MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

Not saying she should LTB. I have suffered from anxiety induced OCD myself and I’m glad your dd has recovered. It’s unpleasant to say the least.

I’m just saying that depending on what he did to kick off She may wish to look at the pattern of behaviour and the dynamic between him and MIL and think hard about how she wants to proceed.

If we are talking about a spot of mardiness and a bit of a sulk as a one off, then Ok. If it’s anything deliberately engineered to stop her going out, and verbal aggression or any physical aggression against her or inanimate objects then I do think that’s a different matter and would require some thought.

Honestly yes if the op said he was controlling from the start absolutkry a red flag but again not the case here.

I think once he has regained his strength, we'll go over some boundaries etc. Right now, pushing his mum out of his life is going to be too much given his current mental state... and could make me seem like the big bad wolf.

The family who mean anything to me - BIL, SIL, my parents, my sister... are aware of the lies she's told and what she's capable of.

I'll probably regret saying this but now we know this, I would be surprised if her actions can do anything but piss us off.

Once DP is stronger, we can lay down some rules and hopefully get this sorted.

ohmydayslove no wonder there is so much stigma about mental illness if everyone's inital reaction is to jump ship? Can you imagine someone leaving you if you broke your arm... ridiculous!!!

Bowlof are you getting good support?

Wow. Just wow! Feeling for you and your DP.

If he’s feeling embarrassment at the label of ‘anxiety’ can I offer a different perspective? Anxiety is a completely normal emotion. It’s evolved to keep us safe in dangerous situations. We learn as toddlers not to put our hands in fire, or cross roads in front of trucks with the help of anxiety about the consequences. Without any anxiey we’d find life a lot more difficult and dangerous. However when anxiety get too big and starts to hinder instead of help, that’s when something needs to change. So hats off to your DP for listening to his body and seeking help. His body/Brain was telling you and him something was getting unmanageable and you listened!

When you meet with MiL it sounds like it’ll be difficult. How about, if she starts crying and playing the victim, acknowledge her tears without any judgement, offer her a moment to compose herself, and simply continue with the discussion. I doubt she’ll be able to 7nderstand how unreasonable her behaviour. To try and avoid her being too defensive try not to talk about ‘what you did’ etc but use ‘when x happened’. It isn’t meant to let her off the hook, just achieve what you want more easily.

Shit op I just re read the original posts! Thought he was just being a spineless twat with control issues and totally missed the anxiety part. 🙈 sorry!

If you know him and know this is related to his anxiety I would sit down and discuss your boundaries in regards to your mother in law with him.
Make sure you both have an agreed plan of action.
Don’t deviate from the script you both decide on together.
It sounds like FOG and that doesn’t stop easily so it may be a long complex process.
I wouldn’t LTB but I would certainly be mindful of the “control” issues given that he’s spoiled 2 weekends away.

Maybe direct him to the stately homes thread?

I was coming on to say what @YetAnotherSpartacus said. Ruining the weekends away is a red flag for me.

I’m just saying that depending on what he did to kick off She may wish to look at the pattern of behaviour and the dynamic between him and MIL and think hard about how she wants to proceed

Yes - while I was reassured by Lola's post re past trips away there is a new element, which is that she will soon be a 'wife' (and that changes the relationship dynamic as well as the status of the MIL vis a vis her son) and she is living near the MIL.

Personally, I'd be considering a move because I could not bear the constant stress of always having to fend of looney MIL - and this is going to be tougher for Lola than her BIL and SIL because she is marrying her baby - the last son MIL has any control over.

Ywnbu to expect an apology but, unfortunately, she probably thinks you owe her one!

At best she'd be sorry you feel that way. It was a simple misunderstanding so why are you giving her a hard time about it? She was only trying to be supportive at a difficult time and this is all the thanks she gets. She'd never even consider that she was the one in the wrong.

You MiL is ramping all the mad behaviour up because she's deranged about 'losing' her little boy, my MiL did the same before our wedding. In the end we had to call the police on her, have her sectioned and go NC/exclude her from the wedding. Sounds extreme but she went completely out of control. All about 8 weeks before too, though she continued to send us crazy messages for years afterwards.

If she's making herself scarce at the moment, that's good.

Don't get in touch with her - she's waiting for you to do that and she'll turn on the waterworks so just don't contact her. Focus on your DF's recovery back to health and enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts.

During that time read up a lot about narc parents, talk to BIL and SIL for ideas and strategies that would work for you both together to implement with MIL - you guys know her, know how she manipulates her family. You'll get a lot of insight from someone who's dealt with her before.

don't try and put some kind of thought to how or why she is doing this.when people nasty mean people do this you cant reason with them or find out why and that is a good thing.its the difference between you and her the difference between good and bad. you cant fathom some things horrid people do.and that is good you would envr want to be on the same wave length as someone like that. all you need to know and feel is its wrong.and then move onwards. don't overthink her.overthink you and your dp and how to get through this.
don't wait for aplogise from people like this.they wont.they will more lieky use it as a way to get you to feel bad for them or increase behaviour.
coming up to the wedding.dont worry.start enjoyin it.i know that sooooo much easier sai than done when every day this other black cloud seems to linger there in the form of her.but she does not control you nor your relationship nor you wedding.
make sure she doesn't get told anything.that no plans are left out.
don't see it as now this major task to get through.just that like child almost there are just safe gaurding things that can easily be put in place to keep her the hell out of it.
make sure you sil and bil no not to share the info you don't want to.
get control and get really smug of making some practical plans to keep this about you.get a smile on your face when you think of the days you've gotten through together without her managing to overthrow you.
look at your opening post.you go through all that.you our hero hun! that is amazing.
you mentioned you bil is a good help.make sure your all on your dps side now.he will need some real help to get through anxiety as its a bitch.and it will be why she is managing (and knows it) to get one over on him and not his siblings. she will spot the vunerable one and play on them.
be the smiling assassin.when she does something smile calmly and say no.when she ask to come round smugly make up an excuse or say nope sorry not today.when does anything smile at her as if you really pity her need to be this way and get your armour on.

We are going on a lovely, lovely, lovely honeymoon the day after the wedding... probably given myself away with the batshit nature of this thread but it's a gorgeous destination and I'm so excited (maybe even more so than the wedding itself lol!!).

By kicking off, it was really hurtful texts saying I was cheating, looking at men, where was I, telling me I didn't care about him, he was worthless to me. No amount of me calling him saying "oh babe don't be silly" could stop it, so I got pissed off, turned my phone off and turned it back on to receive hundreds of messages!

No physical violence at all.

Op totally yes agree.

I think to be fair posters were just worried about you and again not everyone understands mental issues. They are tough to endure and rough to deal with and understand unless you have first hand experience.

You sound bloody awesome and together the four of you will face down this witch.

Despite your dhs issues, and he will recover, at lest now as you say all the family knows his bat shit she is.

Just though check she can’t scupper any bookings so best let venues etc know??

TBH, I'd seriously consider moving at least 200 miles away from her (if that's a possibility). Distance can work wonders.

Anxiety is a bastard. I hope your DP gets a good counselor as working through the underlying issues is key to treatment.

I am thank you - it was postnatally triggerred and quite acute. I got some good intensive therapy (and more sleep) and that has helped enormously. It is an awful thing and I would forgive plenty from anyone suffering.
At the same time I am perhaps a tad cynical having seen so many threads on here where very specific behaviours are talked about and the OP very often refers back to an incident like this in the past.
As I say, it will depend on context, and what he did. A bit of grumpiness is something I could get over. A man who hits walls, breaks things, or physically/manipulatively tries to stop me going out (not that I ever have time with kids these days ) would be a very different matter.

I hope you find a way through this OP - united front, and consider moving far, far away. People like this get way worse when you have kids.

Can you BIL and DP speak to their Mum? She is stirring up shit for both their partners and they need to tell her to back the fuck off!

Good a long break will be very good for you both but my advice would be don’t discuss his mother at all. She’s not worth your time. Detach reconnect heal and face that issue when you return.

Only 8 weeks to your wedding?

It’s not unusual for people to change when they get married. I hope your DP’s behaviour when you were away, spoiling your weekends, isn’t an indication of how he would be if you got married.

That combined with his mother and how he’s allowed her to behave, leads me to think that postponing the wedding wouldn’t be a bad idea. I know it’s awkward, upsetting, embarrassing...but you should be looking forward to it, without all of this hanging over you.

I’d postpone it for a year and see how he stands up to his mother in that time and how he treats you, especially if you go away again.

If you are going to talk to his mother I’d talk to BIL & SIL first and make it a whole family discussion, if they are willing.

DP saying ‘Don’t worry, I’ll deal with her’. Means nothing. He’s acted like a child around her until now, it won’t change overnight, or even maybe not at all.

In my head.(so im a hero) I go and have a quiet word with mother in law "we all know what your doing.what you've been able to do for so long.and for me.us.it stops now.you might think you have your calw in my dp but you don't.you know why...because he has us now.us being the ones who realise how and who you are and wont take that shit.and we can protect him.how does it feel to be in your ehad.to want to make other believe your lives to want to cause this much pain.and now how does it feel to lose.to know you plan didn't work....don't go and tell my dp bout this conversation.i will deny it.and are you worried who he will believe now....keep going.you ll lose him for good because the strong you are thr strong I am and he will see your wrongs one day.its up to you...."kiss her cheek.walk away.turn back."speak soon yes."

Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety

Nothing to do with the OP but can anyone explain what this means please? Without wanting to belittle it, does it just mean "being a bit worried" Thanks.

I think moving is something definitely to consider... we have talked about moving back to my family when we have children as it will be impossible for me to manage my horses, my business and babies with him working without the help of my mum (horsey, very hands on). As for asking MIL for help, even before she turned out to be a psychopath, we knew that it was going to be tough, she doesn't really "get" the horses and said about giving it up before I moved down. One of those really old-school women who believe that women shouldn't do anything for themselves, have a career and should spend all day scrubbing the kitchen floor.
Luckily DP is incredibly supportive, he adores the horses and we've already said that giving them up when we have kids is not necessary.
Would definitely be worth having the conversation that moving to my family sooner rather than later may be a smart move.

Bowlo

I am so glad you are getting there it’s hideous. With my dd it manifested about 2 years after the initial event and coincided with A level stress. Truly awful to see her absolute panic over my even brushing her cheek.

We didn’t think she would last 4 months away but it was the better therapy than even counselling.

I know you can’t go away with a child but yes sleep helps and I think it’s so healthy to embrace abs talk about these things and out them into their place not to be a dirty little secret.

Anyway not to derail I think you will both make it op you are stronger then her hate

Just read your last post.

Postpone the wedding - the way he treat you is appalling. There’s no way you should get married to him in 8 weeks.

See if you can rebook the honeymoon and if not, take a friend or your Mum.

He needs to actually understand what he has done and what he’s allowed his Mum to do.

A47

No it really doesn’t and you need to google really.