5 year old jokingly calling someone fat

[Mother40]

On the way to school today we saw some people we knew (the mother is usually part of the weekly coffee group so I know her quite well). My 5 year old daughter decided she thought it would be funny to say to the mother and child (and to myself and her brother) that we were fat. She was laughing as she said it and none of us could be described as fat, so obviously not true. Before I had a chance to tell her not to say it, the mother raised her voice and really told her off, saying they didn't want t o walk with us as she was rude. My daughter burst into tears.

I'm my opinion, my daughter was just being a bit silly, like when children call some one smelly etc. I didn't think it warranted the other mother to speak the way she did to her. The woman came up to her after to say sorry for shouting but still saying to me she shouldn't be so rude.

What are others opinions on this? It has now made it really awkward with the other mother.

Yes OP sometimes kids say silly things. But if it were my child I'd think he'd deserve that response and I'd also be telling him myself. I've been in your shoes but my son was only 3 and I made it very clear it was not acceptable. He's never commented on someone's appearance in public since.

There wasn't any vehement behind it though. It's sounds like there was because we understand the meaning behind the words. He was just saying words that sounded interesting to him. He loves to experiment with words he hears and has a huge vocabulary for a 5 year old.

I would expect a child with a huge vocabulary to know better then. I can’t believe what other people think is okay.

I don't think you necessarily have to understand what the words mean to know that the words are wrong.It all comes down to the context the words were said in and the way in which they were said imo.

I suspect the woman reacted this way as her own child was called fat, possibly for the first time, at the age of 5.

We all know the damaging consequences of this to children, perhaps she panicked and wanted to make it absolutely clear to her own child that they don't have to accept this rudeness and have the right to walk away.

She demonstrated that lesson.

Her child learnt being treated this way is unacceptable, yours learnt she can't treat people this way. Winner.

Your daughter obviously hit a nerve. The other mum did acknowledge she had gone OTT and apologised.
Do I think your daughter was rude? yes - but you know that as you said yourself you were going to say something to her.
Did the other mother overeact - yes but she knew that as she apologised.
So I'm not sure what your AIBU is then?

I haven't RTWT as the page 1 responses are annoying.

Sometimes children say things they shouldn't. Your DD has learned a lesson. I'd have wanted to correct my DD myself though so I'd be pissed off at the other mum.

My lad is in year one. I cannot imagine him ever making personal comments to another grown up- I'd be pretty aghast at this from a five year old and it sounds bratty behaviour

It's not up to the other mum to correct the girl.

Without seeing the whole conversation you can't get an idea of how the word fat was used. Did she jump out of a bush and shout 'You're fat' or was it it more like a leg pulling 'Move along you fat bums are taking up all the pavement'. My kids often say things to us and friends like that - Get your stinky feet off my bed, hurry up (to brother) you old man etc. Fat bum is almost a term of endearment in our house.

She is only 5 and the fact is was not used on a person that was overweight must mean that there was no malice intended.

(I know I'll get flamed for this)

@Lovetheway she then went on to ask if the tooth dairy was coming so it wasn't malicious.

It's rude. But she should have left you to deal with it.

It's amazing the understanding, empathy and understanding of what's rude and not people are expecting from a five year old when adults on this page can't show the same.

OP hasn't said it was ok or that she won't be addressing it but a child that age is still learning and it is up to her how she teaches HER child. Young kids are frequently coming out with "inappropriate" remarks that they don't actually understand and I agree with a PP that there is a lack of understanding about child development being shown. If this had been my child I would have explained that it is was wrong but I would have done it the way I saw fit and that wouldn't include shouting at them for something that they didn't even realise was wrong. The other mum felt the need to apologise for her reaction so I think says a lot.

This is ridiculous, young children often do silly name-calling - poo face etc. - it doesn't have to be applauded, but no need to react with such anger.

"it is up to her how she teaches HER child"

OP can teach her child what and how she likes. When her child speak to 3rd parties inappropriately they are perfectly entitled to answer her back.

DS1 is currently watching his favourite cartoon called Boss Baby and there is a character called Fat CEO Baby. He doesn't realise this is rude as that is just his name. The subtlety is really confusing for young children.

Not really.

“Don’t call people fat; it is unkind and upsets them.”

Yes, because they are all the same aren't they?

Obviously your child shouldn't have said it, but she's five. Weight is a very sensitive and complex issue and I think it's unfair to expect young children to navigate it perfectly. A warning "[your dd's name]" and then a discussion at home would suffice.

As for the people complaining "you didn't react quick enough" - Not the other mothers job and from the sound of it she took it personally and then went for your daughter right off the bat, OP. I wouldn't appreciate someone screaming at my child and - assuming she's a fairly robust little girl - at a level that could make her cry.

However I do feel that you're over compensating for the harshness by being a bit lenient. I'd talk to your daughter but perhaps a bit later. I think shouting at her didn't help your DD understand the "fat" issue AT ALL. She's going to take the viewpoint that fat = bad and any further discussion could easily put her on the defensive because of the massive overreaction of the other woman.

I don’t think children have to be the same to understand that making personal comments isn’t on.

Job done, I’d say. At 8, dd1 spent three hours in tears at school because she got told off by a teacher for being with a friend who was ‘being silly’ about people being fat. She was distraught that she had been accused of being mean. (Dd1 is an absolute angel). Probably just like your dd. I just said look, you might not have meant it way, but it’s an unacceptable thing to joke about, and it IS mean. So hey ho. Lesson learned. And you won’t do it again.

I’m pretty sure she was expecting me to soothe her distraught nerves and reassure her that she was only being silly.
Nope. I backed up the teacher completely and said that it was her responsibility to not engage in such ‘silly’ behaviour that could hurt people. Now she knows it’s not silly or funny, and she thinks a little bit harder. Just one of life’s lessons, but one that doesn’t need undermining by accusations of over-reaction.

But it's more nuanced than that and i think it's disingenuous to see it so simply.

People often meet DS1 with 'aren't you tall' he is surrounded by adults making personal comments and observations. It's confusing as to why some comments are okay and others are not.

DS1 often goes up to people and tells them he likes their t-shirt. This is always met with a pleased response from the recipient. He would struggle with why one thing was okay and another wasn't. Despite being told.

Mamarylis - 8 is quite different from 5 tho. I'd expect an 8 year old to know it and 5yo's to still be working it out.

Gosh I'm shocked at the level of empathy and insight people are expecting from a 5 year old. I've known plenty of adults who don't struggle with their weight to have no idea how hurtful calling someone fat can be so there's no way a young child could possibly understand. I've struggled with my weight all my life and I'm currently obese. And I'll admit it - I was an adult before I learned that calling someone skinny caused offense. To me it's the greatest compliment imaginable and if a friend rocked up looking amazing in their size 6 jeans I'd think nothing of saying 'omg there's nothing of you' or whatever. I'm aware now that this is rude and have stopped doing it. But here's the thing. I STILL can't fully empathise. Academically I know it's offensive but my fat person's brain won't let me understand that it's anything but a compliment. So how the hell can a 5 year old get this stuff. Emotions around weight are seriously complex. Let's own our weight issues and not expect children who are barely more than toddlers to understand them.

young children often do silly name-calling - poo face etc

Exactly and if it’s met with an adult dismissing another persons perfectly valid reaction as “over sensitive” then it continues.

You sound like a weak disciplined mother, your child offended her (regardless of how much you think she shouldn’t have been offended) and received an appropriate reaction in response. Her tears and your need to post about this on here is dramatic (both overreacting imo)

I’m a size 6 so def not fat, however i would still be annoyed if your daughter called me fat - it’s just the unccessary insult & commentary on my appearance.