5 year old jokingly calling someone fat

[Mother40]

On the way to school today we saw some people we knew (the mother is usually part of the weekly coffee group so I know her quite well). My 5 year old daughter decided she thought it would be funny to say to the mother and child (and to myself and her brother) that we were fat. She was laughing as she said it and none of us could be described as fat, so obviously not true. Before I had a chance to tell her not to say it, the mother raised her voice and really told her off, saying they didn't want t o walk with us as she was rude. My daughter burst into tears.

I'm my opinion, my daughter was just being a bit silly, like when children call some one smelly etc. I didn't think it warranted the other mother to speak the way she did to her. The woman came up to her after to say sorry for shouting but still saying to me she shouldn't be so rude.

What are others opinions on this? It has now made it really awkward with the other mother.

You should have told her off straight away OP.

I think the woman was a bit OTT. But maybe she has had an eating disorder in the past? It does sound as if your DD hit a very sensitive spot for her.
But I don't think it is necessarily bad that your DD burst into tears after being told off. She will have learned that this is not okay and not do it again.

I think a 5 year old knows that calling someone fat is unkind and as the parent I hope you have pulled your daughter up on this!

It’s not just being silly imo, a 5 year old does know it’s unkind

Your dd was rude and it’s fair enough of the other Mum didn’t want to walk with you

she thought it would be funny to say to the mother and child (and to myself and her brother) that we were fat.

I am confused as to who was actually called fat - you, the friend and her mother, or all of you?

Before I had a chance to tell her not to say it

I think a lot hinges on how long you took to react. She may have thought you weren't going to say anything - what was your expression? I have seen similar happen where the parent has had a grin on their face - but has then rebuked the child.

Maybe she was too hasty in her reaction - possibly because you were a bit slow in yours.

Five-year-olds should know that calling people fat or smelly or similar is hurtful and plain downright rude.

@Mother40 - I think that the other mum reacted rather too quickly, and should have waited a moment to see how you would react to what your dd said.

Your dd is only young, and yes, children do say silly things - what matters is how we react to it. She does need to know that calling someone fat is very unlikely to be taken as a joke by other people - even if the person concerned is not actually fat, it is not a good thing to say - someone could have an eating disorder, or have been fat in the past and be sensitive about it.

If I were you, I'd ask your dd to apologise to the mum and her child for what she said, and I would assure the mum that you don't think it is a funny thing to say, and that you will be making sure your dd knows this too - then have a serious talk with your dd at home and explain that it's not a good idea to tease people about their appearance, and that calling someone fat could really hurt their feelings, and that that's why the other mum was so cross. Hopefully that will draw a line under it - and hopefully the other mum will move past it too.

There's a difference between silly and rude. If you can't tell the difference then be grateful the other mum stepped in.
Your defence that no-one was 'fat' spectacularly misses the mark. Who decides if someone is 'fat'? Who knows if someone has an eating disorder? How do you teach a 5-yr-old a sliding scale of who is appropriate to insult as 'fat' and who isn't?
I think you're embarrassed that someone else 'parented' your child. I understand that embarrassment but trying to downplay your DC's behaviour isn't the way to respond.

I am with the woman. Your daughter needs to learn from an early age that you don't insult people and get away with it. It will serve her well later in life being dressed down like this so early on. Good for that woman!

I think you should have sharply corrected your own child with "We don't say that sort of thing, it's very unkind". The other mother shouldn't have had to do it for you.

And I agree that you should not be minimising it by saying she was 'being silly.' She was being rude,not 'silly.'

You sound like the type of person who will be rude to someone and then accuse them of being 'sensitive' when they get upset, and claim you were 'only joking!'

You were slow to respond so the other parent stepped in. Never understand why people try to defend their own lax parenting.

Calling someone fat is rude and unkind. But....she’s 5 years old!! With probably zero understanding of the word and it’s implications.

OP, I think people are being harsh. I’m sure you would have corrected your dd and this other woman should have given you the chance to do so. Even if you hadn’t, imo, she should have had a word with you rather than raising her voice at a 5 year old.

My reaction would have been to politely tell her that I can discipline my own child thank you very much. I cannot stand people other than close family or friends reprimanding my children when I am there and perfectly capable.

However, this is not acceptable behaviour from your dd. My next move would be to speak with her after school, explain why calling names is unkind and unacceptable, I would then have her apologise to the lady in question tomorrow.

Your lack of response was probably what the other mum was more upset about. Silly behaviour ignored becomes rude behaviour very, very quickly.

You don't know that woman's history - it might have touched a nerve as others have suggested.

At 5 I'd say your daughter was old enough to have better manners and she's certainly learnt an effective lesson now.

I think you should stop minimising, tell the other mother that you're sorry you hadn't taught her better manners, and take her a bunch of flowers or something.

My adult DD is a recovering anorexic. For her the words 'fat' and 'greedy' are trigger words bringing back feelings of panic, fear, shame and guilt. Because of this I also feel uncomfortable when I hear them as it makes me fear DD having a relapse. Perhaps the mum's apparently OTT response is linked to something like this.

YY to the eating disorder comments. I think it can actually hurt more from children, because you have this idea that they are just naively 'speaking the truth'.

This is NOT ok. Your daughter was very rude and you shouldn't be asking on here. You should be correcting her and teaching her some manners and how to be kind.

The other Mum did overreact and should have given you a chance to talk to your daughter. I think people in this post are overreacting a bit too. She's a 5 year old and they are only just learning about what is acceptable and how to empathise etc. They can hear stuff like this in all sorts of places and especially when they start school
OP I wouldn't let it worry you though. She's been made aware its wrong, you could maybe try a chat later about why it may hurt someone's feelings and how its wrong to comment on others appearance.

A five year old will be a five year old, they will repeat what they have heard or been taught.

However I don't understand your thought process she was just being a bit silly. Or why the other woman was able to react before you did.

Whatever your child's intent, the bottom line is it was rude and unkind
Their weight is not relevant here. You should have reacted first and you shouldn't write this off as being just silly. But teach you daughter it's rude.

My daughter at five was no angel, but she wasn't telling grown ups, or children for that matter, they were fat by means of insult, and if she had I would have been the first to step in and deal with it, no one would have had to do it for me and I wouldn't be saying oh well she's just being silly.

Overall, I'd say the person most at fault here is you. Neither the woman or your child behaved well. But ultimately by not dealing with it and by minimising it as just being silly, your behaviour was the most at fault.

By that age the majority of kids know it's bloody rude and nasty to say something like that.

I used to volunteer with Rainbows and Brownies and while the group was singing a song about "a wee skinny Brownie and a fat Girl Guide", a six year old looked me in the eye, smirked at me and said "that song's about you". I was taken aback by how mean her tone was and she knew exactly what she'd said because when I told her off for it, she went in a huff. There was no confusion on her part.

She was a little horror and her parents always put it down to her being "spirited".

I do think your daughter was rude. I think it's very inappropriate to call some smelly too. I would say by 5 she should be learning that it's never acceptable to call someone fat even as a joke.

Why do people think saying rude or unkind things is acceptable if you follow it up with jokes?

She needed telling off and if you weren't going to it's just as well the other mother did.

a song about "a wee skinny Brownie and a fat Girl Guide

that's fantastic. No way could you get away with this nowadays.

This is your 1st post on MN @Mother40 so ......



If we are supposed to believe this happened as you say it did "your DD" was unkind and should have learnt that making comments on other people and their appearance and/or smell is not something polite adults and children do and it is not funny or just silly to be giggled at.

By the age of 3 or at the latest 4 the parents should explain to their child how to be kind rather than rude and obnoxious

You seem to think it was funny and silly too - so we all know why this child thinks that too

I don't think it's ever right to shout at someone else's child (unless they're in or about to cause immediate danger). Your DD was being a bit rude / silly. If it was my daughter I would have pulled her up on it. If it was someone else's daughter I would probably have let it go - unless I knew the family very well, in which case I might have said something to the child (but kept it light).
For what it's worth. I don't teach my kids that it's wrong to use the word fat! It's just a word. Something can be lovely and fat - like a lovely fat feathery hen or a big fat piece of cake. It's the way words are said that can cause hurt.
BI x

So you "always" tell your dd not to call people names but she's still doing it? Guess she was due a slightly sharper lesson.in why it's wrong then.

I agree with this.

My friend suffers from anorexia. She had been 13 stone at the age of 13-14, and then lost quite a bit of weight (5 stone) between 14 and 16 y.o. (So she dropped to 8 stone.)

She became quite obsessed with food and her diet and her weight, and even crash-dieted at times. She did look a bit gaunt at 8 stone, and she stayed at this weight (well between 8 and 8 a half stone) for 3 or 4 years - til she was about 19 or 20.

Then by the time she was in her early 20's, she had gone up to about 9 stone 5, and she looked much healthier and rosier in the cheeks and was in a good place. Eating healthily, and exercising a decent amount.

Then some fucking bright spark decided to say 'you look much better now you've put some weight on, now you're rounder in the face and more fleshy in the arms and legs.'

I don't know what kind of fucked up, back-handed compliment this was meant to be, but it set her back several years, and she started crash-dieting again and exercising obsessively, dropping to 7 stone this time, and making herself really ill. Ending up in hospital after collapsing.

People need to STFU and not comment on peoples appearances. Do you seriously think that people won't take it personally if you comment about how they look?! And if you think 'you look better now you're getting fat again' is a compliment, you are fucking deluded!

Whether someone has gained weight - or lost it - there is NO NEED to comment. None whatsover. It's just bloody rude and incredibly intrusive and personal.

The child may only be 5, but she should know better than to call someone fat. That is just bloody rude and nasty, and frankly, she probably picked up this way of speaking from an adult she spends a lot of time with. The way the OP is making out it's 'nothing' and that her daughter said it 'jokingly' makes it obvious her daughter has probably picked up this way of speaking from her.