To have told my mum to die, since she seems so adamant she will?

[WhyDoIBother59]

I'm staying with my mum for a few weeks. She can be very stressy and a martyr.
My sister is also staying, for a different reason.
She has been insisting upon cleaning up after us (to the point of blocking the doorway if one of us is trying to take our own cup to the kitchen) we're both adults with our own households and respective children so perfectly competent at cleaning and such!
She's also spent the day saying she's killing herself, going to drop dead etc, while also screaming at us if we do anything she deems messy (sprinkling crumbs on the counter even if we immediately reach for the cloth to clean it). It's been stressful and I'm looking at alternative accom.
My sister cleaned the living room earlier, vacuumed etc, while my mums back was turned. Mum tried to wrestle the vacuum off dsis as soon as she heard it being used. Mum finished the vacuuming herself and then went back to the kitchen, my mum was having another stress meltdown in the kitchen (shouting about how she's run herself ragged to the point that she can't even do x and y properly) so I went into the kitchen and said right, I'll do the dishes and put them away you sit down and have a cuppa.
Cue hysterics.
I'm telling her what to do in her own house, how dare I, she just wants the dishes done right now (I intended to) and the parting shot of "I'm going to drop dead soon, you only get one mum"

So I said "fine then. Die if that makes you happy. I've been trying to help you but that clearly upsets you, too".

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.
I give up, honestly. I'm searching for alt accomodation but I'm in the area for work and she offered. I won't accept again in future.

Aibu, and how do I deal with her until I sort something else? Nearest affordable hotel looks to not be available until Wednesday.

Sounds to me like you and your sister are invading her space. It is not easy having adult children back to stay - especially if she likes things done in a particular way and it sounds like you aren't doing that. I think you need to find somewhere else to stay.

I think something along the lines of 'well I am trying to help so you don't work yourself into an early grave but you won't let me so if you die it's your own fault' is acceptable. Telling somebody to die isn't.

And I imagine on the off chance that she did die fairly soon after a comment like that guilt would be a very weight on the OP's mind.

If she's constantly stressed and on the go, worried about everything, it sounds like she's on the road to high blood pressure and stroke.

Regardless of how you feel, apologise for what you said as it was said in the heat of the moment. She won't have understood it as you meant it, it will more likely be churning around and around in her mind if she's as stressed as she appears. You sound, quite rightly, very worried about her reaction to the help you and your sister are trying to give but she sounds too stressed to hear/receive it.

She will become very ill if she continues like this and the consequences really are dreadful.

You're definitely right about finding somewhere else to stay. She clearly can't cope. She probably needs some reassurance too, even though it's hard for you to give right now. Try to leave on good terms.

If OP was 14 and lived at home being screamed at for making crumbs and emotionally blackmailed like this, it'd be deemed abusive. Why is it suddenly not because she no longer lives there?

To be clear, she doesn't threaten suicide.
Ever.
She does however, say she's going to have a heart attack or drop dead or she's so overworked her body will give out etc etc. she has never threatened suicide and the first mention of suicide would have me flapping like a headless chicken.

My sister is a little more stuck there due to her present circumstances, but should be ok to leave in a few weeks. My sister is in no place to have a calm conversation and can most likely be found crying in the garden or in her room because of this.

I have tried calm concern, any conversation is met with
"I'm fine! I'm just tired/overworked/stressed"
When I mention that I will help the conversation starts to go around in circles, whereby she insists she's fine and doesn't need help. I guess she's been like this for a long time. I just used to react differently, and as soon as I'd come back down stairs after crying for a while she'd be back to normal again and I guess I just didn't see it as a part of who she is. It's only when other posters asked if she was always like this that I had a good think about the past.

I mentioned I was here for work and she offered to put me up, sounded upset when I said I'd get a hotel but pop up on the weekends and said she missed me and would love to see me.

She doesn't have dementia. She's not even 50 yet ffs. OCD or anxiety, maybe. But I'm not even going to attempt that convo as I know how it'll go.

She doesnt want you there but wont just say it. You will go mental staying there and say allsorts.
Find a room in a shared house, anything. Just get out of there.
Nothing to do with anyone else dying. You know her. You havent said you want her to die. She sounds as if she will dramatise anything-you cant do anything right.

If she doesn't want me here why is she upset at the concept of me going? Which tbf I can handle as then I can leave and get away from the reaction. It's just one big headfuck. I can never win can I?

Is she always so dramatic/emotionally unstable?

Jeez. The whole situation sounds ridiculous. Does she want you there?

Is she menopausal and thus deserving of every sympathy and support? Two adult daughters suddenly back in her space, more worry about them. Is she working too?

If OP was 14 and lived at home being screamed at for making crumbs and emotionally blackmailed like this, it'd be deemed abusive. Why is it suddenly not because she no longer lives there?
Or, as here, posters would point out that the mother appears to be having mental health difficulties. In any case 14 year old child would experience this very differently to a fully grown adult who is staying through choice/personal convenience.

OP, it does sound hard for everyone, but the problem deeper rooted than offering to help out can fix.

I think some posters with less troublesome (to put it mildly) parents struggle to understand that it's actually bloody hard to have sympathy for your parent in situations like this, particularly if this has been going on since you were a child.

My dad was an alcoholic, I'm sure he was deeply unhappy, but quite frankly I don't give a single fuck as he utterly and completely failed me as my parent.

Obviously, OP's mum doesn't sound nearly as bad, but her attitude is not ok and is clearly very hurtful to both OP and her sibling.

I'd apologise for what I've said, reiterate the context so she hopefully understands it was just frustration speaking and tell her to her face that there's no way I'm ever staying with her again.

Hi OP, I grew up with a very similar mother. She feels out of control of some aspect(s) of her own life and so she controls me and my siblings. And she has anxiety. I find it helps enormously to think of her as being like a toddler: "any attention is better than no attention."

Are there any strategies you would use with a 2-3 year old that might work?

As to what you said, I've said the same. I find the idea of judging someone who has lived in a torture chamber for saying something so mild ridiculous. But it just goes to show - you don't know what it's like unless you've lived it. Many an hour did I spend in my room crying too....

my mother has improved as she approaches 80 in that she will now talk about herself and her problems for hours and I just have to listen and sympathise (as opposed to trying to demonstrate matyrdom).

I can understand where you are both coming from. if she has a certain way of doing things, you doing it will distress her. sounds like she has worked herself up into a frenzy and can not unwind from it.

I can never win can I?

No, OP, it sounds like you can't.

So take the easiest option you can to keep the peace. Be there as little as you can and be glad when this time's over.

If you can, notice and appreciate her when it's possible. Thank her where you can. Get her some flowers or something. Keep your head down and count off the days til you can go home!

You have a fucking choice. Find somewhere else to stay. Check yourself into a shitty hotel if need be. She has no right to be an arsehole, but what you said was fucking beyond awful.

This ^

If your Mum-is struggling and being awful to you , walk away, breathe. Don't act like an utter imbecile. You keep saying you're an adult - find some adult compassion

"If you can, notice and appreciate her when it's possible."

This is one of the few strategies that has ever had any success for me. Though 90% of the time I'd just be snarled at the 10% of getting positive attention to her was important.

For us, it only works if it's nothing to do with our relationship. "Ooh, that looks nice" or "you're really good at maths" - it has to be sincere.

seventh,

people like the OP's mum specialise in using departure-for-hotel to involve the rest of the family and stir up a bigger drama.

Almost anything the OP does will feed the drama.

This is narcissistic supply. The drama is fed by op and her ds failings in the house. Its all about the mum. They cant help-she has to do it. They cant make a mess-or she has to do it. Anything op does will be about her mother.

Could it be menopause? I only ask because it can make some women very irrational for a while (I'm 50, been through it so I'm not speculating on that one) and my own mother was like this when her menopause coincided with my late teens (I moved out to uni at 18). I was starting to strike out into my own independent life, she was struggling with menopause and all that meant and she was often fucking vile to me (not my golden-bollocked younger brother though). Histrionic, passive-aggressive martyrdom as you describe was her speciality back then. She wouldn't have accepted she was at all at fault though, any attempt at trying to talk would have just produced more martyred hysteria.

I think the only answer is to get out and give her space ASAP. Apologise for what you said (I get why you snapped, but it was harsh), tell her you love her and appreciate what she's doing for you then just lie low & bite your tongue until you can leave, Send her flowers once you've gone. Don't repeat the experience.

If you don’t have a parent whose a martyr then you’ll find it very difficult to understand.
The Martyrdom is always there but when you’re a kid, you think it’s normal, that you’re meant to feel fucking guilty and responsible for your parents happiness, well being, and life in general.
Then when they do actually get a genuine illness you’re well and truly fucked because that’s all your fault and responsibility too and they’ll milk it for the rest of their days.
Been there, my mum wears the martyr tshirt well. it’s one of the worst most destructive traits that chips away until one day you really do want to tell them to just fucking do one then.
No doubt it’s a life time of living with mother martyr that’s taken it’s toll, but you can’t tell them why because then, you fuel the fucking martyr beast all over again.

maybe she likes the idea of having you there, but can not cope with the reality. visits are different as you only stay a little while and she can probably manage until you have left to put everything back the way she likes it. mum likes me visiting but gets majorly stress when we stay. which makes me majorly stressed. ds has more autistic meltdowns, dd gets more autistic like behaviours, and I suspect that they are not the only ones with the condition...

It does sound ocd like or autism like... (I hate having visitors in the place, I can see a lot of those traits in me)

stress will make it worse for her. her anxiety and need to have everything just so will increase, and this is not good to be around for either your sister, her or you.

yes she probably needs therapy, but she may not want it as this is her way of coping with the world. Until she is ready for that then there is no point pushing for it.

I think you have to accept that she is like she is, there are things that trigger her, and those things include having you both in her house.

she might improve when it is just your sister there. she might not improve until you have both left.

just because she might be ill/have a disability/condition, does not mean that you have to put up with it. You can choose your respoinse, like moving out, or visiting for short periods only, or meeting outside her house.

also, I think that people who have not experienced this sort of behaviour have a clue as to what it does to be on the receiving end of it.

I also think that those who have recently lost someone are going to react very strongly to what you have written and that is understandable. It is not kind for other posters to have a go at them for it.

lots of people say things in the heat of the moment, when under intense stress and when grieving that they might not otherwise have said.

everyone is human, everyone fucks up now and again,

Asd/autism wouldnt cause the comments about how she was going to die. Thats manipulation.

Sounds awful OP - you have my sympathies. I suspect you saying that will just be more ammunition in her martyrdom.

You can't change her, you can't reason with her so you need to figure out a way of dealing with her as best you can without her exhausting you. Let her get on and do it all her way, and frankly ignore the 'oh I'm so tired/exhausted/put upon' crap. You can't change her.

My father spent years threatening suicide, saying how he wished he was dead. For years I spent time on the phone, tried to get him help, flew home etc etc. Finally I just got so fed up I snapped one night at 3am or 4am or whenever it was - 'please put a note on the front door so the cleaning lady isn't tramatised'. I felt awful - but he stopped. And lived another 15 years dying of natural causes.

Attention seekers are simply the worst...

This sounds like a very upsetting situation for you, op, and I sympathise. But at the same time I also feel for your mum - because I can imagine myself getting like that.

I currently have a house full of dh’s family and I’m finding it hard going. I want to be a good host and I’m a bit of a control freak, so when they take over my kitchen, fill up the dishwasher wrong and go through my cupboards looking for stuff instead of asking I get really stressed; a) because it makes me feel like I’ve failed as a host and b) because it feels like an invasion of privacy. I have to bite my tongue not to snap at them. They’ve done nothing wrong but make themselves at home and try to be helpful; the problem lies with me. I can imagine a situation where if I lost my filter due to age or whatever then I could end up lashing out like your mum.

I don’t know what the answer is.

asd does cause the comments about wanting to die.

If she has been living on her own for some time, she probably finds it really difficult to have you move back into her space again?