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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No proposal for 12 yrs, now marrying someone else!

783 replies

fikit · 16/05/2018 00:35

I have no idea what to do.

In short - I was with my ex partner for 12 years, through university, graduate careers etc. We have two DDs together.

Didn’t worry too much about marriage before children - after DD2 was born, we talked about it and he told me that he wasn’t ‘keen’ on the idea of marriage - rolled out the old ‘piece of paper to show how much I love you’ line and I was a little hurt that I’d miss out on a celebration and all the vows, and the looking down the aisle but, but I decided not to push it. We had a great relationship, two beautiful daughters, a house I adored and in the scope of things, my happiness wasn’t contingent on marriage.

We split last year after his affair with his now fiancé. Went from me, to her, to engaged to her in six months. They are getting married in July (day before my birthday) and want my DDs there.

I am not invited (obviously) but his mother has asked that I drop off the girls in the morning and pick them up from the reception?! She doesn’t drive otherwise she’d ‘do it herself to avoid any upset(?!)’ as XP really wants the girls there. As horrendously hurt as I am about the wedding, this is very much the proverbial straw on the proverbial camel.

AIBU to be completely WTF about this? Also - what do I do? I don’t want the girls there as this whole thing is destroying me, but he is their father.

Sorry for the long post, but help, please.

OP posts:
ToffeeUp · 30/05/2018 23:11

Wow Angry
I agree with myrtle in leaning towards deliberate spite

PurpleTigerLove · 30/05/2018 23:16

What a shit he is . Don’t accommodate him in any way . Hell would freeze over before I would be doing him any favours .

numptynuts · 30/05/2018 23:19

It's ALL about him, isn't it.

Selfish bastard. A year, that's all. Has it not entered his thick skull how your DDs are going to feel on the day. Far too much, far too soon.

I'd tell him to fuck off. God that would enrage me Angry

pallisers · 30/05/2018 23:20

Tbh your latest post also makes me lean towards deliberate spite.

But thinking about it some more I think what he is at is looking for approval and public acceptance. If you bring the girls to the wedding, show up and collect them he will be able to say to everyone "ah no, just didn't work out with me and Fikit but no hard feelings at all - she brought the girls to the wedding and wishes us all the best"

He doesn't want people to say "holy god did that man just leave his partner of 12 years and mother of his 2 children for another woman and marry her in indecent haste?"

That and he wants you to do the shit work of minding his children during his wedding so he doesn't have to assume the normal bits of being a father or find a babysitter that will be ok.

For the sake of all women, OP, I beg you to stay calm and simply repeat "oh no, that doesn't work for me/oh no your wedding of course isn't my priority/oh no I'm sure you'll manage the girls just fine/oh no, I really don't think I owe you any help to marry another woman, do you?"

I'm trying to imagine the woman marrying him as she listens to him trying to strongarm his ex into participating and helping with their wedding. I hope to god alarm bells are going off.

CopONNotLinkedIn · 30/05/2018 23:24

I agree with pallisers.

He would be using u to rebrand himself.

Fruitcorner123 · 30/05/2018 23:29

does anyone else keep getting ads for bridesmaids dresses popping up on this thread? ( sorry not derailing)

pallisers has it. It's all about how he is perceived. It always amazes me how people who do this will deceive themselves so much they actually manage to believe they are in the right and trick others to believe it too.

MissMary0fSweden · 30/05/2018 23:29

"Hi Shitface, can't help on this occasion, maybe next time. Let me know if you want the girls that day or not. Cheers"

sue51 · 30/05/2018 23:54

I agree with pallisers too. He will use your assistance in getting the girls to the venue to rewrite his narritive. He is an utter shit. Do not assist him. He just wants the girls there to make him look like a good father, he gives not a fuck for their feelings.

NotWeavingButDarning · 31/05/2018 01:17

I just can't believe how arrogant and insensitive he sounds!! Agree with others that he must surely be doing it deliberately.

My response would be along the lines of, 'Your event falls on your weekend with the DDs. I have other priorities on that day and am unable to help with your logistics. If you are unable to have the girls, I am happy to include them in my plans.'

But I'd add loads of swear words in my head. Grin

moredoll · 31/05/2018 01:56

Is there any suitable adult in your ex's family who could take them and care for them?

It not, I would be looking for a good friend, sibling, aunt, God parent or other family member who would be willing to take the girls for you.

If they could get the girls to the nearest station I'd expect your ex to pay for a taxi to get the girls and their carer to and from the wedding.

You need someone you trust who knows the girls and is willing to help you out. I think you still have time to arrange it if you think this would work.

This.

He needs to understand you're his DDs mother, not part of his team anymore. That was his choice. I'm sure you'll keep it civil while he learns to share parenting, even on his wedding day. And make it clear that you expect him to make sure they're having a good time, or he helps get them home. They're his daughters, they're young, they're his responsibility while they're flower girls at his wedding.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/05/2018 02:25

"Your wedding. Your kids. Your problem"

Suresurelah · 31/05/2018 04:59

He is an abhorrent cunt Flowers for you.

The fact that it’s falling on your birthday weekend, the fact that it’s a year since you split and the latest email, means it definately deliberate.

He doesn’t care about anyone except himself. He is not a decent man nor father.

Personally, I would give him a deadline to make arrangements and when he fails to make these arrangements, then I would pull them out altogether.

Italiangreyhound · 31/05/2018 05:20

OP this must be very distressing for you.

I am afraid I would need to tell him, since he seems devoid of all feeling... "Have you any idea how upsetting this is for me? Your cold, callous expectation that I will assist on your wedding day (to the women you left me for - the women who helped you to break up our family) is almost leaving me speechless!"

If you do not have a friend who could assist you by taking the girls on the day, I think I would also be tempted to say to him...

"You have [insert number here] weeks to come up with a plan which will enable our daughters to attend your wedding, and if not, I shall be making plans for them with me that weekend.

I will also make sure they know that it is your failure to plan that has left them unable to attend on your special day."

Or words to that affect.

Does this arrogant arse know how hurtful he is being?

Thanks Thanks Thanks

Mirrorwriting · 31/05/2018 05:45

I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you are lucky he is no longer your partner. He’s got something wrong inside.

Bobbybobbins · 31/05/2018 06:00

Oh OP this is really shit and what a thoughtless request. I agree that the girls should go but his family need to facilitate this.

Imchlibob · 31/05/2018 06:18

What an absolute and utter git. He clearly has no understanding of feelings at all. Why on earth is this woman marrying him?

Just be a broken record. Keep saying no. His wedding is not your problem.

TheLastNigel · 31/05/2018 06:25

At first I thought that the girls should go (but not that you help them get them there). But having read his response I'm less convinced of that. PP are right I think-this is mostly about rebranding himself-and any sensitivity towards his children has gone out of the window. In my experience this does tend to happen when people are desperate to justify their own behaviour and maintain an image which is far from the truth. I'm not sure he could be trusted to prioritise your DD's should they become upset, or Handle it well if they act out (because that wouldn't be part of the script), and as it will already be a bit of an awkward/odd/sad day for them (seeing their dad marry someone else so soon) I'm not sure I'd want to risk them being further upset by his utter failure to recognise that and respond accordingly.

It's quite hard to realise this after a long relationship and even harder to act accordingly but remember: you don't owe this man anything. And his reaction to whatever you do is his own problem. So he's angry or 'disappointed' that you don't do as he's asking. So what? It's the hardest thing to break the conditioning that you had when you were together wherein you try and make them happy, or work as a team. But break it you must actually-for your own sanity.

Slartybartfast · 31/05/2018 06:26

No, it is far too soon and frankly unnecessary. There is no need for them to go imo

Littlemissdaredevil · 31/05/2018 06:37

He doesn’t really get it does he? If I was the OW there would be no way I would want his ex turning up at my wedding as there is far too potential for a scene to be caused. Surely if they can organise a wedding in such a short period of time then they can organise a lift?

ThatsWotSheSaid · 31/05/2018 06:49

Could you take them to the town of the wedding but have SIL come get them and take them to the actual venue so you don’t have to see the wedding in progress but you are still close by.
What a shitty situation.

InBlackwaterWoods · 31/05/2018 06:51

Wow. Just wow at the bollocks on him.
Agree with pallisers all the way. He's trying to rewrite history.
Definitely do not facilitate the celebration of his cheating on you.
He's their father, their parent, if dd has a tantrum, he should deal with it. you're only a phonecall away.
Best of luck op, a shitty situation with a prize prick of a man.

How dare he expect you, the woman he cheated on and didn't want to commit to, to support him marrying the other woman.

Tinkobell · 31/05/2018 07:00

When your DD's are older / adult and know about the FULL circumstances of your split and his new marriage, do you think they are likely to ask "Mum, how come we didn't go to Dads second wedding?"
No. I don't think that's likely at all. They will have other FAR more levelled questions pointed towards your ex I would say. Don't send them. He's such a wanker man.

ADarkandStormyKnight · 31/05/2018 07:04

I bet he's told the world (and more importantly, himself) that the breakup with you was harmonious, mutual, and that you have given him your blessing. 9You cooperating at the wedding fits in with this view.

Namechangedname · 31/05/2018 07:04

You sound like a massive doormat and quite feeble. You've been completely turned over in this relationship.

Disagree. The OP has shown strength, in light of current events.

You'll get there, OP. It will get easier. Flowers

KateGrey · 31/05/2018 07:06

No way! Arrogant, jumped up bastard. He’s their dad and if he had wanted them there that badly they would have been his first priority and it’s not your job to facilitate him.

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