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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay them?

308 replies

upsideup · 19/05/2018 17:24

For 11 year old dd's sport there is a big event abroad in the beginning of the summer holidays that she is going to, her friend who also does the sports wanted to go but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

Original plan was for both me and DH to take the girls but we did mention when it was arranged that I was pregnant but that hopefully as long as all went to plan I would be fine going on the trip. I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once because after 4 easy pregnancies I didnt expect this one to be different but it was definately mentioned. I've decided not to go as I feel safer at home, we told them this last week ago and they said it was fine and hoped I got better. DH is still definately okay taking them on his own.

They now have phoned and said now they have thought it over and because we have changed the arrangements that were previously offered that they no longer want their dd to come so are expecting us cover the costs of this. The dd still wants to come, she has phoned my dd today in tears because they have been looking forward to this for months.

AIBU to not pay them anything? The offer to take their dd will stay open, if we were taking away that offer then of course we would pay.

OP posts:
Fruitcorner123 · 19/05/2018 19:31

what expat said. I cant believe they asked. You were already doing them a massive favour by taking their DD.

expatinscotland · 19/05/2018 19:35

And fuck offering alternatives or saying 'sorry'. Tough shit. Personally I'm not a fan of my kids going on holidays with mates so I just say no.

Rudgie47 · 19/05/2018 19:37

Maybe the Mum was concerned that her daughter wouldnt be able to discuss any personal concerns with your husband if needed? I still think though that you should nt have to pay them anything.

eddielizzard · 19/05/2018 19:37

cfery without a doubt. why should you pay for their decision?

GabsAlot · 19/05/2018 19:40

nah sorry tell them to jump

if they changed theyre mind through an agent they wouldnt get a refund -same thing

Dobbythesockelf · 19/05/2018 19:40

What exactly do they want money for?
When I was a kid my mum worked through the day whereas my dad worked early mornings so any friends I had round were always with only my dad present. I'm so glad that none of my friends parents ever had a problem with this.
I would personally refuse to give them any money. You can't help if you have had complications at the end of the day.

Pengggwn · 19/05/2018 19:40

DBS check Shock

You can't just get one yourself, anyway, as far as I know.

MyOtherProfile · 19/05/2018 19:40

Still can't understand what the 1000 is for.

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 19:42

''Gosh I was playing round friends houses with no parents around when I was eleven. Poor kids. Poor dads.''

exactly, i was doing this when i was 5. The dad hardly knew i was there. The irony here is that these women posting saying they would not allow their kids over to a dad only house would call themselves feminists and would go mad if people were on here saying women should be the ones to clean and cook in the house.

NoSquirrels · 19/05/2018 19:45

The DD still wants to come, right? So it’s not that the DD is uncomfortable with your DH? In that circumstance I would find it understandable they’d pulled out but still not reimburse them the money. Shit happens - even if you hadn’t mentioned your pregnancy and possible option to stay home, if you’re not well enough to go that’s that. Unfortunate but not your fault. The decision due then to not let their DD come means they’ve decided to lose the money on costs - you didn’t decide that for them.

Is there no one else from the spots team who might also like a place? Perhaps they’d feel happier if another adult was staying too.

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 19:46

''I suppose this is partly because (so shoot me) I think mums are generally more au fait with the needs of children generally.''

Yes i agree here but for ppl to say they would not allow their children around to a friend's house if the dad was just there is just nuts. God help their teacher if he is a male.

expatinscotland · 19/05/2018 19:49

'Still can't understand what the 1000 is for.'

Flights, tickets to the event, passes and the like presumably.

WhatAMessTheBad · 19/05/2018 19:52

@boilerhouse2007 I'm not a feminist. I still wouldn't let my DD go away with a dad whom a) I didn't know well, or b) didn't trust for some reason.

Juells · 19/05/2018 19:55

@boilerhouse2007

The irony here is that these women posting saying they would not allow their kids over to a dad only house would call themselves feminists and would go mad if people were on here saying women should be the ones to clean and cook in the house.

What's ironic about it? Housekeeping and child safety are two different issues.

God help their teacher if he is a male.

A teacher isn't alone with children, it's a classroom setting. Completely different.

Katedotness1963 · 19/05/2018 19:57

They've changed their minds? Their child can still go, your husband is happy to look after both children? This is not your problem, they're not entitled to a penny "back". How long have you known them? How sad that for some people, all men are looked at as suspect.

Juells · 19/05/2018 19:57

Don't you just know that the other parents sat around working themselves into a fury over the money, discussing the ins and outs and convincing each other that they were perfectly entitled to demand reimbursement Grin

Cheeky fuckery at its best.

MadMags · 19/05/2018 20:01

So the £1k was for flights and event fees etc?

I actually don’t know how U they’re being tbh.

I think it sounds like you made some throwaway comment about not going, but probably not enough to make them reasonably think there was a possibility you’d be pulling out.

They can’t make you pay, of course. But it does sound as though you’ve let them down quite badly.

jasjas1973 · 19/05/2018 20:02

I suppose this is partly because (so shoot me) I think mums are generally more au fait with the needs of children generally

Yes i agree here but for ppl to say they would not allow their children around to a friend's house if the dad was just there is just nuts. God help their teacher if he is a male

Based on what exactly? a rather misandrist remark.

Men can and do make fantastic parents and understand as well as any woman the needs of a child BUT ime women do like to keep hold of the illusion that only they make good parents.

The OP s so called friends are being totally unfair to her DH and to their daughter, who presumable would still like to go.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 19/05/2018 20:04

It sounds like you didn't really tell them this would be an option by mentioning it once and casually. You should have said that would they still be happy if it ended up being DH alone and made it very clear.

Can they not get anybody to go with her if they can't make it? An aunt, trusted friend etc.

The sex wouldn't bother me but I'd not let mine go away with a lone adult that wasn't a parent or family member.

Pengggwn · 19/05/2018 20:05

You should have said that would they still be happy if it ended up being DH alone and made it very clear.

I see it differently. They should have worked out - because it is basic common sense - that there was always a chance that she wouldn't have been able to go, and plan accordingly.

Juells · 19/05/2018 20:09

I'm amazed at all the (presumably?) parents who claim that they'd be fine allowing their 11-year-old go away to a foreign country with a strange man. It's easy to say that when huffing and puffing about unfairness on an anonymous message-board, would you all really be so sanguine in real life? I'd have been iffy about letting an 11-year-old go with two adults, but no way with one man.

Pengggwn · 19/05/2018 20:12

Juells

I wouldn't send my DD away with a strange man OR a strange woman, but if I knew the man well I wouldn't have a problem with it.

However, if I did have a problem with it because I didn't know the man well enough, I wouldn't ask to be reimbursed. It would be my decision, my cost.

TryingToForgeAnewLife · 19/05/2018 20:12

OP - have you actually asked what the reason is for the DD not going?

Clubcuts · 19/05/2018 20:14

To be honest if my daughter's friend's parents offered to take her somewhere I would be thinking principally of the mother.
If the mother pulled out, I would be uncomfortable with my daughter being on her own with a dad, instead of a mum and dad.
I am sorry for that. It may not be reasonable but that's how I would feel. Likewise, if they were invited for tea but then only the dad would be there, I would cancel the date.
If it was explicitly clear that there was a real possibility you may pull out, then yes, you ANBU to expect them to pay. If it was a sentence thrown in there on the off chance with no further consideration, then I don't think they ABU. I would be uncomfortable.

Why? All men are incapable or evil or predatory!

Get a fucking grip!!

CalF123 · 19/05/2018 20:14

This thread really unmasks the hypocrisy and misandry behind feminism. It must be stopped before we end up with dads being banned from school playgrounds.

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