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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

5 year old jokingly calling someone fat

196 replies

Mother40 · 16/05/2018 09:58

On the way to school today we saw some people we knew (the mother is usually part of the weekly coffee group so I know her quite well). My 5 year old daughter decided she thought it would be funny to say to the mother and child (and to myself and her brother) that we were fat. She was laughing as she said it and none of us could be described as fat, so obviously not true. Before I had a chance to tell her not to say it, the mother raised her voice and really told her off, saying they didn't want t o walk with us as she was rude. My daughter burst into tears.

I'm my opinion, my daughter was just being a bit silly, like when children call some one smelly etc. I didn't think it warranted the other mother to speak the way she did to her. The woman came up to her after to say sorry for shouting but still saying to me she shouldn't be so rude.

What are others opinions on this? It has now made it really awkward with the other mother.

OP posts:

cunningartificer · 16/05/2018 11:46

If your daughter had time to call all four of you ‘fat’, then I suggest that you delayed too long in intervening. From your description, the ‘raised voice’ was not shouting but speaking over your daughter’s laughing and rudeness. I’d be embarrassed I hadn’t intervened myself, and grateful the other mother taught her a useful life lesson about how words and ‘jokes’ can lose friends.

LeapToad · 16/05/2018 11:54

I don't see anything wrong with this to be honest. A quick word of that's not a very nice thing to say it might upset people would've been an appropriate reaction.
If shed called someone else fat that would be different but she said 'we're fat' which includes herself, she could've easily said it after looking at your shadows or anything so for the mum to react like that without questioning it is OTT.

MmeButtox · 16/05/2018 11:55

It sounds like childish silliness to me, a five year old calling obviously thin people "fat"...I'd have been much more upset with her if she'd said it to someone who could legitimately be described that way. From a childish perspective if her "insult" was very obviously untrue it may well have been meant as a joke but it's probably best she was told off so it doesn't happen again, as it could obviously be very hurtful if mistimed (as it was!) I'd just assume it's one of those "kid" things where they think they are being witty but are actually being obnoxious, and leave it at that. I presume the lesson is now learnt and it should blow over?

RailReplacementBusService · 16/05/2018 11:58

The mother overreacted but your child was rude. Perhaps they didn’t mean to be but that doesn’t mean it was ok. Purely to dismiss comments like that as silliness allows meanness to go unchecked.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/05/2018 12:04

@MmeButtox - I'm sorry, but I don't think it is OK even to call a thin person fat. If you read @UserV's account of her friend's anorexia, and how a comment undid all the good work she'd done toward recovering from it, you will see how even a thin person might be damaged by such a comment.

Sockwomble · 16/05/2018 12:05

If she understands enough to think it is funny to call someone fat then she understands enough to be told off for it. The telling off should have come from you but perhaps you weren't quick enough.
Those sort of comments can cause upset to other children at school so I wouldn't view them as silly.

Original poster

Mother40 · 16/05/2018 12:06

Like I said, I have never called people fat in front of her, do not think it was funny in the slightest but also do not think it is terrible.

OP posts:

TheBogWitchIsBack · 16/05/2018 12:11

I don't think she should have made your dd cry, that was uncalled for. I do think it's rude to make comments about other people's appearance or how they smell.
If my child was making a joke about someone being fat or smelly i would immediately shut it down.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 16/05/2018 12:13

I'm sorry, but I do think it is pretty nasty, @Mother40 - and clearly the other mum took it more seriously than you did.

Has your dd done this before? If she did, how did you react? Did you tell her she mustn't do it, or did you shrug it off the way you have in your latest post? If it was the latter, then you have done her a disservice - if she'd been made aware, from the get-go, that this is NOT a nice thing to say to anyone, she wouldn't have said it today and wouldn't have been told off by the other mum. Obviously, if this is the first time she's ever said this to anyone, this does not apply.

PhoebeUrsula · 16/05/2018 12:13

She was rude, but 5 year olds are still so little and won't have realised it could hurt. Pulling up on it so she won't do it again - fine.
Other mum went a bit OTT though with the not walking together bit.
As for the poster fat shaming is bad as racism?! FFS. Erm, no. (and I say this as someone who's overweight!)

NutElla5x · 16/05/2018 12:14

The woman totally overreacted! My just turned 5yr old nephew recently called me fat and I just had a laugh with it but then gently explained that he really shouldn't call other people that as some may get upset.When my son was 3 or 4 he told one of my best friends that she was 'so fat she could pop off' she though it was hilarious and she still brings it up now,15yrs later and laughs about it.I'd just get less uptight friends if I were you.

CoupleOfPushBacks · 16/05/2018 12:19

Let's be honest, if a child goes round insulting people & only getting told off by their mother......doesn't that only teach the child that no one will say anything??

Personally, if my DS insulted someone like that, I'd back the person who told him off and would simply say "if you don't want to be spoken to like that then don't insult people!"

IceSwan · 16/05/2018 12:20

Maybe it's a sore point for the Mum. Maybe a sore point for the child. They may well be thin but you don't know if the Mum feels she's fat or any other issues. I'd be mortified and furious regardless of the person was big or small.

It's not acceptable regardless and I would have waited to see how you dealt with it. She was showing her own DD that you don't just have to tolerate an insult.

If I had been there and you underplayed it, I think I would have said I didn't want to walk with you either. She shouldn't have shouted. That does tell me it's a sore point somehow.

UrgentScurryfunge · 16/05/2018 12:25

I've got a chatty and frequently silly 5 year old who often thinks through his mouth. It is an age where they experiment socially. At this point both of mine have had favourite words including "poo" and "bum".

Recently the 5 year old blurted out "are you old?" to the lady cleaning the tables in a cafe. Before I could respond, she took it in good humour and she was joking that she was a hundred. Another person could have taken offense. It can be difficult to challenge children's comments on the right level particularly when they can get mixed responses, and trying not to open a can of worms by inadvertantly saying that old or in OP's case, fat are something wrong and to be ashamed about because they make other people feel bad. (And it's this kind of thinking about how to deal with the comment that can cause a short delay that allows another person to get in quicker with an emotional response.)

5 year olds can't make comments without impunity, they do need to be taught social boundaries which takes time and experience. The reaction that OP's daughter recieved was excessive and says more about that person than the OP's DD.

Wolfiefan · 16/05/2018 12:25

She was rude. Being rude is not ok. You should have made that clear to your child before someone else had to step in and do it for you.

amusedbush · 16/05/2018 12:25

that's fantastic. No way could you get away with this nowadays.

It was last year!

thecatsthecats · 16/05/2018 12:26

CoupleOfPushBacks - that's what I was thinking. Kids don't just learn from their parents. Excluding incidents of genuine trauma, it does them no harm at all to learn that people are different, have different reactions, and you can't always just blurt out what's on your mind.

If you don't, you end up with the kind of thick people who think that always speaking your mind is some kind of virtue.

Alexkate2468 · 16/05/2018 12:26

A lot of people are projecting their associations with the word fat here. To a 5 year old it IS the same as stinky or crazy. As adults, we know it's not... But 5 year olds don't. They're still learning what's right and wrong and make mistakes. They're terrible socially, really 😂. This was a good opportunity for her to learn. Just chat to her about it and say that you know she didn't mean any harm but that it's not a nice thing to say and have a chat about commenting on people's appearances. She'll still make mistakes... She's 5.

UnicornRainbowColours · 16/05/2018 12:27

I’m sorry no at 5 that’s bloody rude!! And even if you feel she doesn’t know any better then you teach her it’s rude.

Alexkate2468 · 16/05/2018 12:28

To others wondering where she's learnt that... It could be anywhere. My 6yr old DD called my DH a freak the other day... She didn't learn it from us and again, didn't know what it meant really.

Alexkate2468 · 16/05/2018 12:30

Unicorn...do you know any 5 year olds. They're still so very little and socially unaware. Some may be more mature but generally they mean no harm. They've not had the experience of life to fully understand what using those words actually means to some people.

Wolfiefan · 16/05/2018 12:31

A child saying someone is stinky isn't ok either. Kids only learn not to namecall and be unkind if they are told not to do so. OP won't do this as it's not "terrible".

lostinsunshine · 16/05/2018 12:37

At that age, I would gently pick it up as a hurtful and wrong thing to say.
My dd is 11 and started using the term fat cow for anything (or anyone) she doesn't like - homework the other day (not the person who set it; the actual maths homework) was a fat cow. I pull her up on the term a little more firmly and she apologises now as if she had accidentally said "shit".

MatildaTheCat · 16/05/2018 12:38

Look, you don’t think being called fat is awful but the point is that your friend clearly does. We all have different tipping points but if she shouted then she was really upset by the fat insult.

Use this as a learn curve for you and DD. Have a chat later about never making jokes or comments on other people or their lives. ‘If you’ve nothing nice to say...’

Apologise to your friend and walk together as usual and let it blow over.

Colbu24 · 16/05/2018 12:39

I still say silly things and I'm nearly 50.
If one of my friends had said that I wouldn't even have reacted.
Your daughter is only young and still learning.
The other Mum she is so ott. I would not take kindly to someone telling my child off.
This woman didn't even give you the chance to say anything to your own dd.

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