To be embarrassed by BIL and SILs kids in restaurant

[LittleMermaidRose]

We were out for a family dinner last night, in laws brought their two kids age 5 and 2.

Oh my goodness it was dreadful! Youngest kid was hammering her toys off the table, lots of screaming. Oldest running around the restaurant, shouting, demanding to watch Peppa Pig, which she was eventually allowed to watch (very loudly) on her mother's phone.

That's the only time they acknowledged their kids. MIL tried her best to swap 2yo's toys for a soft book, parents just drank their wine.

FIL left early! I think he had had enough.

I know kids make noise & they were probably a bit bored, but it's the fact that the parents thought it was ok to disrupt the whole restaurant.

People were staring at us, it was so embarrassing.
I didn't feel it was my place to say something to them and I have anxiety so I found the whole situation really difficult.

My stress levels do heighten due to my anxiety, so perhaps I'm overreacting.

AIBU???

Yes I guess the OP doesn't have kids. And while I definitely agree children should be taught how to behave in a restaurant I also would never take a 2 yr old out for dinner. It was probably the worst possible point if the day to have a relaxing meal with small children!

YANBU. The two year old is two so you can't really expect much. But the five year old shouldnt have been allowed to behave that way. If my three year old had done that he would have been frog marched to the car where he would have been kept (obviously not alone) until the meal was finished.

The op wasn’t sneering she said she wasn’t sure what to do and anxiety made it more difficult

@Walkaboutwendy it isn't anyone else's responsibility to step in an help though, the parents don't sound like they were even trying to control the children. Also if OP doesn't have children of her own it can be very awkward and difficult to know what to do to help.

I'm with you OP, I would've been embarrassed and felt really awkward.

We live in France, plenty of children sit through at a minimum a 2 hour lunch.
They can go off and play a little between courses. They are impeccably behaved at table, there may be a bit of colouring or small toys but French parents will not accept shit behaviour.

I have taken DS to restaurants since he was a week old.
When he was a toddler we would go to Chinese buffets so we could be in an out in 45 minutes, or eat early when We weren’t disturbing people.

At DS school, they sit for a 3 course meal for lunch. There’s lots of chatting but no bad behaviour.

OP your in laws are fucking lazy parents. I would have paid my bit of the bill and left.

YANBU. I hate this sort of behaviour which is why when we have dinner out - we eat at 5pm - out by 6pm. And as soon as my 4 year old starts getting restless and wants to walk about or run about - we leave. Its not only embarrasing - its so rude to the other patrons around. Its like some parents think this is acceptable behaviour. Baffling.

Also it doesn’t sound as if the parents were frazzled, most people would step in if that were the case
They sounded relaxed which must have made the op question what to do

It's hard work going out for a meal with young kids. You have to take colouring, tiny Lego kits, be prepared to help them with said entertainments, play noughts and crosses or the square game or I Spy. There's loads of extra choice these days with headphones and devices (but then beware judgement from those who will criticise you for not 'engaging'!) But eventually most kids will get fed up with sitting and that's when adults have to take it in turns to walk them round the block. It's why pubs/restaurants can get away with crap food and still fill tables if they have play areas. I'm afraid these are not the years when you can relax and drink wine and have a lovely catch-up with your dining companions. If your ILs were being idle then YANBU - but maybe you could have pitched in a bit with helping entertain and distract the children so that everyone has a better time? (Telling them off rarely works). Still, you'll know for next time and be better prepared to help, won't you? Perhaps be the lovely aunt who arrives with interesting stuff to do?

OP your in laws are fucking lazy parents. I would have paid my bit of the bill and left.

^This. The parents were more concerned with their wine than their kids behaviour.

No, its not ok. Dh and I stopped taking the ds's out for a short period of time, because it just wasn't enjoyable. Its about the parents having the right attitude, to at least try and get young children to behave/entertain them/show respect to other diners. Many people just don't do this. Don't mind kids making some noise, but I don't like kids running around, screaming etc.

But why is it okay to sit there with a mental clipboard taking notes and judging rather than actually getting involved or helping out.

I can't imagine many people would welcome an offer of help, tbh. In fact, I could imagine being met with a hostile response. And what when the Modern Parent types turn round and say "It's ok, he's just expressing himself" or some such old pony? A big part of the problem is that a lot of people don't see anything wrong in their children's disruptive behaviour.

If people have gone out for a relaxing, grown-up, child-free meal why the fuck should they get involved or help other people manage their children's bad behaviour?

It's not rocket science. You take them places, and if they misbehave and don't stop when asked/told to, you take them outside until they've calmed down. Rinse and repeat, as necessary.

Neither me or DP enjoyed standing in a pub car park or sitting in the car with a screaming toddler, but that's what we did. And we did it many, many times until he got the idea that that was not how to behave.

Sneering -'to talk about or look at someone or something in an unkind way that shows you do not respect or approve of him, her, or it' Cambridge dictionary

We were out for a family dinner last night, in laws brought their two kids age 5 and 2.

Oh my goodness it was dreadful! Youngest kid was hammering her toys off the table, lots of screaming. Oldest running around the restaurant, shouting, demanding to watch Peppa Pig, which she was eventually allowed to watch (very loudly) on her mother's phone.

That's the only time they acknowledged their kids. MIL tried her best to swap 2yo's toys for a soft book, parents just drank their wine.

FIL left early! I think he had had enough.

I know kids make noise & they were probably a bit bored, but it's the fact that the parents thought it was ok to disrupt the whole restaurant.

I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I suspect there are people reading this who also have anxiety who now feel a little bit more anxious about taking their kids out in restaurants for fear of being judged.

I do not condone the behaviour of the kids but family should support family. I don't agree with the whole approach of 'why should she help out' because that's what family does. But as I say I'm in the minority here.

if you were in Giraffe at 6pm then I think YABU

Really? So ignoring a 5yr old while they run around a restaurant, becomes less dangerous at 6pm in Giraffe?

Lakie I was referring to family intervening not strangers as mentioned in previous posters comments. I might not have made that clear.

I appreciate I'm in the minority here, but I suspect there are people reading this who also have anxiety who now feel a little bit more anxious about taking their kids out in restaurants for fear of being judged.

If they're anything like the parents in the OP, then of course they're going to be judged - anxiety or not.

If they're not and they look after their kids, they'll have nothing to worry about I'm sure.

It depends for me. If the parents are aware that the behaviour is inappropriate and trying to address it, I’ll offer to help - whether they are family or not. We’re on holiday at the moment and I’m happy to have a second eight month old (alongside DD) so her mum can grab a coffee from the buffet. If the parents are head in sand types, I’d either say something or leave.

essential that's exactly what I mean!

The MIL tried to help, the mother put Peppa on trying to entertain them (appreciate that's another can of worms on MN). So maybe they were trying who know?

But if that didn't work I'd have taken the approach you suggested, say something or leave.

I do not condone the behaviour of the kids but family should support family. I don't agree with the whole approach of 'why should she help out' because that's what family does.

This is what I think. I can't imagine doing nothing while my niece and nephew disrupted everyone. Not my responsibility but I still would have tried to distract the little one from banging toys with something else.

YANBU. My 2 year old niece knows how to behave in restaurants as she was brought up properly. She is a real character in children's environments/at home so she's hardly a Stepford child. Just knows appropriate behaviour in certain places. It is a shame that she seems to be in the minority.

Seems the OP has done a runner ... leaving everyone here to chat amongst themselves ... not one more post from her but 3 pages from others ...

I can't imagine many people would welcome an offer of help, tbh

But this is nieces/nephews. All the kids in our family are grown up now (youngest is 16) but we all used to help each other keep the kids amused, sometimes do a colouring with them, take them for a little stroll, chat to them make up silly games with them. It isn't difficult with smart phones to keep kids amused for a few hours.

I've always eaten out with DS. When he was a young baby it was straightforward. When he was a mobile baby it was much harder as he was too young to understand that it wasn't ok to crawl/toddle wherever he wanted, so I opted for places with outdoor seating where he could stay in his buggy to eat. We'd normally have street food like burritos, or noodles at that point. From around 20 months we'd go for a more 'interesting' experience like mezzes, tapas, conveyer belt sushi, etc. As the variety of dishes and constant changing of little plates with different things kept him entertained. There are a number of Asian fusion places near us that have ice-cream machines where you can fill your own cone, so as he got older the promise of that was enough to have him sit nicely through starters and mains.

He's never been allowed to wander around any restaurant, use a phone at the table or play with noisy toys. And that goes for places like McDonalds too. They only exception is if we are in a place that specifically has a children's play area. There aren't a huge amount of those near us but we visit them on holidays and sometimes on boring days I drive out to the nearest motorway service station and he can tear about on the climbing frame and slides to his heart's content. He fully understands the difference and loves eating out in any type of restaurant.

The problem is that in the last year or so, we've started eating out more and more with lots of different friends and many of them have very different expectations of behaviour. I've lost count of the times that the friend's kids have been let loose to run around, scream about their food, crawl under other people's tables, annoy staff, etc. And at 4 last year and 5 now, it's really, really hard for DS to understand why his friends are allowed to do what they like while he has to sit and behave. I've had to completely stop meeting the vast majority of my friends to eat out as it's a total nightmare.

It makes me feel like I'm being an unreasonably strict hardass of a mother which is the exact opposite of how I parent. I'm a full on attachment parenting, gentle disciplining, never punishing, child-led mother who almost never says 'no' and is always up for a bout of rollerskating around the livingroom. But the deal with respectful parenting means teaching respect for surroundings and respect for the people around us. Everyone in a restaurant, customers and staff, deserve to enjoy their meal and work environment and that means acting differently to how we might act at home. We think about other people and factor them into our behaviour, if DS still enjoys eating out with all that in mind, then we do. If he's not up for it, because sometimes at 5, it's too hard to be that disciplined some days, then we go home or have a picnic.

We used to take our kids out and in the evening too. We had a family saying, "Restaurant manners," and got them to understand that this meant being good, not loud, not running round. We took little games and colouring, made sure we talked to them and kept them interested - and at that age, we kept it quick. Children that age can do it, but it takes adult input.

I have a 5yo and a 3yo. They have been to restaurants since days old. They know if they want the ice cream that comes with the menu, they need to behave. They are not allowed to leave the table and if they have been noisy, we have cut the meal short. I've turned into one of these parents with the kids tablet at the table, which I said I would not do... But meals out are the only luxury we get and I rather my kids are watching cartoons quietly whilst they eat, than disturbing everyone in the place. Thus approach is 90% successful, the other 10% of times we end up leaving quickly or taking the misbehaving kid out for a stern chat.

I do admit that once you have children your levels of noise-awareness drop dramatically. I remember being childless and hearing every single noise that came from a family table... Now I don't think I am as aware of noise unless there's screaming involved

Gromance, is that 2 yr old an only child so far? My 2 yr old would behave a LOT better when out if we were all able to focus on her and her siblings weren’t also slipping up around her. It’s very easy to judge but the situation is often very different.