To have told my mum to die, since she seems so adamant she will?

[WhyDoIBother59]

I'm staying with my mum for a few weeks. She can be very stressy and a martyr.
My sister is also staying, for a different reason.
She has been insisting upon cleaning up after us (to the point of blocking the doorway if one of us is trying to take our own cup to the kitchen) we're both adults with our own households and respective children so perfectly competent at cleaning and such!
She's also spent the day saying she's killing herself, going to drop dead etc, while also screaming at us if we do anything she deems messy (sprinkling crumbs on the counter even if we immediately reach for the cloth to clean it). It's been stressful and I'm looking at alternative accom.
My sister cleaned the living room earlier, vacuumed etc, while my mums back was turned. Mum tried to wrestle the vacuum off dsis as soon as she heard it being used. Mum finished the vacuuming herself and then went back to the kitchen, my mum was having another stress meltdown in the kitchen (shouting about how she's run herself ragged to the point that she can't even do x and y properly) so I went into the kitchen and said right, I'll do the dishes and put them away you sit down and have a cuppa.
Cue hysterics.
I'm telling her what to do in her own house, how dare I, she just wants the dishes done right now (I intended to) and the parting shot of "I'm going to drop dead soon, you only get one mum"

So I said "fine then. Die if that makes you happy. I've been trying to help you but that clearly upsets you, too".

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.
I give up, honestly. I'm searching for alt accomodation but I'm in the area for work and she offered. I won't accept again in future.

Aibu, and how do I deal with her until I sort something else? Nearest affordable hotel looks to not be available until Wednesday.

So OPs mother has been armchair diagnosed with

OCD
ASD
Diabetes
Dementia
Anxiety

She couldn’t POSSIBLY just be a manipulative arse!

She could be a manipulative arse, but as this sort of behaviour seems to have been going on for decades it strikes me there could well be an underlying reason.

My mum is prone to similar behaviour; you have to stay at hers, then she gets screaming stressed and angry if you don't follow the myriad unwritten rules she has in the house, or even just by being in 'her' kitchen. My DM does have some ASD traits, but I also believe she has anxiety which she manages by keeping absolute control over her living spaces. Weirdly, she's got a bit more relaxed since DF died early last year - I can make myself a cup of tea etc. (This is my childhood home BTW, so imagine growing up in this environment).

I don't blame you, OP. You can love her and still lose your rag at this infuriating behaviour. Sadly, I don't think there's a lot you can do to change her. Assuming you want to keep contact at your usual level, just learn her triggers and don't step over the line. For me I see that as the price of admission (though would understand if you don't). You do need to GTH out ASAP though.

Of course you don't ACTUALLY want her to die. You want her to be less unhappy. When we had a not dissimilar 'burning matyr' situation with my mother we took a tough line and looking back handled it dreadfully (thought the only way we could mananage or think of at the time!).
I would try to talk gently to her, stick to the facts and what is going on with her - "You seem very stressed, what's going on?", "What can I do to help", perhaps moving on to "When I stay I feel like I am in the way/causing you problems so I am thinking of staying in a hotel instead".
Remember your life away from her is, hopefully, fine, and at the end of the day, she has to take responsibility for how she acts and feels. She is creating this problem by, for some reason, trying to be perfect. It probably has deep roots and she doesn't see the harm she is doing.
We got back on good terms with my mum in the end, we all had the ride out the storm in our own ways! But it was a miserable time!!

Before my dad died I HATED the 'be grateful they're still with you' comments & I still do.

I think it devalues the relationship you had. I had an amazing dad for 7 years. I know what an incredible gift that was because I lost it. My dad became very ill & then I had a neglectful, manipulative, abusive dad for a decade or so. The last 15 years of his life he was well again and we'd worked to rebuild our relationship. He died last month but my grief does not give me the right to tell other people to tolerate poor relationships.

Loving, supportive parents are an absolute gift. Abusive, manipulative ones can cause irreperable harm. You cannot compare the two.

The people laying the guilt trips on OP are being just as manipulative as her mother. Perhaps you should look at yourselves in the mirror.

Some of us can imagine stuff even if we haven't experienced it, we can use our intelligence.

Huge sympathies OP, it was just words said in the heat of the moment, perhaps, hopefully, it will make her have a rethink when she calms down.

If you're there for work-surely you aren't seeing that much of her?

She does sound difficult, but it seems that both you & your sister have no qualms about staying there when it suits.

Surely you offer to do stuff, if she says no, let her get on & then ignore her comments.

I do think that what you said is awful-perhaps you shpuldn't have taken the work!

Oh dear, I do see why you ended up snapping, OP. My own mother was a similar martyr when we were teenagers - constantly moaning about how exhausted she was and how we were all killing her, lazy sods, making her ill... Yet wouldn't allow us to actually do anything to help! She'd grab the hoover and duster from us and yell that we didn't do it right, then go back to moaning again. V v frustrating.

Maybe a nice calm chat when everyone's calmed down - apologise and explain you're just trying to look after her but she won't relax and let you.

You need to get out of there.

1. You said no affordable hotels are available right now. As PP said try Airbnb.

1. Go to the house only to sleep, shower and change before she gets up. Tell her you need to leave early and will be back late. Book in a 30 min slot to have a cup of tea with her (bring your own drink in a bottle and snack). Spend the day when you are not working in town, in the park, Asda just not in her house.

1. How far are you willing to drive/bus. Could you find accommodation up to one hour away?

Is anyone else having one of those "if only mumsnet had existed when I was 20" reactions?

My life has been defined by my mother's behaviour. I was in my 40s before I could begin to process it and my brother and I are still working it out now.

to all the posters above - I am finding the comments really wise and helpful (apart from the odd dickhead).

I'm still laughing at the "just go to a hotel" comments.

My mother has followed me half away across fucking Dorset when I tried to do that.

I refused to have a mobile phone until the Millenium because of her.

She's a fucking witch but I still do my duty to her.

Honestly? It sounds like she suffers from anxiety and OCD. Does she have any diagnosed MH issues? I would suggest you talk to her gently.
I say this because she sounds very similar to me - I have to clean everything myself even when others offer to do, granted not that extreme but I can relate to this.

Just for context, my mum's dead and I still don't miss all the martyrish passive aggressive bullshit she pulled

My mum died very suddenly when she was fairly young. She was lovely in many ways, but I still remember some of her hysterics over nothing and occasional nasty behaviour. Funnily enough, I was actually nice to her while she was alive. My sibling who treated her like utter shit and never had a good word to say to or about her while she was alive, now goes on as if she was a saint and as if she and the sibling were soulmates.

To all the posters banging on about how X family member died and that OP is the devil incarnate, do fuck off. It’s not that hard to comprehend that some of us have genuinely toxic family members that are manipulative and abusive. Not everyone has close loving family relationships like you may do. OP is clearly not describing a minor argument or a minor personality flaw but the actions of a manipulative, nasty woman who is a martyr. It’s not normal as a mother to constantly threaten your children with your death. That sort of relationship is tense and difficult and absolutely not normal, so your anecdotes of your loving family members are irrelevant as you probably weren’t in an abusive situation!

Honestly OP, leave as soon as you can. The short term financial savings of staying with her aren’t worth the impact on your mental well being. I think a situation like this is worth using a credit card for rent/accomodation for the time being so you can get out ASAP. Are you currently working?

Oh sorry - my point being ^^ that I agree with @lacontessa. My dead mum isn’t a saint just because she’s dead. And all the “my mum died so you have to put up with your mum being a manipulative horror” comments are completely off.

I just went off on one about my sibling and forgot to make my actual point.

Purits you do not have a clue lol

I just went off on one about my sibling and forgot to make my actual point.

I do this on MN all the time so you have my sympathy

YANBU my gran was like this her whole life with everyone.... constantly saying 'youll be sorry when I drop down dead!' about anything/everything that mildly upset her. She once followed my mum down the road and faked having a heart attack because my mum was going to do something she didnt approve of.

You know what shes still alive at 98 and in a home and hardly anyone ever goes to see her and I think theyd all be relieved if she did die tbh.... really sad situation for her but she did create it entirely herself by being ridiculously emotionally abusive for decades.

I dont know why people are having a go at the OP.

Op you only highlighted her own disgustingness back at her.
You do not threaten death at every opportunity just to get sympathy and attention... anxiety is not excuse, nothing is any excuse for treating your children in that emotionally manipulative manner.

'Go and die then' is entirely the correct response to someone who constantly tells you you are going to kill them by way of expressing displeasure with your actions. That is not okay, she cannot go around doing that.

Check out AirBnb and find somewhere else to stay. Offer to take her and your sister out for dinner to build some bridges if you want to.

I might get flamed for saying this but you say she’s not even 50 yet so must be late forties. Could it be hormone/menopause related? My Mum was hard to live with until she got HRT. It certainly sounds like she is ill rather than just an awful person, must be so wearing for you. Can you find any calm time together, maybe go out of the house for a coffee?

Loving, supportive parents are an absolute gift. Abusive, manipulative ones can cause irreperable harm. You cannot compare the two.. This.

To threaten your children with death is emotionally abusive and very, very cruel. No doubt OP was brought up on a diet of this.

WhyDoIBother59

Your Mum pushed you too far and you snapped, it happens. Maybe not the nicest thing to say to her, but she was being OTT unreasonable with her behaviour so kinda brought it on herself.

Reminds me of a line from a movie, "You know what, Mom? You know what I'm going to get you next Christmas? A big, wooden cross. So anytime you feel unappreciated for all your sacrifices, you can climb on up and nail yourself to it."

I might get flamed for saying this but you say she’s not even 50 yet so must be late forties. Could it be hormone/menopause related

This has been going on since the op was much younger so don't think it has anything to do with the menopause

Oliversmumsarmy OP suggested that her Mum had a tendency to behaviour like this sometimes as a child but seems to have got worse recently, I thought.

YABU to stay at your mum's when she clearly finds having you stay so stressful. Book yourself into a hotel.

YABU to stay at your mum's when she clearly finds having you stay so stressful.

OP is staying at her mum's request!