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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay them?

308 replies

upsideup · 19/05/2018 17:24

For 11 year old dd's sport there is a big event abroad in the beginning of the summer holidays that she is going to, her friend who also does the sports wanted to go but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

Original plan was for both me and DH to take the girls but we did mention when it was arranged that I was pregnant but that hopefully as long as all went to plan I would be fine going on the trip. I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once because after 4 easy pregnancies I didnt expect this one to be different but it was definately mentioned. I've decided not to go as I feel safer at home, we told them this last week ago and they said it was fine and hoped I got better. DH is still definately okay taking them on his own.

They now have phoned and said now they have thought it over and because we have changed the arrangements that were previously offered that they no longer want their dd to come so are expecting us cover the costs of this. The dd still wants to come, she has phoned my dd today in tears because they have been looking forward to this for months.

AIBU to not pay them anything? The offer to take their dd will stay open, if we were taking away that offer then of course we would pay.

OP posts:
Mandatorymongoose · 20/05/2018 20:46

As the child of a single Dad and DW of a (previously) SAHD some of these posts make me feel very sad.

On topic - OP you owe them nothing. I don't know why they'd ever consider you did.

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 20:58

Thanks, @ChipsAndKetchup. I think I'm in a minority. And, as I said, my DP is a superb single father, not by choice!

Original poster
upsideup · 20/05/2018 21:02

Hope this doesn’t affect your daughter and her pal’s friendship.

I hope not too.

I feel that it was probably not made clear that due to the pregnancy the mother might need to bow out leaving the dad to take the girls alone.

It was mentioned from our end, I would have happily discussed it further if they raised issue with this, they didnt so we assumed they were fine with this possibility and they chose to take the risk anyway.
I told them I was pregnant so only as long as me and baby were still fine then I would hopefully be fine going on the trip, I didnt think it was likely I wouldnt be able to as it wasnt likely I would have a difficult pregnancy. Its not my fault that I am, I didnt do that on purpose.

Can I ask OP if you paid for flights and expenses related to this trip before you needed to cancel?

Yes and so we have lost money from this.

OP posts:
chavtasticfirebanger · 20/05/2018 21:45

In the case that a child had no mum/a working mum I would invite to mine. It isnt that these kids will have no friends far from it.

FASH84 · 20/05/2018 21:46

Christ, when are we going to get away from all men are predators!! I work with convicted violent and sex offenders so could be excused for a skewed perspective of the world but even I don't think this. They being very unreasonable.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 20/05/2018 21:56

In the case that a child had no mum/a working mum I would invite to mine. It isnt that these kids will have no friends far from it.

All kids sometimes like to have friends come to their house, how would you explain to a youngster, sorry darling you can't have a sleepover for your birthday because Daddy might be a nasty man and hurt your friends?

chavtasticfirebanger · 20/05/2018 21:58

I dont do sleepovers full stop. But many would feel like that it isnt unreasonable.

myrtleWilson · 20/05/2018 21:59

@chavtasticfirebanger
how horrid - why can't a child with a single parent (male) have friends round to play - to show off their toys, their bedroom, to have food at their table.
Shall I explain to my bereaved DN that their friends can't come round because their parents think their only surviving parent is potentially a bad man. Shame on you.

Eatalot · 20/05/2018 22:01

Op have you told them you are not willing to pay? If so what was their response? Interested to see how they justify you paying for this.

Rockhopper81 · 20/05/2018 22:09

In the case that a child had no mum/a working mum I would invite to mine.

Seriously? Seriously?! You wouldn’t let your child go to the house of a friend who has a father as the primary carer? A friend who has a father for a single parent? A friend who had male same-sex parents?

And how would you explain that to them? “Sorry daring, invite John to tea here as I don’t want you being alone with his two dads”??

After everything that’s been said on this thread - and I tried very hard not to get into the politics of it all, to ignore the inherent sexism and double standards (because say what you like, if you’d let your child go to tea at a friend’s house where only Mum was, but not Dad, then it’s a double standard) - this took the biscuit.

I’d have them here rather than let them go there...because my environment is so much better and safer than theirs...you couldn’t make it up...

chavtasticfirebanger · 20/05/2018 22:10

Stepping out as not contributing to OP. That is my feeling. Ohers may feel differently-also fine. Both feelings valid and not personal at all.

myrtleWilson · 20/05/2018 22:12

Not even the decency to answer my point @chavtasticfirebanger cowardly imo.

myrtleWilson · 20/05/2018 22:13

apologies @upsideup I'm upset by some posters and I shouldn't have derailed.

Vicky1990 · 20/05/2018 22:13

Can I ask again, what was said as the reason for not letting the girl go?.

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 22:16

OP, your clarification clarifies precisely nothing, as it is semi-literate. I would certainly be baulking at sending my 11 yo DD away with anyone who couldn't express themselves in clear English.

Will you DD's friend's parents be out of pocket if their daughter doesn't go?

Will you be out of pocket if their daughter doesn't go?

Please clarify, in straightforward language.

PattiStanger · 20/05/2018 22:17

Are none of the costs refundable?

PetulantPolecat · 20/05/2018 22:23

What a mess, she doesn’t need to clarify herself to you. Others understand her just fine, so it must be your comprehension skills that are lacking.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2018 22:24

@WhatAMess

OP, your clarification clarifies precisely nothing, as it is semi-literate. I would certainly be baulking at sending my 11 yo DD away with anyone who couldn't express themselves in clear English.

I think it may be you who is semi-literate if you cannot follow the OP's posts on this thread!

Will you DD's friend's parents be out of pocket if their daughter doesn't go?
Yes - as OP has said all along, they have paid for flights and passes to whatever the sporting/hobby event is. Approx £1,000 they think.

Will you be out of pocket if their daughter doesn't go?
No. OP has clarified this several times. But OP has lost money on her own flight which she had booked but now must cancel.

Please clarify, in straightforward language.
Confused

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 22:32

@WhatAMess

OP, your clarification clarifies precisely nothing, as it is semi-literate. I would certainly be baulking at sending my 11 yo DD away with anyone who couldn't express themselves in clear English.

I think it may be you who is semi-literate if you cannot follow the OP's posts on this thread!

Oh, right. I am a writer and proofreader, so I think it unlikely that I am illiterate.

Will you DD's friend's parents be out of pocket if their daughter doesn't go?
Yes - as OP has said all along, they have paid for flights and passes to whatever the sporting/hobby event is. Approx £1,000 they think

Well. If that's the case, I would say the OP has changed the goalposts, and will have to write that money off.

Will you be out of pocket if their daughter doesn't go?
No. OP has clarified this several times. But OP has lost money on her own flight which she had booked but now must cancel

If the OP needs to cancel her own flight, that is regrettable. It is, howr, nothing to do with her acquaintance, who merely has to decide what is best for her own DD.

NoSquirrels · 20/05/2018 22:36

I think it may be you who is semi-literate if you cannot follow the OP's posts on this thread!

Oh, right. I am a writer and proofreader, so I think it unlikely that I am illiterate.

You're a bad proofreader if you didn't catch that I said semi-literate, not illiterate Grin. You are certainly a careless reader of threads on MN, and do not qualify for my coveted Comprehension Badge Grin Grin

OP didn't "change the goalposts." She said all along she was pregnant and all being well she would be going. Hardly her fault she's not!

TrippingTheVelvet · 20/05/2018 22:40

No way, José you're a proof reader! I think you're fibbing Grin

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 22:46

@NoSquirrels, so sorry that I took "semi literate" to mean "illiterate". I wasn't referring to you; more to the OP, I think. I believe the OP mentioned her pregnancy en passant, and didn't give the other parents any reason to think things wouldn't happen as planned. This isn't necessarily her fault, but she hasn't replied to my earlier post, in which I question her about her lack of money when it comes to house-moving. It is, of course, possible that I have mis-remembered. Otherwise, it would seem strange to be spending that amount on one of five children's hobbies.

I still believe the OP has slanted her posts to gain as much sympathy and understanding as possible. I remain unconvinced, though.

As for you, @TrippingTheVelvet, please tell me why I would be fibbing. The fact that I think the OP is being disingenuous doesn't cast my English abilities in a bad light, surely.

Furano · 20/05/2018 22:47

@WhatAMessTheBad OPs post are perfectly clear.

WhatAMessTheBad · 20/05/2018 22:48

@Furano, no they are not.

TheMonkeyMummy · 20/05/2018 22:53

Their choice, so no. Could the other dad take time off work and go in your place?