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Original poster

MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

334 replies

LolaL · 15/05/2018 11:39

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

OP posts:
Fishface77 · 15/05/2018 11:42

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reachforthewine · 15/05/2018 11:43

I would have a face to face frank talk and ask her why she said the things she did. Don't go in all guns blazing because it will make things worse but get your point across that you're not happy with the things she said and you want to know why she did it.

Bridesmaidinchief · 15/05/2018 11:49

God OP you poor thing - she sounds absolutely horrific. Think this is the worst MIL story I've ever seen on this site!

First things first - great that your partner has now spoken to you about his feelings and is getting help. Hopefully he's going to start feeling better now.

Is he in a position to speak to your MIL and tell her that her behaviour was unacceptable? It may not be possible right now with his anxiety but if so he should tell her that her behaviour was manipulative and controlling.

Your MIL is trying to assert control over you by showing you that if you don't behave exactly as she thinks you should, she will widely escalate the situation by calling family members and spreading stories like this.

The difficulty is I think any attempt by you to speak to her about it will make her worse. It might be that all you can do is speak to your own parents to explain how awful MIL is, and hope that people realise MIL is the problem.

It might also be worth seeking advice from your BIL, but only if you think he would be open to hearing criticism of his mother which you might not feel comfortable with!

Sending you big hugs, what an absolute nightmare Flowers

Fruitcorner123 · 15/05/2018 11:51

sorry but you DP has no excuse for behaving this way. I would worry about him being controlling too. you are blaming her but has he ever told her to stop interfering? Is he angry with her? Why would his work stress cause him to kick off at you on your hen do? not on.

HopefullyAnonymous · 15/05/2018 11:59

I actually would call off the wedding. I can guarantee that this isn’t a situation that will ever improve. There’s no happy outdone, just years of drama ahead.

HopefullyAnonymous · 15/05/2018 12:00

*outcome

tradervictoria · 15/05/2018 12:00

Neither DP nor MIL sound particularly desirable as family. There would not be enough for me to stay in this kind of relationship.

Original poster
LolaL · 15/05/2018 12:00

Just for some clarity, DP has a very stressful job and the best of time, high stress sales environment, single-handedly manages almost 30 people, his management give him targets that are unreachable. I think he is Superman for handling this so well 13 hrs per day, 5 x days per week... so no wonder after 12 years of this it's starting to catch up.

He has told her to stop interfering and when she came round for a coffee when I was away last weekend, she went upstairs and started sorting out our laundry(!) he told her to stop it and to leave.

He's usually very diplomatic with her but obviously is hard because it's his mum.

Yes, definitely worth speaking to BIL about it more, he checked in with me yesterday to see how I was and said that he's so angry with her.

OP posts:
pigmcpigface · 15/05/2018 12:02

Fucking hell, your MIL is BATSHIT!

I think it's important, first of all, to recognise just how extreme and weird and interfering this behaviour is. There is no excuse whatsoever for it, either.

Second of all, I would sit down with your DH and discuss dragging this whole thing out into the open with your MIL. You need to set a strong boundary, and I can't honestly think of a better way than going through this whole sorry affair in clincal, forensic detail and asking her repeatedly "What were you thinking?" Before, of course, telling her that the following rules will apply in future

  • She is not to come over before arranging with you at least 2 hours in advance
  • You will see her once a week/fortnight/insert interval
  • She is to hand back your house key, and never to rearrange any of your interior every again
  • She is to mind her own business and stop gossiping about your relationship to anyone who will listen.
Original poster
LolaL · 15/05/2018 12:02

Oh god, don't want to call off the wedding... dp and I have been so happy for so many years... no hints of jealousy, controlling behaviour etc which is why I was so worried for him after the weekend.

complete nightmare...

OP posts:
fontofnoknowledge · 15/05/2018 12:02

Ffs. She is not asking you about her relationship with her DP !!! I know half of you are never happier then when telling everyone to split up for the slightest misdemeanour but please get a grip ! She has clearly said he has had some work problems that have lead to anxiety which he has sort help with. I don't know what kind of relationships you lot have but most of us do not decide to up and leave the person we have decided to marry because he has a mild mental health issue that he has sort help with. Jesus people ! Change the LTB tune for 5 minutes and actually offer advice on the question.

Sorry for your hassle OP, I think you are going to have to face and confront this one. I think you need to visit her and ask her directly what the hell she thinks she is doing !

Ohmydayslove · 15/05/2018 12:03

spineless twat

That a disgusting thing to say about a person diagnosed with anxiety issues. You should be ashamed of yourself!

Op poor you sounds very stressful. Obviously your mil is pretty toxic to you all.

My advice would be a frank conversation with mil when sil/bil and your dh are all present and you hold her to account for her lies, warn her any further crap you will go non contact with her and take away her key ( I would do that anyway) see how you go depending on her response.

I think your dh will follow your lead as he has probably had this crap for years and coesrky your bil/sil know her stupid ways.

I do hope you can get through this and have a good wedding but I do think your mil needs either reining in or going Non contact Flowers

InspMorse · 15/05/2018 12:03

Your DP caused this by behaving really badly. He has messed up. Are you sure this is really 'out of character'? You made the mistake of telling his brother which opened a can of worms (I.e. His batshit mother's involvement).

Original poster
LolaL · 15/05/2018 12:04

pig - great advice, thank you.

I wanted to call her today and arrange a time to sit down with her. Feeling so exhausted after all this, psyching myself up for what I know is going to be another battle is so hard!

OP posts:
HopefullyAnonymous · 15/05/2018 12:05

I wasn’t suggesting she leaves because of his anxiety Hmm

The MIL situation is not one that is ever likely to improve. I’d be seriously considering whether any relationship is worth that level of stress and drama. And the answer is no.

Ohmydayslove · 15/05/2018 12:05

Unbelievable poster telling you to ditch your fiancée because he has recently has developed mental health issues!!

Fuck me people no wonder mental health issues get so little understanding and help.

CardinalCat · 15/05/2018 12:06

I wouldn't marry into this unless your DP gets his finger out (which I appreciate might be difficult right now, if he's floored with anxiety) to ensure that his mother knows her place, and to ensure that this behaviour doesn't happen again. Otherwise, you'll both need to go NC with her.

This will only get exponentially worse when GC arrive.

NameChangeCuzImAHorriblePerson · 15/05/2018 12:06

Just tell her to her face that you're sick of her interfering, lying narcissism and ask her why she thought it was appropriate to invent bullshit and spread it all around.

She must be a fucking sad old bitch. I'm angry for you!

Original poster
LolaL · 15/05/2018 12:07

fontofnoknowledge and ohmydayslove -
thank you so much. I think you're completely right. There have been incidences before but not to this extent... she's been warned so many times.

InspMorse 100% out of character.

OP posts:
Eastcoastmost · 15/05/2018 12:07

No one’s saying leave because of mental health issues. They’re saying leave because for whatever reason, the DP won’t stand up to his mother.

Ohmydayslove · 15/05/2018 12:08

Pleskty of people go non contact with a parent or sibling. If the op and her dh stay strong they could do this and have a very happy marriage. Even if it’s a non contact temporarily to rein her in.

You didn’t make s mistake going to bil it was a wise move. Obviously he and sil know what she’s like

PickAChew · 15/05/2018 12:08

His one definitely needs you and do facing her down as a couple, having each other's backs.

She would get on well with the Markles.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 15/05/2018 12:08

Unless you intend to record the conversation I would suggest a chat is a waste of your time. The contents won't be repeated as they were said.
Give her a very wide berth, tell dp to instruct her to stfu or she will be uninvited to the wedding..
We actually uninvited my mil to ours.
Bliss.

BelieveAnything · 15/05/2018 12:08

I’d be very worried about your DP behaviour. The fact he kicked off over TWO different weekends is not ok. That’s not a moment of stupidity....

Ohmydayslove · 15/05/2018 12:09

But op says her and her partner are happy and if you don’t realise let me tell you depression and anxiety can make people act very much out of character.

Don’t meet your mil by yourself love arrange for you all to be there.