To be embarrassed by BIL and SILs kids in restaurant

[LittleMermaidRose]

We were out for a family dinner last night, in laws brought their two kids age 5 and 2.

Oh my goodness it was dreadful! Youngest kid was hammering her toys off the table, lots of screaming. Oldest running around the restaurant, shouting, demanding to watch Peppa Pig, which she was eventually allowed to watch (very loudly) on her mother's phone.

That's the only time they acknowledged their kids. MIL tried her best to swap 2yo's toys for a soft book, parents just drank their wine.

FIL left early! I think he had had enough.

I know kids make noise & they were probably a bit bored, but it's the fact that the parents thought it was ok to disrupt the whole restaurant.

People were staring at us, it was so embarrassing.
I didn't feel it was my place to say something to them and I have anxiety so I found the whole situation really difficult.

My stress levels do heighten due to my anxiety, so perhaps I'm overreacting.

AIBU???

YANBU theres no way id allow my 2 year old to disrupt an entire restaurant! Other people have not come out to a restaurant to listen to my child scream and shout and bang. Id have taken her home

'I have no idea what the kids' normal routine is,'

OP, you've actually hinted a number of times that you don't know mujch about the children or parents. Maybe these parents don't get out often/at all and were tired/ in a bit of a daze as I know you can be sometimes, not just because of the kids, but when you're with family and tired there are times you can switch off and assume (and I'm not saying this is okay), that your family will help out. YANBU. Kids should not be in restaurants, they are boring places with waits all over the place but I understand that sometimes people think it's worth giving a go to have family dinners. We have four children that can be good/ crazy in restaurants and so we try our very best to never have to bring them. MIL is always trying to set up dinners out and we normally find a way to change it so they go out themselves and we cook for them another time or they cook for us, or we go for a picnic or something. The only time we've given in none of dh's family would so much as let them breathe, when any of the kids so much as moved they were snapped at and by the end all the in laws were stressed out even though they were having a good day. I understood, the in laws are used to going out themselves and didn't understand that kids shift in their seats etc when left waiting too long. So yanbu but just try to keep an open mind too. This thread is a bit mad because there are a lot of people who are so judgy and then so many who are sensible and remind me why I love MN!!!!!:) By the way to the poster who says people will now be anxious about taking their kids out, we're going on our first foreign holiday this summer with a group of people and I am dreading eating out but am just going to have to relax and stay alert!!!!!

I love the summer for this very reason - dh and I do actually get to enjoy a meal in a child friendly beer garden! Ds is now 7 and so those years are behind us as far as he's concerned - he has lovely table manners now, providing he's not sat for a 3 course, two hour meal. Dd on the other hand is 18 months... enough said.

Ds was never placated by gentle toys like soft books and colouring crayons. As a 7yo he has virtually no artistic ability whatsoever bless him. But he can build awesome Lego things and loves computer games. We lived and learned with him and are very cautious about where we take dd and at what time for this very reason.

The one thing in can say, is that on the odd occasion we had to do a 'family' meal out with parents and sisters/ bils etc I was always extremely grateful to those who helped us out a little by engaging them in conversation, being silly with them and generally helping us out. Yes, we're the parents - but when you're struggling for whatever reason, it's always nice when someone notices and helps.

Our saving grace is that dd is already more 'bookish' than her elder brother ever was. Ultimately she's still a toddler though. And toddlers are hard work.

And this is why I don't often take my 3yo to restaurants! He can be an absolute nightmare when he wants to be, and does not like having to sit at a table for a hour+ with nothing to do so does end up getting up and running around because he's bored.
I think yabu to be embarrassed by the children - they aren't your problem and are only small so don't understand sitting down and having a nice meal out. If my BiL told me he was embarrassed by my DS being a child then I'd go mad as it's not his place. However, I don't ignore my child like you say your BiL & SiL do so maybe that's different.
If my DS needs telling to calm down, I will do that. I'll usually take him outside and let him run of some steam there before returning to the table under strict instructions to sit and eat his food or play quietly with his toys. But I hate having to do that so I'd rather not got out at all unless its a family type place in which case people expect that kind of thing to happen once in a while and I'm a bit more laid back when it comes to settling him down instead of taking him away from the situation straight away.
It's the parents who are the problem here, not the children, they can't help it if they are bored and want to get up and move but the parents should be making sure they aren't disrupting anyone else evening in the process.

7pm is too late for young children. But what a prize idiot your BIL is for booking that time when it's his children.

Maybe they are exhausted/struggling and hoped family would supervise their kids and give them a break. Or maybe they just don't give a sh*t!

if you were in Giraffe at 6pm then I think YABU This is probably why several Giraffe restaurants have closed lately - lack of customers. No one wants to see unruly children when they go out for a meal.

Thanks sweeneytoddsrazor I didn't think so either.
In fact, I attributed the slumping to embarrassment about his fussy eating being made an issue of. It wouldn't even have happened had DH not been a twat.
Which, as you say, leaves us with not saying please which is a gentle reminder situation and not cause for a telling off imo.
in the end I had to tell DH to shut up and stop ruining dinner for everyone. His attitude was far more of a problem. I'm all for backing the other parent up but there are limits.

OP .... I don’t think you’re being entirely honest ...

You’ve said you’re a fun auntie and uncle, take the kids out a lot, have sleepovers .. yet you know nothing of their usual routine and can’t mention the kids ‘behaviour’ while at the restaurant?

Not the kids fault. Stupid bil for booking a table and meal for their children’s bedtime! Mine would be crawling the walls and going off their heads in that situation. Unbelievably selfish and thoughtless.

YANBU.

My eldest was terrible in restaurants as a toddler. People who say DC just need to be taught to behave in restaurants and they'll be fine, and it's bad parenting if they can't sit at a table for half an hour, haven't got a clue what it's like parenting a child like my DS! Some kids can do it at a young age, some just can't.

But - what the parent of a wilful child is responsible for is making sure their child doesn't spoil other people's experiences.

So, when DP and I went to restaurants with DS when he was little, once DS got the point he couldn't handle being at the table anymore, we'd take turns sitting at the table while the other parent went outside with DS to let him run about.

As you might expect, we didn't choose to go to restaurants often! Not till DS became mature enough to be able to handle it.

I've also deployed phones at tables, when the DC were younger, which I know people disapprove of, but if it's that or run up and down outside, do you know what - I'd rather make an exception and actually get to talk to other adults! But 100% with the sound off, again it's my responsibility to not disturb other people.

7pm is too late for young children

Not really. This is a strangely British attitude. Not all DC go to bed at 6-7!

When my DS was little, he used to like having a nap in the day, then he'd be up till 10pm, and not wake till 8am. That worked for him. (MIL was horrified!)

In many European countries it's perfectly normal to have DC in restaurants long after the magical British watershed of 7pm.

Some children find staying up past 7pm is tough, but not all do.

You’ve said you’re a fun auntie and uncle, take the kids out a lot, have sleepovers .. yet you know nothing of their usual routine and can’t mention the kids ‘behaviour’ while at the restaurant

Also on another thread regarding troublesome children of the same age, OP has said she has no idea how to talk to children. I don't condone bad behaviour from kids in restaurants or anywhere else for that matter, but I wonder if it was really that bad, or given the OP suffers with anxiety and isn't good around children it was maybe not as bad as she thinks.

YANBU it's really shit if you go into to eat somewhere and there are children there with invisible parents(they completely ignore they're children as if they're nothing to do with them)it's always always the children from those familys that run around screeching.The parents act like it's they're night off and as if everyone else in the place should parent them instead.

I have 5DC and 2 of our DC are autistic but our children have never behaved like that in a cafe or coffee shop let alone a restaurant.

We have a family member who has always allowed and ignored their kids doing this. It IS bloody embarrassing.
It's just lazy, shabby parenting. YANBU

The parents belong in the same category as young adults that make phone calls on speaker in public.

No one except you thinks your kid (or your call) is in any way interesting or important, and no one wants their own thoughts, conversation or work disturbed by either, in any public place.

I despair of the world ever realising this.

Possible your BIL arranges the time at 630 for other people? Not many adults want to eat dinner at 5. Maybe SIL roles her eyes and went along for the sake of everyone else but pointed out it’d be hard for the children.

Everything wendy said - either you care and want to help, or you’re not really a terribly nice person op - they’re not just badly behaved kids, they’re your family. Even if I felt like this, I wouldn’t get onto mumsnet and slag off my family members.

Do you really think they should’ve made a big scene marching the kids out of the restaurant when it was an important family occasion? Would you all have gone ‘fair play’ and applaused, or, would you have railed against them ruining a family meal?

Sometimes parents can’t win.

Theyre just spirited souls. YABU
not really

I never judge children’s behaviour in restaurants. I judge the parents.

You can clearly tell the difference between a parent who’s engaged and trying their best to make a meal a good experience for everyone and a parent who’s clocked out for the evening. The latter gets my dander up no end!

My Dsis just checks out the second we enter a restaurant. We all end up entertaining/taking to the toilet/cutting up food and hoofing Dniece and Dnephew out of the building when it’s all gotten too much for them.

Children are unpredictable and bloody hard work but as long as you’re aware of this and don’t sit simpering how cute they are as they pick their nose next to some strangers plate then I’ll happily share a restaurant with you.

Do you really think they should’ve made a big scene marching the kids out of the restaurant when it was an important family occasion?

You don't have to march the kids out!

I used to take my DS out to run about as he just couldn't handle sitting still for long as a toddler.

I didn't march him out. I took him out for a bit of a run about. I missed large chunks of family occasions several times, but my choice was stay at home at miss it, or be there for some of it.

He grew out of it eventually.

i find these threads hard.because I cant imagine how difficult it must be for a parent if their child is like this.and what if they really cant stop them but are the best parents and rule the roost well usually?does this happen or has something gone wrong if the child thinks or acts this way.
because on the other hand I cant imagine acting like this or remember a time I did.nor my brother or sister.and my reason thinking back.if I got to a certain upset point mum and dad got me into check.and from the get go I new how to behave.

Don’t go out with them again and tell them why.

We don’t go out to eat much at the moment - Dd is 2.5 and ds is 3 months - but when we do we would ideally choose somewhere with outside space easily accessible so one of us can take Dd out for a change of scenery to extend things a bit. We also keep it relatively short and don’t expect it to be a leisurely experience.

I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself with a

Posted too soon...

I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself if they needed attention so I’d find it hard to imagine how someone could check out and not try to turn things around. That said, if it’s a family meal that I’m bringing the children to because PIL want them to be there, then I think it’s fair that they take their turn doing the entertaining so I get to eat, too. Especially when they’ve dawdled over ordering and delayed things, making the job so much harder.