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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not pay for the present

278 replies

bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 10:44

I will try not to drip feed but at the same time try not to overload with useless info.

I have been with DP and I have a 1 year old ds, we have been together 2 years.
Money is a bit of a strange situation to some, DP likes to keep his very separate, has a lot tucked away in a savings account & would never disclose how much. I don't ask, this was his before we met.
Since having DS and we both decided I would go back to work on a part time basis to reduce childcare costs, resulting in my wages taking a dramatic hit, DP now earns nearly 4 times my wage.

It is his nephews 1st birthday on Friday. This is the only other child on that side of the family other than our DS - I however have 5 nieces and nephews.

I asked DP if he would like me to go and choose a birthday present, pick up a card etc as he is working all week, and if so could he transfer the money into my account as I don't get my wages for another 2 weeks and after my cars tax bill this month I don't have alot spare. Now I don't begrudge paying for Dns present as I do see them as our family rather than his, but when it comes to my families bday/xmas presents I fund these from my own wages and DP will not contribute a penny to helping me out, I therefore save myself throughout the year ready for when xmas arrives.

DP looked horrified that I'd asked him to send the money over and asked 'well where's your money?' I explained I only have enough in my account now to see me through til payday, and out of principal I fund my side of the families presents so I think he should do the same. This has escalated into something huge, and he thinks I'm being totally unreasonable, and is now not speaking to me.
Am i being just being stubborn? I really think he is the one BU.

OP posts:
Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 18:04

He needs to register that you do mean real business. That this is not another emotional rant.

MessySurfaces · 16/05/2018 18:07

OP would it help to write him a letter?
So you can keep it really unemotional.
Also- blatantly not true that he won't let you and DC want for anything, isn't it. Ugh. Tough situation!!!

Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 18:09

Pick your moment. Feed him (anything like my DH its a disaster if he's not eaten), stay calm, have a plan. I wish you success. Best of luck!

Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 18:17

Final thought. Suggest a trial 3 months to share all finances, with a review. You do have a very new relationship, trust takes time to build but is quickly broken. You have taken a big leap of faith by upping sticks to be with him. He must take a leap of faith with you.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 18:19

Mediation and counselling is not at all a good idea with someone who is financially controlling. There is nothing for you to save here except your career which you very desperately need because he will never change. Never. You will spend your life forever battling for fairness. Life is far, far, far too short for that.

LemonysSnicket · 16/05/2018 18:26

Wtf, I’m not even married and all of our money is shared ... what a horrid man!

Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 18:27

@expatinscotland. Disagree. Life's not black and white. This couple have a very young relationship. I agree this is financial abuse.
I was married to a very wealthy man for 25 years. It took me a long time to gain full and fair access to the money. He wasn't a mean man, he gave huge sums to charity. But he had trust issues.
This guys meaness is very worrying, but surely mediation has to be given a chance.

Allthewaves · 16/05/2018 18:29

Shouldn't he be automatically transferring money to you eachieve month to make up loss of wages.

Please tell me your not splitting bills 50:50

SickofPeterRabbit · 16/05/2018 18:29

To answer some of your questions:

You cannot change baby's name without his permission, even when not married.

Google 'Child Maintenance Calculator' and it will give you some idea as to how much you'll get.

Also, if you go to the Turn2us website, click on their calculator, it will tell you if you can claim tax credits etc and help with childcare costs if you left x

GreenTulips · 16/05/2018 18:34

If you've leave with just the cloths on your back then you don't have much invested in this relationship

My key quote to DH when he's being an arse is 'less than a divorce'

Brakebackcyclebot · 16/05/2018 18:37

Tinkobell, mediation ad counselling are not advisable when you are dealing with a manipulative abusive partner.

OK, please ask yourself some fundamental questions. Does this man love me, the way I am? Do I love this man the way he is?

No to the 1st question requires you to change - to suit him. No, just no!

The answer to the 2nd - you cannot force him to change so the predictable future is that youv remain unhappy for a longtime.

If the answer to EITHER is no, then please leave. You are so young. You have all of life ahead.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2018 18:44

'Life's not black and white. This couple have a very young relationship. I agree this is financial abuse.'

It is black and white to the financially manipulative person. This is non-relationship, even the OP states she'd have walked had she not got pregnant. They are unmarried. He'd never marry her because he doesn't want to compromise himself financially, but expects her to do so. She is very vulnerable financially. She has vastly compromised her career to enable his abuse. He is financially abusive. That's a crime, btw. There is no coming back from that. The OP is only 26, it never makes sense to try to save an abusive relationship or hang onto it.

Ethylred · 16/05/2018 18:47

You had a child with this man before you had a relationship with him.

applesarered · 16/05/2018 18:50

Oh dear op. This is exactly why when anyone says they don’t have to get married before dc I start to disagree openly with them.
I couldn’t give a monkeys about tradition but the marriage certificate in the U.K. is a contract in law which says your husband would definitely be a lot poorer if he were to leave you. Unlike in your current position.

I personally would stop any money conversations going forward and look for a plan out of this. You’re too young to live this way for the rest of your life. I certainly don’t think you should be raising your dc under it.
I say this as someone who was raised by my dad who financially abused my mum to the extent she used to take my lunch money to buy anything. It’s disgusting and what’s the point jn a relationship with this man? He’s taking the piss

Get your ducks in a row and fuck off away from him ASAP! You deserve to be treated better than this.

Brakebackcyclebot · 16/05/2018 19:01

Ethylred, that sort of judgement is the kind of comment that can stop someone from leaving an abusive relationship. Fear of being judged. It feeds straight into the feelings of unworthiness that the abuser wants to perpetuate. So so unhelpful.

badg3r · 16/05/2018 19:13

Gosh OP, as you and others have said, you need to leave and the sooner the better.

RE the present - I presume DP is going to the party too? I would apologize to the parent while DP is there about the lack of present, explaining that you have separate finances and after you had paid childcare and bills you personally had no left over money till payday. Maybe shoving him under the proverbial bus will make him see how tight he is being.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 19:26

I did Ethylred you're right, and I've tried to be honest about this.

I agree apples and this wasn't a situation of - we are the new generation we don't need marriage.
It was simply a fun relationship in it's early days that turned serious fairly quickly.
And as a result of that I've tried to do what I thought was best, but like pp's have said it's been a wake up call to see the position I've let myself get in.

I'm not left pennyless, I do have a small wage. I pay a share of bills. I just begrudge situations like this where I don't get any help when things pop up like bdays, Xmas, other stuff that I don't have any savings or spare cash to fund it.

OP posts:
veggiethrower · 16/05/2018 19:47

He sounds awful. Sorry you find yourself in this situation.
I'm not married and my DP earns a lot more than me. Our finances are not joint but he would never expect me to buy presents for his (numerous) nephews.
He is generous with his money, as I am, and it all works out well.

You and your DP are financially incompatible.... and he is mean as fuck. Unbelievable.
You'd be better off alone than with this twat. My ex was very tight with money and it was a miserable existence - never being able to do anything because he wouldn't pay for it (and he wouldn't get a job either but that is another story...) Fucking spreadsheets with everything detailed down to the last penny, who had paid for what and then a "reckoning" at the end of the month where the one who had paid less had to pay the other the difference.
Best thing I did getting rid of that idiot.

Start thinking about your future - you're 26 - you have so much time to enjoy. Don't waste it on a fuckwit who is too mean to buy his own nephew a present.

Tinkobell · 16/05/2018 22:03

OP - do you know for a fact that your DP does actually earn x 4 more than you? Is there any possibility that's he's been bullshitting you and actually his wages are far less than claimed? Have you seen pay slips? Could there be anything at all that he's hiding he doesn't want you to see he spends on?

What's the big secret? Why the petty meanness?
I think I'd want answers to all of this.

Original poster
bannanahammock · 16/05/2018 22:20

yes I've seen what he earns, since we went through the process of the house a while ago. I scanned in his payslips for the mortgage company.
I believe it all goes into different savings.
I have seen a document for one of the savings accounts, he doesn't know I've seen how much is in there.

OP posts:
DPotter · 17/05/2018 03:04

Banana
You mentioned you moved to live with DP - would a move back be something to think about - nearer to work, family, friends ?

What's your relationship like with his parents and family? Would you be able to talk to them about it and maybe they could persuade / shame him into stepping up?
Both longshots but worth a second or 2's thought
I would really start to build a plan to go full time, find childcare and move out. Look up the CM calculator and leave the result lying around, or openly show your DP

Monty27 · 17/05/2018 03:25

You need to be telling him you want your share of the house back and leave him.
Then he will be paying proper maintenance including childcare while you are working.
He is an utterly selfish pig.
Sorry about the insult to pigs.

thebewilderness · 17/05/2018 04:00

It was simply a fun relationship in it's early days that turned serious fairly quickly.

That, in and of itself, is a red warning flag.
Put it in writing and if he refuses to negotiate terms make an escape plan.

Italiangreyhound · 17/05/2018 04:26

YADNBU. He is in the wrong and sounds like a pretty crap person, mean-spirited about money and childish with his behaviour.

Mummyoflittledragon · 17/05/2018 05:00

I expect if you asked why he’s so mean with money, he’d say you trapped him. The same way as he’d say you manipulated him into adding you to the mortgage. The present really isn’t important. Your long term security with your dc is.

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