Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11

Original poster

To be upset at being left alone every Sunday

257 replies

acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 14:47

DH cycles, every fucking Sunday. Leaves at 8 and arrives back between 2 and 4. Dcs are older teens with lives. My friends understandably spend Sunday’s with their family. I’m bored. I’m quite capable of entertaining myself and regularly do without a complaint, but it’s every fucking Sunday plus two evenings a week.

I’m really starting to resent it.

WIBU to ask for one Sunday a month to be cycle free?

OP posts:

Thewhale2903 · 20/05/2018 23:09

Sweet cheeks I don't think OP is being meet bit possibly you might be being a bit of a pushover. Why don't you go that much aswell if you enjoy it?

Thewhale2903 · 20/05/2018 23:16

being needy

swingofthings · 21/05/2018 06:11

Doesn't he really love you?
Not everyone equates love with spending a lot of time with that person. I much rather spend less but very rewarding time with the people I love, than a lot of time with little to say. I guess in my case, it is because we don't spend much time together than when we do, it feel very special, a bit like when you first date and you so look forward to seeing each other again.

I see couples spending most of their spare time together and all they do is argue, disagree about things, or worse, spend time seating together but on each other's phone etc...

I do think OP's issue is primarily boredom as she said in her first post, and it's the fact that her OH has a great time when she is bored that breeds resentment. That's not his fault though, OP needs to find things to do that will bring her some satisfaction that doesn't rely on her OH to keep her busy.

YouTheCat · 21/05/2018 07:11

The OP has said, many times, that she has hobbies. It isn't about being bored. She isn't relying on him for entertainment. She just wants to spend some, very occasional, quality time with the man she loves. I don't see what's so odd about that. Surely, you marry someone because you enjoy their company.

Oblomov18 · 21/05/2018 07:27

Sounds fair. It is a lot of the time, that he's doing this, and that would piss me right off!

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/05/2018 07:33

You but that, whilst true, doesn't fit this posters agenda. Sometimes people can't see beyond what they are happy with and consider that there are other ways to be happy or indeed be unhappy.

It's not OPs DH responsibility to be her entertainment coordinator but surely he should have some investment in her happiness or otherwise if he wishes to remain married. The OPs request is entirely reasonable.

livingontheedgeee · 21/05/2018 08:16

Must be really frustrating for you especially if it takes up practically the whole day. Perhaps he can compromise and be home by lunchtime so you can do something together like have a pub lunch or take a trip somewhere.

If he is concerned at all that you're feeling resentful then he'll do something about it.

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 21/05/2018 08:19

I think YABU - it's not unreasonable for your husband to have a hobby and he's back by the afternoon anyway! Why don't you get your own hobby or just enjoy the time you have to yourself.

TheFatkinsDiet · 21/05/2018 08:19

There are some people who will support men whatever they do tbh. “Why should he change what he likes doing just for you?” blah blah. But then “why don’t you just go with him?” . Yes, be a good wifey now, do what hubby liked doing whether you like it or not. If you’re lucky he might not slag you off to his mates then. Vomit.

KERALA1 · 21/05/2018 08:23

It's all about balance and this isn't working for you. I would ask for the long rides EOW only.

dh commutes via bike so cycles 4 days a week anyway. He gets up at 6am Saturday for his big ride back by 12 when dc finished their activities. Means I have to do all Saturday ferrying but I work flexibly so have time to myself in the week he doesn't. He does loads of chores and has insisted on team of cleaners every Friday. Working for us now as I feel it's fair and he gets to cycle.

Halsall · 21/05/2018 08:25

OP needs to find things to do that will bring her some satisfaction that doesn't rely on her OH to keep her busy

With respect, perhaps OP can be allowed to decide for herself that actually, she'd quite like to spend one measly Sunday with her husband occasionally. You know, her life partner. Funnily enough - although you'd never believe it, given many of the astonishing responses on this thread - some people do sometimes want to be with the person they married.

OP you now know that you're selfish, needy, should be 'doing your hobby' or 'having a pampering spa day' and demonstrating to all and sundry that you're not putting ANY pressure on your poor spouse, who otherwise might suffer the terrible humiliation of having a wife who 'gives him a hard time'.

FWIW I agree that you are NBU in the slightest, but I see I'm in a tiny minority here.

KERALA1 · 21/05/2018 08:25

And for every lads weekend cycling I have a weekend with my friends. I like it as I can waltz off guilt free...

slowlywiltingpetal · 21/05/2018 08:28

My ex had stuff on every day, another ex had a pregnancy regimented social schedule, they dropped one activity. But the first had stuff most days, then at weekends they'd work one day, occasionally having tournaments the next day.

As I was young, I was under the impression this was the done thing.

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask for 1 Sunday off. It depends if they're training for an event, then they'd need to do the cycling. If not then would it be a day you had as a couple?

He might say why not Saturday's?

It might seem like little relevance, but if you don't work, he might say I need time to unwind and it's the one day I get to myself. A bit like years ago when Mummy Me Time became a thing.

I don't see why 1 Sunday a month should be an issue though.

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/05/2018 08:31

People keep saying he could go early in the morning and be back by lunch which is a good compromise, but it's unlikely to suit the DH as I think he cycles with a group. So they either all need to agree or he has to cut his route short which may not always be possble or practical if it's a circuit and may not be local either.

I think the OPs suggestion of one Sunday a Month when he doesn't go is reasonable (more than reasonable imo). If they don't have any full day plans on that day then I'm sure she wouldn't object to him doing an early morning training run and being back in good time for a shower/change and lunch out etc.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2018 08:31

I'm a bit bemused by this. My husband plays golf every Saturday. It's genuinely never occurred to me to ask him not to. He likes it, he enjoys it, I'm a big girl, I do things on my own, and we do stuff when he gets back.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/05/2018 08:40

It's the balance isn't it??
If OH /you are working weekends... Then presumably they have other time off...
If it's work, presumably there is little choice over when they work...some folk like working weekends as they can have time off together during week when less people around.

Hobbies though? It's not having a balance... Of prioritising their hobbies in a RIGID way over large parts of the week.... And also these hobbies that also spill into the time they ARE at home...

With my dad.... The few times he was physically present and awake... It was not unusual for him to have several lengthy phone calls arranging next competitions /choosing teams for competitions....

Meanwhile our childhoods were racing by...

If there was a choice (which of course there was) hobbies always came first...
I can't come to this spontaneous weekend in London with the kids as I HAVE to be in Glasgow/Leeds/ etc etc and I've been booked there for 2 years... ... The sky will fall in if I ask another of the (many) judges or coaches to take my place....

He missed mum's birthdays, both us kids 18th birthdays, my graduation....

Sorry..
As you see.... It's hit a massive nerve for me!

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/05/2018 08:43

It doesn't really matter what the anyone else is happy with (and OP has already said that her DH is not back in time to do the things she would like to do with him on a Sunday). The OP is unhappy and her suggestion is entirely reasonable.

there are some things that you want to do on Sundays as they feel like "Sunday" things rather than Saturday things. Saturday feels like a busier day and a day for shopping and chores etc and Sunday is for country lunches and walks and lazy mornings with the papers etc.

It's not unreasonable to want one of those a month with your life partner.

KERALA1 · 21/05/2018 08:47

DH ditched "the group" because although he enjoyed it they left too late he felt it used up too much of the day so he has a mental early start to be back for the majority of Saturday with us. Its all about balance and agree OP DH sounds off kilter he needs to scale it back every Sunday is too much.

WaxOnFeckOff · 21/05/2018 08:53

Exactly Avocado. It's about compromise and at the moment that is all on the OPs side. Also just becasue their DC are teenagers that doesn't mean that they don't still need their Dad around as well as their Mum. He is a member of the household and it's sending a poor message to the DC that their mother and them aren't important enough.

Obviously not every household has 2 parents but if they are meant to be part of the house and they are continually absent it's poor.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 21/05/2018 11:40

The stuff I hated most.... My dad chose to not spend time with us....

Luckily cos of my mum's parenting I did OK but so easily could have not

Strugglingtodomybest · 21/05/2018 11:59

I think this is one of those occasions, like the 'how often should you have sex?' where the answer is there is no right or wrong here - some people are happy for their partners to have a day to themselves, and others aren't. The important thing is that as partners you are compatible.

OP can ask her DH to give up a Sunday a month, but he doesn't have to, and then it's up to her how she deals with it - resent him, leave him, or reconcile herself to it. But the first step is finding out his thoughts on the matter.

TorviBrightspear · 21/05/2018 15:12

I have to say I'm on the OP's side here.

The DH doesn't want to do chores during the week. So leaving them til Sunday, so that they do stuff on the Saturday, is just dumping them onto OP.

He can't really alter the time of the ride if he's going in a group.

So I see options as being
A) chores get done during the week, to free up time on Saturday.
B) chores and visits to parents done after the ride on Sunday, again to free up Saturday.
C) he gives up one day a month.

Or any combination of the above.

Of course, he is going to have to stick to any agreement. I can just see any agreement that means he's doing chores or visits on Sundays sliding away if he's not bothered, dumping it all right back on OP again.

As for the Saturday nights, he needs to be fair on this, too. I don't think it's just about going out on a Saturday, but that where specific invites have been given, he doesn't go. Which isn't nice for OP, going alone every time. And let's face it, most events take place on Saturdays.

SweetCheeks1980 · 21/05/2018 15:55

@TotHappy yes he does love me 😂😂
If he didn't go to archery then we'd both just be at home doing nothing in particular. On the Tuesday afternoon I'm at work anyway, and he goes on Thursday because my mum visits.
Whomever it was that suggested I go more often to archery - I can't because I have my children plus I don't like it if it's slightly windy, cold or rainy.

Huskylover1 · 21/05/2018 17:21

My hubby goes to archery - Tues afternoon, Weds eve, Thurs eve, Friday eve and all day Sunday. I also do archery bit usually just on Sunday but I wouldn't restrict him because I know he really loves archery

Fucking hell! He sounds like a lodger, rather than a Partner. No way would I be putting up with that shit.

Are you sure he is where he says he is?

swingofthings · 21/05/2018 17:54

The OP has said, many times, that she has hobbies. It isn't about being bored. She isn't relying on him for entertainment
Actually, she did say that she was bored in her opening post!

You know, her life partner. Funnily enough - although you'd never believe it, given many of the astonishing responses on this thread - some people do sometimes want to be with the person they married.
Except there is quite a bit of time left to spend together, but OP wants the time that he happens to be busy doing something he really enjoys, not the time he is free to give her.

I agree with you that people do sometimes want to be with the person they married, but not when they put pressure on them to give up something that means a lot to them, just because they say so. It's a vicious circle, the more OP will make such demands, the more he will rather be cycling than spending time with her.

OP hasn't said whether she's suggested doing something that they would both enjoyed together outside of the house for most of the day. If she has, and he has point blank said no way ever, than yes, of course, that's unreasonable, but if she moans at him for going but then doesn't suggest anything she'd like them to do together, then it's understandable that he opts to go.

Flip

1 2 ··· 6 7 8 9 10 11