To have told my mum to die, since she seems so adamant she will?

[WhyDoIBother59]

I'm staying with my mum for a few weeks. She can be very stressy and a martyr.
My sister is also staying, for a different reason.
She has been insisting upon cleaning up after us (to the point of blocking the doorway if one of us is trying to take our own cup to the kitchen) we're both adults with our own households and respective children so perfectly competent at cleaning and such!
She's also spent the day saying she's killing herself, going to drop dead etc, while also screaming at us if we do anything she deems messy (sprinkling crumbs on the counter even if we immediately reach for the cloth to clean it). It's been stressful and I'm looking at alternative accom.
My sister cleaned the living room earlier, vacuumed etc, while my mums back was turned. Mum tried to wrestle the vacuum off dsis as soon as she heard it being used. Mum finished the vacuuming herself and then went back to the kitchen, my mum was having another stress meltdown in the kitchen (shouting about how she's run herself ragged to the point that she can't even do x and y properly) so I went into the kitchen and said right, I'll do the dishes and put them away you sit down and have a cuppa.
Cue hysterics.
I'm telling her what to do in her own house, how dare I, she just wants the dishes done right now (I intended to) and the parting shot of "I'm going to drop dead soon, you only get one mum"

So I said "fine then. Die if that makes you happy. I've been trying to help you but that clearly upsets you, too".

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.
I give up, honestly. I'm searching for alt accomodation but I'm in the area for work and she offered. I won't accept again in future.

Aibu, and how do I deal with her until I sort something else? Nearest affordable hotel looks to not be available until Wednesday.

The only hotels available (from tomorrow, mind, so I'd still have a day here) are £90+. I can't afford it. Even for a night or two while I wait for the cheaper local hotels (£25-£45 a night) to have space.

I'm looking at the shitty cheap hotels. I don't know where I said I was waiting for rooms at the Hilton for £40
I can accept people thinking I'm awful for saying it, fair enough.
What would you have said in the face of being told upwards of 20 times that your own mum is going to die because of you, while she refuses to let you help (to the point of blocking your way when you try)?
I'm interested to know since I'm stuck here for a couple more days. I felt bad for saying it, but I don't think I deserve to have it thrown in my face by her.

My mother was the same. My brother was the golden child and I was the one she didn't want to have and never understood.

My best friend killed himself and since that happened she used to use her own suicide as a threat whenever I upset her. I'm the end it was cancer that got her, but even then she refused to see a doctor until it had got so bad that she was dying - lived a few weeks after diagnosis and was toxic til the end.

Have you tried Air bnb?

Well what would you have done, Flisspaps?
She won't let me help her, I've tried multiple times. She won't even let me wash my own fucking cup while going off on one about how much she's doing.
What else am I supposed to do or say?
I can't help her fix the problem but she screams it at me anyway.

I'd have gladly told her to fuck off, at full volume.

But reading someone telling someone to die is a bit raw.

Probably the wrong fucking thread for me to have clicked on tonight. Perhaps apologise to your mum for saying it and you want her alive but do absolutely let her know she's being a dick. And take the advice from others which is less sweary than mine.

Really feel for you OP, she sounds very difficult and you were terribly provoked. It does sound like you'd be better off finding alternative accommodation if you can. Hope you're ok

She sounds a bit like my mum.

It really does sound as if she is hiding the fact that she cannot handle you staying there. Either of you. She's obviously very keen on her own space x

My Nan has been threatening to die for at least 20 years now. She’s now claiming she’s got 10 years left.

I think there's a better way to deal with this. Just stay true to your own values and behaviour.
Ask her, quietly, what she would like to change, is she finding it too stressful having you there and the loss of control in her own home. Does she feel she needs to look after you but hasn't got the energy.
Some people find sharing their space really difficult, and yet feel guilty if they don't help,out.
She is being stressy and over the top, but you were uncaring and treating her as someone who is a liability and as if her feelings don't matter either. It's as if none of you are communicating properly.
Sit down apologise, ask her what she would like to happen and what's wrong and how can you help. Tell her yiu are grateful for the stay but would she feel happier if yiu moved out and just saw each other by invitation.

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.

Yep

She wants to be in control of her own house and finds it too stressful with you both there.

Your mum sounds awful. YANBU. Eat out as much as you can (cheaply if money is tight, a few days of McDs and Subway won't kill you), spend as much time as you can out of the house doing other things (I mean, literally go and sit in the park and read a book/play on your phone until you absolutely have to go back), book yourself somewhere else asap and don't stay there again EVER!

When you are in the house, just don't engage. If she complains, just say 'I'm trying to help you but you are making it very hard', 'I can't talk to you when you are being like this', 'Please stop shouting or I can't talk to you' etc. If she says you only get one mum, just say 'yes, I know'. Leave it there. Don't be drawn in to whether or not you want her to die. Just say 'I can't talk to you about this because you are being unreasonable' and go to bed or whatever.

Also maybe talk to your sister and agree on a united front. Your sister must be finding it all pretty awful too.

Flisspaps she's hardly going to die just because the OP told her to though!

Without wanting to do armchair diagnosis (she says, diagnosing) it sounds like longterm untreated OCD, which by all accounts is torture.

I think you have to go somewhere else. Could you and your sister share a hotel room for a night or two?

I do get it and relate. I think telling her to die is too hurtful though as much as I'm not sure I'd have more restraint

Words like that can stay with a person for life and cut through their soul

@JaneJeffer we didn't expect my stepdad to top himself for being asked to move out, but here we are.

I can't imagine OP genuinely meant it, so why not say so now? I'm not saying she needs to let her mum's batshit behaviour go.

Is there any chance she has dementia, or OCD as a previous poster suggested? Could it be she's desperate to show she's still capable of managing well on her own and that is manifesting itself in this controlling way? I hope you get to the bottom of it.

Don't beat yourself up OP. It was harsh to say, but you didn't mean it, and she does sound like a PITA!

How did she react when you said it? Sorry of you have already said.

@Smallhorse Oh dry up.

OP, you are definitely NOT being unreasonable! I would have snapped too. My grandmother is a bit like that. She will run around doing all this stuff complaining about "Oh I'm tired." the whole damn time. But the minute you tell her to sit down she says that she'll carry on. You can't have it both ways. Either you're tired and want to stop, in which case do, no-one has asked you to run yourself ragged. Or sit down. Either way, do it quietly.

"Go die quietly. You're giving me a headache"

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I mean..... sorry IF you have already said

@fullponty really? Wow, take the holier-than-thou attitude and horrible comments and go somewhere else with it. It's not needed or necessary here.

If you remember her doing the same thing when you were a kid then obviously this has been going for some time. I wonder if she predicted that you would hide in your room and behaved so you would? Is she doing the same now.

If you're OK (and you don't say that you're not), then there is no reason to speak to your mum like that. She is older and in a much worse place than you could be; especially if she is putting you and your sister up in her home.

Act adult and look after your mum or stay away.