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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 13:34

Is your DS 1 yet? If not - change his bloody surname to yours!!

crunchymint · 16/05/2018 13:36

Have you told him you would be better off financially as a single parent? And you can work out how much maintenance he would have to pay online. You could say to him that you don't see a point in being in a relationship where you are worse off than if you were single?

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 13:39

I have looked into leaving him, and what my circumstances would be, and I would be 100% better off financially, however the guilt takes over of breaking up the family.

What fucking family?! He's not on your side. That means he's not on your son's side either. He's looking after No 1 - the people that matter to him -ie HIMSELF.

His answer is as long as we're together then I don't need to know whats in his accounts and so forth as he will never see me and DS without.

Yes he fucking would, in a heartbeat if he moved on. Or rather, he wants to make damn sure that he keeps total control of what should be family money so that if you do split, he gets the option to decide what it suits him to give. Could be nothing if you don't behave yorself, eh.

So your answer to that should be - not good enough. Yep, I do need to not only see what's in the accounts but have them shared, equally, or I'm out. Let me know what you decide while I dig those bags out again...

FizzyGreenWater · 16/05/2018 13:40

I think I know deep down it's coming soon.

Flowers good. Good for you xxx

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 13:40

lannieduck I would really out myself by putting the extra reasons.
We weren't living together when I fell pregnant.

His answer was when the baby comes and I'm on maternity pay I wouldn't have to contribute towards mortgage or bills until I went back to work. But that he asked I pay for the baby, nappies, milk etc out of maternity pay. Baby groups, fuel, anything basically I did with the baby for the 9 months. And obviously I had my own bills like car insurance, contract etc.

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 16/05/2018 13:41

He's crap in bed too. Mean men always are.

Mean with money, mean with love.

Brakebackcyclebot · 16/05/2018 13:44

this is my biggest fear, never finding happiness – I won’t say ‘again’ as I’m clearly not happy now

OP, how old are you, if I may ask? I am 46, and found happiness again 4 years ago, after a divorce. My neighbour's daughter is 60, and has just moved into her own home after a very acrimonious divorce, and is at last happy again.

Are you going to find happiness with this man? 100% being miserable with him, as against the chance of looking for happiness within yourself and then maybe finding someone who really values you? You say that you're not happy now, so choosing to stay with this man is making your fear of not being happy a reality every day.

I have looked into leaving him, and what my circumstances would be, and I would be 100% better off financially, however the guilt takes over of breaking up the family

You would be 100% better off emotionally too after a while. Your DS would also be better off emotionally without the model that your DP is showing him right now. What sort of man would you like DS to grow into? Not one like your DP, I imagine!

Have a think about why you would feel guilty about breaking up the family. Can you reframe this, and think of it differently? How proud could you feel that you have taken DS from this situation? How proud of yourself?

I asked my DSs the other day what effect they felt our divorce had had on them. I am a firm believer that separation or splitting up a family does not have to have a detrimental effect on kids. If a child is being removed from a situation that is abusive, or making a parent deeply deeply unhappy, then that has to be positive. Just think what a different life you could offer your DS if YOU were happy.

Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 13:44

I think propose Relate counselling as a calmer framework to discuss this with your DP. Check out where you can attend Relate locally and give him all the details.
I think you have to stress to your DP that you are not trying to lay your hands on all his money.....that's not what this is about.
What this is about is fairness, stability and reassurance for you as mother of his child and for your child, openness. You need to say that the situation as stands, just isn't sustainable. You have a child with him now and he's expecting you to pick up costs from his family. Sorry, not doable.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 13:44

fizzygreenwater he has just turned 1. Would changing his name help my cirumstances?? x

OP posts:
StormTreader · 16/05/2018 13:47

Ah yes, "whats yours is ours and whats mine is mine".

drspouse · 16/05/2018 13:47

Would changing his name help my cirumstances?
I doubt it but is your DP's name on the baby's birth certificate?

Inertia · 16/05/2018 13:49

But he does see you and DS go without!

This will never get better- he is making it damn clear that he doesn’t see you as a family- he literally sees you as a gold-digger.

You need to get back into full time work, and he needs to pay half the childcare costs. You also need to demonstrate that you are paying towards the mortgage- I would insist on all bills split, including the mortgage. Make sure child benefit is paid to you.

And I would then start making plans to leave, with documentation showing your mortgage contribution so that he buys you out (which would be in addition to his cms contribution, not in lieu of).

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 13:51

brakeback I'm 26. And that really is a lovely point and a lovely way of wording it thank you.
My parents divorced when I was 12 it was extremely messy and the battles lasted years. However I can't even begin to imagine how things would have been had they stayed together.
I do worry my unhappiness does impact on DS, and I don't want him to think the way we act around each other is how parents should be.

I think it's safe to say I shouldn't buy the birthday present anyway ...... xx

OP posts:
Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 13:53

yes drspouse he is.

If we were to split now, I wouldn't get much from the mortgage, it is split from the point I joined onwards - only 6 months ago.

OP posts:
poobumwee · 16/05/2018 13:56

"Justmuddlingalong - they really are. This is something I find really unatractive and had i known all of this before DS came along - (was a very quick unexpected pregnancy) I can say 100% I would have walked."

Live is too short to stay with someone if you are unhappy. He sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest. Expected you to cut your hours and then won;t help our financially. Its not how a balanced relationship works.

SakuraBlossom · 16/05/2018 13:59

Please, please, please listen up before you have a child with a man.

Only have one when you are married and you are establish as a team with joint finances and common goals. This is not being old fashioned. It is about protecting yourself and your DC legally and financially.

A man who has lots of money and is not married owes you nothing if you split. You could be left with nothing and a child to look after with no home.

Melliegrantfirstlady · 16/05/2018 14:02

26!!!

Read him the riot act

Tell him you have sevely underestimated the costs of managing on what you have coming in

And if he doesn’t listen or change then you have no option but to decide if you will stay with him or not

Coyoacan · 16/05/2018 14:03

It actually sounds like you don't love him anymore and I don't blame you, OP.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 14:06

Coyoacan I'm not sure I ever did, sadly I think I was in love with the idea that this would all work out with a lot of hard work. I'm not stupid enough to think everything would be rosey, i knew it was going to take a lot of time, talking and working hard at it, considering how quickly it became serious.

OP posts:
MrsDilber · 16/05/2018 14:06

Yanbu hold your ground. Don't give in. CFer.

Faultymain5 · 16/05/2018 14:06

had i known all of this before DS came along - (was a very quick unexpected pregnancy) I can say 100% I would have walked.

OP you still can and I would. Crazy behaviour

Off topic, but on your first date did he pay for everything or did you go halves?

alreadytaken · 16/05/2018 14:10

Dont buy the present is going to become a new mumsnet thing Grin.

You are not a family now, are you, there isnt one to break up.

Did he want this child, was it planned? Does he justify this to himself as well I was pushed into it? What is his family like, equally tight? Is he also 26 or younger?

Maybe he's totally immature but at the moment I cant see much hope of an improvement.

TheBogWitchIsBack · 16/05/2018 14:11

When he asked where your money is throw it right back and ask where his is! Does he know how much you have coming in?
He's a cheeky cunt.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 14:14

He did pay for dates, we never went halves. Other than if we were out for drinks and I'd buy a round in between his. There weren't any signs of this behaviour before we moved in together.

OP posts:
PieAndPumpkins · 16/05/2018 14:16

It sounds like he's royally screwed you over, from the mortgage starting in your name only 6 months ago (what a twat he is!!) to not agreeing to live as a family financially. He already has one foot out of the door, clearly. Your son is so young, I really think that staying would do more damage than good to him as he grows up. Is he expected to go without, or is his dad always going to be seen as the one providing for your child? It sounds toxic, what a horrible situation. Make a plan Banana, and get yourselves out Flowers