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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being left alone every Sunday

257 replies

acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 14:47

DH cycles, every fucking Sunday. Leaves at 8 and arrives back between 2 and 4. Dcs are older teens with lives. My friends understandably spend Sunday’s with their family. I’m bored. I’m quite capable of entertaining myself and regularly do without a complaint, but it’s every fucking Sunday plus two evenings a week.

I’m really starting to resent it.

WIBU to ask for one Sunday a month to be cycle free?

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 20/05/2018 16:50

A lovely thread where men have expensive RIGID hobbies.... Everything is organised around their hobbies...

I can y derstunderstand your perspective Iam given your childhood experience but it doesn’t have to be that way.

My DH makes sure that when he is home he is entirely present and there for the kids.

He’ll cycle 100 miles in the morning and then still go for a family swim/hike/cycle in the afternoon.

He never missed their sports competitions or concerts and makes sure he has time for them and me.

It took us a while to find the right balance so I totally understand where the OP is coming from but it is possible.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 16:51

Yes, Swing, the world is her oyster but just occasionally the OP would like to spend a Sunday with her dh. What's wrong with that?
If her OH is like most married cyclist, if he wasn't made to feel guilty for his passion, he wouldn't half mind giving up the occasional Sunday to spend with his lovely wife. Giving up something you really enjoy to spend it with someone who resent your passion though is not so fulfilling, once my suggestion that she works on the resentment so that it is actually him wanting to give up some Sundays to be with OH rather than because he feels obliged to do so.

Really, it needs to go both ways.

cestlavielife · 20/05/2018 16:52

Join ramblers for Sunday walks?
Get a cleaner to do the housework.

Whatsforu · 20/05/2018 16:53

Swing you are exactly the type of person we are talking about!!!! I love running and yes know all about the science of exercise!! However it doesn't turn me in to a self obsessed bore with a me me me attitude.

TheFatkinsDiet · 20/05/2018 16:53

It’s only a problem if it’s a problem if that makes sense. Dh cycles a gazillion miles a day but still has time to be dad / husband extraordinaire and the whole family has enough time away from and with each other? Fantastic! But the op isn’t in that situation I don’t think, or she wouldn’t be posting here.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 20/05/2018 16:53

IamtheDevilsAvocado's dad wins selfish hobbies. What the hell were they?!

Tinkobell · 20/05/2018 16:54

Aaah poor you! DH and I often see cyclists where we live night after night and weekends.. so much time and money invested into this hobby. We often speculate about the others halves left waiting at home and the strained marriages. My verdict is that he's really selfish. Don't what more to say! Give him an ultimatum.

WaxOnFeckOff · 20/05/2018 16:54

But the point is that the OP has stated that she does have her own things to do, however, give that she is part of a couple, she'd like to enjoy things that couples do from time to time such as go for a walk or lunch etc. Honestly it doesn't sound as if he is giving enough importance to his relationship.

I've personally never met a keen "cyclist" that I have wanted to spend more than a few minutes with, as opposed to people who happen to travel by bike who are generally fine.

MY Dh also has a hobby that takes him outside and requires an element of keeping fit for but he sorts this around the family and me. Trains in the garage either by getting up early before work or fitting it in on quiet evenings and gets up early on a weekend morning so at to be back for lunch and if we have something on then he doesn't go. Goes away occasionally for a long day or an overnight but asks if suitable and doesn't assume.

It's perfectly possible to pursue a hobby without neglecting family time or couple time.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 16:58

However it doesn't turn me in to a self obsessed bore with a me me me attitude.
Who says that what OP's OH is? What is boring to one isn't boring to another. Personally, people who are obsessed with cinema and films bore me to death, but I respect it is their passion and that they might want to dedicate a lot of time to it because it makes them feel good.

What would be interesting is to know whether OP's OH has always been like this or was before they had kids. My OH wasn't into cycling when we met, but he was quite obsessed with other sports. I knew that and it was one thing that attracted me to it, his dedication, his determination, his healthy lifestyle, so I feel I would be a bit hypocrite if I now held it against him.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 20/05/2018 16:58

My xh was the same. Except l was left with young kids. The OW is someone he met at the club

ferrier · 20/05/2018 17:01

You need to get the chores and errands off Saturday and free it up for couple stuff. Allocate the chores equally and do them whenever you want, not necessarily together - It doesn't take two to shop for example.

If dh isn't keen on that then you know where his priorities lie.

rwalker · 20/05/2018 17:04

you have 5 nights and Saturday do something then

scaryteacher · 20/05/2018 17:06

My dh has a hobby which takes over weekends, holiday time, and means that some weekends he leaves at 0600 on a Saturday and returns late on a Sunday. This has been going on for about 15 years, and still at times, drives me barmy.

He has his hobby, I have huge amounts of sewing stash in compensation .

chavtasticfirebanger · 20/05/2018 17:06

My XH did this. Note the X.
Mine too.
Just shows they don't give a shit about being with you IMO.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 17:06

My xh was the same. Except l was left with young kids
That's when I don't agree at all. Expecting to be free when the other isn't is extremely selfish, unless as a poster said above, a balance can be found and both give each other's free time at times that suits both.

For them to end up with someone else they met there is just a total kick in the teeth.

category12 · 20/05/2018 17:08

OP has already said that if the chores don't get done together on Saturday, they get left to her to do alone on Sunday. Hmm

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 17:09

Just shows they don't give a shit about being with you IMO.
Some do, some don't, like in any relationship. As said, my OH is also happy to share his hobby with me and I know he genuinely enjoys it. It is usually him who suggest doing it together. It's of course totally different for him, when he is with me, it's about the scenery and just spending time with me, not the competition!

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 17:10

OP has already said that if the chores don't get done together on Saturday, they get left to her to do alone on Sunday
Well if he's back at 4pm, that's still plenty of time to do them before the end of the week-end. I'd leave it for him!

miffytherabbit1974 · 20/05/2018 17:11

I can see you view on this, but I'm always a bit wary of people who say they are bored. Your husband spending time with you isn't quite the same thing as him being your Entertainments Manager.

chavtasticfirebanger · 20/05/2018 17:11

Are you the potholer?

birdonawire1 · 20/05/2018 17:12

My ex husband would spend every Saturday fishing or clay pigeon shooting and every Sunday afternoon flying model aeroplanes. I totally agree with you OP, it’s not on.

Is there a man friend you can spend the afternoon with? Maybe that will make your DH sit up and take notice as you appear to have become part of the furnishings.

OlennasWimple · 20/05/2018 17:16

You're NBU to want to spend time with your DH - presumably one of the reasons you married him is that you like spending time with him? And no, one Sunday a month is not excessive at all

category12 · 20/05/2018 17:17

Right so he comes back from 6-8 hours cycling and does housework? Sounds likely. Hmm

miffytherabbit1974 · 20/05/2018 17:23

@OliviaStabler

"Sounds like he doesn't want to spend time with you..."

Why? Because he likes to go cycling by himself for the day once a week? I don't understand how you've arrived at the conclusion.

Many relationships thrive on space and privacy being respected. All relationships are different, I see that. But my partner of nine regularly does things by himself, as do I. I wouldn't dream of complaining about his own pursuits and he wouldn't dream of complaining about mine. We meet in the middle. "Me time" is often a good thing - you appreciate the other even more when you are back in each other's company.

I mean this respectfully, but your comment sounds almost as though you're attempting to sew seeds of doubt in the OP's head. This doesn't feel quite right to me. Of course she has a right to feel the current arrangement doesn't work for her, but his Sunday cycling in no way indicates that he doesn't want to spend time with the OP.

CandleWithHair · 20/05/2018 17:23

Ugh, I loathe MAMILs. Sympathies OP, hope you manage to get through his thick skull (and cycling helmet)