To have told my mum to die, since she seems so adamant she will?

[WhyDoIBother59]

I'm staying with my mum for a few weeks. She can be very stressy and a martyr.
My sister is also staying, for a different reason.
She has been insisting upon cleaning up after us (to the point of blocking the doorway if one of us is trying to take our own cup to the kitchen) we're both adults with our own households and respective children so perfectly competent at cleaning and such!
She's also spent the day saying she's killing herself, going to drop dead etc, while also screaming at us if we do anything she deems messy (sprinkling crumbs on the counter even if we immediately reach for the cloth to clean it). It's been stressful and I'm looking at alternative accom.
My sister cleaned the living room earlier, vacuumed etc, while my mums back was turned. Mum tried to wrestle the vacuum off dsis as soon as she heard it being used. Mum finished the vacuuming herself and then went back to the kitchen, my mum was having another stress meltdown in the kitchen (shouting about how she's run herself ragged to the point that she can't even do x and y properly) so I went into the kitchen and said right, I'll do the dishes and put them away you sit down and have a cuppa.
Cue hysterics.
I'm telling her what to do in her own house, how dare I, she just wants the dishes done right now (I intended to) and the parting shot of "I'm going to drop dead soon, you only get one mum"

So I said "fine then. Die if that makes you happy. I've been trying to help you but that clearly upsets you, too".

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.
I give up, honestly. I'm searching for alt accomodation but I'm in the area for work and she offered. I won't accept again in future.

Aibu, and how do I deal with her until I sort something else? Nearest affordable hotel looks to not be available until Wednesday.

10story and Flisspass

Yanbu your mum sounds like a martyr.

@Flisspaps I love your advice

Sorry for your loss, Storey. However I'm.sure op feels rotten enough.
That said though If I have to be 100% honest I can see why you did say it.
Just like I can understand op snapping. It's called the heat of the moment.

I think a lot of people can't understand what it's like to have lived your whole life with this type of carry-on. It's got nothing to do with OCD or dementia.

Just find somewhere else to stay - she is clearly very distressed by having You there, and there must be some hotel you can book, even if not very near.

As PPs have said, apologise for telling her to die and be clear that you didn't mean it, but also be clear that you are worried about her mental health and want her to seek help.

YABU, what a horrendous thing to say. Move out now, clearly it isn't working with you being there. And please find SOME respect for the woman who gave you life in the first place. Count to 10. Go for a walk. Give her some space. If I were her I would be packing your bags for you.

She sounds very unwell tbh and you sound very unsympathetic

I'm sorry OP but while ideally your parents' home should be a place you are always welcome, I honestly think it is clear your mother cannot cope with having her own daughters stay with her.

In the end of the day it is her home. What would you do if she didn't live where she did? presumably you'd figure something out for work. I think you need to do that now - airb&b, bed and breakfast, long commute, whatever. Because however bad it is for you dealing with her, I don't think it is much fun for her either and it is her home.

Gosh people are being harsh on you, you didn't 'wish her dead' you merely reflected her (overdramatic) words back at her, in the heat of the moment after much provocation.
As you have to stay there for the next couple of days, i would apologise for upsetting her, then limit your interactions with her as much as possible.

i think you might want to get some medical advice. Dementia suffers are argumentative, and diabetic symptoms often include anger when there is how blood sugar.. Your mum may always have been mad and hot headed, btu there might well be other factors. this sounds really hard for tou. Sorry this is so difficult.

Some people are being complete shits on this thread - your grief is irrelevant here, go get help somewhere else.

OP

Don't apologise. Don't explain. She was goading you into a fight. She needs her space so get out ASAP and leave her alone for a few weeks. You have my sympathies OP, my DM was the same.

"That's your choice" is a useful line to throw back to blackmail and guilt tripping. It throws the emotional guilt back on them.

Martyrs like this may well have their underlying problems, but it doesn't give them the right to impose emotional issues onto other people. Riddling their victim with guilt and fear doesn't solve their problems anyway.

OP didn't wish her dead out of the blue, she responded to over-dramatic emotional blackmail on the same theme. There's a big difference.

OP some people who have normal, lovely,parents will never get what it's like to have high maintenance martyrs. You don't sound evil. You're not a bitch and you're not the cunt who told her to die. You are just a daughter, at the end of her tether, dealing with what sounds like a deeply unpleasant person.

For all the arm chair psychiatrists out there, sometimes there are no mental health issues. No anxiety. No OCD. No dementia. Sometimes it's just a bitch acting like a bitch.

You say she's always been like this but you chose to stay at her house rather than fork out for a hotel.
Why did you expect it to be different feom how it's always been on this occasion?

She offered to have you stay, maybe it's more stressful than she thought it would be. I'd book into a hotel on Wednesday with your sister, till then go to work, keep any mess to a absolute minimum, dont offer to help just let her do it if that what she wants and go out in the evenings or go to bed early.

I have to poke my nose in here - my mum is hugely mentally unwell but uses it to control every single thing I and my father did. I have lost count of the times she has said: "If you go out, you'll find me swinging from the stairs" plus all the other suicide, or I might as well be dead threats. We are practically NC, only once or twice a year.

I'm not sure if I've ever said she might as well be dead - probably, but it's simply because she goes on about it SO MUCH. If you live with it year in and year out, and as OP said her mum has been doing this since she was little, you really do become almost immune to the horror of it.

find SOME respect for the woman who gave you life in the first place sorry but l feel this is also emotional blackmail. Just because it's OPs mother, that doesn't mean that they should put up with horrible behaviour. But agree, find somewhere else to stay, for your own mental health!

I think a lot of people can't understand what it's like to have lived your whole life with this type of carry-on. It's got nothing to do with OCD or dementia.

This is really the only thing that resonates, some people are (and have always been) like this.

When you grow up with this every day maybe you have a shorter fuse for putting up with it again. I know I do.

She's clearly mentally unwell. Sounds like OCD to me. While I get that this is very hard to deal with for you, your attitude is antagonistic and unhelpful. I'd be wanting to gently talk to her about her anxieties and trying to persuade her to get some help but it doesn't sound like you have a good enough relationship to have that sort of conversation.

Would your sister be able to have a more helpful conversation with her?

In the meantime, I'd suggest that you just use the house as a bed for the night, eat elsewhere, try not to do anything to trigger her anxieties and if you do, try and be reassuring and calm rather than argumentative.

My mother is completely like this. I am now sure she has ASD, as I have realised how her behaviours are triggered, and I am much more understanding.

It sounds like she needs some help. Can you get a little breather and then have a calm chat with her to find out what is wrong? Perhaps she needs to talk to a professional, as any mention of suicide, no matter how it is said, should be taken seriously, I think. I wouldn't feel too bad about what you said, it was said in a flash and if your actions afterwards say otherwise then she will know you said it in the heat of the moment. But I would definitely try to get to the bottom of what is obviously quite serious anxiety for her (and ultimately for you as a result).

Your DM doesn’t sound very well.

You’re staying in her house, if she wants things just so, then that’s the way they have to be. If you don’t like it, stay elsewhere. Presumably you grew up with her so have some inkling about how she does things?

I imagine her saying those things is incredibly mentally draining but surely you have to consider what’s going on in her head that’s making her say them?

I can’t believe you told your Mum to die. I bet that felt like a knife to her heart, poor woman.

OP "Anyone could drop dead tomorrow it doesn't give them an excuse to act like a dick"

Exactly. I actually told my dad this and he became less of an arse.

He still mutters occasionally that no one will care when he's dead but I just glare and raise my eyebrow. He knows that means "dude, your fault".