Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

An actual, real list for your husband, really?

209 replies

LifesTooShortForYourNonsense · 21/05/2018 21:56

There were 3 mums talking on the pick up from school today about the lists they have for their husbands - I was a bit speechless, as they were talking about real, written lists. Of stuff to do. For their full time working husbands, when they either don't work or work part time. Do people really do this? And, stay married? I don't understand, I would never... How disrespectful. I'm just imagining if my DH did this for me, I'd be so out the door! AIBU, or should I start a list!

OP posts:
lemonsunshinecake · 22/05/2018 07:11

I have never and would never write a chore list for another adult

speakout · 22/05/2018 07:12

I don't even bleach kitchen worktops.

Hot soapy water is enough.

Bleach is horrible stuff- who wants to be inhaling chlorine fumes?

Pengggwn · 22/05/2018 07:13

GreatDuckCookery

I might give them a wipe if they have shit on them, but that's as far as it goes.

speakout · 22/05/2018 07:13

I have never and would never write a chore list for another adult

And that's great for you.

But other people work in different ways.
I often write chore lists for my OH.
Works for us.

Nodancingshoes · 22/05/2018 07:14

No we don't do this. If jobs need doing, one of us will just do it. Sometimes if dh has a day off I even let him relax all day! Grin my friend does NOT let her dh relax for a second nor does she ever do so - lists for every day they are off...

speakout · 22/05/2018 07:18

Sometimes if dh has a day off I even let him relax all day!

You "let " him?

Almost like the list making then.

Alwayscheerful · 22/05/2018 07:19

Jobs don't get done in this house unless they are on a list, it used to be on the back of an envelope and cut off time was 6pm Friday. I am not allowed to add to the list over the weekend. The rules have recently changed I must now share the list electronically over iPhone, DH is competitive and takes delight in working his way through the list and finishing jobs, the list used to annoy me however it is better that I embrace it. It would piss me off if I was given a list.

speakout · 22/05/2018 07:22

Good to see that lists work for other couples!!

I thought we were alone!

gamerwidow · 22/05/2018 07:24

Maybe they’ve got husbands like mine who never see when stuff needs to be done. If I complain he says ‘well just tell me what needs doing’. I suspect the lists are for these type of men.

BalloonSlayer · 22/05/2018 07:25

"Wipe down doorframes" is one thing. "Bleach doorframes," specifying which cleaning product to use, and indeed suggesting an industrial process itself rather than a quick clean, is somewhat different. Grin

Alwayscheerful · 22/05/2018 07:27

I need to find the thread about bleaching if door frames. Our list is not about routine jobs such as bleach door frames or I stack dishwasher it's about , take x to the tip, fix loose curtain pole, dig out tree! Extra jobs not routine jobs,

Atthebottomofthesea · 22/05/2018 07:31

This is actually something I have discussed at length in my counselling sessions.

Outcome: I no longer let mumsnet influence my thinking, write a list, dh does the stuff, This means I don't feel all resentful when stuff isn't done, I realise I shouldn't 'have to' but I 'need to'. And the outcome is that it is happier all round.

(For context I work full time, he is the sahp/carer of school aged children)

MrsKoala · 22/05/2018 07:32

I have 'why the fuck should I do this lists' for DH

Which are things i cannot do because he has hampered me from doing them and then wont do them himself and i just want to bang my head against the wall. For example anything which needs getting out of the garage/cellar/loft because it's full of his shite i physically can't get in and he doesn't like me to because it's HIS STUFF (long with mine and the dc stuff that i actually need access to).

I also have admin lists which i cannot do because they are bills and things which are in his name and things he has to do for his Dad which he can only do but wouldn't without being told to.

I would much rather be able to do everything myself as i spend months and sometimes years trying to get him to do things which would take me an hour or 2.

TomHardyswife · 22/05/2018 07:33

My DH asks me to write him a list as he has a memory like a sieve, but he is very stubborn and it just stops all the bickering. Getting worse as we are getting older. If we have an important conversation about an event or something for example, we have been invited to a BBQ next weekend, I will text him the details there and then to prove we have discussed it and he knows about it! Otherwise we would be like "You never told me we were invited to Xs BBQ!" "Ermm yes, we had a conversation about it and you said you wanted to go"

In terms of house maintenance, we have a To Do list of DIY stuff that needs doing around the house and seeing as he is much better at DIY than me, I will add stuff to the list for him as and when it needs doing.

Why would it be disrespectful if the lists were just gentle reminders?

DurhamDurham · 22/05/2018 07:34

Maybe lists are the way to go. On way home from yesterday I called into Aldi and bought some things we'd run out of. Unfortunately my husband popped into Lidl on his way home as bought practically the same things.
We don't need a list really, just managing to let each other know we were buying groceries would be a start. Still, all is not lost. We'll take the opportunity to taste test to see whether Aldi or Lidl come out top Smile

CrabappleBiscuit · 22/05/2018 07:40

I left lists when my dh was severely depressed.

Now, there’s a list we discuss, he’ll write it or I’ll write it. My memory is crap and his is selective. Then we’ll discuss who is doing what.

There’s not many lists though.

And while I have on occasion cleaned a doorframe, I have never bleached one....

MissWilmottsGhost · 22/05/2018 07:40

I cant imagine writing a to do list for DH, especially one that includes routine tasks like empty the dishwasher or put the bins out Confused

The only list in our house is things we need from the shop.

As for DIY jobs etc, if we wrote them down how could we forget about them, think oh we have nothing to do this weekend, and go and have fun instead? Grin

Seriously, life's too short for fixing the gate

BitOutOfPractice · 22/05/2018 07:53

I'm so glad lots of people are asking about the bleaches door frames because I've never heard of it either.

wallyfeatures · 22/05/2018 07:56

You need a shared online calendar, then you can write and assign a task to your other half AND put a time by which it should be done.

Lists huh! You bunch of amateurs Wink Grin

Bifflepants · 22/05/2018 07:56

When I went back to the UK for a month, I left a list that stretched from the top of the door frame to the bottom, all colour coded, and dated, for my partner and 2 teenage girls. They loved it. Saved them having to think.

Teaandbiscuits88 · 22/05/2018 07:58

I only write a list for my dh is he asks for one. It is generally when the house is a tip and we are expecting guests imminently. Our situation is slightly different though in that I have OCD and this is often triggered by having guests in my home. I need things to be cleaned in a certain order and a certain way (not healthy to indulge my anxiety like this I know!) so he asks for a list of what he can do to make it easier for me. He also gets me to write lists sometimes as, despite him apparently being very decisive in work, he can never make decisions at home Hmm so he asks me to do a list in order of priority of what needs doing.

It's actually got sod all to do with who works. It's about helping each other out to make sure the household runs smoothly. And it works for us - no bitter undertone of resentment here Wink

speakout · 22/05/2018 08:14

Seriously, life's too short for fixing the gate

I am a complete advocate for enjoying life, but unfortunately keeping on top of basic household maintenance is part of being an adult.
We do the basic minimum, not people who redecorate just on a whim, but even then there are things that crop up that need to be fixed.

So it could be the gate,
A few bulbs out,
A lightswitch not working
Broken hinge on a toilet seat
A stiff tap
Stuff in the garage that needs to be taken to the dump.

  • Just a few of the things that have needed doing in my home recently.
None of them urgent, but if we ignore all that small stuff the list steadily grows and before you know it there is an overwhelming amount of this low level stuff that needs to be done. Much easier to tackle a couple of jobs on a regular basis.
desertmum · 22/05/2018 08:16

I LOVE lists - it's a bit of a prevarication in itself - writing a list is a chore in itself so it feels like I've achieved something without actually doing anything Grin

And the crossing off of items on the list is very satisfactory. But the list doesn't include every day stuff - more along the lines of

  • move ponies
  • clean out chicken sheds
  • call muck heap removal man
  • plant potatoes
and so it goes on. It's big jobs to try and keep us on track with what needs doing. Then, when the list gets messy I write a new one.
OutComeTheWolves · 22/05/2018 08:17

I write dh a list. He works very long hours in a stressful job and is away a lot of the time. I work very minimal hours in a part time job, so take on the bulk of the house work. My list for dh is pretty much things I 'can't' do myself (ie things I don't want to do) for example clean out the fish tank, which I won't do because I never wanted the stupid things in the first place.

PamsterWheel · 22/05/2018 08:21

If the husbands aren't offended no need for you to be outraged. Families work in different ways!

Swipe left for the next trending thread