To not pay for the present

[bannanahammock]

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

Is your name on the house?

He buys the presents for his family not you.

I'm sorry that you are in this situation with him. He clearly doesn't see anything to do with children as something he has a financial responsibility for, including his own blood family.

I think that, given your situation, you would be a lot happier on your own away from him. He sounds unutterably tight and self-centred.

You're not a family now OP. You're providing unpaid childcare for his child and scraping by in order to do so. Get out now before your little boy knows any different. He will fight and fight you about the mortgage so just him to it. The longer you stay, the more reasons there will be for you not to leave

@bannanahammock, in my opinion that is the sign. Sorry, but this is not going to end well.

At no age, much less 26 should this be your life.

'He absolutely can not see why he would need to help me out as he puts it.

When I was pregnant he bought the pushchair – but because of this I was left to buy everything else. Resulting in me not being able to save anything. And I wish looking back I’d have saved what I could whilst I was pregnant and still working full time.'

Of course he can't see it, because he is a selfish twat who does love you or even his own child. He is definitely happy to see him go without so he can avoid putting his hand in his pocket.

Really, don't put this off. You're not breaking up a family, you aren't one now. You're never too old for happiness and this man isn't it.

alreadytaken He is 5 years older.

I try and bring up money and how our situation is so odd, his response is normally something like 'we don't have to be like everyone else' or ' how do you know what their situation is' if i mention people we know. And then i just start to question myself as coming across as grabby and shut down.

His family are well off, you I would say more careful than tight. They don't go out much but are very generous.

Thank you all for your comments, I really did just expect a few responses around the present buying.

Sakura she has a child with him.

Stop bringing it up with him because he will never change. Ever, ever, ever. It is always a bad idea to jack in FT work in an unmarried partnership unless you are independently wealthy. Your son will be fine in nursery or with a childminder. You will be better off without this albatross of a sham partner your DS's father is.

Yep this is financial abuse imo.
Shutting down rational discussion is the typical reaction of an abuser.
He won't change.

I'm so sorry that you have a partner like this.
In the long run your child will be better off with a happy Mummy even if it means parents are not together.
Good luck OP

That is a horrid situation to be in and I really feel for you.

I would tell him that since you buy presents for your side and he buys presents for his side, you were just trying to help him out but will leave him to it. He can get the present himself.

I am in the opposite situation to you - I work full time on the high wage and DH works part time. I have the savings only because my monthly wages are higher. DH pays what he can towards the bills (he doesn't end up with that much left over each month), but I pay for everything else - majority of the bills, food, presents, expenses, repairs etc. It is only fair. We are a partnership and it is 'our' money not 'my' money even though technically I earned it and it is mine!

That is how a unit is supposed to work. You need to have a frank conversation with him, but from what you say I don't think he will change and you need to work out what is best for you and DS.

Leaving your DP may be a hard decision, but DS is very young so now is a good time to decide. If you stay, work out what you need to do to get you in the best financial position so that if it ends you and DS are as secure as you can be.

You poor thing, he's really logicked you into a shit setup. Every individual step sounds reasonable, until you look up and see what you've ended up with. If the end picture isn't reasonable, it doesn't matter how reasonable the steps along the way are.

A family is a financial and emotional unit. You don't really have a family right now with him.

My DH has a LOT more money than me, because he comes from a rich background and I don't. I don't claim his savings from before, but when we married we arranged a legal whatsit so that the longer we're together, the more of them I would get if we split. Like you, I'm doing childcare and he earns about 4x what I do, so it's the base assumption that he SHOULD pay 80% of everything. 4:1. It was 50:50 before I made sacrifices for his career, and now it isn't, because that's the fair way to do it. Savings since we got together are jointly owned. We still have separate bank accounts for logistical reasons, but any time I need money, he transfers over a wodge. At tax time we do a bit of a review and see if things feel fair.

That is--this is how it can be. If your bloke doesn't want to set things up fairly, you don't have to put up with it. It won't get better. Like others said, your earning potential will be permanently lowered the longer you stay like this.

"We don't have to be like everyone else"

Just wow. Yes, that is technically true. But he is being a total knob, and you are not some kind of bourgeois conventional square for not going along with his special individual creative vision. Knobs often use that kind of rationale to explain why they should continue knobbing. You're allowed to decide it's not for you.

You’re not a family.

If you’re going to split, sooner the better. My friend separated from her selfish prick of a husband (due to his affair) when their baby was 12m old. 12 years later she’s remarried with another child and DS1 can’t remember living with his dad.

So it would be a 60/40ish split if everything were joint. Just seen about him putting you on mortgage....Well of course he did because your now liable for it too! He played a good card there! Almost to the point where you could struggle to walk away.....

Seriously give him the ultimatum of joint finances or walk....show him figures.

Sadly, I don't think he sees you as family OP.

He utterly disrespects you, and does not provide for his child. He is mean, nasty and cruel, please think of a future without him in it.

right OP you are 26.
you are in your PRIME. seriously you will look back and hate that you gave your 20's to this mean twat of a man.

please please have the confidence to leave. if he really wants you back make him fight for you, decide whether you actually want him.

Re the mortgage, are you now liable for the mortgage, but you are not listed on the deeds of the house (or however it works) as a co-owner? You would probably need solicitors for that.

If that is the case OP he has really fucked you over OP?

He's never going to change whilst he has what he wants.

@TrinaN he isn't left with much at the end of the month but you are accumulating savings in your name? You need to review things! Those savings are his too- they need to be in his name, or at least joint! Have you asked him if he's happy with this set up?

Please break up before you waste any more of your life on this arsehole.

Check the legal position first. Vis a vis the house, CM payments and so on.

Why don't you insist on marrying the CF so that if he doesn't change his ways you can take your half and run for the hills? Or stop facilitating his earnings. This is the kind of man who would pay the very minimum maintenance possible and only then after he's played every trick in the book (ie reduced his hours because he can afford to after you've subbed him for so long thank-you-very-much)