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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay them?

308 replies

upsideup · 19/05/2018 17:24

For 11 year old dd's sport there is a big event abroad in the beginning of the summer holidays that she is going to, her friend who also does the sports wanted to go but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

Original plan was for both me and DH to take the girls but we did mention when it was arranged that I was pregnant but that hopefully as long as all went to plan I would be fine going on the trip. I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once because after 4 easy pregnancies I didnt expect this one to be different but it was definately mentioned. I've decided not to go as I feel safer at home, we told them this last week ago and they said it was fine and hoped I got better. DH is still definately okay taking them on his own.

They now have phoned and said now they have thought it over and because we have changed the arrangements that were previously offered that they no longer want their dd to come so are expecting us cover the costs of this. The dd still wants to come, she has phoned my dd today in tears because they have been looking forward to this for months.

AIBU to not pay them anything? The offer to take their dd will stay open, if we were taking away that offer then of course we would pay.

OP posts:
ChipsAndKetchup · 20/05/2018 19:41

I can see both sides. The OP has changed the terms which the other parents were happy with when they spent the money arranging for their DD to go along. It's a bit cheeky to expect them to still be ok about it. It's not a reflection of them thinking that the OP's DH is a pervert it's just that the DD is probably a lot more comfortable with the mother. I think I'd be pissed off too frankly.

Usernameunknown2 · 20/05/2018 19:44

Yanbu they were well aware this could happen and chose to accept that. They are trying it on.

ChipsAndKetchup · 20/05/2018 19:50

The risk of the OP not going was minimised to the extent that the people assumed that it wouldn't be an issue.

It's pretty outrageous that no one here can see the other parents point of view.

Usernameunknown2 · 20/05/2018 19:55

But Chips they knew tgat was a possibility. They took the risk of the terms changing.

Vicky1990 · 20/05/2018 19:58

Have I missed the reason for not allowing the girl to go, have you asked, if so what is the answer.

Usernameunknown2 · 20/05/2018 19:58

If someone told me that they may not be able to go because of pregnancy, even if they downplayed it loads (OP says she didnt downplay though yes only have her pov bias), i would be saying no way if that was a game changer for me. Because i know pregnancy is unpredictable and it is a risk.

Rockhopper81 · 20/05/2018 19:58

I don’t think the risk of the OP not going has been minimised, because the risk of the OP not going was minimal when the arrangements were made. Risk, in this case, was determined by previous experience - 4 straightforward, complication-free pregnancies quite rightly indicated minimal risk of the OP not going. Nothing is risk free, and risk and statistics are never perfect.

If they don’t want their daughter to go, that’s their decision and for their reasons - which are irrelevant to the AIBU, which is regarding the request for reimbursement. In that instance, the OP INBU, as they have not changed the parameters of the offer and the place is still available.

Original poster
upsideup · 20/05/2018 19:59

Their dd hasnt been told why she isnt going anymore, shes really upset and was still really excited to and unbothered by it only being dh. (at least this is what she has told my dd)

The risk of the OP not going was minimised to the extent that the people assumed that it wouldn't be an issue.

It isnt an issue to me though, I am 100% certain that DH is capable on his own, if the possibility of me pulling out and DH having to go alone created an issue for us we wouldnt have taken the risk and organised for dd to go.
I let the other parents know there was this possibility, its up to them if they have an issue with it, they didnt say anything about it at the time, paid for their dd and told her she could go and took the risk.

OP posts:
Ellyess · 20/05/2018 20:00

I am so fed-up with all the talk about male sex offenders! Allow me to quote from the OP:

"DH ( responsible father of 4 children, works with children so is DBS checked, doesnt drink, doesnt smoke, has met their dd on hundreds of occasions when shes been round our house and knows her really well) are still going."

Clearly her husband is not a sex -offender. He sounds like the kind of man who anyone would be glad to let look after their child, boy or girl.

EliseC1965 · 20/05/2018 20:04

They can claim back the taxes from the flight cancellation, which can be a large proportion of the flight these days.

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 20:11

Thinking further. My DP was a single father to his DC after his DW died. I would trust him with my children's lives. But I wouldn't trust a random man (or woman) whom I didn't know that well, and who my DC might also not know that well.

I am pretty much a lone voice here, but I think, OP, you minimised the potential for problems, and you should suck it up now that they have arisen.

Curiousaboutchoices · 20/05/2018 20:15

OP I’m coming to the party late but what did the other family say when you said you weren’t paying?

And yes, they are utter CF, no you ANBU and I hope to god you distance yourself from these people as they are clearly nuts. Not to pull out because of a Single lone male carer (weird if they know the family but whatever,their prerogative) but to expect you to take a financial hit when they are losing nothing but the experience that they can’t be bothered to take their child on themselves. Just wow.

Curiousaboutchoices · 20/05/2018 20:17

What a mess - I only hope you don’t ever avail yourself of the kindliness of your neighbours as they are clearly letting themselves in for a potential kicking if something goes wrong.

Cannockcanring · 20/05/2018 20:18

The OP has changed the terms which the other parents were happy with when they spent the money arranging for their DD to go along. It's a bit cheeky to expect them to still be ok about it
You make it sound as if the OP offered a service as a business transaction for money! She was doing the other child's family a BIG favour, and is still willing to do it. It's them that are being extremely cheeky!

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/05/2018 20:18

@WhatAMessTheBad

But this isn't a random man, it's somebody the DD knows very well, presumably the parents also know as their DD has been to his house on many occasions, also they must know his job and that he has DBS check.

PetulantPolecat · 20/05/2018 20:20

Actually, when someone volunteers to chaperone your child FOR FREE, the risk you are taking is that they can change their mind at any time, for any reason or just because they feel like it and you can do nothing. Because you’re not paying them. The OP was doing them a favour, not providing a service. There’s no “agreement” and there’s no “verbal contract.”

And they’re assholes. Sorry OP but they are and I can’t believe you’re not more outraged and telling everyone about them, to warn others.

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 20:25

Oh, I dunno. I just can't help thinking there is something slightly disingenuous about the OP's posts. I think there's more to it, and that she has slanted it in such a way that everyone will pile in to say YANBU. I just think it might be a bit more nuanced than it appears from her perspective.

Curiousaboutchoices · 20/05/2018 20:27

Not sure how volunteering to take someone else’s child away for free can be nuanced to be honest.

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 20:31

@Curiousaboutchoices I just think the OP is minimising the degree to which she mentioned the possibility of her being unable to accompany the DDs. I think she has changed the goalposts, massively, and has written her OP in such a way that everyone will agree with her. If my DD knew OP's husband well, and if I were completely confident that he could look after her, I'd say yes. If either of those things weren't the case, I'd say no.

Juells · 20/05/2018 20:31

@Ellyess

Clearly her husband is not a sex -offender. He sounds like the kind of man who anyone would be glad to let look after their child, boy or girl.

Not if they don't want their child looked after by a lone male. They're entitled to feel that, I wouldn't agree to it either. I wouldn't expect any money back though.

I still don't quite understand the financial aspect, or why they feel they're entitled to money back from the OP. Hmm Is it money paid for flights?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/05/2018 20:32

Mind you £1000 not including accommodation and food seems pretty steep. Can they not get money back for cancelled flights, even if not entry to the events?

ArtieMae · 20/05/2018 20:42

To be honest I do sympathise with them. I can see why they wouldn’t want to send their young daughter with just a dad. I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either. Not because it means your hubby is a dodgy character but just because it’s better to be safe than sorry. You need to do what feels right as a parent. They obviously didn’t pay attention when you said you might need to pull out and now they will lose £1k. Dont think they can expect you to reimburse if as you claim you did warn them that you may not be able to go. Hope this doesn’t affect your daughter and her pal’s friendship.

ChipsAndKetchup · 20/05/2018 20:43

WhatAMessTheBad

I completely agree with you. The OP has admitted the risk of her not going was only mentioned casually. For the other parents this completely changes the picture.

ArtieMae · 20/05/2018 20:45

Agree. I feel that it was probably not made clear that due to the pregnancy the mother might need to bow out leaving the dad to take the girls alone.

rookiemere · 20/05/2018 20:45

Can I ask OP if you paid for flights and expenses related to this trip before you needed to cancel?