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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay them?

308 replies

upsideup · 19/05/2018 17:24

For 11 year old dd's sport there is a big event abroad in the beginning of the summer holidays that she is going to, her friend who also does the sports wanted to go but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

Original plan was for both me and DH to take the girls but we did mention when it was arranged that I was pregnant but that hopefully as long as all went to plan I would be fine going on the trip. I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once because after 4 easy pregnancies I didnt expect this one to be different but it was definately mentioned. I've decided not to go as I feel safer at home, we told them this last week ago and they said it was fine and hoped I got better. DH is still definately okay taking them on his own.

They now have phoned and said now they have thought it over and because we have changed the arrangements that were previously offered that they no longer want their dd to come so are expecting us cover the costs of this. The dd still wants to come, she has phoned my dd today in tears because they have been looking forward to this for months.

AIBU to not pay them anything? The offer to take their dd will stay open, if we were taking away that offer then of course we would pay.

OP posts:

maddening · 20/05/2018 15:32

No way should you pay, totally their choice to have an issue with this.

If you have already bought a ticket you could offer to allow them to pay to transfer it to a person they would like such as one of them or a family member if they don't want to lose the spot for their daughter through their own issues with you no longer being able to attend yourself.

DrEustaciaBenson · 20/05/2018 15:43

I think that the suggestion the pregnancy may cause problems has been way too weak.

But the girl's parents knew op is pregnant. The girl's mother has been pregnant herself, presumably. They must know there's always a possibility of unforseen complications. They shouldn't need to have it spelled out for them. It's not as if op deliberately concealed information from them; as far as she knew, at the time, she was having a straightforward pregnancy.

Eatalot · 20/05/2018 16:42

Im confused. This is a sports trip so presumably there are other parents and children. This is not a man taking his dd and her friend away. But kids going on a trip and needing a responsible adult.

They are cheeky fuckers.

Juells · 20/05/2018 17:27

@BackforGood

None of it is anything to do with the OP. They agreed the dd could come along with them. They even have free accommodation for her. That offer still stands. Of course the other parents have the option of saying she won't go only with OP's dd and dh - that is up to them - but it is also their loss if they choose not to.

That's how I'd see it as well. I wouldn't allow my DD to go with just a man, but I'd wave goodbye to the money.

lilstarr99 · 20/05/2018 17:36

FWIW I wouldn’t want my 11 yr old DD going with a man on his own either. So I would either get my OH to go with them or suck up the cancellation costs. There’s no way I’d expect you to pay me back when I’m making the decision. CFs indeed, YANBU 🙄

Bekstar · 20/05/2018 17:37

YANBU they are, if th want to pull their daughter out that's their problem. Not yours, the offer to take her still stands and to be Frank you were providing accommodation and food which they didn't have to pay for. They didn't have an issue with you both going so what's the difference, yes your DP is a male alone with two girls but he would have been with them in the first place. They were prepared to allow that so what's the difference.

PetulantPolecat · 20/05/2018 17:44

I’d tell them you cannot believe their rudeness and your kind offer is now completely withdrawn as your DH is unwilling to act as a free chaperone for their benefit.

Strigiformes · 20/05/2018 17:54

Hi op, personally I would send them a text simply saying that you are sorry that their dd can't make the trip. Say that if they do change their minds then the offer of an adult chaperone to the events still stands. Obviously you don't owe them any money so I wouldn't mention it as it's ridiculously cheeky of them.

user1483875094 · 20/05/2018 18:10

but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

... The ultimate question is... WHY could her parents not take her?"
"don't want to waste their holiday on their child? Cannot afford it? Just can't be bothered? (which sounds likely!!!) They are just AWFUL people, and AWFUL parents... and you and your family seem like the loveliest people folk should be happy to have as friends! You owe them NOT ONE PENNY, they are the ULTIMATE HORRID CHEATING PARENTS. Don't bother to answer their utterly ridiculous claim... just sent them a link to MN (this) ! xxxxxxx

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 20/05/2018 18:14

Didn’t they taje out travel insurance for their DD’s trip?

rookiemere · 20/05/2018 18:24

I can't see that travel insurance would pay out in these circumstances - the trip is still going ahead, there is still an adult accompanying them - no reason for insurance to pay out.

User - unless I've missed some posts from the OP - so far I've only read three - then you're somewhat out of line about the other parents. There are many reasons why people are unable to take holidays on certain weeks and we aren't privy to their reasons for not being able to go. They clearly care about their DDs welfare (regardless if we agree with their actions or not) by withdrawing her from the trip.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/05/2018 18:27

Every single day on here there is a thread about men stepping up, doing more childcare, offering to be a SAHD etc. Then they are not to be trusted for a play date? Well why don't we just all go back to men working and the good little wifey staying at home doing all the childcare.

DevilsDoorbell · 20/05/2018 18:31

Unbelievable. Their daughter can no longer go, their problem not yours

rookiemere · 20/05/2018 18:35

A playdate is somewhat different from a week away Sweeney.

DH is more distrustful of men compared to women and I had a job allowing him to let DS go to a sleepover at one of his pals DFs house ( parents are divorced). I don't really agree with him, but if its a question of being overly cautious, versus potentially something really bad happening to your DC then sometimes you have to trust your instincts.

In this case the nature of the trip has changed. If I were in the other families circumstances I'd have my reservations about sending my DD as well ( NB I am not the other family - I do not have a DD). I wouldn't be demanding my money back though, but I would be a bit miffed about it all.

Original poster

upsideup · 20/05/2018 19:02

Thankyou for the replies, we definately are not going to be paying them anything.
We have apologised the situation (through not fault of any of ours) has changed but reminded them that we did let them know this was a possibility. We have also told them that their dd's place is still there if they change there mind.

We told them I was a pregnant before we told much closer friends because we thought that it was right they knew that if there were complications I wouldnt be going, nothing more was said about it because I expected if they were concerned by this that they would bring it up again, I did give them the infomation but they decided to pay for their dd to come on the trip regardless. I didnt underplay how likely this would be, at the time I thought it was unlikely but I knew it was possible so we let them know it was unlikely but possible.
If there were serious complication with the baby then neither me or DH would be going and we would have paid for not taking their dd but she is still welcome, Dd and DH ( responsible father of 4 children, works with children so is DBS checked, doesnt drink, doesnt smoke, has met their dd on hundreds of occasions when shes been round our house and knows her really well) are still going.

OP posts:

openscanofworms · 20/05/2018 19:05

There could’ve been many reasons why OP couldn’t go. Every pregnancy is different - what if she had fallen pregnant between offering and the trip and had HG? OP wouldn’t be able to go and so DH would be looking after the girls.
I don’t get why it’s ok for the OP and DH to take the kids but not DH. There will be other adults for pastoral care if he feels unable or DD’s friend wants to speak to someone else.

Definitely CFs you have here OP!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 20/05/2018 19:11

Maybe the cf have found themselves to be free those dates and thought of a way to get a holiday out of you for all of them??

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/05/2018 19:12

A playdate is somewhat different from a week away

True but at least 1 poster has already said they wouldn't let their DD do a playdate with just a father present. Sadly I know a few children who live with Dad because Mum has passed away, haven't those poor kids got enough to deal with without not being allowed to have friends around.

myrtleWilson · 20/05/2018 19:15

thanks sweeney - I posted exactly this scenario upthread.

Bluntness100 · 20/05/2018 19:19

God, you'd think I'd stop being surprised by what people do, but this thread has me surprised again, and not in a good way,

You were and still are doing these people a favour. It is their choice to not send their kid with your husband, asking you to reimburse them is shocking behaviour. I don't even know how they developed the gall to ask. I'd have been ashamed. It's so wrong.

I'm glad you're giving them nothing. I feel sorry for the daughter.

Ellyess · 20/05/2018 19:25

upsideup They knew you were pregnant when they agreed to send their DD away with you. They must have known therefore that you might have to opt out. I would never take for granted that an arrangement made in advance with a pregnant person would be able to be kept later on. Pregnancy can change at any time and you have to look after yourself. They are just feeling annoyed with themselves for not thinking ahead. Two 11 yr olds would be ok together with one of their Dads to look after them, in my opinion. After all, the other girl has your daughter for company. If they are worried about her starting periods, well, the same applies to your own daughter and you can have a chat with them beforehand about that, if it's the case. I'm assuming they've known you both for a while.

The money is their problem. They have decided not to send their child. You can still take her, albeit it will just be your husband. I think they are being unreasonable. They knew you were pregnant, so they should have realised this was a factor to bear in mind.
I don't want you being upset by them, not while you are pregnant. They are not behaving reasonably IMO.

Ellyess · 20/05/2018 19:31

upsideup I forgot to say, I would be quite short with them too. Your husband is someone most of us would be only too glad to send our 11 year old, boy or girl, away with, so I can't understand their pettiness.

Ellyess · 20/05/2018 19:33

Bluntness100 You're so right! The poor daughter of these unreasonable people is the victim in this. Heaven knows what other twisted ideas they are influencing her with as well. Poor child.

Icanttakemuchmore · 20/05/2018 19:35

A thousand pounds is an awful lot of money for a return flight and entrance fees. Are you sure they're not doing it just to get extra mo EU from you. I wouldn't give them anything, the girls place is still there if she wants it and I would be telling them I was offended if it's because your dh is going and not you and they have a problem with that. Tell them she can still go but if they wish to cancel then that's up to them.

Icanttakemuchmore · 20/05/2018 19:35

money

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