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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being left alone every Sunday

257 replies

acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 14:47

DH cycles, every fucking Sunday. Leaves at 8 and arrives back between 2 and 4. Dcs are older teens with lives. My friends understandably spend Sunday’s with their family. I’m bored. I’m quite capable of entertaining myself and regularly do without a complaint, but it’s every fucking Sunday plus two evenings a week.

I’m really starting to resent it.

WIBU to ask for one Sunday a month to be cycle free?

OP posts:
NapQueen · 20/05/2018 17:24

Chores sunday afternoon. Do something you want to do for you Sunday. Spend saturdays in boozy pubs.

notamorningperson27 · 20/05/2018 17:28

How far are you from the coast or other places you'd like to go? Could he get up early and cycle there? And then you drive over at a more sensible time and meet him there for lunch and an afternoon together? Then drive home together with the bike on the car?

We sometimes make cycling fit with family time if he cycles there and/or back, but we meet up and have time together.

Huskylover1 · 20/05/2018 17:30

The endorphins that are released from knowing that you've beaten your record is nothing like anything else I know

Your DH really needs to up his game, in the bedroom.

I could not be with anyone, who was this obsessed about anything. You can't even go out or drink, on a Saturday night. Ridiculous! And, when the kids leave home, there'll be no spontaneous weekends away, then either? Fuck that.

Sorry, but these men sounds so boring & self obsessed.

Tbh, whenever I see a MAMIL, I literally roll my eyes.

NapQueen · 20/05/2018 17:30

Tbh once my dc are self sufficieny teens I look forward to doing whatever the feck I like on a weekend and taking one day where I only have to think about myself is long deserved after decades of child rearing and "family time". Dh is a grown man so am sure can find something to do with his time for 1 day a week.

NotARegularPenguin · 20/05/2018 17:30

Dh does this but both days every weekend. Plus week evenings. He refuses to attend any family days out or events.

Dd is an older teen now and I've now got my own interests. But I'm so mad with dh for how he's treated me for 15 years. Funnily enough he's jealous of how much time I spend with a male friend at the gym.

BellyBean · 20/05/2018 17:31

YANBU I think once a month is totally reasonable. You're not asking him to to give up his hobby, just compromise a little.

notamorningperson27 · 20/05/2018 17:33

We just had a night away together at the coast. DH left after lunch on the bike for the 80 mile ride home, I had a look round the shops by myself and drove home. Have now had an hour to myself and he has just arrived home.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 17:36

Your DH really needs to up his game, in the bedroom
:) :) That works too but the more the better!

I could not be with anyone, who was this obsessed about anything.
And that's your right, but OP has married someone who is. Why should he change because it doesn't suit her?

You can't even go out or drink, on a Saturday night.
Oh no, what a tragedy!!! Ha ha, I often say that you get the same pleasure from a nice cycle ride than you do after a few beers. The difference is that the first one keeps you fitter, the other doesn't.

Each to their own, I personally find going out drinking on Saturday evening the most boring and tedious thing to do, and all it does is make you feel sluggish in the morning. I much rather go out and enjoy the beauty of nature that surrounds us, but again, each to their own. Thankfully OH and I are on the same wavelength. I would never have got with him if his life revolve around going out to drink at the pub every Saturday evening (and add football and I would have picked remaining celibate for the rest of my life!).

cardibach · 20/05/2018 17:39

BakedBeans mine is in a bike club so you really need to do the route/timings they’re doing Why? What happens if you don’t?
My BiL cycles with a club but only goes when he wants to. It’s not a paramilitary organisation!

cardibach · 20/05/2018 17:39

Italic fail

IncyWincyMouseRat · 20/05/2018 17:44

Can’t he go out at 5/6 and come home by lunchtime? My DP cycles a lot but it has to fit around our lives not vice versa!

LionAllMessy · 20/05/2018 17:49

Thanks Jenny I have told him but maybe not in a way that he sees how it’s upsetting me. I think another sit down is in order

I think this is the key point here, OP. Everyone else can think whatever they like, but really, if you're unhappy about something in your relationship, then you need to talk seriously to your partner about it. That's just logical. If he cares about how you feel, he will suggest/be open to some sort of change or compromise. If he doesn't, well then you have a bigger problem on your hands, and that too will require communication with your partner.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 20/05/2018 17:54

As Bananarama wisely said

It ain't what you do it's the way that you do it

I think this applies to many things in marriage.

It's not the cycling, or the golf, or the triathlon training, it's the way they treat you generally.

The hobbies start to grate if they're generally taking the piss in other ways.

TheFatkinsDiet · 20/05/2018 17:57

Agreed ivegotbills.

MumofBoysx2 · 20/05/2018 18:01

Why not cycle with him?

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 18:03

Compromises like these are difficult though. Say OP worked PT with her OH working FT. OP loves working PT, but OH misses the money they would get if she worked FT. It makes her OP unhappy that they have less money to do things together so he has a talk to OP and say that really she needs to up her hours as a compromise. Would it be excepted that OP agrees to it as a compromise just to please her OH?

No views one way or the other, just that asking a partner to give up on something that makes them happy just to please the other is hard.

I personally found it easier to make the best of the situation. I do use the time OH is away cycling (and doing other things) to do things that makes me happy so there is no resentment that he is having fun when I'm not, and then we arrange time together to enjoy ourselves. Quite often, I am busy when he is free and that's something that he accepts. It is a fact that we do spend more time together in the winter, but as we are both very busy and never bored, we value quality over quantity.

TheFatkinsDiet · 20/05/2018 18:03

Or should that be @bananarama agreed...

mum

I think op already explained that she couldn’t manage the distances her husband does on Sundays. Something like 100 Miles? Did I read that or make it up?

TheFatkinsDiet · 20/05/2018 18:06

I think you hit the nail on the head earlier @swingofthings when you said that each partner should get equal opportunity for free / hobby time, so it isn’t really fair to leave someone at hone with young dcs for example while you go off and do your hobby. If someone works part time then they will probably have more free time than the full time worker unless they are caring for children or parents. So I think in those circumstances it’s actually quite reasonable to ask the pt worker to try and go ft, unless there’s a particular reason why not.

But that’s rather irrelevant to the thread.

MumofBoysx2 · 20/05/2018 18:07

Oh sorry, fairly new to this, are you supposed to read all the messages? I just answered the post.

IveGotBillsTheyreMultiplying · 20/05/2018 18:07

100 miles with lots of elevation on fells she said. So if you miss much training you can't keep up.

It's all or nothing at that level.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 18:09

No you didn't t make up but nobody has said that she needs to join him then but maybe afterwards. Saying that, does he really do 100 miles every single Sunday? Most cycling I know do about 60 to 70 miles with 100 miles every 4 or 5 rides.

Puttingthefootdown · 20/05/2018 18:09

I find it really sad when people are overly invested in hobbies they can't take one day a month out to spend with their OH you are not BU!

TheFatkinsDiet · 20/05/2018 18:09

Yes @mum. People like it when you read the whole thread or if not possible then just read the op’s posts Smile.

museumum · 20/05/2018 18:11

My dh mountain bikes roughly 8-2 most Sundays. I do something with ds. He then cooks a roast for us.
He might not drink in a Saturday night depending on the ride plan but he certainly will accept social invitations just choose to drive.
On a Saturday morning dh does the shopping while I do a hobby.
We hang out together from midday to bedtime on Saturday and 2ish till bedtime Sunday.

It’s totally possible to have a serious cycling obsession but also not be a shit spouse.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 18:16

But that’s rather irrelevant to the thread
Yes, this is more in relation to the notion of compromise.

There are many factors to also consider as to whether he is being unreasonable or not. If they used to spend every Sundays together and he suddenly took up cycling out of the blues and now refused to spend even one occasional sunday together, then yes, however passionate he has become, it would be unreasonable.

However, if say OP used to go away to see her parents every Saturdays whilst her OH looked after the children, which he was fine with, but now she resents that he has his time every Sunday, that would make her totally unreasonable.