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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being left alone every Sunday

257 replies

acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 14:47

DH cycles, every fucking Sunday. Leaves at 8 and arrives back between 2 and 4. Dcs are older teens with lives. My friends understandably spend Sunday’s with their family. I’m bored. I’m quite capable of entertaining myself and regularly do without a complaint, but it’s every fucking Sunday plus two evenings a week.

I’m really starting to resent it.

WIBU to ask for one Sunday a month to be cycle free?

OP posts:
swingofthings · 20/05/2018 18:16

But that’s rather irrelevant to the thread
Yes, this is more in relation to the notion of compromise.

There are many factors to also consider as to whether he is being unreasonable or not. If they used to spend every Sundays together and he suddenly took up cycling out of the blues and now refused to spend even one occasional sunday together, then yes, however passionate he has become, it would be unreasonable.

However, if say OP used to go away to see her parents every Saturdays whilst her OH looked after the children, which he was fine with, but now she resents that he has his time every Sunday, that would make her totally unreasonable.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 18:16

Not sure why it double posted!

WheelyCote · 20/05/2018 18:20

I don't get the cycling passion.

It seems to becoming more and more common.

My XH played cricket and ice hockey. It meant 3/4 nights a week training and then a sat/sun or both. Selfish man.

MirriVan · 20/05/2018 18:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shampaincharly · 20/05/2018 18:23

Not had time to RTWT , but I could have written your 1st line.
I am on Mumsnet!

Puttingthefootdown · 20/05/2018 18:24

ha ha, wonder if you are the wife of one of my OH's cyclist friends! He tells me that some of them have wives who really give them a hard time and they feel quite resentful about it.

Well done to you! Bitch about the wives who get left behind and not considered. That's the way to go 👏
Maybe their OH's just need to spend more quality time with their wives and they wouldn't be so resentful 🤔 But sorry no, they can only put that much interest into their hobbies.
Some people honestly!

Somersetlady · 20/05/2018 18:26

Sure boozy lunches and walks on the beach can be done on saturdays?

LittleMissMarker · 20/05/2018 18:36

He has suggested I paint the garden fence to fill my time.

Have you considered "well, that's an idea, but actually I was considering spending Sundays and two evenings a week having an affair, would that be OK with you?"

And I don't mean to be rude but your DH sounds most terribly boring. You might tell him that too.

Mary1935 · 20/05/2018 18:39

Hi OP - I think he's quite selfish actually. It's not helpful but how would he feel if you did a hobby every Saturday? Do you actually want to see his parents every Saturday yourself. It all seems to work around him - he's got a good deal. You are compromising - see some friends on a Saturday - leave him on his own - see how he likes it.
Yes it's good to have hobbies but surely your relationship comes first.
YANBU.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/05/2018 19:03

With my own lovely chap... We both have separate hobbies... I'm completely OK with his vanishing into it some evenings and the odd weekend... Same with my hobbies....

My dad was a different league of utter selfishness.... In fact several school pals thought we were a single parent family as he was never there, ever, when they visited (usual teenage living in each others pockets!).

Sorry can't say which hobbies, too outing... Think water, pools, ... And he taught /coached and judged at national/International competitions......

Ultimately he lost out too.... He hardly knows anything about me... Suddenly discovered me (I'm actually quite nice to be around...) when I was almost 40...adter mum died.

doctorboo · 20/05/2018 19:32

Hope your chat with your dh goes ok OP

I personally wouldn't be able to have a bike or hobby related conversation with mine outside of the house. Being in public wouldn't change the response.

My DH loves cycling, but now wants to start kayaking again, on top on the cycling. I dread having to discuss what this mean for me and the children (2,4 and 6yrs.) at the weekends and evenings.

I personally didn't get married to have very little time together and to have to barter for quality time either. When my boys are older I know I'll have to entertain myself as DH is happy to do his hobbies alone. It's crept up, it wasn't always like this; but things, and priorities, have shifted in the last 10 years.

givemesteel · 20/05/2018 19:32

Your dh sounds very dull OP, was he into cycling when you met? I'm not sure I'd want to stay married to someone who spent that much time on a hobby of they weren't willing to cut back in the way that some have sensibly suggested.

Agree, his chores and visits to his parents should be done on Sunday afternoon after his bike ride and Saturday becomes your fun day together.

Allthewaves · 20/05/2018 19:36

Ask him to go out at 6 and be back for 12? Then he can shower and you can go nour for lunch etc.

Teeniemiff · 20/05/2018 19:43

My husband does this.. but with football. 1-2 nights per week & every Sunday. When there’s a game he’s out about 9am-6/7pm (last Sunday he was out 8.30am-11pm as was in Newquay for a game). Just training he’s out about 9am-1-2pm.
We have a 1 year old & a 4 year old & he also works every other Saturday. Leaving 1 day per fortnight for us all to be together.
Starting to do my head in a bit being honest so i get where you are coming from.
I’m not bored in the slightest (very active with 2 young kids) but it’s tiring & when he’s about it’s some help. Today cooking tea I had the 1 year old crying at my feet & climbing in between my legs.
Then there’s housework & not being able to get too much done. My 1 year old is suffering terribly with teething so whilst I wanted to hang the washing up she just wanted to be carried.
I like he has a passion & also it’s exervise to help keep him healthy but still annoys me a little.

OliviaStabler · 20/05/2018 19:51

@miffytherabbit1974

Why? Because he likes to go cycling by himself for the day once a week? I don't understand how you've arrived at the conclusion.

From what the OP has said, it sounds like Sunday is their one and only day they can have quality time together. OP can tell me if I am incorrect in that conclusion.

I never said that separate hobbies and time away from each other is not good. I find couples who can't be apart rather worrying but it sound to me as if there is little quality interaction in the OP's case.

I mean this respectfully, but your comment sounds almost as though you're attempting to sew seeds of doubt in the OP's head. This doesn't feel quite right to me.

I don't care if it feels 'right' to you or not. This is AIBU. The OP posted and I have told her what I think from what she has written. He sounds like he is not willing to make time for her. If I am wrong, OP will dismiss my conclusions herself.

CoupleOfPushBacks · 20/05/2018 19:52

Fecking hell!

Op wants to spend one Sunday with her husband and everyone is telling her to get a hobby!

She doesn't want him to entertain her, op wants to spend time with the guy she loves on a Sunday!!

FrozenMargarita17 · 20/05/2018 19:56

I don't think you're asking for too much. One Sunday a month is reasonable, I think.

GrannyGrissle · 20/05/2018 19:57

Take a lover and enjoy lazy lunches and sex strolls on the beach with him?

StripesandMars · 20/05/2018 20:05

granny as long as it’s not a six hour Sunday morning ride...Blush

TheFatkinsDiet · 20/05/2018 20:11

granny as long as it’s not a six hour Sunday morning ride...

Grin “lots of elevation on fells”. Sounds um... challenging!

BlueJava · 20/05/2018 20:12

Reading your posts I wasn't sure if not spending time as a couple is the issue, or the fact that he doesn't do his fair share of chores/cleaning. If the latter then either get a cleaner or agree with him what each of you does. If you still endup alone on Sundays because you're bored without him then either:

  1. Get him to schedule couple time.
  2. Make sure you do something you really like on Sat/Sun like a hobby
  3. Take up cycling.
ForalltheSaints · 20/05/2018 20:13

If not one Sunday a month, then times such as the Sundays of Bank Holiday weekends, when a family birthday is that week, and other times that could be considered special. Not an unreasonable request.

SweetCheeks1980 · 20/05/2018 20:53

Thing is if he stays home with you and you go for walks/lunches etc aren't you going to be very aware that he'd rather be cycling?
Find something else to do. You sound needy.
My hubby goes to archery - Tues afternoon, Weds eve, Thurs eve, Friday eve and all day Sunday. I also do archery bit usually just on Sunday but I wouldn't restrict him because I know he really loves archery.

TotHappy · 20/05/2018 21:07

Ffs SweetCheeks, really?! Settle for that if you want, I suppose, but I wouldn't. Doesn't he really love you?

I really love reading. I do get a chance to do a bit most days, but not for whole evenings, hours at a time. That's just an unbalanced life. No matter how much you love something, you also have other responsibilities, and other loves. Otherwise your balance is out of whack.

I can understand if couples have completely opposing interests, it might be hard to compromise - if OPs husband really hates walks on the beach, long lunches etc then it's hard to ask him to regularly do it. But it doesn't sound like he does. So even if he would prefer to be cycling, it'd be more than worth doing a less than ideal activity, in order to spend time with her. Or so one would hope .

LivingMyBestLife · 20/05/2018 21:48

I also have a DH prone to hobby-knobbery, although not cycling in my case. But from reading MN I can see that cycling is probably in the top spot of hobbies complained about, due to the time it takes.

I don't hesitate to tell DH when he is being a hobby-knobber. It's not about finding something to do yourself, you are with someone because you want to spend time with them. That's not needy. Arranging your life around a hobby that takes up large parts of the time available to spend with your partner is selfish.