5 year old jokingly calling someone fat

[Mother40]

On the way to school today we saw some people we knew (the mother is usually part of the weekly coffee group so I know her quite well). My 5 year old daughter decided she thought it would be funny to say to the mother and child (and to myself and her brother) that we were fat. She was laughing as she said it and none of us could be described as fat, so obviously not true. Before I had a chance to tell her not to say it, the mother raised her voice and really told her off, saying they didn't want t o walk with us as she was rude. My daughter burst into tears.

I'm my opinion, my daughter was just being a bit silly, like when children call some one smelly etc. I didn't think it warranted the other mother to speak the way she did to her. The woman came up to her after to say sorry for shouting but still saying to me she shouldn't be so rude.

What are others opinions on this? It has now made it really awkward with the other mother.

'If she said it to do so he who was actually far it would have been very.in nd and i would have been very embarrassed but as the mother and daughter were thin it was just her being.a bit silly.'

So it's ok because they were thin?

Oh Dear

This is a tricky one. On the one hand I agree with you OP in that kids do say silly/stupid things sometimes and it may have been obvious to you that your DD didn’t mean anything malicious by it.

Having said that, I am teaching my dd (3) that saying anything mean or horrible to someone even as a joke is not very nice. At the end of the day she may have just been being silly but it’s clearly hurt the other woman and that can’t be ignored. Perhaps a gentle reminder to your DD to think a bit before she speaks?

Again, I didn't say it was ok, just that most children say silly things at some point, especially at 5 years old and I think the other woman's reaction was over the top for what happened. Do some people's children NEVER say silly or embarrassing things?

I think she did you a favour by making it clear to your daughter that calling people fat (or more generally commenting on / insulting their appearance) is not funny, is very rude, and is not going to provoke a positive reaction. Don't you want her to learn that lesson?

Kids hear things and repeat them in what sounds like the right context but it doesn't mean they actually understand what they are saying

that's so true. My son like a calling thins inappropriate. I obviously overuse that word!

OP I think people are being a bit harsh. it sounds like she knew it was a bit cheeky but didn't really know why. I think the woman overreacted and should have let you discipline her. 5 is really very young.

Of course children say silly and embarrassing things, but as a parent it's your job to pull them up on it and tell them it's rude/unacceptable.

This woman might not be fat, but that's really not the point. If she thinks it's okay to say to your friend, she'll think it's okay to say to anyone!

Before I had a chance to tell her not to say it, the mother raised her voice and really told her off,

Why were you so slow on the uptake? Did it not immediately register with you that this was really rude? Possibly your slowness to respond has something to do with the mothers slightly ott reaction.

If I was the other mother I’d take your lack of speed in jumping in as you thinking it’s okay to talk like that.

As someone with a child with SEN - children being 'silly' seems to just be a get out clause to excuse low level bullying and minimise mean behaviour.

Do some people's children NEVER say silly or embarrassing things?

Ermm, probably. They wouldn't say hurtful things to others though. They never have. Its a big thing in our house not to do that though, always has been. I guess they are silly in other ways.

I think the woman should have perhaps waited to see how you handled it before leaping in. But your DD wasn't just being silly, calling someone fat is incredibly rude and you'd do her a disservice if you downplayed it and allowed her to think it was acceptable.

It's not ideal but it's done; speak to the other Mum when you see her next and get over it; she apologised for shouting, your DD has learned a valuable lesson to think before she opens her mouth and you don't have to let it be awkward.

I'm sorry op but I'm with the women here. When you're getting insulted you don't look at it like that "awww she's only a kid". Perhaps now someone else has told she'll learn.

Complete over reaction from the woman!
You are on the over-hand taking your daughter's comment too lightly. It's not a big deal, but it's not just something "silly", it's not an acceptable thing to say, they need to learn you don't comment on other people's appearance.

All the kids say embarrassing things, but you don't laugh about it there and then.

On a practical note, with the amount of fat people and obesity, it's totally not politically correct and much less tolerated than other words.

She shouldn't have told your child off I don't know anyone who would do that to a child that wasn't family, it was your job to parent not hers

Do some people's children NEVER say silly or embarrassing things?

Of course they do. But calling someone fat is deliberately unkind and, if I'm honest, I can take all the silliness and embarrassing behaviour but I won't tolerate unkindness.

DS2 told his teacher that I dropped a bottle of gin on the drive at the weekend and cried over it (it had been a tough week, I'd terrible toothache and it was just the miserable icing on the mardy cake). His teacher howled laughing as she repeated the story back to me, while I stood mortified that he'd so gleefully grassed me up. But I don't even know the last time he was unkind because it's such a rarity.

"In my opinion, my daughter was just being a bit silly, "

Saying silly things isn't the same as calling people names.

We should teach our children, as young as possible, usually around three, not to comment on other peoples appearance.

This is more important for this generation, than any other. We should be teaching them that we don't need validation from others and likewise, we don't need to appraise others, unless asked to.

Well it's a lesson learned for your daughter not to be rude in future! At 5 she's probably old enough to have known better but at least she'll know now. She probably was just being silly but that doesn't mean she wasn't also rude, and it's as well that she learns to be nice when she's this age.

It sounds like the other mother was more forthright than she needed to be, but I can see it from her point of view. She wanted to stand up for herself and set an example to her own children I expect.

I would explain to your daughter that you know she didn't mean to be rude but that she was and she will know better for the future.

It depends on how the woman reacted, if she was huffy and said "well that's very rude, come on DC, we don't want to walk with people who are rude" and marched off with her kids, I think she was a little dramatic but natural consequences for your child that I agree with and have done similar with rude children. It's a way of just letting them know it's not okay.
If she shouted at your daughter, then no, it's not her place to discipline your DD, especially when you hadn't had the chance to react.

I'd assume there was something else going on, most people wouldn't react at all. Maybe she has weight issues or is worried her DC will/have. Maybe her DC have told her your DD is often rude or someone else is and she was trying to teach them how to be assertive etc. Regardless is she came back later to apologise she is probably feeling pretty shitty about the whole thing, I'd sit DD down, tell her you to know she was just trying to be funny and silly but saying things about people that aren't kind upsets them and sometimes that's what happens when people get upset. She too should apologise and then you should all try to be better friends. And demonstrate that by being normal with your friend.

Your daughter obviously knows enough that calling someone fat is nasty and that it is funny to mock fat people. That must have come from somewhere OP.

I think the mother did over react by shouting but you also have no idea about her own struggles.

Maybe you should look a bit closer to home and start educating your daughter on being kind and not pointing out other peoples faults.

Definitely OTT reaction.

5 year olds delight in being rude sometimes. Grown ups should be a little more relaxed about this.

Come people, the girl is 5, not 15. At that age they have a very limited understanding of how hurtful some things are.
I'd expect the parents of such child to tell them straight away it's wrong. However, I certainly wouldn't go as far as exclude the child from walking together, more like strike a conversation wit her, as in why would you think so etc.
I once had an embarrassing situation when my DD, about 4 at the time, saw a woman in a burqa, the first time in her life and her immediate reaction was to point at her and call her a witch, because she's been watching cartoons where the witches were all dressed in black long dresses. I immediately chided her, apologised to the lady and explained to DD the reason why the lady was dressed the way she was.
What meaning would it have had if I had a very rude and huge go at a 4y old? Would she have learned anything? Certainly not. Children still learn at that age, including manners, being considerate etc. We need to take the opportunity to teach them that, not punish them straight away.

You keep saying 'but they are thin!'
They may not have always been thin. That mother could well have been bullied unmercifully as a kid for being large, hence her over reaction.
Your child was rude sorry, I would have admonished mine before anyone else had a chance to. The 5 year old (who is in no way a genius) would know this wasn't an acceptable word to use as we talk about being mean and being kind at home.

I remember being mortified when DD2 told me that one of her friends had spoken of me as 'fat' (apparently her mum had described me in that way). This was over a year ago when they were both in reception. I was overweight at the time so it was quite humiliating, but this woman has always been a bit off with me.

My DDs are very slim and they do occasionally comment on the fact that I'm still a little overweight, and I agree that I am, but they mustn't ever say that about other people. And actually they don't.

I personally wouldn't make a fuss about it in the other mother's position, but it sounds like you didn't speak up quickly enough.

And what did you do when the other mother told her off? Jump right in and agree and take over? Or stand there silently, surprised the other mother didn’t realise it was just a “silly” remark?

You had time to take over within the first sentence the other mother said to your daughter. But you didn’t.

The other mother may be overreacting - but you seem to be underreacting - big time.

It is not silly or cute to have a 5 year old that insults other people. She's big enough to be taught about not commenting on appearance and insults - so why aren't you correcting her? You will do her no favours if you continue to laugh off her "silly insults" as if you think they are cute.

Fat is the word of the moment in my 5yo reception class. Every one of the children i know from there has a stream of 'you big fat poo' 'fat wee' 'poo fat' etc. I don't even think they know what it means.

We also struggle with explaining it's not nice because they have only heard it in a jokey or affectionate way. DS1 &2 had a lovely preschool lady who constantly said it about herself and things, 'look at my big fat cuddly tummy' and 'give me a big fat hug' etc.

They also saw loads of things over christmas about jolly fat santa and my Mum teasingly says things like 'shove your fat bum over' if they are sitting on the sofa etc.

They don't see it as negative at all as they've never heard it used in that context. The ultimate insult that every adult seems to laugh at indulgently is calling someone a girl. Which i find much more offensive.