MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

Hi user - really good, valid points here.

So, again an update - had a really lovely morning with SIL on Saturday, lots of good ideas to keep boundaries etc.

DP and I enjoyed the rest of the day in the sunshine, first time since all of this we've felt happy and positive. Just heading out for a bite to eat in the evening and she calls, on the car loudspeaker and aware I'm also in the car, SCREAMING at him that unless I(!!!) make things right she will kill herself, what's the point in being alive because I (!!!) had ruined her relationships with her children.

I was sobbing as genuinely couldn't believe this behaviour from her. Fucking psycho doesn't even come close. Poor DP was beside himself, maintaining that I'd done absolutely nothing wrong, she had caused all of this, shouldn't gossip and lie if she didn't want it to come back and bite her. He was so strong but obviously upset. He then called his dad (her husband), she answered the phone and said if he wanted to speak to him he'd have to come over.... this was 8.30 at night.

We then went home, argued because we were both so upset by this. DP sat up all night checking his phone worrying he was going to get a call saying someone has found his mum dead. Still maintaining that no matter what she's done, he still wants her at the wedding.

I got up the next morning, went over to hers and she was there, all sweetness and pie in front of FIL, he is completely completely oblivious to all of this.
God knows where my strength came from because I felt like a nervous wreck inside. Laid down the law, absolutely not to contact us, invited to the wedding but not invited to stay, family are aware of her behaviour and if she plays up in the slightest, she will be removed from the day.
Agreed to all of this. So far, so good, hasn't contacted DP.
DP starts CBT tomorrow so hopefully should be better from here.

Honestly, the most stressful week of my life....!

Does she drink? I ask because my mom can get like that although not as extreme. She doesn't ever call me (long goofy story having to do with technical rural phone issues — it's understandable) which helps and I make sure I only call her in the morning. She doesn't drink every day or even many times a week, it's just that when she does she spirals into self pity and horribleness.

Also, with my mom, not many people at all know about her drinking or at least the extent of it. It's very secretive and because she usually does it when people aren't around and she's cheery and light afterwards it's almost like gaslighting.

Sounds awful. Very upsetting.

She has no intention of killing herself, she's just saying it to lay a massive guilt trip on your partner. She's a nasty, vile, cruel woman, to do that to her son.

I'm really glad you wnet and laid down the law. What did FIL have to say? Did he ask you what had been going on? Unless he wasn't in the house when she rang, he can't have missed her tirade if she was screaming down the phone.

Get a recording app on your phone and record the next one. There will be a next one. Practice using it so you can do it automatically. Brace yourselves for a serious health ‘scare’ as well (its usually cardiac or cancer.)

Remind your DH that this is a classic technique used by abusers to control others.

And well done. That took some strength.

Record all her phone calls so when she denies, you can play it back to her or send it to whoever she cajoles into advocating for her.

Well Done for laying the law down. Hope your DP finds a way to deal with her via the CBT, I've heard it's very helpful for some people.

Enjoy your wedding, now she knows you're not going to stand for her tantrums, she may actually change for the better.

Jesus fucking Christ, the woman is entirely unhinged!! Who the FUCK does that to people they profess to love (your DP, I mean).

Please don't feed the drama bitch again though - I understand why you did it this time, but let that be the Last Time because, as has been said before on this thread, ANY attention is good for her, it all feeds her. The only way to starve this situation is to give her no attention, the same way you will come to learn to do with any wayward toddler.

I'm outraged that she dared to spout such shit to you - but glad that you and your DP have made a plan.
Now, just be aware (again) that a heart attack or cancer is still a card she has to play - possibly even a stroke - but it will just be another "play" from her.

Good god, I hope that she decides to give your wedding a miss, I really do!

Wow. Have just read your whole thread.

OP, please tell your dp that although he will worry, suicide threats from someone who cares about herself this much will be empty threats. (I was once very worried about a friend who had severe depression. I was fortunate to have another friend who was medically trained in that area, and who got me to watch my first friends body language. Second (expert) friend said that, although some people break this rule, my first friend was clearly someone who cared about herself - and that it is highly unusual for someone like that to then go on to attempt suicide.)

Hope that makes sense. Your MIL is feeling desparate, but ultimately she will want to be able to either boast to the hairdresser of how she was the bigger person and went to your wedding or was the hard-done -to party and was banned from your wedding. She will want an audience/validation from others. She won't want to take the lonely road of suicide.

tharsheblows she does drink, but she wasn't drunk... my father was an alcoholic so can recognise that behaviour. Not a drunk, just a mean bitch!!! Sorry to hear about yours

Mokoto and Fresh exactly what I thought, hard to explain to DP but no way would she have any intent of doing that if she called us to tell us? It was a typical, spoilt brat tantrum that would have been more in place in a nursery than the home of a 65 year old woman!

Thumb absolutely, it had to be said this time but no way am I going to give her the attention she needs. I've changed my privacy settings on social media too so she can't see what we're up to/doing.

This is HILARIOUS. FIL completely oblivious to all of it, I think she called when he went to walk the dog. IMO, hasn't told FIL because he won't tolerate her spitefulness. SIL told me this isn't the first time she's done this, just not to my DP. Apparently it's a, not regular, but every few year occurrence.

She is clearly a very unhappy person - what a shame that so many MILs of this age seem to have been so invested in loving and raising their children, that they can't have a life after they have left home.

When you talk to her, you might take this tack. I think it could take the wind out of her sails. Instead of/as well as confronting her, try to validate what is good about her/point her in a new direction: she is a capable, caring woman who has raised great sons. She has so much to be proud of. Her sons would be so impressed to see her using her talents to help and support others. There must be so many people out there who could benefit from her skills if she became a volunteer . . . . etc, etc Parish councils, charity shops, village activities all rely hugely on largely female volunteers who have huge skill bases and time on their hands. It is a wider social issue as well as a family problem for you . . . .

OP- I went through something very similar with my own wedding... I am so proud of you!!!

You're doing so well OP - you and your DP are managing to be a team despite her best efforts, he's getting help, you're stating your boundaries. I can't even imagine how hard it is but you have done brilliantly.

OP- I went through something very similar with my own wedding... I am so proud of you!!!

Me too! It’s amazing how many crazy bitches are out there revelling in making other people’s lives a misery.

Hang in there OP and stick to your guns. DO NOT let her win

Congratulations on your big girl's pants!!

MOOOOOOOOOOVE FAR FAR AWAY FROM MIL OP!!!

Was your FIL there when you told her off last night?

I think you/dh need to have an honest convo with his dad and tell him what is going on and that there won't be any repeat or she will be cut out of your lives. and if she threatens suicide again, that you'll call 999 and let them sort her out.

Ditto the move. Far. Far. Away!

Thank you so much!!
Loads of positives to take from this - if dp and I can work as a team through this, I'm fairly confident we can work through anything!

Fresh great perspective to have. Unfortunately I have tried that before, she has absolutely no interest in anything but her ipad. Shame as she's a fab baker.

Hissy no FIL was in the garden. DP is going to have a chat with him when the boat has settled a bit. He's lovely. Such a shame he married a psycho.

Threatening suicide is the most nuclear form of manipulation.

Call the police next time she tries that shit and ask them to do a safe and well check, I promise she won't do it again. What a bitch, you need to support your DP in going NC with this nutcase.

Yy to the above, but try to record the phone conversation if she threatens suicide again. She will deny it, unless you are able to play the recording to FIL, the police, her GP. Hope someone can eventually help her away from her iPad, away from you, and back into normal life.

The thing with threatening suicide is that she has literally nowhere to go from there. It's like she's gone to 'maximum solution' without any intervening steps. So, if you call her bluff and she, inevitably, doesn't commit suicide, there is no way she can ramp things up from there without everyone laughing and saying 'yeah, you always say that!' So she's kind of left herself open to being laughed at...

Which serves her right, quite honestly. Maybe you can suggest to her that you all think she must be going senile, because her behaviour is just so far from normal, and if she continues you will call her doctor?

She won't kill herself I am assure you. My mother has been pulling that stunt for over 30 years (started when i was 5 and i refused to take sides in an argument with her and my father so she dramtically began to put pills in her mouth i had to pull out). Every time I don't give in and do what she wants she says she is going to kill herself unless I apologise and make it better. You become immune to the threats but it takes a while so your DP is understandly getting sucked into the panic they intentionally create. She is not someone you should have around you and she will only get worse the more you give in.

Hmmm

She is just sitting at home now plotting how she is going to ruin your wedding. Probably a mystery "heart problem" caused by OP of course the day of the wedding.

Or a fainting fit in the church?

She won't admit defeat OP - this is war to her.

Don’t worry about her threats in the slightest; she won’t kill herself as she won’t have control if she’s dead

Wow, nothing like a bit of emotional blackmail to manipulate the people you’re supposed to care about.

I agree you should record her phonecalls in future (maybe even to help with a restraining order if it comes to it!). I like the idea of calling the police to do a safe and well check if she pulls the “I’m going to kill myself” load of old bollocks again.

I’ve had several people in my life attempt suicide, including my own mother in her younger days after she went brought a bad time in her life. Fortunately she didn’t succeed but my two friends unfortunately did. People who genuinely see suicide as a way out often don’t ring people to tell them they’re going to do it. They just do it.

This woman is an abusive, manipulative, controlling, unhinged, complete nutjob and she belongs in the loony bin.

Oh there’s a thought? Maybe you could get her committed?