No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

[fikit]

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

Lovely use of the word 'goon' cat lady...
Hope you are ok op

OP - welcome to my life!!

6 months after he walked out on us, their DC was born!!! Could I bring them down to see new sibling, as she was struggling. 3rd child so not like she was a new mum.
If I did not then they would not see new sib for 4-6 months!!!

Having told them she was pregnant on the anniversary of my parents death and not mentioned it again - the mental stress round this event was massive . DCs4 and 6.

I did take them down, with a friend for support and 2 hrs later picked them up and friend drove them home as he cuddled them in the back seat.

4 yrs later - I am glad I did it. there is no comeback on me - the fall out and believe me the fallout will be there, the questions etc etc need you to be in the position to know oyu did the right thing -regardless of the circumstance.

So I would drive down with a friend, stay and drive them home - they are going to need you and you need some support. I howled as I waited - I was pregnant when EX left and lost the baby 2 weeks later - our due dates were within weeks.

I get the impression, once they get their own DCs, yours are going to get sidelined by this twunt and you being the solid rock in their lives is going to be key.

Like you -I ended up in the small house 2 up/2 down and EX was in the 5 bed house with a games room etc etc - the questions still happen.

School fees - I kept mine where they were and paid the fees, EX has not contributed. They needed the stability and support that they would not get in our local over subscribed failing primary school. I get your issues here.

The wedding is day 1 of purgatory and there will be more. To the idiot on here who said get over it - you will but in time and 1 year for this sort of mind fuck is very short - you will get there.

The world really does revolve around him doesn't it.
Timings may well be tricky but his children should have been factored in a long time ago.
I don't have any answers just gobsmacked at his behaviour.

@takeittakeit wow. Your ex sounds like a prize twat.

Well done to you, for putting your dc first and remaining composed throughout

I can’t believe the people who say that the daughters should go in case they are upset by not having pretty dresses, cake and a party. Let’s teach the girls that everything is marvellous if you have a pretty dress and there’s enough cake, shall we?

Plus all this rubbish about the OP being the better person and facilitating all this selfish whitewashing of the past. The better person in this case should have enough self respect to expect to be treated properly and to show her DC that fully functioning adults do not allow themselves to be walked over.

The ex P is behaving in the worst way possible, being completely disrespectful to the mother of his children and treating his children as props in some ludicrous show of true love to a woman who has behaved as badly as he has.

For her own self respect, the OP should state clearly that if their father wants to pick them up, take responsibility for them during the wedding/reception and then personally return them to their home, the children may go to the wedding. There should be no alternative.

In my opinion, the children should not go to the wedding anyway because once the reception starts and people are drinking, no one will want to be bothered with the girls for more than a few minutes and they will get very bored/unhappy. I’ve seen this at numerous weddings over the years. It only works if people are prepared to parent their own kids and that seldom happens when the alcohol flows freely. And that is in addition to any upset they may feel.

And all this nonsense about how the DC will look back and say how proud they are that their DM nobly sacrificed her feelings so that they could go to the wedding... Frankly, they just won’t care and I say that as the daughter of a very similar sounding father.

If OP goes along with what her ex P wants, she is teaching her daughters that no one’s feelings count except Daddy’s and that is just not healthy.

This man's a dickwad, clearly.

BUT - for your daughters' sake, and because you don't know what sort of person his fiancée is, and because people sometimes (very unfairly) transfer their feelings onto those who are completely innocent - I would go along with it. Just this once.

Essentially, because I would be worried about the stepmother taking out her annoyance with you on your daughters (and, given that their father is an arsehole, I wouldn't count on him standing up for his own daughters).

So yes, I would bite the bullet and be done with it.

No she is not being walked all over - I made a choice and the choice was for my DCs. At no point in the future can my DCs say I prevented them from knowing their Sib.

And because 4 yrs down the line you do not know what will happen.

I take the position of moral superiority and never lowered my self to their CF levels and believe me there have been more than this one.

FYI - they have now split up and my DCS proudly tell their sib, they were there on the first day they were born and gave them their first cuddles .

Are you OK, @fikit?

fikit how did it all go?

Drop them off and go and pick them up.

Just make sure that you find some hunky younger guy to drive you there in his convertible sports car and you are dressed up to look like a million dollars.

I am strict with the normal, everyday weekend visits, we have a set time, a contact agreement with regards to checking in - but my terms were that he came to pick them up for their weekends.

In the words of my solicitor in a similar situation...... "If he can't collect the children on the arranged day and time of the visitation then he doesn't get the visitation. It is not your obligation to arrange transport."

This is assuming that you obtained a contact order via the courts as I had, but seeing as you have been firm in the fact that he collects and returns for visitation I would be inclined to continue being rigid. You have no obligation to rearrange your day to suit your ex regardless of if it's a special day for him. He should have taken his visitation with his kids into consideration when planning his wedding. He thought enough to want to make them flower girls but didn't plan for how they were going to attend the wedding. His problem not yours and you shouldn't stress at all over it.

Was there ever an update from the OP?

Hi.

Wedding has now taken place. It was some time ago - wanted to be vague with the dates.

I did let the girls go. DD1 asked to go, but wanted me nearby in case she changed her mind. I drove them as far as the town and then SIL picked them up and took them to the venue and I went and caught up with work emails.

They did their bit at the ceremony (DD2 definitely did not throw a very loud, red-faced, stamping, screaming, howling great tantrum in the middle of the photos and consequently is in absolutely none of them.)

DD1, according to mutual friends, was flawlessly behaved but very quiet and asked to go home as soon as the photos were done and they moved onto the wedding breakfast. SIL drove the girls to me after DD2 had a second meltdown.

They seemed fine - they were chatty about the wedding on the way home etc, but they were both very anxious that night and didn't sleep much, and haven't talked about it since. Ex P is back from HM and it's his contact weekend this coming weekend and both girls have asked (separately) if they have to go. DD1 has also told me, explicitly, that she doesn't want to go to [XP] and [New Wife's] house this weekend and can she stay with me? What on earth do I do in this situation?? I don't want to force her if she's going to be desperately unhappy, but this is an agreed contact weekend and XP will turn it into an argument which will make matters worse for her.

Anyone have any suggestions/similar experiences that could reassure a very anxious moi?

Could you and XP talk to the girls together to reiterate that his love for them hasn't changed?

Hope you are ok OP

Are you prepared to go down in family history as being so mean that you stopped your girls going to their own Father's wedding?
Because that is what will happen.

Todays little girls are tomorrows' teenagers from hell.

Your girls are too young to be asked their opinions.
You should let them go.
How they get there is another matter and not one you need to sort out.

As others have said, get your ex and his new squeeze to organise the transport for your girls. I don't blame you one bit for being upset however it will be nice for your daughters to be flower girls. I don't know your financial circumstances but if you could rent a hotel room nearby for the three of you on the night of the wedding, someone could drop them off to you there afterwards. You could pamper yourself at the hotel for a while!

Other than that, you going away on a weekend break sounds good but it might be obvious you are only doing it to avoid the wedding.

All the best to you and let us know what you decide and how it all turns out.

Hang on a minute, I'm too late with advice, the wedding is over.

On to your next post,
Keep the girls in a regular routine. They will get used to the new house/circumstances.
Your Ex can always bring them back if it's absolutely necessary.

I think that you should go along with the plans,as that are suggested for you, re your ex's wedding. It will be so good for you,that you can do this for your daughters without any hassle at all. You are obviously upset about things, but on the other hand,you seem very level headed about the sad situation.. Never mind about the honeymoons and the cars etc, you are the winner,with your two children.

I do know how it is with a bloke who you have spent years with, and he suddenly trades you in for a new model, or maybe an old banger .

I read your thread at the beginning and I really admire you for actually letting your daughters attend the wedding, I don’t know if I could have done that.
If I were in your shoes I would tell arsehole ex exactly what you have written here.
Your daughters were upset and disturbed by the wedding and don’t want to visit
It’s his shitty behaviour that has caused this, he won’t see this though and will probably blame everyone else
Wishing you all the best

I wish people would read the thread. I think you handled that very well OP. I can’t advise on the contact front but I’m sure lots of people here will have experienced similar and be able to help.

Well done fikit. And well done your girls! Your older girl’s flawless but subdued behaviour and request to go home at the earliest opportunity and your little one’s meltdowns will have left the other guests in absolutely no doubt as to their feelings about their father’s marriage. And you can’t be blamed for anything because you went above and beyond.

I would tell your daughters that it is important for them to spend time with their father, but if they are at his house and they want to come home, they should phone you straight away and you’ll come and get them. See how that goes...

OP

I would start a new thread on this and link this, I am sorry I don't have any real advice, but you are going to get people replying to your op not reading your update.

Personally I would speak to your ex and say your daughters are very unsettled and could he take them out somewhere and maybe that might help, but you have no control over whether he does that

Sadly, it doesn’t seem to be that unusual for men who are anti-marriage to do a volte face very quickly in a subsequent relationship

Very true. Its happened to 2 friends of mine, and a woman I worked with years ago.

If I was in your shoes OP I'd have nothing to do with it, the whole lot of them could fuck off to another dimension for all I'd care. The absolute, utter cheek of them. I'm sure missing the wedding won't traumatise your DCs in the scheme of life.

. Can you imagine how confused theyd be watching their dad making vows to someone else

Just fuck off would be the sign on my door

Definitely start a new thread. I'm glad the day of the wedding went reasonably ok...

Have the girls had any kind of outside support through this? How is ex at reassuring them and how much of their daily routine was he involved in prior to your split? Bed time stories and that kind of thing?

I would tell him straight out that DD1 doesn't want to go.

He's such an arsehole.

Hugs, this must be difficult. I suggest contacting your ex to sort the arrangements. Tell him you will drop the girls off the night before and pick them up the day after. Let him worry about everything else. Just smile and tell the girls how exciting it's going to be and you can't wait to see a photo of them all dressed up.