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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call MIL and say actually no dh cant help you tomorrow?

275 replies

NapQueen · 18/05/2018 08:54

Mils friend is moving into hers at some point, I assume over this weekend. Dh has text this morning to say he is helping mil and her friend move friends sofa to mils house tomorrow and will be collected at 9
45am.

Couple of issues with this, side from the fact it presumes I am ok with then having the kids (3 & 6) while he does it.

Tomorrow is my birthday. A couple of months ago I asked dh if he would entertain ds (3) out somewhere from 10ish to 2ish so I could have a couple of girlfriends round to watch the royal wedding. I have a 6yo dd who wants to watch it and a friend is bringing her dd (6) too.

Ds is 3 and couldnt give a hoot, nor could dh, about the wedding. Dh is very hands on always taking the kids places like I do, and has been thinking what to do just him and ds. Ive checked sporadically that he is still ok with the plan. We will have breakfast together as a family for my birthday and i will spend time with ds tomorrow afternoon after the wedding is over.

So now dh is going back on his commitment to me to go and help move furniture. At the exact time we have plans. Why not saturday afternoon? Sunday? Why not ask me if its ok to change our plans? Why present it to me as a done deal?

I know he isnt planning on taking ds (not that that would be a sensible idea whilst heavy furniture is being carted about) as mil is collecting him, rather than him going in our car.

I text back immediatley asking what was happening with ds no reply. Quickly rang and no reply. He is now at work until lunchbreak with no access to his phone and i am fuming.

Had he not been able or prepared to take ds out I would have made alternative plans!

OP posts:
Chewbecca · 18/05/2018 10:02

YANBU to remind DH of your plans and get him to change them to later in the day/weekend or to ask him to take DS with him.

YABU to be fuming and raging about it - it is a very easily sortable minor problem without any 'telling off' or raging required.

MsGameandWatching · 18/05/2018 10:02

I never start threads on MN anymore. This thread is why. Full of mean twats.

I get you OP and agree with your point that if this was an evening plan everyone would agree, it's no different just because it's during the day. Presumably you've been excited about it and probably don't often get to do stuff for yourself without having to accommodate others first, now here you are having to juggle it around and accommodate someone else's new plan. I'd be a bit pissed off too.

Nanny0gg · 18/05/2018 10:03

See the spiteful comments have been appearing.

Would you actually talk to someone like that in RL?

Glad you've got it sorted OP. Enjoy your day.

Original poster
NapQueen · 18/05/2018 10:06

Some of the posts on here are hilarious and have actually put a big old smile on my face.

Op makes plans, dh messes with them without consultation. Ergo Op is a princess who micromanages all aspects of family life, is selfish and overly dramatic and poor dh who cant eveb breathe without permission GrinGrin

You guys!

OP posts:
bearbehind · 18/05/2018 10:06

But the fact is the OP isn't having to juggle her plans at all. Nothing has changed now.

I don't understand the drama about wanting to call MIL because she couldn't get hold of DH when it was clearly only a matter of waiting until lunch time to speak to him at worst.

Nikephorus · 18/05/2018 10:06

Your husband is doing something helpful for his mother which shouldn't take that long and you are put out because it might interfere with your birthday plans which consist of being at home and watching the TV! I am sure you and the other adults you have invited over can manage one 3yo between you for an hour or so.
This ^^. If you were going out to celebrate then fine, but when you're going to be there with one child watching tv then I can't see the problem with DH nipping out to move a sofa and then coming back, picking DS up & going out as planned (or taking DS along for MIL to watch). But have a nice birthday!

NoodleKT · 18/05/2018 10:13

Geez some of you guys!
I'm with you OP, it was thoughtless of him to agree to this and assuming he could leave DS with you despite your plans!
Glad it's sorted, happy birthday for tomorrow :)

TomRavenscroft · 18/05/2018 10:17

your birthday plans which consist of being at home and watching the TV!

Oh just fuck off. How spiteful.

Lizzie48 · 18/05/2018 10:18

I do understand the frustration, though I can't imagine getting worked up about the Royal Wedding, though my DDs are very excited about it. (If it was the Wimbledon men's final, I'd really understand. Grin)

I do sometimes get frustrated by my DH forgetting things I've planned and double booking, he would also say, 'Remind me what your plans are.' It's frustrating, because I often feel that he doesn't listen to me. But I don't see it as something to create a big drama about.

Re the birthday issue, yes it was insensitive of him, but he is taking your DS with him, so it won't affect you at all. And being angry with your MIL was very unfair as it wasn't her fault.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 18/05/2018 10:20

Obviously everyone who doesnt understand 'the drama' does not know what it feels like to be completely ignored!

I get the rage when youve spoken to people and agreed with them a course of action but they then do whatever they want without even running it by you... it gives you the rage because of the emotional implication that you and your time and requests simply do not matter.... and to just assume that you will make no fuss and just change your plans, carries the implication that you are the least important person in the entire scenario. Coupled with this being on the OPs birthday which is supposedly a day to celebrate the OP... well I can see how that would make this even more hurtful....

So it may not be the calm patient thing to do but I can really see why the OP got upset enough to consider calling the MIL when she couldnt get through to her partner.

Its the principle of the matter and the hurt of being essentially ignored. When you ask something of someone who supposedly loves you for four hours out of one day in the year and then they just arrange to do something else at that exact time.... thats pretty shitty. Id have been just as livid tbh. Even though its been easily rectified and its not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life.... id still have been temporarily livid.
I really dont understand all the mean replies on this thread!! I cant think of many people who would not have been hurt by this in real life.

bearbehind · 18/05/2018 10:20

It is interesting that those who post to moan about responses from people who disagree with the OP are far more rude than anything else anyone has said.

'Mean twats' and 'oh just fuck off'

Nice Hmm

Original poster
NapQueen · 18/05/2018 10:23

Can I just clarify here I feel no negative feelings towards mil. I dont for one second blame her. She asked. He said yes. I wouldnt call to complain or whatever. Just to clarify that dh isnt free.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 18/05/2018 10:23

*But the fact is the OP isn't having to juggle her plans at all. Nothing has changed now.

I don't understand the drama about wanting to call MIL because she couldn't get hold of DH when it was clearly only a matter of waiting until lunch time to speak to him at worst.*

All of this it wasn't the situation i was talking about but the drama that the OP had created she had worked herself upinto a tizz for nothing btw I don't think your princessy for having birthday plans etc etc but jeezo calm down the sky didn't fall in.

bearbehind · 18/05/2018 10:24

I get the annoyance at being ignored thetriangle I just think its madness the OPs reaction was to ring her MIL and tell her that her DH couldn't do what she wanted.

Can you image if the roles were reversed; if a husband called his MIL to insist her daughter couldn't do something for her mother because it interfered with his plans there would be utter outrage.

A4710Rider · 18/05/2018 10:26

Can you image if the roles were reversed; if a husband called his MIL to insist her daughter couldn't do something for her mother because it interfered with his plans there would be utter outrage

Yep.

A4710Rider · 18/05/2018 10:27

Op makes plans, dh messes with them without consultation. Ergo Op is a princess who micromanages all aspects of family life, is selfish and overly dramatic and poor dh who cant eveb breathe without permission

Yep.

WeShouldOpenABar · 18/05/2018 10:29

That wasn't the ops reaction though, someone else suggested it Hmm

AnnieAnoniMouser · 18/05/2018 10:30

😂🤣

It’s an alternative universe in here.

Of course YANBU. Your DH needs to wind his brain up a gear. No way is it going to take 20mins when the trip there takes 20mins AND he agreed to have DS, so whether he helped MIL or not would have been immaterial if HE had taken that into account.

Still, all sorted now & hopefully he will engage his brain next time.

Asking ‘What were the plans for your birthday again’ is quite hurtful actually, it shows how little he cares about it being a nice day for you. I hope he understands that now.

A few friends over for lunch & to have the Royal Wedding on sounds quite a nice way to spend part of your birthday to me. I mean, not all of us have the money to take a private plane to the Caribbean or whatever it was some other posters thought you ‘should’ be doing on your birthday...

HateSummer · 18/05/2018 10:31

A royal wedding, on your actual birthday, is a one off event. Good on you OP for having a bit of fun with it.

I don’t know why this made me laugh! 😂🤣...

OP, just pack the 3 year old off with him when he goes and tell him to take your car if mil’s is full of boxes. It’s not hard moving furniture with a 3 year old, we had to do it with a 4 and 3 year old last year and they’re pretty good at following orders. A toddler would be another story.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 18/05/2018 10:34

This is exactly why I no longer start threads on MN.

TheMaddHugger · 18/05/2018 10:36

Happy Birthday for Tomorrow @NapQueen (((((((Madd Hugs)))))

To call MIL and say actually no dh cant help you tomorrow?
A4710Rider · 18/05/2018 10:36

I think the fact that you wanted to phone the MIL, a full day before the event, before speaking to your husband is why people are giving you a hard time.

It's precious behaviour.

Lizzie48 · 18/05/2018 10:39

I think the fact that you wanted to phone the MIL, a full day before the event, before speaking to your husband is why people are giving you a hard time.

This exactly. That was after all the thread title.

bearbehind · 18/05/2018 10:41

I think the fact that you wanted to phone the MIL, a full day before the event, before speaking to your husband is why people are giving you a hard time.

Exactly!

It's perfectly reasonable to be annoyed that the situation arose.

It's very, very unreasonable to ring you MIL to change the plans on behalf of your husband just because you can't speak to him for a couple of hours.

thetriangleisarealinstrument · 18/05/2018 10:42

But she didnt ring the MIL... she just was upset and felt like ringing the MIL... thats totally different! Idve felt like ringing the MIL, im sure a lot of people would.