MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

You need to talk to her, and also to everyone else. I'd make anyone she has contact with aware of what's happened so they know to ignore her, especially your family.

I'd then go and talk to her, let her know that this behavior is not at all acceptable and that if she can't calm the fuck down and stop spreading incredibly vicious rumours you will have no choice but to go NC with her for the sanity of yourself and those around you.

All she's doing is making herself look stupid. If she consistently says one thing 'they've split up' and everyone else says 'no they haven't don't be so stupid, saw them yesterday, never been happier', everyone will realise she is crazy and cannot be trusted.

Frankly the fact that your mum believed her says that you haven't told anyone else the extent of her crazy.. Let them all know asap!

Change the locks on your residence; she must never darken your door again. I would get a Solicitor's cease and desist letter drawn up. She is not afraid of either her son (he's been way too diplomatic here and such people see that as weakness) or you for that matter but perhaps a letter from figures in authority will help you both here.

He and you need to present a united front re his disordered of thinking mother because if you do not you will be in for more of the same and worse from her after marriage. I would actually reconsider marriage to him particularly if he unwilling to see and realise how dysfunctional his mother actually is. Do not have her at your wedding ceremony in any case; she's already threatened to wear white to this. She wants to make your lives all about her; she cannot stand the fact that the spotlight is currently on you two.

If you did go onto become parents yourselves she should not see them because she is not safe to be at all around. She is also likely to be the root cause of your fiancé's anxiety issues.

The only way you will ever get peace from her ultimately is for the two of you to have no contact whatsoever with her going forward.

Yes yes agree Barrie very sensible ideas.

Tell them all op and embaressed the daft cow.

April just out of interest what did your mil do to make you uninvite her?
Right now, in my anger (not helped that I've got a horrid cold!) I'd love to do this.

Lol at her getting on with the Markles, she'd fit right in.

PP's saying to leave dp, really really appreciate your help but trust that this is fixable and due to his recently diagnosed anxiety.

Talking to such a disordered person like his mother is frankly a wasted effort; she will not at all listen, give you a laundry list of your own shortcomings and turn on the tears instead. Her hatred and manipulation here holds no bounds.

If your fiancé cannot or will not stand up to his mother I would seriously reconsider marrying him at all. She will still want to stick her beak into your business after the wedding.

sounds like the op's dp IS standing up to his mother. their relationship isn't the problem here, the mother is.

i think you and your dp need to sit down and decide what boundaries you'll put in place, both of you must agree, and then implement them.

1. change the locks because even if you ask for the key back she'll have made a copy
2. if you've decided you'll only see her once a fortnight stick to it religiously. if she drops round uninvited ask her to leave.
3. expect things to get very unpleasant and you may have to threaten her with calling the police if she doesn't leave when you ask her to. you may have to follow through. don't even open the door - tell her it's not a good time and you'll see her on xx date.
4. set up a WhatsApp group with your bil & sil so that you can keep in touch over the batshit stuff she does. the second she starts her nonsense you can alert each other.
5. tell your entire family and friends not to believe a word she says until they've verified it with you.

you may have to go nc in the end, but if she'll accept boundaries then that's better i'd imagine. good luck.

This will never improve.
Unless you both go and confront her together.
Tell her that her interference upset your Mum and that if she lies like that, ever again, then you will cut her off and go NC and she will never see her grand kids (as and if you ever have them of course).
She has to apologise to your DMum for the upset SHE caused.
And she is certainly to return the white dress she was planning to wear for your wedding and choose something far more understated or she won't be coming to that either.
She is never to touch anything in your house.
You have it how you want it and you do not need her interfering with that either. If she does then she will never be welcome round there again.
Seriously!!!
You need to stand up to her.
Nip it in the bud.
Or..... end this now and save yourself decades of misery at the hands of this interfering nightmare woman.

"I wanted to call her today and arrange a time to sit down with her. Feeling so exhausted after all this, psyching myself up for what I know is going to be another battle is so hard!"

I think you need to get a plan straight with your DH first. I know this is very standard Mumsnet advice- but it's standard because it's good. Get hold of a copy of Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. And get your DH to counselling.

I speak as someone whose DH had a great deal of anxiety about tackling his parents. Despite being a highly capable bloke - academically gifted, yet really physically tough too, managing a really stressful job - he used to go to pieces in front of his parents, in a cloud of FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). He had counselling after he developed such bad anxiety that our wedding had to be cancelled - this helped him to learn to say 'No' to them, and to set some boundaries. In 10 sessions, we went from having an in law problem to being a team - and he went from being an anxiety-laden wreck to being a calm, collected man. At the time we had to scrimp to afford it, but looking back it was the best investment we have ever made.

No way I’d marry this spineless twat

Nice. OP has mentioned anxiety issues.

You may be able to resolve your issues with your MiL, I hope for your sake that you can sort all this out now or it will only get worse. I think DP or you are going to have to have a very stern talk with her and leave her in no doubt that her behaviour was completely unacceptable and will not be tolerated in the future. If your DP doesn't feel able to do it, then he should at the very least make it known that he supports you 100%.

Of course your DP loves his DM but she has behaved atrociously and he now has to make a choice between you and her. In my case my DP was unable/unwilling to do that so I cancelled everything and we split up which make his DM very happy - I truly hope for a better outcome for you.

Wishing you the very best.

I think you need to follow Pigs advice. Bring it all out, lance the boil, she'll either follow the new rules begrudgingly or slag you off and refuse to see you any more. Either way - result

He is anxious as well most likely because of his mother's conditioning of him and her recent outlandish behaviours. Neither of you would have tolerated this from a friend let alone any relative. The fact that his mother here is the disordered of thinking one is really neither here or there. Your fiancé is key here; what does he want to do re his mother going forward?.

BTW you do not mention his dad at all; is he still around?.

@fishface what a horrible and entirely useless comment.

Anxiety leads people to behave out of character. Someone with MH issues isn't spineless. I suggest you educate yourself.

Also, why is everybody jumping on the DP? The post isn't about him. It's clearly the MIL that's got a screw loose.

OP she sounds a real nightmare. You need to sit and have an honest discussion with DP about how you feel and what role she will have in your future. It sounds like you need to almost agree a strategy for dealing with her and set some boundaries. Good luck!!

What pigmcpigface wrote here re the book and getting counselling for your fiancé. His own fear, obligation and guilt re his mother too has led him to being in such a state; he is truly mired in FOG.

I think it is worth a sit down family conference style talk to her and set out your boundaries abs she should certainly apologise to your mother abs did I read she told people your sil was having an affair??? If that’s true make sure your sil knows that!

I don’t think you can rein her in as she sounds too wicked but it’s worth one last try and then if not both go no contact. I think your dh would be better for that anyway

Has it ever really been brought up OP? In a calm and measured conversation? This would be what I would do, like pig has suggested.

This is making me feel so much better, thank you all for such kind advice.

Barry I wouldn't say Mum believed her, but she was obviously very taken aback at receiving a call from MIL at 9.30pm, wedding cancelled etc. Saw no reason why she would lie.

My family are very much aware of the batshit stuff she gets up to and have been v supportive... stupid things like rearranging my furniture is irritating but causing family drama takes the biscuit.

pg are you sure you're not married to my dp this is exactly him! Clever, strong, competent, incredibly successful, dependable, responsible, protective... yet when he sees his mum he is like a child....

MIL is disordered but her actions have a ripple effect and profoundly so upon her sons, one of which here is OPs fiancé. Unfortunately what OP writes of is not atypical at all of what can and does happen in families of origin where the whole structure is emotionally unhealthy and based on control. I can think of at least one other instance like this and it got far worse for those couples post marriage too.

I think both you AND your DH need to sit down with your MIL and sort this out right now. Draw the boundaries and show that you are both together on this.

I had a massive falling out with my DM in the early days of my marriage as she overstepped the mark. We sorted it all out and (33 year later) she has never done it again.

Sorry op. What a nightmare. Poor dp. Hope he feels better soon. This stress can’t be helping. I second the idea of getting bil in board - he has a family and dc I’m assuming he knows what she’s like? Has she been like this with them too or is dp the baby of the family?

When he’s ready I would suggest going through the stately homes advice with him. But obviously nows not a great time.

Sorry I don’t know how I’d even begin to come back from this. She’s behaved shockingly

pig on last post, not pg, sorry!

Anxiety or no anxiety, the only times you went out, he kicked off.

Get ready for the real him to emerge once you marry.

The calls for LTB are premature here.

You need to sit your fiance down and have an open and honest chat about everything that's been going on with is mother and tell him you need to come up with a strategy for dealing with her as a united front to minimise the amount of stress she can cause. Also let him know you are a partnership and any problems either of you are having need to be brought into the open so that you can both help to deal with them. No more keeping things bottled up to yourself and that goes for both of you.

Handling MIL does not mean you capitulate with her demands, or accept her behaviour. You find a united way to deal with her that doesn't cause tension between the two of you. Maybe ask BIL and SIL how they deal with her. Does she try try this with them?

You could just not engage with her drama as she wants a huge scene. The grey rock approach works well for most situations. Engage minimally and be as uninteresting and nonreactive as possible. If she tries to involve others just look confused and gently put them right and end with "I don't know where she got that idea from."
If she's totally unable to be dealt with and maintain a relationship with just quietly be less and less available and slowly fade away to as minimal contact as you can get away with.

It seems like close family members already know what she's like so you already know anything she says will be taken with a large pinch of salt. After this incident, now your mum also knows this.

If she turns up in a hideous white creation ignore it, she will look a prat and people will just wonder what she was thinking. If you don't respond and make it 6 of one and half a dozen of another, then it's a lot harder for her actions to appear in any way reasonable. Obviously respond where you have to, firmly and with as little fuss as you need (for example if she decides to try ringing suppliers to cancel on your behalf, make changes, or other poor behaviour). You might even head that one off in case it happens by dropping your wedding suppliers a quick line stating to only accept changes direct from you, yes this stunt has been pulled on people before.

Best wishes.

LolaL

Do read more about fear, obligation and guilt in dysfunctional families. It will give you more insight into how such families operate.

Such men do default to child like mode in their mother's presence because they are still seeking their approval (which is never given) along with being highly fearful of her. Motherly love to such men has been given conditionally and never freely.

Elope