MIL from hell, bring popcorn... wtf do I do with her?

[LolaL]

Well... where do I start with this one.
I posted a few weeks ago under a different name about my MIL being very controlling -- changing curtains in mine and my fiances house when I went home to visit my family for a few days, expecting us to visit her 3-4 times per week at short notice and kicking off when we don't, rearranging my kitchen when I went to ride my horse, turning up CONSTANTLY... list is endless...

Anyway, my fiance and I are getting married in the summer. Due to my hobby (horses - high level competitions), the fact I run my own business and that I relocated fucking miles a considerable distance to be with my fiance last year, I don't get too spend too much time with friends/family. I've never been a party animal type, dad was an alcoholic so getting out of control smashed is absolutely not what I like to do - saying that, when I do see my friends, I do really enjoy myself.
Past two weekends, I've been away with my friends (hobby related and my hen party). My fiance kicked off both times, badly and completely ruined my weekends. We've been together for 4 years and this has never happened before so I was worried about him, worried there may be underlying issues he's not talked to me about, more concerned about him that upset about arguments as very uncharacteristic behaviour. He wouldn't open up to me so I made the decision, in confidence, to have a chat with his brother about his behaviour. I've known BIL for longer than my DP, actually used to work for him, so know him well enough to talk in confidence.I know my DP has a huge amount of respect for him, thought he may be able to shed some light on why he is behaving like this.
Whilst I was over at his having a chat, I received a text from my MIL asking how my weekend was (she chose not to come to my hen party). Signal is poor there and I didn't receive. After an hour of me not texting back, apparently feeling "concerned" she came over to our house, dp was there, looked upset so obvious we'd had an argument and asked him what had happen, he told her to mind her own business and she left. Then went to my stables, trying to find me.
She then called SIL (bil's wife) gossiping, did she know that I'd left dp!!! - SIL, sat next to me(!), told her that she didn't know where this had come from, she shouldn't jump to conclusions, stop getting involved in people's businesses, everything was fine.
Cutting an even longer story shorter, I ended up staying at BIL+SILs for a few hours, played with my niece in the garden and having a bbq there. Got a good insight into why DP is upset (work issues), got some really lovely advice from BIL and all happy.
MIL called again, this time to BIL, saying how she was going to call my mum apologising to her about my DP. BIL told her to stay out of this, DP and I are fine, and not to contact my mum?!
I came home, walked into the house and DP was on the phone... my mum had just called him, v upset, asking why our wedding is off.
I called mum back, she said MIL had been on the phone, told her I had "fled" to BIL's and called off the wedding... mum obviously very hurt. MiL had also told her some insane lies... SIL having an affair, my business wasn't working out and I wanted to sell my horses??
MIL also text SIL telling her she is taking her completely awful, WHITE dress she was planning on wearing to our wedding back.

Every couple has issues at points... DP has admitted he's wrong, come clean about work stresses and has completely apologised for ruining my weekends. Went to the drs this morning and they've diagnosed him with anxiety. So no excuse for his behaviour but at least we're getting somewhere with it. At no point did I want to call off the wedding/split up etc.

What on earth do I do with my MIL? I'm so upset that someone would interfere in my relationship like this, for no apparent gain at all. She's really upset my mum and even more upset that off the back of what she's said to them, my parents are questioning whether I'm making the right move marrying him despite him not putting a toe out of line in the 4 years we've been together, except from this.

Appreciate this is a bit of an essay and thank you to anyone who is still here at the end!

So many pp have commented about her being the root of dp's anxiety.
This is something that SIL discussed and think it's completely true. Despite being a very stereotypical "mans man" on the outside, inside he's so sensitive. I'm (usually!) quite a strong person but a few times hearing her car pull up outside has filled me with dread... and she's not even my mum! God knows how you'd feel if this was your actual mother.

I feel quite angry about her op. If you were my dd I think I would be paying her a quick visit and if you pm me her address I will anyway.

As a good mil myself I hate these witches who give us all bad names

OP you have had some amazing advice on this thread. The upshot it you and DP need to be united and stay strong.

Involve DSIL and DBIL and come up with some boundaries NOW, otherwise this wont change and you will end up on here continually.

Yep the bil and sil are your best supports of you both and it’s grest they have survived the witch and you will too.

I know this is not what you are posting about, but I'd give DP a couple of weeks (more if possible, given your wedding is looming) then arrange another weekend away without him just to see if he 'kicks off' again.

This isn't what you want to hear but its the best advice you've been given.
Is your mother worried about you, or wondering what you are getting into? Do you want to spend the best days of your adult life running around clearing up mess after mess like this?

I realise that moving with horses is a pita, that he is The One, that you dont want to call off the wedding. But all this drama is permanent.

You cant fix his mother. Talking to her adult to adult is pointless. She isn't going to undo a lifetime of behaviour with serious talk. She is the way she is and all you can hope to do is limit the damage.

But you can't do that alone. You need support from your DP, and you don't have it.

I've been where your DP currently is with anxiety and he's going to need a few weeks to get on his feet, regain confidence and I'd suggest keeping away from work and her.can perhaps you, SIL and BIL talk to your MIL to get her to back down and back off - what's she's doing is shit stirring and also she needs to keep
Her distance and not just turn up unannounced as this causes its own stress and pressure clearly from why you've said. She needs to realise her place and there are boundaries she needs to stop at and also stop fabricating lies!!
Honestly though I'd keep you DP out of it as he's in crisis at the moment and needs time to regain himself
Good luck and

Can posters really not see how cruel
Playing mind games would be to someone with anxiety? Planning another weekend away to see how he copes??

Bloody hell beyond words really

Sorry to hear you have all this going on, at a time you should be excited for your wedding.
If Mil is spreading lies about Sil too, does she have an issue with anyone marrying or married to her son?
At least you have Bil and Sil and your DP on your side, shows it is not you being unreasonable.
This need to be resolved before the wedding, as pp suggested, a family meeting with all present. Approach Mil sympathetically...or it may seem like you are ‘ganging up’.
I hope your DP feels a bit better for talking to you and seeing GP.
Good luck with everything OP

What's your DM like OP? If she's the type to tear a strip off people then I'd be very tempted to let her loose on MIL

I wouldn't really bother with engaging with MIL over what she's done; I'd just make sure your own family know what she's like (sounds like BIL and SIL do already) so they know to take anything she says with a pinch of salt. People like that never see reason, they just like drama and everyone dancing to their tune so just don't engage with the nonsense. Just keep repeating the truth if anyone brings up lies she's told and eventually she'll just make herself look ridiculous. But definitely lay down some house rules re visits/redecorating etc. It's your house so she has no right to do any of that. And take any keys back off her!

I think the DP will be able to support OP more once his MH issues are under control. Also, OP, you are luckier than a lot of the people who have an utter cuntpuffin of a MIL - you have BIL and SIL to stand with you and your DP against her (in some cases, any siblings of the DP have been trained by abusive/narcissistic PIL to back up the bullying of the one child to have escaped the ghastly pyschological mess that the family has become.)

So: change the locks, fend her off with bland, smiling indifference, remind your family that she's a cuntpuffin and no communication from her is to be trusted - they should just say, Oh dear if she phones up wailing, and engage as little as possible. And, if you're dealing with her directly, just smile blandly, all the while chanting silently to yourself 'Fuck you, cuntpuffin, I hope you die soon'.

you need support from your dp and you don’t have it

No sometimes you have to be the rock it’s not always mutual.

You clearly have no idea how anxiety manifests itself and how devastating it can be to a person.

DP wants her involved

This is concerning.

I think the best way to stop this would be to have all family confront her, basically an intervention. Tell her she needs to stop shit stirring. Tell her whenever she tries it, you will all be telling each other what she is saying and won't stand for it.

If she is with you and says something about your SIL, call SIL, put her on speaker phone and tell her, "MIL is just saying you're doing XYZ", is it true? And if not, ask MIL to explain herself to you both.

Sounds like a nightmare. Hope your husband feels better.

dp and I have been so happy for so many years... no hints of jealousy, controlling behaviour etc which is why I was so worried for him after the weekend

You've had no issues because you have no active social life... your DP has issues.. regardless of his Work environment... you simply made excuses for him ruining your very rare social outings... this is a red flag OP

All four of you sit down with her and tell her it stops now.

Dobby

I most defiantly would. Couldn’t help myself as she has already involved the mother with her lies.

Gemini

Disgraceful and ignorant post. Suggest you read the thread and work on your empathy

I don't think you should blame your DP. He was taken in by your MiL's weird and totally disfunctional behaviour too. She's either played on his anxiety deliberately or she needs serious help herself. .

You collectively need a pact not to believe anything she says from now on. You also need to keep her away from both of you by banning her from your house. Period. You can agree to meet anywhere else, but only if it suits you. She will probably rant and rave, but she needs a very strong message that this behaviour is not acceptable.

Op I bet she shit stirred all those weekends you were away and worked on his anxiety issues. She probably loved the state he was getting into.

Absolute cow.

Disgraceful and ignorant post. Suggest you read the thread and work on your empathy

The OP's said herself her DP ruined her nights out twice... how is that the mis reading ? I think OP's MIL is a secondary issue to her DP's creating issues when she goes out without him...

Yes but equally bil and sil can show the way. They’re don’t allow her contact with their dc. They clearly have been there and emerged stronger so the op and her dh have a good example to follow.

Change those locks op though ASAP.

Is this the worst she’s done so far?

I would go in with the “you’ve crossed a line and I can’t trust you. I can’t believe a future mother in law would hurt me and my family so much.” You play the victim before she does. You tell her she’s put you in a situation where you can’t trust your future children to be with her unsupervised... why is she trying to break up your wedding and hurting her own son like this?”

Make her think because of her behaviour you actually ARE thinking to cancel it. And watch closely what she does next.

That will show you whether you can actually deal with this for another 15-20 years or whether she just takes it to a new scary level.

Tbh both your DP and the MIL sound controlling .....very controlling. Not liking your weekends away ffs. You sound like you are going places with your riding career. I think you need to ask yourself how committed you are to that and whether the family you marry into are going to really support you with that or prove to be an utter headache.
I'm not surprised your DP has anxiety issues....sounds like his had his mum stage managing his whole bloody life.