To have told my mum to die, since she seems so adamant she will?

[WhyDoIBother59]

I'm staying with my mum for a few weeks. She can be very stressy and a martyr.
My sister is also staying, for a different reason.
She has been insisting upon cleaning up after us (to the point of blocking the doorway if one of us is trying to take our own cup to the kitchen) we're both adults with our own households and respective children so perfectly competent at cleaning and such!
She's also spent the day saying she's killing herself, going to drop dead etc, while also screaming at us if we do anything she deems messy (sprinkling crumbs on the counter even if we immediately reach for the cloth to clean it). It's been stressful and I'm looking at alternative accom.
My sister cleaned the living room earlier, vacuumed etc, while my mums back was turned. Mum tried to wrestle the vacuum off dsis as soon as she heard it being used. Mum finished the vacuuming herself and then went back to the kitchen, my mum was having another stress meltdown in the kitchen (shouting about how she's run herself ragged to the point that she can't even do x and y properly) so I went into the kitchen and said right, I'll do the dishes and put them away you sit down and have a cuppa.
Cue hysterics.
I'm telling her what to do in her own house, how dare I, she just wants the dishes done right now (I intended to) and the parting shot of "I'm going to drop dead soon, you only get one mum"

So I said "fine then. Die if that makes you happy. I've been trying to help you but that clearly upsets you, too".

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.
I give up, honestly. I'm searching for alt accomodation but I'm in the area for work and she offered. I won't accept again in future.

Aibu, and how do I deal with her until I sort something else? Nearest affordable hotel looks to not be available until Wednesday.

'Im going to drop dead you only get one mum'
Nah. Manipulative and intended to cause guilt in the op.

How about "I'm worried about you. You're my mum and I want you to be well. Please go to the doctor and ask them to check your heart, and tell them how worried you are. Talk to them about your nerves too." Once she engages with the GP there is the possibility that the GP will pick up on any mental health problems.

I consulted some mental health professionals over what to do about a friend who was acting strangely but who didn't see any problem with her own behaviour. This person was paranoid so a different situation but I think still relevant. The advice was to not engage in discussions over whether her concerns were justified, as your opinion would not be accepted anyway, but just to keep encouraging any opportunity to interface with health professionals (or the police) for any reason , because this gives the professionals more opportunities to pick up on the person's issues and steer them towards treatment.

Go on Airbnb site and see if there's anything available, if there aren't any hotels

To say to those few saying autism would "cause" this - ermm nope According to you non-autistic folks we have no theory of mind so how the hell would we understand how to manipulate someone by talking about our death to them? I have no idea.

My mum, for example, would always assume I was looking at her thinking she was fat and stupid as that's what she thought about her mum. I thought no such thing, I just loved her. So when she spoke about suicide I believed that's what she wanted. That's no bad thing as people should be able to talk suicide openly.

If I said to my kids I was going to die repeatedly it would be because I'd been given a terminal diagnosis. Autistic people can probably manipulate other autistic people as we can predict how autistic conversations work. But they are very different to non-autistic ones and are very rarely manipulative.

Sorry OP - my mum was like yours, and I hope this thread has helped you see it's definitely a mum thing, not a you thing. I hope you can cope until you can find somewhere else to be, and after that maybe seek counselling if you want to understand more.

I’m guessing you’ve probably asked her what she wants you to do, what would make her happy?

What was her answer?

FWIW if it were me I would just quietly come and go for a few days. Work late if you need, keep out of her way, do everything the way she wants it done so as to avoid more conflict, see what she does next.

Maybe your title is triggering, OP, and I'm sorry for the people who have suffered a recent loss, but you have all my sympathy, OP.

OP first of all I was horrified at your words to your Dm , until I read she isn't even 50. I had visions she was an elderly person.
It's a very fucked situ.
I would probably leave her to it tbh. She should not treat her family like that. If there's an accommodation issue which clearly there is, I would go home.

Ugh, poor you op. Ignore all the finger wagging, honestly. People with normal family have no concept of how it is to deal with and be the target of such dysfunctional stuff.

I suspect it might be very difficult to suddenly have a house full of adult children when you’ve got used to living alone. I would take her out for a meal, along with your sister to thank her for putting you up and then get out ASAP. It might be very difficult for her to support your sister and she is worrying that she is back home forever. Make the parameters clear, so she knows when you will be leaving. She sounds like she feels under appreciated by you both.

OP ignore all those ones telling YABU because if deaths in their family however sad you’re dealing with a martyr.

My OH’s mum is like this, last time I snapped & said I’d make sure the death certificate says “worried to death.”

It’s annoying & wearing. Just never stay there again if you can.

Daughter of a narcissist here. Unfortunately what you have said will be used against you. I understand you were defending your sister and very importantly the you as a child. To minimise future damage and to help your sister out, you are gong to have to eat humble pie unfortunately.

Ignore people questioning why you stayed in the first place is ignoring the fact that you may not have been totally aware of her behaviour. Or have blocked it out. Or not really understand it until now. It sounds as if you have had a bit of a light bulb moment.

My mother seriously stepped up her nastiness after what I said to her. I was actually sitting down trying to reason with her and it was in the context of how horrible she is to me. She interpreted my words as wishing her dead. They weren’t. She gave me a life sentence of abuse from then on.

Op she sounds like she might be bipolar or suffering from an illness I think you should contact her gp services and ask someone from there to bring her in for a chat.

I don't think she is coping well with having the pair of you in her home.
Leave.

@betterbemoreorganised
'The stressy martyr is a common problem with mothers'
YES! Why do you think this is? Have read the first page (and will now go and RTFT) and this really stands out to me. My Mother is like this and unfortunately I can feel myself going the same way at times.

@Rollawolla
Have you any experience of/with bipolar disorder?

Can I ask why is everything a mental illness?

Some people are genuinely shitty people. They may have a backstory that explains their behaviour. But having history is not a mental health issue.

OP we talk quite bluntly in my family so, when my DF tries this the response is usually "uh-huh", "in your own time" or "that's up to you".

After a few years there is no need to engage with such manipulations.

It must be very stressful for you but the reply I would have given her when she said she was going to drop down dead was "we are all going to die but I'll get you a lightweight hoover for Christmas".

Bipolar is a mood disorder ie long periods of depression and mania.
Wtf does that come up in the op?

It sounds like your mum might have some mental health issues.she sounds on the edge of cracking up...I've adult children,and my mental health is poor,I go to bed to hide ,sounds like yr mum cleans..try to see if you can get her out of the house ,and gently ask her how could you help...perhaps she would allow you to accompany her to the Drs....but do tread gently x

It sounds as though your mum is finding it really stressful having both of you staying with her.

i had a friend whose df was like that. He was wife died when friend was a baby.He was very manipulative and prone to making her guilty about everything (when I die...etc) No coincidence she married young and moved to another continent.
But it sounds like she is overly anxious. Why not sit her down and let her talk about her, what's happening in her life etc (and find an Airbnb)

I have every sympathy, OP. Some people just do like making martyrs or themselves, and I don't think it's necessarily a MH thing at all.

Once had a really major row with my dm over similar - she wanted to go to bed when the washing up wasn't done. The other 3 of us were watching something on TV, said why didn't she just go to bed, then, we'd do it all after the prog. was finished.
No, she had to go and do it herself with her martyr face on and a massive sulk-face afterwards. This sort of behaviour can be beyond infuriating.

Later in life, she would so often say she might as well take an overdose. It became an unthinking habit with her - she even said it once on a lovely sunny day when I was taking her for a short break to a lovely historic city she'd wanted to go to.
I really had to bite my tongue that day.
I don't blame you at all for snapping.

Oh dear, I sympathise. My DM is a martyr type too. She gave me the whole "I might be dead soon" thing when I said I wanted to try DD in nursery one day a week *. I said "Do you realise how manipulative you're being?", and I just ended up getting a big meltdown about how she's the least manipulative person in the world, I'm cruel and a selfish mother who shouldn't have had a child if I just want to dump her, and DM is so worried about my mental health etc. So, whilst your response obviously was far from ideal, there's very little you can say with mothers like that to avoid the meltdown. I'd second everyone who's said to cut your stay short if you can.

• I know how much Mumsnet disapproves of grandparents providing childcare but DM offered, I didn't feel I could say no, I pay her and I can't suggest changing the arrangements without being told that I'm mentally unstable and a cow. I'm not a cow, but I am a coward (as far as my DM is concerned, at least).

Have you read the thread that was started yesterday about peri menopause and menopause? It might help you understand a little.

YABVU why on earth would you wish that. From someone who has lost there mum you should make every day count. She wont be there forever so to wish her to die is awful. Shame on you op.