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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 16/05/2018 15:17

Any man who doesn’t take financial responsibility for his baby is a piece of shit.

OP take a look to see how much money you’d get through CMS for your baby if you split up now.

He sounds worse the more you post.

Motherofallbeasts · 16/05/2018 15:40

That phrase "we don't have to be like other people" has really pissed me off!! I keep thinking of you OP. You're 26! Please don't settle for this shit.

alreadytaken · 16/05/2018 15:48

You dont have to be like everyone else - next time he says that say yes, but we dont have to be worse either.

For the one year old nephew make a nice card with an apology for not having money for a present.

You are 26, if he hasnt grown up now he probably isnt going to do so but you have plenty of time to find someone better. Do you have family you could go to?

DotForShort · 16/05/2018 15:50

To reiterate what PPs have said: return to full time work ASAP. Your child will be absolutely fine in good quality childcare. Sacrificing your career prospects would not be a wise move under these circumstances (under most circumstances, really, but that’s a discussion for another day). And then beat a hasty retreat from this man. He isn’t really your partner, as he clearly doesn’t view you as an equal.

You’re only 26. You really do have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t waste another moment with such an unpleasant, inflexible person.

Tiredspice2 · 16/05/2018 15:53

He is a disgusting man. Sorry, OP but why are you still with him?

R2G · 16/05/2018 15:55

YANBU at all. Tell him to get himself in future.

Coyoacan · 16/05/2018 16:05

If you’re going to split, sooner the better. My friend separated from her selfish prick of a husband (due to his affair) when their baby was 12m old. 12 years later she’s remarried with another child and DS1 can’t remember living with his dad

Yes, your life, your choice, but if you are staying together because of y our child, you are not doing him any favours. I was four when my father left and don't remember anything different. My older siblings WERE badly affected.

snewname · 16/05/2018 16:08

Good point about the child taking it harder, the older they are.

RavenLG · 16/05/2018 16:17

God I'd hate to be with a tightarse twat like this.

It's not about who earns more, and 'your money' it's about coming together as a family unit imo, he doesn't want to be a family unit and sharing life together. I could not be with a cunt man like this.

SickofPeterRabbit · 16/05/2018 16:22

@SakuraBlossom Absolute rubbish!!!!!!

Not all men have cash stashed and a decent income! Some men live month to month! Also, not all women look to live off a man!

As for 'choosing' when to have a child...Sometimes contraception fails!

Your comment is misguided and offensive!!!!!

Nodancingshoes · 16/05/2018 16:35

You have a child together - you need to sort out the money situation. It is simply not fair. When I had our children, I had to cut my hours at work. Now all our money is shared - we are a family and this is how it should be! I had a significant inheritance in the bank when I met DH. He has since received an inheritance. Again, this is our money as a family.

Huskylover1 · 16/05/2018 16:41

What a total tight arsehole. He doesn't care if you are skint? He should really transfer you some cash, regardless of the nephew's present. Most decent people, don't like to think that their Partner is struggling, especially if they have loads in the Bank.

And...and....and....you were going to DO HIM A FAVOUR!!

Answer : don't buy anything, let him do it. If you suck it up and do the chore of shopping and paying for it, you are setting a dangerous precedent.

Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage

^^ so, you've taken a dip in wages, but you don't share money...so YOU have been massively financially disadvantaged by having a child, and HE hasn't been financially disadvantaged at all....and yet, YET.... the child is equally yours...I'd go so far as to say, that this is financial abuse.

Once you have a child, and one person takes a back seat career wise, and salary wise, it is essential that finances are pooled and shared, so that no-one is worse off, for having started a family.

I'd be re-thinking the whole relationship, tbh.

flumpybear · 16/05/2018 16:51

What's your job? Can you potentially out earn him? I'd be livid. He's totally out of order

In my house we both work full time and I earn 3x more than DH and we split bills and shopping etc fairly according to our income. We have our own savings and own accounts as well as a joint bills account, I pay for family life/shopping etc - nobody goes without and it's a fair balancing act and share - my Savings albeit are in my name are for us - wonder how he'd be when it comes to you getting more than him say inheritance or lottery win?!
WinkHmm

Rapunzel15 · 16/05/2018 17:34

LTB! Youre a family and there shouldnt be a mine and yours. How can he watch you struggle while hes got loads in the bank and then refuse to give you some for anything, let alone for HIS DNs present when you use your money for your family. I would suggest you have a discussion about this and if hes not willing to share then make sure you tell CMS about all his savings

jessicasmummy04 · 16/05/2018 17:42

Financially im sooo much better off without him and in every out aspect of life.. i actually got one after i left him!

Apart from the finances and other selfish traits of his the main reason i let is because i did not want our DD to think that what we "HAD" was a normal relationship. I was so unhappy and had no life at all outside the home.

I left with nothing apart from mine and my DD clothes and bits as he owned everything but i got a lovely two bed flat and furnished it and gave my daughter a home and i dont regret it one bit.. i stayed for 3 unhappy years hoping things would change and our DD is sooo much happier and she has a great relationship with her Dad and we co-parent great.

I would just tell him that if things cannot be FAIR then you have no choice but to leave.

ConciseandNice · 16/05/2018 17:48

Your post has made me really upset. It’s so awful that you even need to ask if he is being unreasonable. He’s not a decent person. A decent person doesn’t act like this with anyone let alone someone they’re in a relationship with and the parent of their child. It’s truly dreadful and neglectful and financial abuse.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 17:52

I can promise you I try and speak about money / our situation at least on a weekly basis.
I end up repeating myself, he gives me one worded answers and I go round in circles. I don't know how else to word it all, and end up sounding like a broken record and getting myself upset.
I moved out of the area I worked in to live with DP, it would take a little time to re train (without outing myself too much) and start building up a network in that field again. But not impossible, mostly I would miss the time I currently have with DS but like you all say. The longer I'm out I can totally see how much harder it will be for me to get back in.

OP posts:
Furano · 16/05/2018 17:54

Oh my god this relationship is fucked up.

I’m ALL for 50/50 pre kids but this is bad times. He’s using you as cheap household labour.

Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 17:55

OP - you said in one of your earlier posts that when you've discussed finances with him, the dialogue has ended up with you getting distressed, crying etc. I'm not surprised. I think anyone who feels vulnerable and powerless would cry. HOWEVER, I also think bizarrely when this happens, some men, quite wrongly, use this as a justification to retain a tight hold on the purse strings.....
I think you need to try your very hardest to be really calm and assertive. State your case, the blatant unfairness of it, the stress it causes you financially and emotionally and say you want mediation with him.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 17:55

jesicasmummy That's a very similar situation to what I'm probably most worried about. I would leave with absolutely nothing. Just the clothes. None of the assets are mine.

How do I look into what sort of CM I would get?

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 17:57

What field were you in Pre-child? You are young! Trust me, that's a big plus for you!!!

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 17:58

Mediation is a good suggestion tinkobell I will suggest it.
It's so difficult to not get upset because it really is at the forefront of my every day. So when I try and talk it's like a mountain of emotion and what I've been building up to say all spills out x

OP posts:
Motherofallbeasts · 16/05/2018 17:58

How about a conversation that starts
"Your refusal to financially provide for your own child is disgusting, but now you seem to be expecting to provide gifts for your nephew as well. What is the matter with you?"

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 17:58

I think I would be really outing myself if I said which field.
Management but in a specialised area.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 18:03

AH big virtual hugs! 💐 Be assertive. State your position. If he says bog off, nothing's changed start to think about what you can do....any family etc you could turn to temporarily? The DP thinks your beholden to him. Not nice. Start optioning girl. If sure career wise, with support, you'd be fine.