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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being left alone every Sunday

257 replies

acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 14:47

DH cycles, every fucking Sunday. Leaves at 8 and arrives back between 2 and 4. Dcs are older teens with lives. My friends understandably spend Sunday’s with their family. I’m bored. I’m quite capable of entertaining myself and regularly do without a complaint, but it’s every fucking Sunday plus two evenings a week.

I’m really starting to resent it.

WIBU to ask for one Sunday a month to be cycle free?

OP posts:
Original poster
acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 16:19

Thanks everyone for the helpful advice. I think everything has been gone over once or twice now so I’m leaving it there.

OP posts:
AmazingPostVoices · 20/05/2018 16:19

he has strong healthy relations with male friends that don’t centre on alcohol.

GrinGrinGrin

Terrible typo!!! Relationships! Not relations. Blush

Bridechilla · 20/05/2018 16:22

I sympathise OP. It is the MOST time consuming hobby. I struggle when I hear about other couples who hang out together, try now things, go for walks... this is all a foreign concept as if he's not interested he bike, he's cleaning, building or researching it. 🙄

Our social/couple time revolves around odd evenings which normally means food and is one reason I'm such a pudding atm.

I thinknk a lot of people are struggling to grasp that you want time together that doesn't intrude on the solid routine you have for day-to-day drudgery.

I think YANBU to ask for one weekend here or there. But if he's sore about it then you may find it becomes a chore for your to organise and rally him.

Can you find an event/idea and test the waters with it rather than pitting you vs the bike, which will likely get his hackles up

odig · 20/05/2018 16:24

The problem is OP, if he agrees to spend the occasional Sunday with you, he wouldn't enjoy it. It will be fairly obvious that he would rather be elsewhere and won't you absolutely hate that? Who wants to force their partner to spend time with them?

I'm not sure you can win here.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 20/05/2018 16:24

YANBU OP. He's treating you like a flatmate. It's not unreasonable to want to spend time doing enjoyable things with your spouse.

No advice really but I'd concentrate on doing fun things by yourself or with friends on Sundays. I also wouldn't decline invitations on Saturday nights just because he doesn't want to go.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 16:25

Not all his friends make the same effort and those are the ones with the (understandably) pissed off wives.
Same with OH. He will always 'ask' before going on one of his trips, although he knows that I would not say no. I did put my foot down one year when he was planning his third in a few months and he was ok with that.

He too lets me know when he is going (because sometimes it might be the other day of the week-end is forecast is bad on his planned day :)) will always contact me if he is going to be later, text me throughout his big challenges so I know he is ok but then he knows that I won't give him a hard time if he is late.

ememem84 · 20/05/2018 16:28

Dh has a conversation with me about my hobby yesterday. I have riding lessons. I started about 4 years ago after falling off at the age of 11. I go at 12 on a Saturday and am usually home around 2

ememem84 · 20/05/2018 16:31

Ah.posted too soon.

Dh said it’s unfair that I go out on a Saturday and leave him home with ds all day. He said sometimes it’s be nice to go for lunch instead.

I disagreed about “all day” 2.5 hours max taking travel time into account.

I agree that sometimes lunch would be nice. But we have Sundays for lunch. And also if he wanted to do lunch and gave me notice (as in suggested it on Friday not Sunday morning) I could switch my lesson. If I try and cancel/switch after 6pm the day before I still have to pay.

ememem84 · 20/05/2018 16:31

Point being. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable wanting time with dh. Maybe suggest you do something next Saturday and see how it goes.

Ruffian · 20/05/2018 16:33

YABU and too rigid in your routine. Re-jig the chores schedule and make sure everyone takes their share. Allot your one-day-a-month to a Saturday.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 16:36

By the way, do you know any of the cycling group partners? Maybe you should get together if only to moan about your OH, would feel better to know you're not alone and who knows, you can take up a hobby together, even go on holiday and leave the hubbies behind with the kids!

ChocoholicsAsylum · 20/05/2018 16:36

@acornsandnuts

I am glad I didnt offend. Seriously though, stuff the chores for 1 time and have your time together. Do yous also have to visit his parents like every week? Score them out that 1 time a month :D

TheFatkinsDiet · 20/05/2018 16:36

Just to be clear, I don't go with him on his long cycles, he wants to go with his buddies, and that's absolutely fine. He suggested that if I wanted to, we could also go cycling together, so I decided to give it a try and even though I found it extremely hard at first, I got to enjoy it more and more

I think the op’s dh does his long cycle on a Sunday from what she’s said. So suggesting she goes with him on a Sunday isn’t realistic nor probably what either of them would want. Which was the point people were making before it went off on a bit of a tangent!

YouTheCat · 20/05/2018 16:37

I don't think it's the OP who is too rigid in her routine. Everything centres around her dh's routine.

I don't think one Sunday out of 4/5 is too much to ask.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 20/05/2018 16:37

Ah... A lovely thread where men have expensive RIGID hobbies.... Everything is organised around their hobbies...

Women have to fit their hobbies around their jobs/childcare/house stuff...

I was a child of a dad who had 2 obsessive sporting hobbies that took him out 3 nights a week 51 weeks a year... Think he'd be gone by the time we were home from school...

away weekends at least 2 weekends a month... He travelled the length and breadth of UK and overseas....

The short time he was home... Either asleep as he was so tired having driven back from Edinburgh to Devon in the early hours... Be quiet your dad didn't get in until 5am...hed be like a bear with sore head... Or trying to catch up on numerous DIY.....

he spent absolutely NO time with us as a family... It's jaw dropping how little thought he gave us...

My mum was essentially a single parent

It was shit...

WaxOnFeckOff · 20/05/2018 16:39

I don't think it's unreasonable at all and anything that gets another cyclist off the road can only be a good thing...

Whatsforu · 20/05/2018 16:40

I'm with you op I'm also a cycle widow. There's no other word for it than selfish b's. Yes I have hobbies, a life and even cycle. Now however I dislike everything cycling related!!! They take it to extremes.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 16:42

I don't think it's unreasonable at all and anything that gets another cyclist off the road can only be a good thing..
Or more people could get on their bikes, less traffic and a healthier population!

Nanny0gg · 20/05/2018 16:42

So two nights a week he cycles.
All day Sunday he cycles.
Saturday night he arranges the cycling. And can't go out due to early start Sunday.
1 week's annual leave he cycles.

Not sure if it's family money spent on cycling.

And the OP is unreasonable? I don't think so...

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 20/05/2018 16:43

Ah... A lovely thread where men have expensive RIGID hobbies.... Everything is organised around their hobbies...
Women have to fit their hobbies around their jobs/childcare/house stuff...

SOME women, only the ones who are happy with this kind of relationship. Some of us don't have the whole household revolving around the man but happy and equal relationships and always had (and when had flings that didn't go in that direction, they didn't last)

It really angers me when posters insist on presenting women as weak victims of domineering men in charge of the world. It's not my life, not how I raise my daughters, not how my girl friends see their life either and I am the least feminist person in the world.

Undercoverbanana · 20/05/2018 16:44

Find your own hobby. Teens don’t need you around. He doesn’t want you around.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 16:45

They take it to extremes
This is very true but that's because it's a bit like a drug. The endorphins that are released from knowing that you've beaten your record is nothing like anything else I know.

There are few keen cyclists who are depressed. That's why I decided to look up to them and follow suite rather than moan about it and yep, I've become quite obsessed with my own performance and it makes me feel great.

My only reservation is when they are children who still need looking after and it is then totally unfair to expect to be the main carer to support their hobby, but as long as you have the same freedom, the world is your oyster too.

MirriVan · 20/05/2018 16:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YouTheCat · 20/05/2018 16:48

Yes, Swing, the world is her oyster but just occasionally the OP would like to spend a Sunday with her dh. What's wrong with that?

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 16:48

Or you can look at it the other way:
So three nights a week he doesn't cycle, three nights they could spend time together doing something
All Saturday he doesn't cycle, time they can spend together
Friday evenings, he is free to go out
5 weeks out of the 6 he is entitled to (if not more) he is free to spend it with his family.

Mmmmm, so really, his cycling takes him less time away than the time he is available to spend with OP....

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