5 year old jokingly calling someone fat

[Mother40]

On the way to school today we saw some people we knew (the mother is usually part of the weekly coffee group so I know her quite well). My 5 year old daughter decided she thought it would be funny to say to the mother and child (and to myself and her brother) that we were fat. She was laughing as she said it and none of us could be described as fat, so obviously not true. Before I had a chance to tell her not to say it, the mother raised her voice and really told her off, saying they didn't want t o walk with us as she was rude. My daughter burst into tears.

I'm my opinion, my daughter was just being a bit silly, like when children call some one smelly etc. I didn't think it warranted the other mother to speak the way she did to her. The woman came up to her after to say sorry for shouting but still saying to me she shouldn't be so rude.

What are others opinions on this? It has now made it really awkward with the other mother.

There a difference between name-calling to hurt someone and name-calling in a joking way to make someone laugh. I think OP was saying her child meant to be funny. Kids call each other things all the time just because they think it's funny. If it was upsetting someone then that's different.

Yes your daughter was rude, at 5 she should know that, but the mother did not give you a chance to apologise or rectify the situation. I am glad she apologised to your daughter afterwards, but you cannot control what comes out of your child's mouth. What you can do is sit her down, and talk about the situation in a calm manner, and tell her why she was rude and not to do it again. It is good that the woman did shout at her, at least it might not happen again. Sometimes that from a stranger, is more effective. I find that, they don't listen to me, but if somebody else pulled them up on it, they would.

Come people, the girl is 5, not 15. At that age they have a very limited understanding of how hurtful some things are.

If someone else's little girl told her she was ugly I'm sure she'd understand how hurtful that was.

Calling people names to be funny isn't kind. And some people will be upset.

So by 5yo a child needs to know that

1. there is nothing wrong with being fat
2. never to refer to anyone as fat.

I think being able to navigate around the sensitivities of adults is quite tricky and requires the kind of guidance that goes beyond a swift telling off from a random.

That is why op should sit down calmly and have a chat to her dd about this. I remember being told off by somebody when I was little, messing about or something, and I never did it again. It was like a short sharp shock.

Calling another child fat when they aren’t is setting that child up for a lifetime of weight issues. OP needs to have a word with her dd and ensure she never name calls again.

”The woman totally overreacted! My just turned 5yr old nephew recently called me fat and I just had a laugh with it but then gently explained that he really shouldn't call other people that as some may get upset.When my son was 3 or 4 he told one of my best friends that she was 'so fat she could pop off' she though it was hilarious and she still brings it up now,15yrs later and laughs about it.I'd just get less uptight friends if I were you.”

Sorry, @NutElla5x - but it is not ‘uptight’ to be upset by a nasty, personal comment like this.

And whilst some people will be able to laugh off being called fat, many others will be upset, so surely it is better to err on the side of caution, and refrain from this sort of joke - and to teach our children this, too.

Empathy is only developed around that age so she is only starting to understand what others may be feeling.
You are all being OTT!! Yes she shouldn't have said it but there is no need to shout at her, just a quick talk to explain that this kind of comment can hurt. You need to grow up people if you're that upset about a little girl using the word 'fat'. We need to stop being so prudish and avoiding real communication and social interaction. She is still learning fgs! Give the kid a chance!!

Yes, fine. But in telling them remember that
we shouldn't comment on how anyone looks despite the fact that the appearance of a child is often the topic of conversation and that they are not to comment on how this may be unfair/ why this is allowed/ why the difference between these two positions is definitely not funny or a source of amusement when you don't follow the rules.

It is not a nasty personal comment, it is a word said without thinking by a 5year old. Yes she needs to be told that it can upset etc but no need for shouting!

Do you never say something stupid and then regret it? How would you feel if the other person started shouting at you for it before you could apologise? It would have been humiliating. Better to explain calmly the situation and give her a chance to apologise. I can't imagine someone shouting at an adult in that situation. Why is it OK to shout at a kid??

Whether or not she was serious, I appreciate that the other mother wouldn't want her kids picking up on the concept of fat as an insult.

And this:

I think she did you a favour by making it clear to your daughter that calling people fat (or more generally commenting on / insulting their appearance) is not funny, is very rude, and is not going to provoke a positive reaction. Don't you want her to learn that lesson?

I think a lot of responses on here show a total lack of knowledge about child development and what the language, social skills and emotional intelligence of a typical 5 year old actually are.

There's also a lot of projecting. As long as OP took this as a learning opportunity for her dd, surely this is just an incident to move on from.

PS: the other Mum should worry more about how rude and unkind she was to you. She should know better than to tell your kid off.

Maybe it's a sore point for the Mum. Maybe a sore point for the child. They may well be thin but you don't know if the Mum feels she's fat or any other issues. I'd be mortified and furious regardless of the person was big or small.

^ This.

Well said, @IceSwan

If the child makes hurtful remarks someone will be hurt by them. OP you have no right to decide that this woman isn’t “fat enough” to be hurt. It was right for the woman to tell your child she was being rude and unkind. She was.

My nieces says silly stuff. There kids. They don't discriminate, they aren't unkind. It's like saying poo poo or bum bum. My neighbours daughter laughed and giggled because she could see my bra. Things that are deemed as inappropriate can be amusing. In the comfort of friends/family. Those who WONT over react and get unnecessarily offended I love the kids around me being silly. They love it too. They are all polite, well behaved children and I will happily take any of them out in public with no fear of embarrassment. Kids are kids OP don't worry x

Well said Alexkate. I also wonder how people here would like it next time say they have a slip of the tongue if someone pounces on them and start shouting at them in front of others without giving them the opportunity to apologise first.

I would be mortified if that was one of my DDs. And I cant imagine anyone beating me to the "dont say that, thats rude" stage. Yes she is 5, however she called your friend a name. Your friend responded. I dont see the issue with that direct conversation. However shouting is a bit OTT (but she did apologise for that).

In reception my DD came home upset and, almost whispering, told me someone had called one of the other girls (Child X) fat. This child was overweight and my daughter was mortified. She had gone and told the teacher but was so upset someone would be so mean to someone else. Apparently Child X had brushed it off but my DD was mortified. So I do believe a 5 year old knows the difference between silly and mean.

I would now be embarrassed as that story (but told from the other side) will now go round the group of coffee friends

I really can’t imagine either of my children thinking it acceptable to say that at five, to be honest, and one has special needs.

I still say silly things and I'm nearly 50.

Do you go around calling people fat? Do you think that's silly, or nasty?

My daughter says silly things on a regular basis. She also takes very well to silly things being said to her by other children/her siblings. She doesn't get offended or hurt when she knows it is said in jest. Of course I will remind her of the acceptable social boundaries, but with love and respect.
She is also the kind to take ages to draw a special picture for someone she is thinking about and takes great pleasure in giving gifts and cuddles to people around her. And often not the 'obvious' people, she pays attention to everyone.
Everyone is different, respect that.

Kids say mean stuff. It's our job to guide them into kind people.
Alex the OP isn't taking it as a "learning opportunity" for the child. Instead OP is complaining the person who told her rude child not to be rude was being unreasonable.

I wouldn't tell another child off, but would with mine straight away, before the other parent had a chance to. Most of the time, the offended party is more angry with the child's parent for not reacting rather than the child. I do think the other parent overreacted a little but maybe she used to be overweight and it was a touchy subject.

Sorry, @NutElla5x* - but it is not ‘uptight’ to be upset by a nasty, personal comment like this.

And whilst some people will be able to laugh off being called fat, many others will be upset, so surely it is better to err on the side of caution, and refrain from this sort of joke - and to teach our children this, too.*

Firstly the child was addressing the whole group,so her 'nasty'(jokey I'd say) comment was hardly personal.
Secondly I agree we should all be teaching our children good manners,but to me it is just unsophisticated banter on the child's part and the child does not deserve the demonisation she is getting on here for having a joke for goodness sake!

I think the OP would have got very different responses if she'd acknowledge the issue, "I'm mortified, my child called somebody fat and I completely failed to react so the other parent had to say something". That's very different to "my poor little girl got shouted at by the meany adult for being silly".