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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not pay them?

308 replies

upsideup · 19/05/2018 17:24

For 11 year old dd's sport there is a big event abroad in the beginning of the summer holidays that she is going to, her friend who also does the sports wanted to go but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

Original plan was for both me and DH to take the girls but we did mention when it was arranged that I was pregnant but that hopefully as long as all went to plan I would be fine going on the trip. I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once because after 4 easy pregnancies I didnt expect this one to be different but it was definately mentioned. I've decided not to go as I feel safer at home, we told them this last week ago and they said it was fine and hoped I got better. DH is still definately okay taking them on his own.

They now have phoned and said now they have thought it over and because we have changed the arrangements that were previously offered that they no longer want their dd to come so are expecting us cover the costs of this. The dd still wants to come, she has phoned my dd today in tears because they have been looking forward to this for months.

AIBU to not pay them anything? The offer to take their dd will stay open, if we were taking away that offer then of course we would pay.

OP posts:

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 18:12

''But it is a rational fear based on much evidence that men are the main instigators of sexual and physical violence.''

yea and how many people do you actually know were abused by their friend's dad?it is alot less common than the media would have us imagine.

OliviaStabler · 19/05/2018 18:15

So they have paid you £1,000 already?

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 18:17

''To be honest if my daughter's friend's parents offered to take her somewhere I would be thinking principally of the mother.
If the mother pulled out, I would be uncomfortable with my daughter being on her own with a dad, instead of a mum and dad.
I am sorry for that. It may not be reasonable but that's how I would feel. Likewise, if they were invited for tea but then only the dad would be there, I would cancel the date. ''

if they were 4 i might see your point here but the fact they are 11 and of secondary school age i wouldn't care.

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 18:21

YADNBU.
Jeez it was a favour to take their DD in the first place, you're not a bloody tour operator! She will still accompanied by a responsible adult, it's not like her 15 year old is taking them or something.

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 18:22

To be honest if my daughter's friend's parents offered to take her somewhere I would be thinking principally of the mother.
If the mother pulled out, I would be uncomfortable with my daughter being on her own with a dad, instead of a mum and dad.
I am sorry for that. It may not be reasonable but that's how I would feel. Likewise, if they were invited for tea but then only the dad would be there, I would cancel the date

That's your choice (which I have to say is a bit bizarre surely your kids have male teachers?) and you're perfectly entitled to make that choice but you can't expect other people to foot the bill for your change of heart. You want out? OK but you've lost your deposit.

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 18:23

''She will still accompanied by a responsible adult''

yea twenty years ago, today you got to remember that men are not to be trusted.

ichifanny · 19/05/2018 18:27

I’d say they need to suck up non refundable costs like tickets etc but if the money is t spent yet it’s only fair to give it back , why else would you keep it ?

BalloonSlayer · 19/05/2018 18:28

I would be hugely insulted that the other family are insinuating your DH is not to be trusted.

This. But also this: If the mother pulled out, I would be uncomfortable with my daughter being on her own with a dad, instead of a mum and dad.

It's a difficult one!

But them asking you to foot the bill is outrageous. My response would be something along the lines of "I am afraid I do not intend to give you £1000 to reinforce your highly insulting opinion that your daughter is not safe in the care of my husband" or something.

Yura · 19/05/2018 18:28

just to say i'm shocked about people not letting kids go to a playdate if "only" dad is around. loads of mums with careers and working fulltime and dads working parttime/being sahd s around here. what an incredibly unfair thing to do.

Pengggwn · 19/05/2018 18:29

I wouldn't start slinging mud about insinuations that your DH is a pervert. They may just not know him as well as you. That isn't unreasonable in and of itself.

gryffen · 19/05/2018 18:31

Sounds like they paid and now want to cancel as you can't manage.

That's not your problem.

You can't go due to issues so THEY want to cancel so they need to sort refund out themselves.

Pay nothing and clearly state it was never set in stone.

Allthebestnamesareused · 19/05/2018 18:33

No travel insurance is not for people who change their mind - to the pp who asked isn't this what travel insurance is for.

Tell them their choice to withdraw her so their loss. You have no contractual obligations to them.

GreenTulips · 19/05/2018 18:34

I don't really understand what the £1000 was for. Not accommodation or food

Where's the money? Did they pay you and you paid for the DD or did they pay directly?

Can they cancel the flights or subscription?

Not sure this is for you to sort !

boilerhouse2007 · 19/05/2018 18:35

''just to say i'm shocked about people not letting kids go to a playdate if "only" dad is around. loads of mums with careers and working fulltime and dads working parttime/being sahd s around here. what an incredibly unfair thing to do.''

sadly i am not, the obsession with this in the past decade has become an obsession. I was driving in a car once with 2 adults- the driver was a man. The male thought he recognised a kid walking to school and just looked at the kid and the female said ''jesus do not stare, you will be accused.'' Not joking.

BlankTimes · 19/05/2018 18:36

There's an adult place available, why don't one of the friend's parents go in your place OP?

TidyDancer · 19/05/2018 18:36

I think you just need to be very unemotional in your response.

"The trip is still on. Your DD still has a place on the trip. It is unfortunate you feel unable to allow her to attend but I will not be reimbursing you. Please let me know if you change your mind by X date and wish for your DD to attend."

Nothing else. If they debate it, repeat the sentiment.

They are cheeky bastards trying their luck.

minimalpatience · 19/05/2018 18:39

Tell them to whistle. You said you could potentially do them a favour subject to your pregnancy. You're not 100%, and husband is still prepared to help them out. With an attitude like (theirs) that I'd revoke the offer that your husband will take her and tell them to make alternative arrangements. Unbelievable.

CalF123 · 19/05/2018 18:42

What a cheeky fucker. I'd be telling her to fuck off and then not facilitating any further discussion.

ichifanny · 19/05/2018 18:43

Am I missing something OP has stated they don’t need to pay for accommodation and food isn’t bought yet so why would you keep the money ?

Fruitcorner123 · 19/05/2018 18:44

Likewise, if they were invited for tea but then only the dad would be there, I would cancel the date.

So if your child made friends with the child of two gay men or a single dad she would never be allowed to have tea at that child's house?

iris96 · 19/05/2018 18:47

you have no contractual obligation to them, you were doing them a favour in the first place really. You do not have to pay and they cannot make you. Twats.

FullOfJellyBeans · 19/05/2018 18:52

Yula I'm also shocked by that, I think it's a rare thing though. There are quite a few SAHDs (or main carer dads who work part time) at my DC's school and I've never heard of anyone having a problem with their kids being under their care on playdates.

Original poster

upsideup · 19/05/2018 18:53

Both parents can't come, I think because of work which is why we were taking her.
We dont have any money from them to give back, they want us to cover costs they will lose by their dd not comming. We won't be.

OP posts:

TheHobbitMum · 19/05/2018 18:54

Unbelievable! Certainly you owe them nothing, I feel sorry for their DD

Starlight2345 · 19/05/2018 18:55

I am assuming money is flights as I can’t think of any event that costs £1,000 entrance but I may be wrong.

How much have you lost op ?

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