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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
StepBackNow · 31/05/2018 07:30

No way! Stand firm, OP. This will be the first of many "just this once" situations. If he really wanted them there he'd sort it.

MachineBee · 31/05/2018 07:39

I think Gamba has the perfect reply. If I was you OP, I wouldn’t be allowing my DDs to be part of this.

roundthehorn · 31/05/2018 08:05

My daughters, 20, 18 and 14, went to their father's wedding last year. We have been separated/divorced for 12 years and they were happy to go shopping for new frocks etc. It was a very elaborate ceremony and large reception with my DDs on a table with some of their dad's employees.

I will never forget my 20 year old daughter crying and keening, almost incoherent with grief down the phone to me after walking out of the speeches. Hearing her father wax lyrically about his profound and pure love for the only woman he has truly loved broke her heart. The other two left shortly after, the 14 year old staggered to have learned that not only was NW his greatest love but had been for 15 years!
I would not let such littlies go without a very familiar, much loved carer for them to sit with and help witness the official end to their little family unit. Such a sad day for all of you Fikit

ADarkandStormyKnight · 31/05/2018 08:14

Round Your daughters were sat with their Dad's employees? What is it with these stupid men and their stupid new wives.

CageyBee · 31/05/2018 08:24

OP I don’t think it’s in your DDs best interests to attend.

Nellyphants · 31/05/2018 08:35

Yeah a darkand stormy, they’re part of the brand aren’t they? Important business man with beautiful daughters. They should be grateful

roundthehorn · 31/05/2018 08:37

ADark I know right! His parents and sisters sat at the top table along with NW (originally OW) and her daughter, but no room for his kids. To be fair most of his guests were employees and clients, I got custody of our friends in the divorce Grin, but I was surprised that their GPs chose to sit up front instead of supporting my girls.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 31/05/2018 08:53

Some people are utterly oblivious of other people's feelings. Some are just conditioned to 'go along' with whatever seems to be happening. The chances are that if anyone did question the arrangements they would be told it's all sorted and everyone (in particular the injured party) is 'fine' about it.

DailyMailClickbait · 31/05/2018 09:00

God he's a bellend, isn't he?

I'd reply very calmly and factually:

Whilst I am keen to ensure the girls don't miss out, you cannot seriously expect me to agree to turn up to the reception of your wedding to the woman you had an affair with. However I don't want there to be any ill-feeling and I am happy to ensure the girls are available to attend, and I'll accommodate the change in normal contact arrangements because you will be on holiday after the event. Please let me know who will be collecting and returning the girls and what the timings are.

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 31/05/2018 09:04

Present him with two options:

The children do need a parent figure there, he's quite right. Obviously, that's not going to be you, so he'll have to take his due responsibility.

You've thought about it and it's in the best interests of the children not to go. As a concerned parent, I'm sure he appreciates this, and is willing to do everything it takes for their emotional security.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 31/05/2018 09:05

Good answer.

I'd add in you cannot seriously expect me to forego my plans for my birthday in order to attend the reception of your wedding to the woman you had an affair with.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 31/05/2018 09:05

If I was the OW there would be no way I would want his ex turning up at my wedding This and the fact that YOU don't want to be there, shows exactly what a selfish cunt this man is.

He has no consideration for his DDs' feelings, for your feelings or indeed for his new wife's feelings on this - who would want their spouse's ex turning up at their wedding?!

I bet he's sold it to her as the only way that he can give her his full attention because otherwise it will - rightly - end up that he has to parent his DCs on the day instead of making her the centre of his world.

OP I really hope that his most recent heartless message has put an end to any ideas you had about facilitating this shit show. It's just the once indeed. What a bellend.

I think you need to make it clear to him, preferably without setting a precedent for any future requests YOU might have of him, that this isn't going to happen. This is not like any other weekend, if he were taking them to his parents house and needed you to help out I'm sure you would.

However, I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of pointing out how hard it is for you emotionally, but concentrate instead on the fact that its your birthday, he's invited them to be part of this day and its his weekend. He wants them there, he sorts logistics because you're away/out for your birthday. If he doesn't want them/can't entertain them for the duration of the wedding and arrange their travel then they can't go. End of.

If they have been spending time with this woman while staying with him then I don't think the worries about seeing him marry her will be founded. If she is generally nice to them and they are excited about wearing a pretty dress etc I'm sure the inappropriateness will go over their heads. At their ages I think the time you've been apart will feel a lot longer. That's not to say they won't wish you were still together, but I don't think they will be upset about the vows etc as an older child might.

So don't feel like you need to be on hand, go and do something nice to try and take your mind off it - he's their dad, the least he can do when he's invited them to be part of this day is to fucking parent them.

@roundthehorn your ex sounds like a right fucking prize - your poor DDs Sad

SorenLorensonsInvisibleFriend · 31/05/2018 09:06

"Hi Shitface, can't help on this occasion, maybe next time. Let me know if you want the girls that day or not. Cheers"

Love your work, @MissMary0fSweden

Cuppaoftea · 31/05/2018 09:24

What a bastard.

I would stonewall any further discussion about assistance from you. 'No as I previously said I won't be involved, let me know your arrangements for collecting and dropping back the girls' and repeat to him and any other members of his family he gets to contact you.

Lweji · 31/05/2018 09:34

"My one time favour to you is allowing them to go to your wedding on the weekend I was supposed to have them and that it's also my birthday. The rest is entirely up to you. If you pester me further, then I'll reconsider that massive favour."

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 31/05/2018 09:46

God what a nasty piece of work he is.

How about: "Since I know you are not generally an insensitive person I can only assume this breathtaking cruelty is deliberate. I am not going to change my plans to celebrate my birthday in order to facilitate your wedding to the woman you betrayed me with. And if you cannot demonstrate that you have given careful thought to how my children will be cared for and supported in what may be a difficult day for them emotionally, they will not be attending. We are people, not props to help you and OW whitewash the sleazy genesis of your relationship. Please let me know your plans by xx or I will assume the children are staying with me that weekend."

FredSheeran · 31/05/2018 09:55

In a completely untenable situation, I would lean towards a trusted friend/relative taking them. One who can give your ex absolute evils and when asked why s/he is there, can reply, loudly, 'Would you believe that Shitbag asked Fikit to bring the children?! Incredible, I know.'

TheNoseyProject · 31/05/2018 10:30

@fred you mean they need to say ‘he didn’t make plans for his own children to attend and then expected fitkit to sort out the mess!’

Some people might think it reasonable for her to help, I doubt anyone would think it reasonable for him to make no plans.

fuzzyfozzy · 31/05/2018 10:33

This is your wedding, not our wedding so you need to organise and ensure that our children are happy.

cornishstripes · 31/05/2018 10:56

stand firm. His failure to understand is entirely deliberate of course!

SpacePenguin · 31/05/2018 11:02

roundthehorn.

My heart goes out to your kids. What a heartbreaking experience for them.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 31/05/2018 11:13

His failure to understand is entirely deliberate of course

Actually I'm not sure about this. Some people really are unable to see the truth. He is probably congratulating himself for including his daughters and having them as flower girls, and probably thinks inviting his ex-partner is an amazing peace-offering which will draw a line under any residual unpleasantness. OP is expected to look after the girls because, in his mind, that's what mum's do.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 31/05/2018 11:16

So tempted for you to say ‘not at this wedding, maybe at your next one?’ 😈😈

qazxc · 31/05/2018 11:17

No, it's his wedding so he can arrange timings, move things around to accommodate his DDs. (in fact he should have done already if it's that important to him they be a part of his "important day")
As for any behavior (tantrum, frank talking or upset), he's their dad, he has to sort it out too.

NoFucksImAQueen · 31/05/2018 11:28

God he 's an utter cunt