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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay them?

308 replies

upsideup · 19/05/2018 17:24

For 11 year old dd's sport there is a big event abroad in the beginning of the summer holidays that she is going to, her friend who also does the sports wanted to go but her parents couldnt take her so we offered to.

Original plan was for both me and DH to take the girls but we did mention when it was arranged that I was pregnant but that hopefully as long as all went to plan I would be fine going on the trip. I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once because after 4 easy pregnancies I didnt expect this one to be different but it was definately mentioned. I've decided not to go as I feel safer at home, we told them this last week ago and they said it was fine and hoped I got better. DH is still definately okay taking them on his own.

They now have phoned and said now they have thought it over and because we have changed the arrangements that were previously offered that they no longer want their dd to come so are expecting us cover the costs of this. The dd still wants to come, she has phoned my dd today in tears because they have been looking forward to this for months.

AIBU to not pay them anything? The offer to take their dd will stay open, if we were taking away that offer then of course we would pay.

OP posts:
hibbledibble · 19/05/2018 18:59

If you have any interest in maintaining a relationship with them (though I could understand why you wouldn't), perhaps suggest they contact the airline to ask about a partial refund? Or try to resell the tickets privately?

minimalpatience · 19/05/2018 19:00

The fact that they can't go because of work isn't your problem. You've generously offered a solution as a favour, and they've thrown it back in your face.

gamerchick · 19/05/2018 19:00

Just tell them that as the offer still stands and their daughter is still welcome to go as arranged if they want to pull out then the costs are on their own head.

Then ignore. This is not a hard text to write and I would get it down in text for future reference.

Rudgie47 · 19/05/2018 19:00

Why cant one of them book the time off work and come?
If not and its the flights where they would lose the money cant they contact the airline and get some type of refund?

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2018 19:01

First of all it wasn't a contract so you aren't in breach of anything. Secondly, the offer for her to go is still open. Either of her parents could go if they're not comfortable with your dh on his own.

zeeboo · 19/05/2018 19:02

They are sexist, over protective muppets. You owe them nothing.

Juells · 19/05/2018 19:05

We dont have any money from them to give back, they want us to cover costs they will lose by their dd not comming. We won't be.

What costs? Flights, that kind of thing? I can't see that you're responsible, they're the ones who changed their minds.

I'd pull out of an arrangement like that as well, I'm afraid - if my 11-year-old was going abroad with a friend and both parents, fair enough. Dad only, no. Similarly to allowing a DD play at a friend's house with only a dad there. I really wouldn't care whether anyone thought I was obsessive or not. Wouldn't happen.

HeebieJeebies456 · 19/05/2018 19:08

they want us to cover costs they will lose by their dd not comming

unbelievably grabby!
i'd send them an identical bill for the mental and emotional energy you invested in including their dc Grin

i'm sure one of them can book annual leave to look after their dc....or pay for childcare or whatever they would have done otherwise

Aprilmightbemynewname · 19/05/2018 19:08

Presumably if they had lived next door to the West's they would have been fine if Rose was home alone then??
I hope you don't continue to have any sort of friendship with someone who holds your dh in such low esteem.

Yukbuck · 19/05/2018 19:10

Really sad the amount of people who wouldn't allow their ELEVEN year old child attend a playdate where dad is present. Gosh I was playing round friends houses with no parents around when I was eleven. Poor kids. Poor dads.

SoupDragon · 19/05/2018 19:10

Juells would you leave a DD in the sole care of her father?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 19/05/2018 19:12

From aged 7 my dd regularly went way with her BFF and her df for weekends +holidays away. No dm present - Shock
Never worried me. And facts I won't reveal I had more reason to mistrust than most.

Juells · 19/05/2018 19:12

continue to have any sort of friendship with someone who holds your dh in such low esteem.

It would have nothing to do with the OP's DH personally. Just a general priniciple, I'd imagine. That's what it would be for me.

Man on his own? No. And I wouldn't care who was insulted. But equally I wouldn't be trying to screw money out of the insulted ones Grin

WhatAMessTheBad · 19/05/2018 19:14

Hmm.

I wonder.

My gut reaction was that I would definitely be ok with my 11 yo DD going for tea with a friend's dad as the sole parent - but I wouldn't let her go abroad just with a friend's dad. I suppose this is partly because (so shoot me) I think mums are generally more au fait with the needs of children generally. Having thought a bit further, my DD has friends whose dads I would trust with their lives, and I would be more than happy for her to go away with said dads and their daughters. All of them are hands-on, competent, lovely dads whom I've known since my children were babies.

If it were a dad I knew less well, though, I'd say no. I might also say the same with a mum I knew less well, or whom I didn't entirely trust to look after my children in the way I'd expect them to be looked after.

Is there any reason why your DH might fall into the latter category, OP?

RhiWrites · 19/05/2018 19:15

“Dear X’s parents, since it is your decision not to send X away, we don’t regard your costs as our responsibility. OP DH name is still happy to chaperone both girls if you change your mind.”

WhatAMessTheBad · 19/05/2018 19:16

I admit this was only casually mentioned and only once

I'm also wondering quite how casually this was mentioned. Very, I suspect.

Juells · 19/05/2018 19:16

@SoupDragon

Juells would you leave a DD in the sole care of her father?

We were divorced, and he was married again. Leaving a child with a stranger is a completely different kettle of fish. Others are free to do what they want, everyone has to make choices for their own children. But, as I said, not expect others to pay for their choices.

SoupDragon · 19/05/2018 19:18

Leaving a child with a stranger is a completely different kettle of fish.

Yes it is. Statistically an abuser is more likely to be a parent or parent’s partner.

Im not sure what divorce and remarriage has to do with it.

SoupDragon · 19/05/2018 19:23

Whilst I know that my DD will face prejudice due to her sex, I find it abhorrent that my sons will automatically be assumed to be sexual predators due to theirs.

chavtasticfirebanger · 19/05/2018 19:23

I think what has happened is that the OP has said something along the lines of 'yeah we'll look after her while she's there, that's unless my pregnancy causes problems but won't happen as I've had four lol'
meaning the friend's parents were like 'ok they're both going'.
I presume you are the friend of the other mum, if so your being present would have been an assumed given. If you don't really know the other couple then the situation is slightly different. What I would have done as the friend's parents (mum) was specify exactly who was going, and the condition would be that you were the carer, and if you weren't going my daughter wasn't. That way no misunderstanding, no offending, just clear rules.

TheMeganMarkle · 19/05/2018 19:26

I think you needed to be clearer. Have they met your dh? Offer to pay for a dbs check for your dh?

flashnazia · 19/05/2018 19:27

I would also feel uncomfortable if an overnight trip was planned with a mum going and the dad has to go instead. I would not want to risk it.

expatinscotland · 19/05/2018 19:28

Oh, fuck them off! CFers!

'Just above £1000 but they have said they will work out the exact figure for us!'

Tell them now: 'We will not be compensating you or giving you any money. It is your decision for her not to go. Please don't ask for money again because none is forthcoming.'

The end.

Juells · 19/05/2018 19:29

Im not sure what divorce and remarriage has to do with it.

If you're divorced you don't have a choice about your children to staying with their Dad, it's a completely different scenario to let your child go off to another country with a strange man. I'm surprised it would even be allowed, would there not be a hold-up at passport control, when it's seen the child isn't his daughter? Wouldn't there be trafficking fears?

chavtasticfirebanger · 19/05/2018 19:31

I think offering a DBS check is ridiculous. It isn't that they are accusing him. They just don't feel it's appropriate. They are different things. A clear DBS won't make a difference.
I think most mothers of girls would feel the same if they were honest about it.
I am also a mother of boys and don't think this worries me about them being seen as abusers. It is just common sense.