To have told my mum to die, since she seems so adamant she will?

[WhyDoIBother59]

I'm staying with my mum for a few weeks. She can be very stressy and a martyr.
My sister is also staying, for a different reason.
She has been insisting upon cleaning up after us (to the point of blocking the doorway if one of us is trying to take our own cup to the kitchen) we're both adults with our own households and respective children so perfectly competent at cleaning and such!
She's also spent the day saying she's killing herself, going to drop dead etc, while also screaming at us if we do anything she deems messy (sprinkling crumbs on the counter even if we immediately reach for the cloth to clean it). It's been stressful and I'm looking at alternative accom.
My sister cleaned the living room earlier, vacuumed etc, while my mums back was turned. Mum tried to wrestle the vacuum off dsis as soon as she heard it being used. Mum finished the vacuuming herself and then went back to the kitchen, my mum was having another stress meltdown in the kitchen (shouting about how she's run herself ragged to the point that she can't even do x and y properly) so I went into the kitchen and said right, I'll do the dishes and put them away you sit down and have a cuppa.
Cue hysterics.
I'm telling her what to do in her own house, how dare I, she just wants the dishes done right now (I intended to) and the parting shot of "I'm going to drop dead soon, you only get one mum"

So I said "fine then. Die if that makes you happy. I've been trying to help you but that clearly upsets you, too".

So now I'm a cunt who told her to go die.
I give up, honestly. I'm searching for alt accomodation but I'm in the area for work and she offered. I won't accept again in future.

Aibu, and how do I deal with her until I sort something else? Nearest affordable hotel looks to not be available until Wednesday.

I can really sympathise op. For those that haven't lived it the incomprehension is understandable. Friend once told me to make up with my mother as you only get one mother. I asked her how many times her mother had tried to kill her?

My own for as long as I can remember would scream and shout all day and all night about how lazy I was and how no one would help her clean up. Why I made a mess and never cleaned up after myself. The incident with the crumbs was the exact scenario.

She would attempt suicide, after trying to kill me. Usually with sleeping tablets in my food because she thought it was the only way she would get some rest and I would have to go with her because I was too young /stupid /incapable of looking after myself.
I only ate what I had prepared myself from the age of 8.
I was put into care when she was sectioned on more than one occasion.

For those that think what the op said was dreadful or worse until you have lived it you cannot know how you wouldn't be driven to do the same.

Op pps have said to try airbnb or any holiday accommodation. Anything just get out now

The thing is, even when there are medical reasons for bad behaviour, it doesn't make it any less damaging or abusive to those who suffer from it. Sometimes it just gives the person doing it an extra excuse to guilt-trip.

People just aren't nice sometimes and then they have kids. We work with them, know them, think they're horrible, but what, assume they're magically great parents because they've had children?

Minus-shame on you OP, to counteract the idiots who don't know what it's like and are projecting about themselves and their own lovely mums.

I'm sorry but all the well meaning people saying 'oh dear your poor mum sounds like she has mental health issues, perhaps talk to her / take her to the gp'...

Well yes, with a reasonable person of course this is what you'd do. However, op's mum has been like this since op's childhood - it doesn't change just like that, and it's not a magic wand to make people behaving like manipulating arseholes suddenly normal lovely people. I know this will fall on deaf ears and the intention is good, but really, trust those of us who have family like this - it's entrenched patterns of behaviour and the only way to limit the horrible effect on you of being screamed at and guilted is to detach, draw your boundaries and maintain them.

You can advise mh support, but that's often perceived as an insult and how dare you, etc etc. Again, with this kind of long term behaviour you're generally not dealing with a reasonable person.

vivanne shame on you beating someone you don't know with the stick of your own grief!

My mother died drunk and alone as she had systematically pushed every single person around her out of her life and lived it exactly how she wanted it. I celebrate that, she got what she wanted.

Op mine was a matyr growing up, i went back and handful of times once i left and visits were painful as she clearly barely tolerated the invasion of space. Get to a hotel, or go home - hope you and your sister have a good relationship and you support eachother to support your mum.

My mother has passed away and I dont judge the OP at all.

Oh the long-suffering martyr act is tiresome! I see why you snapped. But you’re staying inherhouse,she's helping you out. Lump it or go.

"People just aren't nice sometimes and then they have kids. We work with them, know them, think they're horrible, but what, assume they're magically great parents because they've had children?"

Yeah, an old friend of mine had a hideously abusive mother - she was complicit in and encouraged her husband's beating of their kids, regularly told her children she wished they'd never been born and was generally cold and emotionally abusive (heck, I was there when she criticised her daughter's appearance when she was in her wedding dress about to go down the aisle). Yet my friend said that, whenever she told anyone that she wasn't in touch with her mother, she'd always get the whole "But she's your mamma!!!! She gave you life!! She carried you in her body and gave birth to you!!! How can you not love her?".

Anything op says will be used as evidence she is cruel and a bad daughtee. People with normal parents dont make these comments. No doubt op had forgotten how toxic the environment was. She will never relax whilst living there.
My stepmum was the same, kicking me out as she couldnt cope then begging me back when i went. In the end i left permanently and can see how she now makes everything about her. I am low contact and just dont engage with the drama as it is draining and a waste of life.
Those who are horrified have never had a martyr making them responsible for everything. Its abuse imo.

You can tell who has had a martyr/manipulator in the family and who hasn't on this thread.

@andthislittlepiggywent1
I find the attitude your friend experienced infuriating to say the least. Some people simply have no idea at all

@DSHathawayGivesMeFannyGallops you can can't you

Can you really not have a guess at why she is stressed? She has two of her adult children staying with her right now. She is probably used to space and being able to do things get way. You state you are only there because hotels are too expensive, so you are using her for somewhere to sleep, you aren't even visiting her really.

I think what you said was unforgivable really.

Martyr mothers are so hard to deal with, you have my full sympathy. If you haven't lived with one you have NO IDEA what it is like.

It may or may not be due to underlying health or MH issues, it is irrelevant. OP's mother will never investigate the cause as to her, she doesn't have a problem. Her children have a problem (actually, her children are the problem).

It is unsolvable because the martyr mother will never admit there is a problem. Other than you, the child, and your behavior. Since mother is the source of all wisdom, the child internalizes from a young age that there is something wrong with themselves. And they try desperately to fix it. But it can't be done.

You can't change your martyr mother. You can only change your reactions to her.

Ride out the rest of this visit as grey rock as possible. Spend as much time out of the house as you can.

Once you leave, go LC and continue grey rock over the phone.

And if you ever go back to that area for work, don't tell her and prebook the cheap hotel. Whatever money you're saving isn't worth the grief of interacting with her.

Sorry for the novel, but you can probably tell this topic hits close to home.

I'm sorry about your mum, OP. She sounds similar to mine, though mine behaves better for me now since I didn't see her for a year and now have limited contact (unfortunately she lives with my SEN sister and nice-but-an-enabler dad).

Was your mum's childhood messed up?
I ask because my mum gets it from her own mother who was way worse - an evil bitch. She once rang our house phone to tell my mother she wished she was dead instead of my uncle, didn't realise it was 5 y/o me who picked up, and sent me hysterical as I recognised my gran's voice.

OP, I do not blame you for snapping. Living with someone like that is a constant mental strain which a lot of posters (thankfully) have no experience of. I'm sure you were kind for a very long time before that.

With my own mother I think I would try to resolve such a row as you've had by sitting at the table with her while she stared off into space in the other direction and saying (gently, kindly): "Mum, I'm sorry for what I said the other day. I find it very frustrating because on one hand you keep telling us that you're going to die due to us not helping, but on the other hand you don't let us help and get upset if we try. I'm going to have to go stay somewhere else because I can't cope with staying in a place where I'm in trouble if I do and in trouble if I don't. I don't know what behaviour would make you happy and that's sad, because I do want you to be happy and I really don't think you are."

My own mother would refuse to answer such an entreaty and I'd give up and leave the room. She'd magically be right as rain an hour later though, and never mention it again. Let's hope your DM is more emotionally open/willing to listen

My DM often pushed and pushed until I wanted to shout the same at her. People with normal caring mothers will never understand the stress of growing up with a DM who constantly criticises and undermines you throughout childhood and into adulthood. You try so hard to be the perfect DD so your DM will be nice to you and love you but years of it grinds you down so one day you snap.
OP don’t beat yourself up about this. YADNBU.

"If OP was 14 and lived at home being screamed at for making crumbs and emotionally blackmailed like this, it'd be deemed abusive. Why is it suddenly not because she no longer lives there?"

"Or, as here, posters would point out that the mother appears to be having mental health difficulties. In any case 14 year old child would experience this very differently to a fully grown adult who is staying through choice/personal convenience."

So what? It's awful when you're a teenager and awful when you are an adult. The recipient being older and a bit more robust doesn't make the behaviour better. I don't actually think a constant stream of blaming the OP for an impending heart attack while refusing to let her help is any less awful than what the OP said when she snapped.

I told my mother today that her extreme neediness was pushing everyone away. That her matyred protestations of ‘nobody loves me’ were becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. That unfortunately for her, the rest of the family subscribes to the view that you’re ultimately responsible for your own behaviour in relationships, and that no-one is going to run around making her feel good while ignoring the fact that she runs around festering drama, misunderstanding and malicious gossip.

So... welcome to the bitch daughter club, OP. Sometimes several decades of pretending someone is normal leads to A MOMENT OF TRUTH. Everyone will survive.

And yes, let Airbnb be your friend. Then invite her to tea there tomorrow if she wants to chat. I think she needs some quality time alone with her BFF, Mr Dyson-Hoover.

Oh, and then getting upset when she offers to leave! What is she supposed to do?

YABVU why on earth would you wish that. From someone who has lost there mum you should make every day count. She wont be there forever so to wish her to die is awful. Shame on you op.

What a ridiculous post. It's equivalent to someone posting "my husband is emotionally abusive and I am at the end of my tether. I'm going to divorce him." and gets the response "YABU. My husband is a total sweetie and I bet yours is too, really. You should make every day count."

she doesnt sound well-my late nan had bi polar and couldnt cope with people in her house-they feel like they have to let you stay but dont really want to

unfortunately it comes out as abusive

So OPs mother has been armchair diagnosed with

OCD
ASD
Diabetes
Dementia
Anxiety

She couldn’t POSSIBLY just be a manipulative arse!

I don’t think your should have told her to die though. I think you’ll regret that in time.

There's always one, isn't there? "at least you've got a mum/MIL, mine's dead". FFS.

This might be nastiness, control issues, manipulation, personality issues, emotional instability

But it is NOT bipolar!

Just for context, my mum's dead and I still don't miss all the martyrish passive aggressive bullshit she pulled, or my frankly emotional abusive childhood. I miss the odd moments where she was obviously trying to be nice and interact with us kindly, but I don't miss the shitty bits. Why would you?

Loving someone does not mean that they have carte blanche to trample all over you, and responding to their abuse does not make you a bad person. It makes you human.