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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
IDearlyLoveALaugh · 31/05/2018 12:22

What @SchnitzelVonKrumm said with bells on!!!!

bzzbeebzz · 31/05/2018 15:09

He really is a low life.

The school fees aren’t worth this level of shitness.

numberseven · 31/05/2018 15:27

And ugh with the be a bigger person advice. That's just female socialization. Be nice, be polite, help out, put on some lippy and look cheerful. Lay flatter, maybe he'll feel bad and be nicer. Except they never do.

Charley50 · 31/05/2018 16:15

Omg he is such a wanker. What Schnitzel said too.

Dieu · 31/05/2018 16:32

I think you need to keep your feelings about it from your children. 6 years old is very young to be saying to you that she won't go if it upsets you. That's an awful lot to put on one so young. Much as I hate to say it - and I was cheated on by my ex husband/father of my kids (and he's still with her!), so know what's it like - they should be there, unless they really don't want to be. It's not about you, in the kindest possible way. And what about in the future, when they ask you why they weren't there? Be the bigger person Flowers

NotWeavingButDarning · 31/05/2018 17:14

"And ugh with the be a bigger person advice. That's just female socialization. Be nice, be polite, help out, put on some lippy and look cheerful. Lay flatter, maybe he'll feel bad and be nicer. Except they never do."

Totally agree with this by numberseven

NotWeavingButDarning · 31/05/2018 17:17

Agh pressed post too soon:

OP you are under NO obligation to be the 'better person ' here. His demands are outrageous and should be treated with nothing less than the contempt that they deserve.

Kolo · 31/05/2018 17:23

They want you to drive 100mile round trip? And either do it twice or hang about there all day?? Screw that. It’s enough that you’ll let your daughters attend and be part of the wedding.

iheartmichellemallon · 31/05/2018 17:24

Schnitzel has said it perfectly- he's an utter bastard. Sorry you're going through this Op.

BlueSapp · 31/05/2018 17:44

He’s a fucking self centred cheating bastard. No no no no no way should you allow your dcs to attend, how do you even know they will be looked after properly when he’s so blazee about a 12 yr relationship he’s not going to take a 4 yr old seriously when he’s going to be busy.

Kolo · 31/05/2018 18:18

Sorry, I realised after posting that there were a further 28 pages. I’ve read through now. What a shit he is! You must be so hurt. I’ve had a think about what I’d do in this situation.

Although it would be really painful, I’d try to remember that my pain won’t last forever. I’d eventually get over it. But I’d want to minimise the damage done to my children. I think you’re very right to prioritise their schooling. Regardless of any state v private arguments, I think it’s right to keep as much stability in their lives as possible, given the breakup of their parents and moving house. As the wedding day itself is probably going to be quite overwhelming and confusing for them, I think I would want to be there. I’d take them, I’d let them know I was 10 mins away and if they wanted me to get them they only need to ask auntie to call me and I’d be there immediately. Id want to meet them after the reception so I could help them digest what had happened and make sure they had answers to any questions. Id absolutely loathe that this meant I was inadvertently helping the ex out, as he does not deserve it. But I’d try to get my own back in other ways, that wouldn’t be of detriment to my children.

Awful situation and I really feel for you. Your ex doesn’t seem to have considered your, or your children’s feelings at all. What a disrespectful shit.

sweetpb · 31/05/2018 19:04

I havent read everyones replies but I have read all your replies op.

It is a crap situation, one option if you can afford to (or talk him into paying some towards) could be to book a premier inn or some sort of hotel nearby for the night of the reception, tell him it would be unfair on the girls to have to go a 50 mile journey home after such a long busy day. Then the following day for your birthday have a nice relaxed morning, even go somewhere for lunch on the way home and enjoy your birthday with your girls who may very well be emotional after watching daddy with somebody else all day previously.

It is a compromise but its never going to be a great day even if you didn't have to take or collect them so maybe a nice day with the kids after will help a little x x

Dieu · 31/05/2018 19:08

Oops, I too didn't read all of the thread (sorry, was just back from an exhausting day at work), and suspect I didn't get the full picture because of this. Apologies if my reply wasn't appropriate therefore.

timeisnotaline · 31/05/2018 19:10

This is not a be the bigger person moment. Given his update, your girls are too young to care if they go and hell would freeze over before I facilitated. I like the pps suggested comment ‘my one time favour is lettiing them attend your wedding on my weekend and my birthday. (Not an exact quote). I’d add - let me know the plans by x date or I’ll assume they aren’t going.

MachineBee · 31/05/2018 23:29

Actually Snitzel’s post is even better! Use that one. He might get the message.

Imchlibob · 01/06/2018 05:58

Another vote to use Schnitzel's text. That expresses it perfectly.

You are already being the bigger person by not blocking them from attending at all. Actually spoiling your birthday weekend to ensure he doesn't have to be put to any trouble would be way beyond "bigger person" and firmly in "doormat" territory.

TheMonkeyMummy · 01/06/2018 06:12

I vote for it too.

I am sorry OP. It must be so disheartening to réalisé that a man you spent such a long time with, and had two DD's together, is choosing not to truly consider any of you.
Is he a puppet to OW? (Not that it makes it easier). Spineless twat.

Lethaldrizzle · 01/06/2018 07:17

I would be mortified if i was marrying a man doing this

SarfE4sticated · 01/06/2018 08:55

Another vote for Schnitzel's wording.

Lethal I was thinking that too, but I assume that the bride has only had the version that makes Ex look good. He's a real weasel OP.

BewareOfDragons · 01/06/2018 09:26

Schnitzel's response would do it for me as well.

What an absorbed cunt he has turned into, putting on an 'all is well' wedding show that you are supposed to participate in. Fuck that!

Cupcake99 · 01/06/2018 10:19

I'm so sorry tat you are going through this-he is a cf indeed. You are being very dignified and he is an arsehole-keep your head high,and keep telling him that he can have the girls
But he has to make the arrangements for them.

LoveInTokyo · 01/06/2018 10:59

What Schnitzel said.

He needs to remember that:

  1. He had an affair, betrayed your trust, destroyed your daughters’ chances of growing up in a stable family with both their parents and left you in the shit financially.
  1. He may be delighted to be marrying his shag-piece, but it may be a very difficult and confusing day for his small daughters and if he wants them to attend he needs to have a plan for how they are going to get there, how they are going to get home and which trusted and sober adult will be looking after them from the moment they leave your care to the moment they are returned to you.
  1. It is breathtakingly insensitive and wholly unreasonably for him to expect you to facilitate the arrangements in any way.
IdaDown · 01/06/2018 12:00

OP

Fuck him and the OW he’s riding in on.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Have a great birthday whatever you do Flowers

Lethaldrizzle · 04/06/2018 18:56

Hope your weekend went well in the end!

madcatladyforever · 04/06/2018 18:58

At least you haven't got to go through a nasty divorce with this goon, there is only one thing worse than marrying a bastard it's the stress of a divorce from one.