ‘dating’ and in some ways you should kind of expect that to reduce once youbaxtually start physically seeing and meeting up with each other as that actual contact will replace the text contact.

Technically, honestly, the guys done nothing wrong and you’re probably being overly sensitive because if the increased intimacy and vulnerability...trust me, I’ve been there. One thing I learned from my OLD experience is that men and women view sex, and it’s significance very differently and for lots of men it’s just not as emotional an event as it is for women. Rightly or wrongly, who’s to say, it just is that way sometimes.

My advise would be to proceed, albeit with caution if you would rather. Your last post mentions how communication has reduced...but that’s on both sides now really isn’t it? You thought he’d been taking too long to reply, so you started doing he same thing and haven’t made the effort you would have before. He could be having this exact conversation with his mates...’I was really busy one day and I replied a bit slowly, and now she’s gone a bit cold and doesn’t seem to want to chat or reply, have I don’t something wrong?’

Either way, OLD can be a wonderful thing but you need to thicken your skin a little bit, and if sex is a big thing for you, as PP have said, maybe hold back on that side a little bit.

Sorry this is so long...I do feel your pain, but trust me it can be so worth it :)

FluffingtonPost · 24/05/2018 10:27

Also, sorry for terrible typos...phone and fat fingers not a good combo!

bionicnemonic · 24/05/2018 10:39

I’m a soppy romantic and I’d say if you were comfortable chatting to him when he called and he suggests meeting again then go for it...maybe not home afterwards...just out...but I always give people the benefit of the doubt too!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 24/05/2018 11:23

I agree with the above. If I you were getting along really well, he seemed the same in the morning, he seemed the same on the phone, just relax a bit. This thread has been pretty negative (understandably so) but no one on here knows this guy. Only you can judge and you say he seems great. I wouldn’t throw it all away on a slow text response on a busy day.

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 24/05/2018 11:45

This will be incredibly outing for anyone who knows me (luckily all my previous comments have been v mundane, so nothing to hide!), but just wanted to reiterate what a minefield OLD can be.
I started about 17 years ago! It was a lot more 'taboo' back then to admit to it, but I was only doing it as a bit of a laugh, wasn't looking for anything at that time as had so much going on. It was just fun to go on dates, meet new people etc, a distraction from everyday stresses. Anyway, met all manner of guys and had so many different kind of dates and experiences. My friends would love my stories about everything that went on and thought I should write a book about my experiences!! I had a period of about 6-7yrs having all kinds of fun and new experiences and within that time there were obviously men I didn't see past the first date - from both sides - even though the dates had all gone well enough, but generally I think there were texts back and forth afterwards to that effect, ie less 'ghosting' ime. That seems to be something that has been happening increasingly over the years as OLD became more c

crispysausagerolls · 24/05/2018 11:48

The phone call has really confused me - this is not the action of a ghoster. But not arranging a time to meet again is also weird. I would like to think most men are smart enough to know that after sex women need a bit of reassurance the next day, but he might just be clueless.

People are poo-pooing OLD. I've never tried it but my mother has used it for years and I have to say it sounds like all the same problems with usual dating, nothing worse. Meeting a man out and about doesn't make him any less likely to be a total bastard! At least with online dating you can scan for immediate no-nos e.g children or whatever it is you don't like.

Whatwaswrongwiththatusername · 24/05/2018 11:58

Sorry! Posted too soon!
...became more common and more of an everyday accepted thing.
During those years tho I did end up having a couple of what I call 'mid-term' relationships for a couple of years (ish) each and all kinds in between (yes inc ons at times). One married man slipped past my radar, but only briefly and I realised that after the 2nd date. Many attempts at what people would call 'love bombing' now, but I was lucky though never really to have had too many bad experiences considering the amount of dates I went on. The odd weirdo/potential stalker but dealt with that.
As it has now turned out, someone I met between the two mid term relationships, who I kept in touch with and became friends with (I think met online maybe 11-12 yrs ago?), I am now in a relationship with and have been 9 yrs now, so it really can happen!
I would also say, keep a few eggs in your basket at any one time and don't pin any hopes on just one person you're hoping to meet. It's not playing games, it's just keeping your options open and stops any potential 'intenseness' if pinning hopes on just one guy. Difference I see now is that back then we would (generally) chat for much, much longer before we met up for the first time, which I found really helped my gut instincts in getting to know them a bit more first, thereby reducing the weirdos! It was also often a matter of location too, as there were fewer online overall so frequently not quite so nearby or easy to just meet up for a quick coffee.
Sorry this has been so long!! But dear god, I am so grateful I'm out of old now and would be far too terrified to try it again if I was ever single again (fingers crossed, touch wood etc etc!!) and feel I'm really lucky that it did work out for me in the end!
You just need to trust your instincts, give things time and just be open as to what you are looking for and don't accept anyone other than/below what you are looking for and what you deserve. Good luck! Smile

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