5 year old jokingly calling someone fat

[Mother40]

On the way to school today we saw some people we knew (the mother is usually part of the weekly coffee group so I know her quite well). My 5 year old daughter decided she thought it would be funny to say to the mother and child (and to myself and her brother) that we were fat. She was laughing as she said it and none of us could be described as fat, so obviously not true. Before I had a chance to tell her not to say it, the mother raised her voice and really told her off, saying they didn't want t o walk with us as she was rude. My daughter burst into tears.

I'm my opinion, my daughter was just being a bit silly, like when children call some one smelly etc. I didn't think it warranted the other mother to speak the way she did to her. The woman came up to her after to say sorry for shouting but still saying to me she shouldn't be so rude.

What are others opinions on this? It has now made it really awkward with the other mother.

I can't believe you let that woman speak to your daughter like that.

Why have you asked OP? You are convinced that you are right (you aren't, your daughter was rude and you should have immediately pulled her up on that). Calling someone smelly isn't acceptable either btw. Yes kids say this crap, and we teach them not to immediately. Not defend it as a 'oh dear, kids say silly things.' The fact that these people were slim doesn't matter, your DD was rude and you showed you condoned it by saying nothing.

I'm slim and if some child (any age) came and greated me by calling me fat would make me question where they had heard this sort of thing (and I'd be looking at the parents) and I'd fully expect the parent to tell them off and that they don't make personal comments. I wouldn't shout at them but my response would be an eyebrow raise and a "how rude" comment.

Greeted

Blimey, she just called someone fat! Who actually gets upset by anything a five year old says?! 😂
It could have been worse she could have said her hair was messy/she was smelly/ugly etc or even better asked "why are your teeth missing?" which my daughter asked a young woman once.
Fancy a grown woman getting annoyed by that.
Just tell your daughter some people don't like to be called fat, it's not very nice.

Life is much more subtle than "don't comment on looks". As adults we distinguish between looks with a potential value judgement and simple description and have learned to chose language carefully.

Children of that age compare a lot in developing their understanding of the world. X is taller than Y. Z is younger than W. V has curly hair. U has long, blonde hair. Some of those descriptions and comparisons are very bland and unlikely to offend. X or Y having height compared could cause offense if they have an insecurity about being particularly tall or short within their class. Fat is a word that can be used in a factual context (I don't want to eat the fat on my bacon) and can be a loaded description but is not universally offensive. It takes time to learn subtlties.

In reception class they do a lot of describing and comparing. In maths, this square is bigger than that square. They don't have a fully developed understanding of social complexities and subtlties. Yes, they need guidence in developing that, but social faux pas along the way happen and need to be dealt with appropriately particularly if not intended with malice.

Wolfiefan, yes I took this as a "learning opportunity" and told her that she should not have said it, but I still think the other mothers reaction was well over the top for something that my daughter did not mean in a nasty way and did not understand at the time would be taken that way. I am sure things like this are said in the playground often, even if people don't think their children would say anything unpleasant to anyone, children are always teasing\joking with each other.

I am not condoning or ignoring her behaviour, just saying for a five year old it's really not that awful, but did not expect to have so many people criticising my reaction to it on here (but then I have never posted on here before).

She is a lovely child, very caring and affectionate, and really would not have said it to upset them.

So after you said to your child that it was unacceptable the woman stepped in?
Or you only had a word with your child after the other adult had objected to her rudeness?
You are actually condoning her behaviour by constantly saying what a lovely child she is and how she didn't mean to upset anyone. She was rude. End of.

It is wrong, she shouldn't have said it, and I know a lot of children by this age would know that it is unacceptable. However I can see both sides, along with several pp's who have made good arguments for both sides.

But the bottom line is- I believe most of us would have got the first word in, to tell off our child, before someone else had the opportunity too.

Use this as a good learning exercise- hopefully she won't make the same mistake again!

That's nothing op.... I'd just been to collect a prescription with my son and he see’s a huge man, as in massively overweight (you know where this is going) ruddy Son points at the bloke and at the top of his voice shouts “ hi fat man” and waves at him!!!! Bloke as heard him obviously and just looks at me 😂😂 talk about wanting the ground to swallow me up!!!! Marched My son right over to say sorry but Jesus Christ I was soooo embarrassed!! Of course the guy went into the same pharmacy as well, luckily he came over and says people say a lot worse things to me and not to worry but I still wanted to die on the spot!! Had to have a talk to my son on the way home about people's feelings and keeping his gob shut! X

he came over and says people say a lot worse things to me and not to worry

That's really sad.

I am fat, I know I am fat. I laugh about being old and fat with my children, but don’t encourage them to be mean to others and explain to my children it’s not nice to cal other people names. It sounds like your child was having some fun with you. That’s my opinion, I wouldn’t have been mean to a small child as that is downright rude and mean. I can laugh about being fat with my children and still teach them it’s not nice to upset other people but children are literal, my daughter said you have 2 chins and that woman has 3 chins. Yes my daughter was right I do have 2 chins and the other woman had 3 chins and she doesn’t net really understand factual observations can hurt people’s feelings. My daughter’s intentions weren’t bad neither was your daughters. It takes a long time to get the social niceties correct but I do know it’s not nice to be mean to small children who are attempting humour.

OP, you've clearly decided categorically that your DD did nothing wrong so why post here? You're just arguing with everyone who says she was rude.

even better asked "why are your teeth missing?" which my daughter asked a young woman once.

How awful that someone would boast about this

Maybe the mother had heard this kind of behaviour from your dd before.

I can't believe you let that woman speak to your daughter like that

Are you for real? So another adult should never tell a child off? We have no perception of whether the other adult actually did shout or just raised her voice a bit! How do you think parents will cope when their children are at school and have to be told off by the teacher. To be honest this level of coddling is ridiculous.

I'm finding this thread very interesting. At the risk of people thinking I'm a terrible mother, my 5 year old was in a lot of trouble at school a few weeks ago because he called someone a 'fat fucking bitch'!!!

Do all the people that think the little girl wasn't really being rude because she is only 5 feel differently about my son? Was my son just being a bit silly? He is only 5 after all.

Actually when I was told what he had said it was the word 'fat' that upset the most. Of course he had no idea what fucking bitch meant, he didn't have a concept of swearing. Apparently he overheard an older child saying it. But he knows what fat means and he knows it's unkind to call someone fat even in jest.

Your daughter obviously didn't mean to cause offence, but she did, and she was told off for it. Hopefully next time she will think twice before joking that someone is fat.

Wow RhinoBlue now that I really would be embarrassed and ashamed about.I have worked with kids and have 5 of my own and have never heard a young child say anything as bad as that! Where on earth did he learn that?

i don't think any namecalling (or 'winding people up' about something as a joke) is acceptable. We have a family friend who does it, as does his children. My children don't really understand why anyone would say something that wasn't true to them 'as a joke'

I have no qualms in calling other childrens rude/obnoxious / poor behaviour out if their own parents don't do it. I don't tolerate it from my own children and sure as shit don't from someone else's.

If you tell your DD that the woman was overreacting you are basically saying that calling someone fat is ok. You need to understand that what you consider “silly” behaviour is hurtful and rude and convey that to your dd so that she doesn’t repeat it again. Lesson learned.

Kids pick stuff up at that age and repeat it without really knowing what they're saying. As long as you tell them after that it isn't okay to say such things, then there is a lesson learnt.

I think it wasn't down to the friend to say something, definitely not to shout at your daughter.

NutElla5x he told us he heard an older child at the school (a child with known difficulties) saying it. He had absolutely no idea what it meant.

But this is my point. People are shocked by what he said because to hear a little 5 year old boy speak like that is just horrible. But I thought it was worse that he called someone fat, because that is a word he does know the meaning of. It's also in my opinion a more hurtful word. I wouldn't care so much if someone called me a bitch, because I'm not. But if someone called me fat it would greatly upset me, and I would worry that people thought I was fat.

I think a lot of responses on here show a total lack of knowledge about child development and what the language, social skills and emotional intelligence of a typical 5 year old actually are.
I agree with this^. We are talking about 5 years old.
OP didn't question if it's ok to call people "fat". She asks about the other mum reaction. The other mum was clearly wrong. She could say something like "it's not nice thing to say" but even so she should give OP some time to react.
And I don't like her apology either.

Agree with everything Urgent says. We really struggle with 5yo DS1 (who is probably on the spectrum somewhere - yet to be decided). We often do silly animal noises and call each other little piggies/chicks etc but then he might say you fat cow. Trying to explain why one is okay and one isn't is really hard. It's made me realise how much we call each other things without thinking and how confusing the messages are.

We have stopped most of it at home but my Mum is terrible and if you call her on it she just huffs that it's middle class new age nonsense. So if they eat all of biscuit she'll look mock shocked and tickle them and say 'oooh you little fat pig'. They laugh and think this a term of affection. And it is. For her.

I think the other mother overreacted.

It sounds very much from your description that your 5 year old thought she was being funny and obviously misjudged. It can be hard when you’re little to know that joking that we’re all zombies can be funny but that we’re all fat isn’t.

As you were there, I think the other mother should not have said anything unless it was clear you weren’t going to. And even then, a simple ‘don’t be so silly’ would have sufficed.

Having said that I think now the moment has passed, you need to reinforce the idea that comments about appearance are never nice (well, sometimes they are - you know what I mean!) instead of trying to minimise her comment and make the other mum the baddy.

I feel a bit sorry for her though - she’ll always remember that time she thought she was being hilarious and someone told her off!

Personally RhinoBlue I'd be be offended more by being called a bitch,especially with so much vehement behind it,but that might be because I am one lol.