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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay them?

308 replies

upsideup · 19/05/2018 17:24

For 11 year old dd's sport there is a big event abroad in the beginning of the summer holidays that she is going to, her friend who also does the sports wanted to go but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

Original plan was for both me and DH to take the girls but we did mention when it was arranged that I was pregnant but that hopefully as long as all went to plan I would be fine going on the trip. I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once because after 4 easy pregnancies I didnt expect this one to be different but it was definately mentioned. I've decided not to go as I feel safer at home, we told them this last week ago and they said it was fine and hoped I got better. DH is still definately okay taking them on his own.

They now have phoned and said now they have thought it over and because we have changed the arrangements that were previously offered that they no longer want their dd to come so are expecting us cover the costs of this. The dd still wants to come, she has phoned my dd today in tears because they have been looking forward to this for months.

AIBU to not pay them anything? The offer to take their dd will stay open, if we were taking away that offer then of course we would pay.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/05/2018 17:49

WTF?! No sodding way.

Sounds like there’s something else going on which means they don’t want her to go and they’re taking the absolute piss.

What did you say when they asked though? They must think you’re going to give them the money if they went away to confirm how much they want.

They don’t have a leg to stand on.

Oldraver · 19/05/2018 17:51

Do not pay them...just say the offer to take their DD is still there and if they decide to not send her, then they take the hit.

They are being really really cheeky

rookiemere · 19/05/2018 17:52

To me it sounds as if it’s the fact you’re no longer going that has changed their minds - unreasonable but there you go.

Is there any chance you might be able to do the trip - I know you shouldn’t have to - but I don’t know how serious your medical complications are for this pregnancy?

MyOtherProfile · 19/05/2018 17:54

I don't really understand what the £1000 was for. Not accommodation or food. Was it the cost of the sport event?

SoupDragon · 19/05/2018 17:56

Ask them to explain specifically why they don’t want her to go.

But in any case, pay them nothing.

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 17:57

interesting how so many people jump to the conclusion that parents do not feel comfortable of a man looking after children now. Sad what has happened to the world.

chavtasticfirebanger · 19/05/2018 17:58

To be honest if my daughter's friend's parents offered to take her somewhere I would be thinking principally of the mother.
If the mother pulled out, I would be uncomfortable with my daughter being on her own with a dad, instead of a mum and dad.
I am sorry for that. It may not be reasonable but that's how I would feel. Likewise, if they were invited for tea but then only the dad would be there, I would cancel the date.
If it was explicitly clear that there was a real possibility you may pull out, then yes, you ANBU to expect them to pay. If it was a sentence thrown in there on the off chance with no further consideration, then I don't think they ABU. I would be uncomfortable.

Pengggwn · 19/05/2018 18:00

chavtasticfirebanger

But that discomfort is your problem, not the other couple's.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 19/05/2018 18:00

I would have to pick myself up off the floor and stop laughing just long enough to tell them to fuck off.
It sounds like you were doing them a huge favour to begin with, with no financial gain so they should have offered you some money to look after their daughter.
You not going doesnr physically stop their daughter going, they obviously just feel uncomfortable with only a male supervisor so clearly they don't trust your DP. That is 100% their issue.
You owe them nothing morally or legally so please just tell them to stop.being CFs

RandomMess · 19/05/2018 18:00

You haven't changed the offer "We, or possibly just DH as I'm pregnant, will take your DD"

Remind them of this and refuse to pay...

BelieveAnything · 19/05/2018 18:01

What was the money covering. £1000 is a lot.

It’s so obvious that they are being unreasonable I don’t understand why you think you need to ask for Mumsnetters responses. 🤷🏻‍♀️

DontTouchTheMoustache · 19/05/2018 18:02

boilerhouse what other reason could there be?

Springnowplease · 19/05/2018 18:02

I think they aren't comfortable with your DH being the sole adult. I don't think I would be either if the arrangement had previously been that you would go.

DanglyEarOrnaments · 19/05/2018 18:04

I would just say "Oh no no there must be a mistake, the offer is still on, the girls will still be taken, unless you wish to cancel?'

SoupDragon · 19/05/2018 18:04

chavtasticfirebanger I assume you never leave your DD in the sole care of her father then.

chavtasticfirebanger · 19/05/2018 18:04

Peng
Yes it is. But so many people say 'sad how the world is' referring to women's fear of men. But it is a rational fear based on much evidence that men are the main instigators of sexual and physical violence.
Statistically, the friend is at more risk with OP's DH alone than if she were there. That doesn't mean in a million years that I think her DH is anything other than lovely. But as a mother of a daughter, my senses would be tingling from that deep down fear.
I bet if the offer from the start had been that Op's DH was to take them alone the friend would not be going.

Pengggwn · 19/05/2018 18:06

chavtasticfirebanger

Fair enough, feel any way you want, but the fact is the OP gave fair warning. Plus, if the OP had offered to take them alone and now couldn't because of illness, would you still expect them to repay the other couple? Sometimes things like this happen, it's tough.

sayhellotothelittlefella · 19/05/2018 18:06

YANBU - your offer to take their DD still stands. They are choosing to pull out. They knew you were pregnant when they made the arrangement.

xyzandabc · 19/05/2018 18:06

Wow chavtastic. I find that so sad that you wouldn't let your child go on a playdate if only dad was home.

We have quite a few friends where mum works full time m-f but dad works shifts so it's usually dad around for school pick up etc.

I would feel so sad for the child if their friends weren't allowed to come and play just because it's dad that makes the tea instead of mum. Just wow.

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 18:07

DontTouchTheMoustache
oh this is the reason, i have no doubt but i just find it sad that this is the way society has gone and men are so untrusted and looked at it with suspicion.When i was a kid, just the dad being there was never an issue. The whole pedophile thing wasn't in the media and guess what? Nobody i knew got abused, I am not saying it did not happen but it has just being blown so out of proportion.

PearPeachCrumble · 19/05/2018 18:08

Pay them nothing.

chavtasticfirebanger Wow, are you serious?

Jaxhog · 19/05/2018 18:09

Isn't this what travel insurance is for?

Eastcoastmost · 19/05/2018 18:09

I would be hugely insulted that the other family are insinuating your DH is not to be trusted.

Never a good deed goes unpunished, eh, OP? Bet you’re regretting trying to help now. I’d feel so frustrated in your shoes and it’s obvious the other kid still wants to go.

Jaxhog · 19/05/2018 18:10

(I mean theirs)

sprinklesandsauce · 19/05/2018 18:12

You’re still offering the service, it’s their choice not to go, you don’t owe them a penny.

Could the other girls dad go with DH?