To not want MiL to drink while babysitting

[PineappleRelish]

My MiL looks after DD(2.5) once a week while I’m at work. She will send pictures to show what they’re up to, and I noticed in the most recent an empty bottle of wine and two glasses on the table. She was meeting her friend for lunch and they had a bottle between them, whilst she’s looking after her granddaughter.

One glass might be ok, I suppose, but half a bottle seems like a lot. When I mentioned it to DP, he said that it was ok because she drinks a lot normally so half a bottle isn’t a lot for her!

AIBU to be really cross that she’s had that much whilst in charge of my little one?

@Jaxhog OP admitted her and her husband drink on a Friday night so the "emergency" point is well..pointless and hypocritical.

She had a glass and a half by pub/restaurant measures if she had half a bottle, and she was having lunch with a friend, if she was drinking at home alone with your DC in the middle of the day I'd be a little concerned for her. I don't know anyone who'd be drunk on that and I drink about once a week/fortnight and usually share a bottle of wine with DH unless we're out for a special occasion or something (obviously when I'm not pregnant) . She's not your child minder she's not at work and you've just said you do the same thing with DH on a Friday night. It's no different

I suppose it is hypocritical as we would have a bottle between us on a Friday evening.

So what's the difference?

Icantcope - then pay for any childcare you need. If you have asked someone to help you then you don't get to order them about. Or they will tell you to fuck off, and that is entirely reasonable of them.

Jax, RTFT. There's no driving involved, ever, they're in London.

@PineappleRelish have you seen MIL yet? If you wouldn't have seen the pic could you tell she has had a drink?

I don’t think it’s entitlement to ask someone not to get drunk whilst looking after your kids...

Yes it is if you aren't paying her

What you should do is not let her look after your child unless you pay her - then you call the shots

Otherwise you're being entitled

'don’t think it’s entitlement to ask someone not to get drunk whilst looking after your kids...'

I doubt she was 'drunk'

She's looking after your dc, clearly not driving I'm sorry but I think a glass of wine is acceptable

Pay for childcare if you want to call the shots.

You don't pay her?

Then you don't make the rules.

My dp did the pick up so I don’t know.

'I suppose it is hypocritical as we would have a bottle between us on a Friday evening.'

What you do this with your dc in the house

Damn hypocritical I'd say

*If you pay her, then you're entitled to ask her not to drink. If you're using her as free childcare, then she's entitled to tell you to fuck off.

Honestly, I cannot believe the irritating level of entitlement people on MN have about their free childcare.*

Exactly this.

People who are lucky enough to get free childcare and then moan about it get on my wick.

375 mls (half a bottle) is anything between 4 and 7 units of alcohol, depending on the strength of the wine. You've been in charge of your children with that much inside you (just because they're in bed, doesn't mean you're not in charge), so you kind of know it's OK when it's you, but it's an additional layer of worry when you're leaving the children in someone else's care. It's not completely rational, and yes, it's a double standard, but I can get why you're uneasy. But I think you might have to suck it up, or risk offending your MIL. Why don't you have another childcare option? Can't another one be bought? And then you get to call the shots about what happens while that person, in your hire, is looking after your child.

We would have a bottle of wine when the kids are in bed, but not in the middle of the day when we’ve got to look after them. Mainly because I’d be asleep...

But you're still looking after them. What if they're sick in the night, for example, or need changing? Surely you still get up and go to them, and are capable of doing so.

I do pay for childcare on the other days I’m at work and I work weekends too so dp looks after her then. This is the only way we can financially make it work at the moment. I understand she’s helping us out and I am appreciative (we do a lot for them too) but I was just uneasy at the thought.

Sorry to ask OP, but are you maybe a bit pissed off, that you're at work while MIL is spending time with your DD, enjoying lunch and a few glasses of wine? Is it a missing out thing?

That’s a tough one. I don’t think I’d like it tbh... maybe one glass is ok but to share a bottle definitely affects most people. Getting public transport in London would probably worry me more because of the escalators etc!
She is offering childcare for free but when it’s grandparents if it’s just one day a week it’s also something that they tend to love too so the fact it helps us out is win win! Because of that I don’t think it should mean that as the mother we can’t object to things they might do or decisions they make. The child is ultimately ours!
Can you tell I’m responding from personal MIL experience

I agree with you Pineapple, I think it’s irresponsible to drink half a bottle of wine when you’re looking after someone else’s children. The point of whether or not you’re paying her is irrelevant.
You’ll be shouted down on here though 😂
Stick to your guns girl!

Hang on, you say you don't want her getting drunk, you think it's a lot of alcohol but then say you and your husband drink the same amount, half a bottle each whilst in charge of your daughter. But you're saying it's fine if it's in the evening but not during the day? Are you having a laugh?

You're just wanting to have a go at her. She clearly wouldn't have been inebriated after half a bottle if she drinks regularly, and you can't say it's ok for uou to do it, it's ok for your husband to do it, bit not her. That's just nuts.

Just be honest, you want to have a go at her so are reaching to find something. Sadly you picked the wrong thing. Because uou picked something you do. And regularly.

I wouldn’t like this.

Also the comments about having to accept whatever because it’s unpaid childcare aren’t quite right - I imagine the MIL enjoys the time with a grandchild, it’s not quite a free business transaction.

Because of that, I imagine MIL could be upset if you said you’re going to end the arrangement, so it’s tricky. It wouldn’t be acceptable for me though.

MarthasGinYard That obvious?!

'The point of whether or not you’re paying her is irrelevant.'

Of course it is. You don't get to order people around when they're doing you a favour. If you don't find what they do acceptable, then you make other arrangements.

I wouldn’t like it but wouldn’t say anything if she does provide free childcare and doesn’t have a drink habit. My husband’s relative offered to look after our baby for free one day a week, but I know that they have a bit of a drink problem so we pay for nursery instead. It’s expensive but otherwise I would worry myself sick. The relative still watches our toddler every now and again if we want to go out for a meal etc., but this is just for a few hours and usually in the afternoon and there are others in the house then too. It’s a tricky one as they are adults and can do what they want with their lives and I shouldn’t judge, but my child’s safety always comes first.

My mum was saying that when we were young she used to hate our nan (her mother-in-law) watching us as she would always be off her face. She used to send my auntie to watch over us all to make sure we were ok. That must have been awful for my mum.