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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call MIL and say actually no dh cant help you tomorrow?

275 replies

NapQueen · 18/05/2018 08:54

Mils friend is moving into hers at some point, I assume over this weekend. Dh has text this morning to say he is helping mil and her friend move friends sofa to mils house tomorrow and will be collected at 9
45am.

Couple of issues with this, side from the fact it presumes I am ok with then having the kids (3 & 6) while he does it.

Tomorrow is my birthday. A couple of months ago I asked dh if he would entertain ds (3) out somewhere from 10ish to 2ish so I could have a couple of girlfriends round to watch the royal wedding. I have a 6yo dd who wants to watch it and a friend is bringing her dd (6) too.

Ds is 3 and couldnt give a hoot, nor could dh, about the wedding. Dh is very hands on always taking the kids places like I do, and has been thinking what to do just him and ds. Ive checked sporadically that he is still ok with the plan. We will have breakfast together as a family for my birthday and i will spend time with ds tomorrow afternoon after the wedding is over.

So now dh is going back on his commitment to me to go and help move furniture. At the exact time we have plans. Why not saturday afternoon? Sunday? Why not ask me if its ok to change our plans? Why present it to me as a done deal?

I know he isnt planning on taking ds (not that that would be a sensible idea whilst heavy furniture is being carted about) as mil is collecting him, rather than him going in our car.

I text back immediatley asking what was happening with ds no reply. Quickly rang and no reply. He is now at work until lunchbreak with no access to his phone and i am fuming.

Had he not been able or prepared to take ds out I would have made alternative plans!

OP posts:
crispysausagerolls · 18/05/2018 10:42

If OP's birthday plans consisted of her wallowing in bed for 24 hours, covered in sprinkles and binge-eating doughnuts they are still her birthday plans, DH agreed to them and needs to stick to the plan. Why people are being judgemental arseholes about this I really don't know. She's entitled to want a few DS free hours, and since this plan was made first and she's the wife it trumps the needs of MIL's FRIEND (not even MIL herself). Have a great day OP.

MirriVan · 18/05/2018 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AnnieOH1 · 18/05/2018 10:44

I haven't rtft but could it be that he's planning a surprise and this is just a silly ruse to get out the house for a bit?

bearbehind · 18/05/2018 10:44

thetriangle, did you read the thread title?

OP was all for ringing MIL and probably would have done if her husband hadn't text her back in the mean time.

nottwins · 18/05/2018 10:47

Is it wrong that all I've taken from this thread is the genius idea of spending a birthday in bed, covered in sprinkles and binge eating doughnuts??

bearbehind · 18/05/2018 10:47

I tend to agree posting threads on here is a bit pointless but for different reasons.

If someone posts a thread saying 'shall I do X' it seems half the replies are about the actual question and the other half are from people who manage to read in that the OP never had any intention of doing X.

blueskyinmarch · 18/05/2018 10:49

MN has become a really horrible place these days. People cannot wait to to pile in on posters and pick them apart for no reason.

OP you are right to be cross. It is about being listened to and respected and your DH has done neither. I hope you get it sorted out and have a lovely birthday with your friend.

A4710Rider · 18/05/2018 10:50

To call MIL and say actually no dh cant help you tomorrow

She never had any intention?

maxthemartian · 18/05/2018 10:53

FFS the point is that she and her DH had an arrangement and he let her down. There are also undertones of her being the "default parent" which doesn't seem to have been picked up on.

Why all the spite?

A4710Rider · 18/05/2018 10:55

FFS, the point is that she was being precious. Fancy wanting to call the MIL to tell her "actually, he can't help you" Who does that?

The undertones I got from the post are that the DH is actually a good DH.

LightDrizzle · 18/05/2018 10:55

Glad it’s sorted! I get why you were frustrated with DH.

Trinity66 · 18/05/2018 10:56

FFS the point is that she and her DH had an arrangement and he let her down. There are also undertones of her being the "default parent" which doesn't seem to have been picked up on.

Why all the spite?

Totally agree with this. YANBU op, glad it's sorted now anyway

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 18/05/2018 10:58

she may well have had the intention of doing it in the moment she posted because she was understandably upset... but she didnt do it in the end did she? So why are people being so mean still?

I think its a pretty normal impulse considering she had been completely ignored... its normal to be hurt and want someone to have to acknowledge that you actually did have plans!
Its also normal to then calm down and realise that would have been a bit over the top.... which happened in the end and its gotten sorted.

So I do not understand people calling the OP a drama queen for having had a perfectly normal emotional reaction to something but not actually following through on it after calming down. Surely everyone does this? Who are all these people that dont get angry when someone hurts them? Its not like the OP actually rang the MIL or that she was even angry with the MIL herself. She was just upset and looking for a way to make sure her plans were respected.

And yes I am too emotionally invested in this thread!
I just get the rage sometimes when I feel ive been completely negated so I can totally relate. Its an awful feeling, my family used to do it to me all the time. Completely ignore things they had said to me, times dates etc... it gets to you. It implies you dont matter and your plans are worth less than anyone elses. Its natural to have an angry reaction, what matters is how you then handle that.

To say the emotional reaction itself is precious is pretty shit tbh. I think its perfectly understandable..... even if actually ringing the MIL would have not been a good idea.

crispysausagerolls · 18/05/2018 10:58

FFS, the point is that she was being precious. Fancy wanting to call the MIL to tell her "actually, he can't help you" Who does that?

It would be fairly easy to call up in a polite and friendly manner to say "Darling MIL, silly DH has completely forgotten that tomorrow is my birthday! I'm sure he will be mortified to let you down, but we already have plans - perhaps he can help you on Sunday?"

I don't see how that's precious? It's probably more embarrassing for DH to have to call his own mother and renage on the agreement of helping her/admit he overlooked his wife's birthday.

dontquotemeondailymail · 18/05/2018 10:59

This post has made me laugh so much... it sums up mumsnet perfectly Confused

OP, happy birthday for tomorrow!

I also want to watch the wedding, and my husband and 3yr old would be bored rigid. So yes, I'm also sending them packing for a few hours so I can watch it in peace. Later in the day the FA Cup is on and my husband wants to watch it so I'll then take my son out somewhere so that he doesn't get in the way. Perfect compromises!!

PugwallsSummer · 18/05/2018 10:59

YWNBU. Your DH was thoughtless and presuming she knew it was your birthday so was your MIL. The sofa could be moved at any time during the weekend, or even Friday evening - absolutely no reason to interfere with your birthday plans. Glad you got it sorted.

And for what it's worth, your plans sound perfect to me. Friends, a royal wedding, cakes & tea. What's not to love?! Enjoy yourself.

HoppingPavlova · 18/05/2018 11:00

YANBU however it’s up to your DH to tell his mum he can’t do it. It would be very strange for you to do it.

timeisnotaline · 18/05/2018 11:01

She didn’t ring her mil!! She was venting because basically her dp forgot or decided her birthday plans didn’t matter. You shouldn’t need a bloody family calendar for your dp to remember your birthday and anything they’ve committed to for it and if they don’t it’s hurtful. It’s not like he was that apologetic- he said it would take 20 mins when if he used 2 of his at least 3 brain cells he’d know that’s completely not true. He didn’t bother because he didn’t think the ops plans mattered as they weren’t his cup of tea.

A4710Rider · 18/05/2018 11:01

but not actually following through

So what was the point of creating the thread?

I've thought about calling the mother in law to tell her "actually he can't help you tomorrow" but I'm probably not going to call her as that's a bit daft so I'm just having a whinge about nothing really

Would have been a better thread title.

The problem is, a lot of posters on MN think, without reason, that as soon as a DH is accused of acting ever so slightly unreasonable everyone is going to agree with them. Thankfully people can think for themselves.

FindoGask · 18/05/2018 11:05

"Oh grow up. Your husband is doing something helpful for his mother which shouldn't take that long and you are put out because it might interfere with your birthday plans which consist of being at home and watching the TV! I am sure you and the other adults you have invited over can manage one 3yo between you for an hour or so."

Yes, this. You're basically watching telly right? Can't the 3 year old play with some toys or chum along with his dad if need be?

halcyondays · 18/05/2018 11:09

The point is op wants to be able to relax and watch the wedding in peace , not entertain a bored 3 year old who doesn't want to watch it. And not all 3 year olds will sit placidly playing with toys. Anyway he is going with his dad now, isn't he?

Astella22 · 18/05/2018 11:12

Gosh so many nasty replies OP - I hope you are ignoring them.

Why should it matter what you want to do on your birthday, I don't get the "its only watching TV" mantra, so what if its only watching TV, its what you want to do on your bday and I can imagine running around after a 3 year old isn't part of it.
The fact is you made plans and you DH without consultation just ignored them. He could of suggested the alternative time himself but didn't - I wonder if its anything to do with the football final on tomorrow afternoon maybe.

Astella22 · 18/05/2018 11:12

so in short YANBU

MrsDilber · 18/05/2018 11:15

He's going with his dad. All sorted. Mil gets her sofa moved in and can carry on moving her friend in, op gets her birthday plans back in track.

Treaclepie19 · 18/05/2018 11:19

I'm not sure why you're getting these responses either. It's my birthday tomorrow too and if DH had done this I'd be really upset.
Hope you have a lovely day!