To be upset at being left alone every Sunday

[acornsandnuts]

DH cycles, every fucking Sunday. Leaves at 8 and arrives back between 2 and 4. Dcs are older teens with lives. My friends understandably spend Sunday’s with their family. I’m bored. I’m quite capable of entertaining myself and regularly do without a complaint, but it’s every fucking Sunday plus two evenings a week.

I’m really starting to resent it.

WIBU to ask for one Sunday a month to be cycle free?

Thanks Jenny I have told him but maybe not in a way that he sees how it’s upsetting me. I think another sit down is in order. Not today as he’s just come back and just needs to chill with a beer I’m going to suggest meeting for a coffee after work one day before coming home so we’re on neutral territory with no distractions and see what he says.

Sorry to upset you if I do but is he deffo doing all these cycling miles or riding the town bike?

Chocoholics if the OP’s DH is anything like mine not only is every single mile logged and mapped on Strava but he comes home desperate to tell you about every single mile, punctures, being chased by wildlife, etc etc etc

If my DH is riding alone he sets it up so that I can track his every movement just in case something goes wrong.

If your DH is a serious cyclist you can see where they have been.

What about my suggestion if going earlier OP it works really well for us?

swing thanks for reminding me!

He has a week abroad once a year cycling.

That’s another one -

• I have it so much worse than you and I’m not complaining!

Acorns - yes it does sound as though a sit down is in order. Good luck. Sometimes it can help to write it down in the form of a letter - makes it easier to express yourself and less likely to get into an argument. Might be worth considering if this is something that’s come up before and he clearly hasn’t listened to what you’re saying ?

Oh yes Strava. Plus the location of the best cake, coffee shops.

My dh goes out at 6, the earlier the better as the roads are less busy. He's back by late lunch and can do a good 7h ride. His cycle pals have families too and this works for everyone.

On balance I'm delighted dh is so fit-it means he's got energy for everything else. It benefits his mood and health and he sees his friends that way too rather than in the pub.

I tend to do my own fitness stuff too when he's out then chill with the paper. The weekend is about 36 waking hours so he's only away for 7 of them, it's not a big deal.

I think we have more fun and do more useful stuff in the week since we got fitter. Before we used to drink more and lose a lot of time to hungover slobbing. Now we do stuff we genuinely enjoy.

sometimes it is nice for couples to just spend the day or time at least doing nothing together.
if they enjoy it, I can't think of anything worst. I've never done nothing with DH.

OP it sounds like you have an uneven relationship. If you were doing 50/50 in terms of chores etc, then it would be reasonable for him to spend his Sundays cycling.
If you end up doing all the boring stuff, then it's not right, but it's a different issue.

I refuse to do any chore at the weekend, but my DH is pretty hands on when he is around but hates chores too and it works for us.

This is not an advice, just my own view on my own situation: if my DH was refusing to come with me to every single Saturday invitation - which are most dinner/ weekends away/ weddings we go too, I would let him I would go with someone else eventually.

You are expecting him to bend to fit into your lifestyle but you just said you won’t do that for him.
Does he enjoy boozy lunches?
You could do something you enjoy yourself perhaps .... some pampering/ spa etc?
If you take him away from his cycling he may go on a boozy lunch but may end up resenting you ( the way you are resenting him now )

Just because some of you have even worse partners doesn't make it OK.

"My DH works 25 hours a day and every weekend- you don't know how lucky you are!"

Totally not the point. The OP wants a few Sundays a year to spend quality time with her DH this is not unreasonable. If you accept less or want less that is your relationship issue.

She is asking for compromise which is essential in relationships and he does not want to. That's the issue.

some pampering/ spa etc

He has a right to a hobby but needs to be a bit flexible, in a lot of ways it's no different to a rugby, cricket or football hobbyist. He should start doing his chores in the week so you can spend Saturdays together, get Tesco online and his parents will have to be seen on a Sunday and he can tell them he's too busy instead and see how that goes. DH has a hobby every Sunday evening but it means he leaves about five thirty, however if we have something on or want to go somewhere he will cancel. So he probably goes 75-80% of the time, it seems your DH likes routine so one Sunday a month not cycling should be fine with him. If he's not willing to compromise doing chores midweek , giving up some Sundays or going out on Saturday night and just dealing with it Sunday morning he's being very unreasonable, you're not asking for all our even most Sundays. OP are your hobbies more flexible or do you have set evenings etc that you can't do anything other than the hobby?

swing thanks for reminding me!
Haha, I was surprised that wasn't the case!

OP take it as you want, but from experience of OH's cyclist friends, the strongest marriages are those where the wives are happy for them to go and have their own lives. Those who finds themselves 'restricted' are those who moan about their wives and don't seem very happy in their relationships.

Honestly, you are better focusing on doing something that brings you as much pleasure as cycling bring to him and arranging to do things together at other times. Like me, your children are older so it's not like you are limited with when you can spend time together at other times than when he cycles.

Why don't you do like me and suggest you go out to have a drink or some food at the pub after a walk later this evening?

I said what my hobbies were earlier on the thread.

Oh yes Strava. Plus the location of the best cake, coffee shops
At least we know where they are! Add to the pain, having to go and pick them up when they have bike issues or are injured. Last year, I had to go and pick OH up 50 miles away and then he had walk in animal shit and even wrapped in a plastic bag, it stank the car! I did have a bit of moan then, but I heard how he talked about me to his friends, full of love and gratefulness. He would do the same for me.

My God I would love this! It's usually me deserting DH but he's a pottering at home sort so he enjoys that.

OP you are quite rude. I supported your position and you've still been dismissive, sorry I haven't read every post, I've skimmed. Maybe there's a reason he'd rather cycle.

The trick is to find a compromise between you that works for you both.

Cycling is really important to my DH but he has friends whose marriages broke down in large part due to them spending so much time training for triathalons etc and so he makes sure that cycling time is always cleared with me.

His weektime evening sessions only happen if they don’t interfere with something else. Weekends too.

You are right you need to talk this through, find a compromise.

I am trying to see it from your pov but it's hard as I so desperately wanted this when I was married. Dh couldn't go out at all most of the time, too ill. I felt so much in need of exactly this that I couldn't think about it most of the time.

What does come across though is the absolute priority he puts on this, to the point of Saturday invitations being impossible because he can't presumably have a later night and then risk not doing such good times the following day. Unless he's a professional, this is a royal road to checking out of the marriage - not only his life but your life is entirely built around the bike.

I would ask him to make a consistent plan to show you that he really does put you first and care about the marriage. Leave the details to him and see what he comes up with. A weekend away once a year in a place convenient for a big cycling event and you will know he has stopped thinking about you as a priority.

I do agree that chores should be divided though. DH gets on with them after.... he's spent 1 hour checking strava and posting/responding to comments, cooked himself a meal with perfectly balanced proteins, washed his bike, washed himself, put his clothes in the washing machine, or and all this after he's just sat there half unconscious, so yeah, about 2 hours after he's come home!

Yes swings the post ride debrief lasts for hours. And the Saturday evenings glued to his phone organising routes and checking who’s going. It’s like a cult.

The risk here is that you feel that he has to give something back to you for you to be supportive of his sport and his view will be that he feels you should be supportive of his hobby for him to want to also do the things you enjoy with you.

I would focus on the times he does not cycle and try to make quality time together then rather than expecting him to give some of his cycling time to please you.

At least you can take some comfort from the fact that your OH is no different to all those keen cyclists all other the world. It really is a culture.

No you haven’t said what your hobbies are.

I get what's upsetting you, acorns. All this distraction and 'what about-ery' from other posters is just irritating.

The crux of it is that it's a priority for you to spend time with your husband at some point at the weekend. It is however, not a priority for him - and that hurts.

It's going to hurt just as much when you 'sit him down' and explain this to him because you shouldn't have to, he should want to spend the time with you too... but he doesn't.

Your priorities (his and yours) are obviously incompatible, I'm sorry.

He arrives back between 2 and 4; can't you do something together in the evening? Aren't you spending all of Saturday together too?

It’s like a cult.

It is a bit.

But there are plus sides too.

My DH is fitter in his forties than he was in his twenties. He’s healthy, he’s not stressed, he has strong healthy relations with male friends that don’t centre on alcohol.

He goes cycling holidays too but unlike some of the threads on MN about inappropriate drunken behaviour on lads holidays I know that my DH and his mates have a couple of beers and go to bed early because they are getting up
at the crack of dawn to cycle up a French mountain (or whatever).

It takes a lot of time, and god knows a lot of money but it makes him happy and keeps him healthy physically and mentally.

My DH appreciates all that and tries pretty hard to make sure that I don’t get the raw end of the deal.

That means he agrees time in advance, he cuts rides short if we need him to and he always let’s me know if he’ll be delayed.

Not all his friends make the same effort and those are the ones with the (understandably) pissed off wives.