To be embarrassed by BIL and SILs kids in restaurant

[LittleMermaidRose]

We were out for a family dinner last night, in laws brought their two kids age 5 and 2.

Oh my goodness it was dreadful! Youngest kid was hammering her toys off the table, lots of screaming. Oldest running around the restaurant, shouting, demanding to watch Peppa Pig, which she was eventually allowed to watch (very loudly) on her mother's phone.

That's the only time they acknowledged their kids. MIL tried her best to swap 2yo's toys for a soft book, parents just drank their wine.

FIL left early! I think he had had enough.

I know kids make noise & they were probably a bit bored, but it's the fact that the parents thought it was ok to disrupt the whole restaurant.

People were staring at us, it was so embarrassing.
I didn't feel it was my place to say something to them and I have anxiety so I found the whole situation really difficult.

My stress levels do heighten due to my anxiety, so perhaps I'm overreacting.

AIBU???

I'd have told them off myself

Yanbu . My youngest has autism and he would probably behave in a similar way (though not as bad). This is why we don't take him to restaurants.

My friends kids are like this, they once started screaming in a restaurant at full blast and giggling (it was a competition to see who could scream loudest.)

She looked at them fondly and said “they make my heart melt.”

All you can’t with kids like this.

They aren’t used to it so they don’t respond to it.

Most of my friends do this with their little ones, usually accompanied by the ‘kids will be kids, we’re all in this together’ eye roll. It’s just lazy parenting. However, I never say anything beyond the ‘oh, she seems bored’ with a sympathetic smile. I hate myself for it, but I love my friends and wouldn’t want to criticise their parenting which would definitely upset them. One also used the ‘gentle parenting’ thing saying she wants her children to question everything, like really? I thought I’d raise mine as robots.

Ah come on. Giraffe is not where you go for a civilised meal. It's basically a ghetto for parents where they don't have to curl up into a ball of tension when their toddler bangs something on the table.

Children aren't adults and shouldn't be expected to behave like them.

No-one's saying they should! But look at the behaviour OP has outlined: screaming, hammering on the table, running around and watching Peppa Pig, loud.

DSS was a little shit when he was young and I can recall many a time when we would take it in turns to go outside with him and eat in shifts. By the time he was 5, he behaved nicely in restaurants and pubs, and his daughter ate nicely without kicking off at 2.5.

Mind you, they both love their food, which helps.

YANBU.

My kids eat at reaturaunt frequently and sometimes they just have one on them and refuse to behave. When this happens DH and I are always on the case trying to calm them down etc and if they continue to misbehave we will leave.

Kids will be kids at the end of the day but it's up to the parents to manage their behaviour and sounds as though they were doing none of that.

I'd have been embarrassed by BIL and SIL, not by their offspring. If you take children that age out to that kind of setting, then you accept that at least one of you will be working flat out all evening, but discreetly enough not to disturb the company, to keep them quiet and entertained. I travelled a lot with mine when they were that age, I got very used to it, it's hard work but you either do it or don't go.

@tawdrylocalbrouhaha in fact i’m genuinely interested, to help me understand my friends better- when your kids are doing that, what are you thinking? Let them be kids? They’re just having fun? People are uptight? Yum pizza? Go to a happy place? God I hope they stop?

JingsMahBucket maybe, maybe not.

I personally don't like kids misbehaving in restaurants but I think the view of don't judge until you've walked a mile in their shoes is a good one.

The parents could be worn out, exhausted from lack of sleep if the youngest isnt sleeping well. Perhaps their marriage is on the rocks and they're going through hell at the moment. Perhaps they didn't want to go to that restaurant but we're pressured into it. Who know? But as a family member i'd be supporting not judging. I certainly wouldn't jump on munsnet to slag them off.

@Tawdrylocalbrouhaha - Giraffe is not where you go for a civilised meal.

You don't expect silence and immaculate behaviour in somewhere like giraffe but I most certainly would expect parents to correct this type of behaviour there. Places like Giraffe are where you train your kids to behave properly in a restaurant as it's not as disruptive if they misbehave.

A pp said a 4 year old should be able to sit for a meal in a restaurant - I have a boisterous 4 year old and would really struggle with a leisurely evening meal after his bedtime. He doesn't like drawing/colouring/sticker books for more than 5 minutes. However I therefore would never take him out to a meal in the evening. If for some reason we were forced to go out in the evening with him I would make sure I had the tablet (doesn't come out often so is a novelty) and would resign myself to having to take him out for a walk while adults were finishing their meals/chatting. I wouldn't just leave him causing havoc.

YANBU - my dc couldn't sit still and be quiet in restaurants when they were that age, so basically we didn't go and waited until they were old enough to be relied upon to be more biddable

Hmmm not the children’s fault, but I don’t think yabu. My 3yo is a bit... spirited at the moment, but I would either have not taken her in the first place, found a way to have stopped her running riot or if I genuinely couldn’t get her to behave, I’d have removed her.

The only time I’ve experienced similar though, was when my ILs were totally ignoring their dcs and chucking down wine while my sister and I looked after all the children, including ILs’ baby. It turned out they were having some serious marital problems and were at the end of their respective ropes. They’re now divorced actually. If it’s out of character, maybe the parents are struggling with something?

Maybe next time meet somewhere more child friendly
....
if you were in Giraffe at 6pm then I think YABU

There is never an excuse for this sort of behaviour and hands off parenting in any restaurant, at any time.
.....
You seem to have a problem with small children OP
Any reasonable person would have a problem with this behaviour.

Mostly oh God, here we go again Anne!

My DS is far from the worst but he will tap his toys off the table, then tap the cutlery, then try to reach for the nearest large water glass, then ask if the food is going to be here soon, etc etc. When the food arrives he will wolf some down, then decide he's had enough while everyone else is just getting started on their mains. Then he will start "are we nearly finished?' Until placated with icecream. Then he will get annoyed when not permitted to lick the bowl.

I will spend the entire meal managing his behaviour, unless we are in Giraffe or Bills, in which case his efforts will be completely eclipsed by the shenanigans of every other child in the room.

I don't know any 3 year old who will sit demurely through a 3 course meal while conversing politely with the assembled company or quietly reading an improving book. I would totally give DS my phone, except that I don't want it put into Japanese again.

Wrong environment for their ages..maybe go somewhere more child orientated if they are to come with. Failing that go for a really early dinner so it's quieter and less people to bother. We save nice restaurants for when were child free

OP, YANBU

I'd have left and told the "parents" why.

I was in a buffet restaurant a few years ago where a bunch of ferals were letting their kids run riot. When the manager refused to do anything as he "didn't want to offend them", I told him he'd offended us (decent people) instead, and told him to give us money back (he did. I also complained to head office). We'd took our money and went to the McDonalds next door and enjoyed the peace and quiet.

Both Yanbu & Yabu.

Kids should have behaved better than you have described.

However you and your DH could have helped out, you are family!

It's exhausting having kids and entertaining them all the time, when we go out with family, my BIL, SIL, MIL, FIL will pay dc lots of attention to give us a break.

YANBU. Older DD's were civilised (by that I mean, colouring quietly and not running around screaming) by 2.5 - provided we were no later than 8.00pm. Youngest is still only just 2, and while she can be a bit loud in chat, she will eat nicely, not scream (or else gets taken out!) and while she may want to run around we keep her corralled and remind her to sit nicely. And do not go out past 6.00pm! Teach your kids and remove if necessary - it's not relaxing but active parenting rarely is!

We struggle in restaurants so rarely go. But yesterday I was too tired to cook and desperately needed out of the house so we went at 1pm for carvery. It is very hard work but especially for the 5yr old it’s important training for him. He rarely gets a chance to go to age appropriate restaurants as it’s too hard work and stressful with the others.

They aren’t allowed bang on the table. I try to avoid using phones unless an absolute last resort. I brought colouring and activity books which they completely ignored. They are messy eaters and use hands far more than is acceptable, we’re working on this. They get down from their seats too much but I watch them like a hawk and they only get away with it when I’ve already spent the majority of the time using every trick I’ve got to get them to stay in their seats. They are not allowed to wander where waiting staff are passing. Yesterday they went into a mezzanine area just outside the restaurant where there was nobody and I left them running around as they weren’t near any people but I’m very conscious of where they are and if other people come or if they try to put their feet on furniture I’m after them immediately.

It’s really hard work but I saw my 5 yr old eat a full roast dinner and they all had the sheer joy of a desert buffet for the first time. It was a bit fraught the 3 and 2 yr olds putting their ice cream topping on themselves and one of them spilt blue ice cream on the floor in the process but I supervised as best I could and cleaned up with the baby in my arms too.

We did talk when we got home about needing to get stricter as the 3 yr old thought it would be funny to spit a whole mouthful of water at her daddy at the table.

I’m sure we looked a hot mess but we’re getting there and we tried really hard not to disrupt anyone else, I think other than if people were constantly watching us we didn’t get in anyone’s way or make much noise. But I’m sure it would have been very easy to find at least 10 things to judge us about.

I smell a daily fail article brewing.

These types of threads make me sad.

Yes there is appropriate and inappropriate behaviour in social spaces. That's a given.

But why is it okay to sit there with a mental clipboard taking notes and judging rather than actually getting involved or helping out. Aren't we just making life a little bit more miserable for parents by silently judging than having the guts to actually say something at the time.

I'd have more respect for those people on here who said they would say something/ step in/offer help than those who look down their noses and sneer.

Oh and Peppa is not a problem - but for god's sake turn the volume down or provide ear phones!