To have told my mum to die, since she seems so adamant she will?

[WhyDoIBother59]

I'm staying with my mum for a few weeks. She can be very stressy and a martyr.
My sister is also staying, for a different reason.
She has been insisting upon cleaning up after us (to the point of blocking the doorway if one of us is trying to take our own cup to the kitchen) we're both adults with our own households and respective children so perfectly competent at cleaning and such!
She's also spent the day saying she's killing herself, going to drop dead etc, while also screaming at us if we do anything she deems messy (sprinkling crumbs on the counter even if we immediately reach for the cloth to clean it). It's been stressful and I'm looking at alternative accom.
My sister cleaned the living room earlier, vacuumed etc, while my mums back was turned. Mum tried to wrestle the vacuum off dsis as soon as she heard it being used. Mum finished the vacuuming herself and then went back to the kitchen, my mum was having another stress meltdown in the kitchen (shouting about how she's run herself ragged to the point that she can't even do x and y properly) so I went into the kitchen and said right, I'll do the dishes and put them away you sit down and have a cuppa.
Cue hysterics.
I'm telling her what to do in her own house, how dare I, she just wants the dishes done right now (I intended to) and the parting shot of "I'm going to drop dead soon, you only get one mum"

So I said "fine then. Die if that makes you happy. I've been trying to help you but that clearly upsets you, too".

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.
I give up, honestly. I'm searching for alt accomodation but I'm in the area for work and she offered. I won't accept again in future.

Aibu, and how do I deal with her until I sort something else? Nearest affordable hotel looks to not be available until Wednesday.

Yes but her mum obviously can't handle it, can she? So it is unreasonable to stay there, putting them both (OP and mum) under such stress.

Call her on it.

"Mum, you are insisting on doing everything, yet you are complaining that you are stressed and overloaded. You cannot have it both ways. We are offering to help, and yet you won't accept that offer. Why is that?"

My guess is that she's a total control freak, and that everything has to be done Her Way. My MIL is like this. She screamed at BIL at the weekend for making coffee 'too fast' and using grounds out of the wrong pot.

"Loving, supportive parents are an absolute gift. Abusive, manipulative ones can cause irreperable harm. You cannot compare the two."

This should be carved into stone above the portals of Mumsnet. If only posters listened to this advice, we'd have a lot less contrarian shitposting and a lot more sensible advice.

I have a close friend who suffers quite badly with anxiety and her behaviour manifests in a very similar way to your mum. It seems to stem from an idea in her own mind of what she feels she should do which conflicts with what she can actually cope with. She also demonstrates some compulsive tendencies too. So she loves the idea of having all her friends and their children round for a party but the reality is that she gets incredibly anxious about the mess and all of the people tramping through her house. And if you offer to help she gets very offended. I think she realizes that everyone sees she’s not coping with the situation and is very embarrassed!!

It’s so difficult because she keeps putting herself through these situations and if anyone tries to suggest she scales down the event or perhaps me or one of our friends offers to host instead she gets very upset!!

I’m not sure what the answer is but despite those telling you that you’re horrible and vile I can understand why you’ve snapped and I really do think it’s a mental health problem.

Yes but her mum obviously can't handle it, can she? So it is unreasonable to stay there, putting them both (OP and mum) under such stress.

And OP has been looking for somewhere else to stay. Give her a chance!

My MIL is very like you describe your mum. For example, every Christmas when she hosted she would insist on doing everything, then complain she was exhausted, couldn't cope and it was all too much. Yet refused any offer of help

One year I said I would cook the meal (I love cooking) but she couldn't let it go, kept trying to take over and in the end came into the kitchen and burst into tears because she said everyone thought she was useless

She also constantly says she's 'not long for this world' - 'don't know how I keep going' and my favorite 'It's just as well I don't complain'

I've learnt to leave her to it and develop a rubber ear - also don't stay for more than 2 nights

"Mum, you are insisting on doing everything, yet you are complaining that you are stressed and overloaded. You cannot have it both ways. We are offering to help, and yet you won't accept that offer. Why is that?"

for me that would get:

"Oh now you are bullying me!"
"why are you so nasty to me?"

What a load of guilt tripping nonsense from some posters.

OP I can completely understand why you said what you did and tbh, it's likely to be a great relief when your mother does die. No one needs that amount of emotional blackmail in their life.

Cheesy brave comment but true

Cheesey,

my husband has said to me "you won't miss her when she dies" which I suppose is similar to saying it will be a relief. I'm like half a person when I'm with her and for several days afterwards.

But can I just inject a note of (limited) hope? As my mum approaches 80 and becomes more dependent on me, she has become better behaved. I think she has realised that the time for controlling me has passed. She has, on occasion, briefly expressed regret. I don't follow this up. She isn't capable of that.

I have put various positive things to her about ways in which she might have fulfilled her potential better and she has amazed me by agreeing. For instance, she has agreed that she might have been happier pursuing a career suitable for her intellect, and she has agreed that she had a total breakdown after her own mother's death and was failed by the mental health services of her time.

I can't tell you how remarkable that is coming from someone whose usual mode of operation is pure deflect-attack-deny-etc.

So just saying that there can be improvement. Not transformation. But improvement.

OP, people with ‘normal’ mothers won’t understand this, decent parents don’t behave like this, so anyone who hasnt experienced it thinks we are lying or exaggerating and simply can’t grasp how fucked up our mothers really are. Mine is a victim narcissist, every interaction she has with another human being is drama central, they will be ‘so nasty’ to her and she uses health problems as away to have a source of permanent drama and hook people in. She says she wants to die (not in a suicidal way, she rejects support and help, it’s drama and damaging me that she wants) and how there’ll be no one at her funeral, all said with a wide eyed faux innocence and theatrical sobs. I’m out.

Focusing on repairing the damage she has caused me by me trying to protect her since my infancy, we are not responsible for our parents in any way. Look on daughtersofnarcissistmothers website.

OK I totally get it ....dont beat yourself up about it

My dm used to be like this and occasionally has the odd tendency but my Dsis and I to be fair whilst we don't get along we are both arses and when we got to adulthood roll our eyes and simply say

"Either let us help or don't moan...." this is after long conversations in our late teens clearly explaining that we are not responsible for her stress and if despite us offering and helping whenever we can if she chooses to refuse it that's on her

We both dropped the rope and step away if it starts again but I totally get you're a bit stuck until you can find somewhere

She probably won't see it if you say anything , either narcissism or a certain generations expectations get in the way in some cases (not all but I know my dm used to say " it's what mum's do....we do everything for your kids " err no it's not and as a mum myself I don't need any validation from my kids that I'm overworking myself...frankly my eds and dp would ask me if I had recently lost my everloving mind lol)

If it helps keep it surface and ignore it until you go....i doubt a big sit down in close quarters as you are will be useful but try deflecting her without ignoring

" I'm running myself ragged here "..."are you? "
"Yes!!" "Ok then"
" you don't care??" " don't I?" And so on and so on

To the posters who are bringing in bereavement ...i am truly sorry for your loss and pain but it doesn't allow you to be manipulative so please stop

Everyone could die in a second doesn't mean you let people get away with being assholes

Must admit to a creeping sense of relief over time when mine died; I didn't have to live in fear of the next argument or big sulk any more. It was Over. I could get on with quietly digesting her past behaviour and dealing with it in my own time, with the help of a counsellor. Not sure I could have done it while she was still alive and opening old wounds with every visit.

contessa and others. And also to our crappy mothers and the people they could/should have been if they'd met their potential.

I try to think of her positive points. I do get glimpses of who and what she could have been.

I have had to refuse point blank to have her moving to be near us in her old age. It's very sad but, as I say, I'm half a person with her around.