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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset at being left alone every Sunday

257 replies

acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 14:47

DH cycles, every fucking Sunday. Leaves at 8 and arrives back between 2 and 4. Dcs are older teens with lives. My friends understandably spend Sunday’s with their family. I’m bored. I’m quite capable of entertaining myself and regularly do without a complaint, but it’s every fucking Sunday plus two evenings a week.

I’m really starting to resent it.

WIBU to ask for one Sunday a month to be cycle free?

OP posts:
HeebieJeebies456 · 20/05/2018 15:33

Because I would then be left to do the chores in a Sunday

So just do your share of chores-not his or the kids.

Ifonlyus · 20/05/2018 15:34

Have you suggested one Sunday per month that he doesn't go and instead you do something together? If so, what did he say? If not, I think it sounds reasonable to ask.

Otherwise, can he get back by 1pm and then you do something in the afternoon? Skipping Saturday night plans because of his Sunday bike ride does sound unreasonable of him. That impacts on you. I like and need time to myself but having every Sunday written off would as a day to spend alone would not be desirable to me. Does he cycle with a group or by himself?

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 15:34

My ex had a few hobbies and one which earned him a fair bit of extra money, but he’d happily swap and change or miss sessions to spend time together and it was nothing to do with me needing him for my entertainment
The problem is that they go in a group, which indeed is safer anyway so it would be difficult if they all went depending on when the wives agreed. Saying that, of course they don't always all go, any family events will take precedence.

TheFatkinsDiet · 20/05/2018 15:34

swingofthings

Well done you! But a lot of people like to have a hobby which is just theirs, so no partners coming along. This might be the case for the op’s dh. Just speculating.

She doesn’t sound bitter or resentful to me and you sound quite judgy there tbh. Just because you decided to take up a hobby because your husband does it so you could go along with him and this pleased him doesn’t mean that other couples would enjoy the same. No need to call anyone bitter etc for not being like you.

Original poster
acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 15:35

amazing i did laugh at the suggestions of going with him. He does massive miles 100 plus and mostly up very steep fells and averages 18mph. I would be finished at that speed after 10miles.

OP posts:
Weezol · 20/05/2018 15:35

Acorns Am I correct in understanding that his cycling not only controls Sunday, but Saturday evening and two other evenings a week?

ikeepaforkinmypurse · 20/05/2018 15:36

It also very much impacts a Saturday night as he won’t accept any invitations. I will and do go alone.

that's not right, and you can have a frank discussion about it.

On another note, I don't understand what are all these chores people need to do on Saturdays. I can see you spend 1 hour doing things you really can't get around doing during the week if you are never home, but that's pretty much it.
By definition, if you have busy jobs and are never home, the house doesn't get messy at all so takes even less time.

Greenkit · 20/05/2018 15:37

He sounds VU and a bit selfish

One sunday a month is not unreasonable to spend together

I would tell him this is what you would like and if not, well consider your options

ChocoholicsAsylum · 20/05/2018 15:39

Sorry to upset you if I do but is he deffo doing all these cycling miles or riding the town bike?
Id be raging too OP because this sounds all about him.

Original poster
acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 15:40

We are fairly rural so even going to Tesco/DIY stores / visiting parents takes a lot of travel time. Then the mundane washing, cleaning. I have two big dogs so the floors get filthy. It just takes time. DH refuses to do any of these through the week and I’m sure he’d be overjoyed if I suggested a boozy lunch on a Saturday and stuff the house, however that leaves all the crap undone and would fall to me on a Sunday which isn’t gonna happen.

OP posts:
StripesandMars · 20/05/2018 15:41

I can see your POV, but I don’t think you should ask him to give up cycling.

It’s healthy and presumably keeps his weight down, there’s not really a massive drinking/sexist/lads culture associated with it (like football) .

What’s the work/money situation? Can you buy in a cleaner to cut down on the chores?

Original poster
acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 15:41

Choc he is defiantly on his beloved cycle. Grin

OP posts:
CandiedPeach · 20/05/2018 15:41

What’s with the set times for cycling? Surely it’s a pretty adaptable hobby in that you can cycle whenever suits. Ex played football and I got that it was set times for training and matches, although he’d miss to do stuff anyway, but don’t get why cyclings set like that.

Anyway makes a note to self.......no dating keen cyclists!

EatSleepRantRepeat · 20/05/2018 15:41

I totally agree with you OP - one weekend a month entirely with your partner is really not too much to ask. My DH has a hobby in the entertainment circuit which takes up some weekend days and late nights during the week - however he always asks me first if he can book x and x date. I'm actually very relaxed about it but my DH says himself that it's only fair to ask, given it's sacrificing time that would otherwise spend with me. He also does at least 50% of chores even when he's tired from his chores - your DH sounds like a rather selfish person tbh.

boilerhouse2007 · 20/05/2018 15:42

''But if dh wanted me to cut down on time doing something I love I would expect it to be replaced by something else iyswim. I wouldnt want to sit around at home doing nothing or chores.''

i object to this, sometimes it is nice for couples to just spend the day or time at least doing nothing together. Indeed it is necessary as couples do need downtime together especially on a Sunday or at wkends as it is a non working day-it's part of the marriage-sharing your time. They need time together, for 1 to always be off doing their own thing is not on in a marriage, especially if the couple work and do not see each other all week or are busy in the evenings.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 20/05/2018 15:42

Tired from his hobby not his chores, doh

JennyHolzersGhost · 20/05/2018 15:42

Many people on this thread completely missing the point.

  • go with him
  • rearrange your life to squeeze in all the other stuff so as not to inconvenience him
  • do double chores to free him up to grace you with his presence at a different time
  • find your own hobbies omg why do women even need to see their husbands at all anyway I conceived my children by long distance telemetry while my husband was in orbit around the earth fgs some women are so overly sensitive let the man have a life

I think the OP’s point is that she’s like some quality time with her DH and he’s not showing any sign of thinking that’s a priority for him.

OP, have you told him how that makes you feel? Does he realise what the lack of time together is doing to your marriage ? Either he doesn’t realise and will be upset when he finds out, or he knows and doesn’t care. If it’s the latter then I’m sorry to say that it doesn’t look good.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 15:42

Well done you! But a lot of people like to have a hobby which is just theirs, so no partners coming along. This might be the case for the op’s dh. Just speculating
Just to be clear, I don't go with him on his long cycles, he wants to go with his buddies, and that's absolutely fine. He suggested that if I wanted to, we could also go cycling together, so I decided to give it a try and even though I found it extremely hard at first, I got to enjoy it more and more.

Original poster
acornsandnuts · 20/05/2018 15:43

strip I haven’t asked him to give it up! And we couldn’t afford a cleaner because he spends so much money on cycling Grin

OP posts:
JennyHolzersGhost · 20/05/2018 15:44

Oh I forgot one -

  • tell him to cycle at a different time

IT’S A CYCLING CLUB THEY HAVE SCHEDULED RIDES HELLO HELLO IS THIS THING ON?

OliviaStabler · 20/05/2018 15:44

Sounds like he doesn't want to spend time with you Sad

boilerhouse2007 · 20/05/2018 15:44

''By definition, if you have busy jobs and are never home, the house doesn't get messy at all so takes even less time.''

ah they have kids and yes, houses can easily get very messy even with just 1 person who works fill time.

happymummy12345 · 20/05/2018 15:45

My husband works most weekends, often 12-14 hour days, sometimes starting at 9 or 10, and not home til 11pm. So i don't think you have it too bad. Sorry.

swingofthings · 20/05/2018 15:46

I think the OP’s point is that she’s like some quality time with her DH and he’s not showing any sign of thinking that’s a priority for him

She's got 3 evenings a week, Saturday day and Sunday later afternoon/evening to spend time with him, surely that's enough time to enjoy being together?

It sounds like OP is lucky that he hasn't mentioned the trips away too because that's what my OH does, two to three times a year, but I don't mind this either, it makes him happy. He says he is lucky to have a wife who doesn't give him a hard time about it and it makes him want to do things with me even more.

EatSleepRantRepeat · 20/05/2018 15:46

Why should the OP pay for a cleaner, if DH has energy and time for 8 hours of cycling but just can't be arsed to do the chores unless the OP makes him do it? It's one of those suggestions I see on here all the time - yet I bet it would end up as the OP having to manage searching for, booking and paying the cleaner, and managing them if they turn out to be flaky or not particularly good. Why should the DH get to pay his way of putting any effort in?